Chapter 12
CHAPTER TWELVE
TUCKER
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
So fucking stupid.
I stormed back into the barn, berating myself with every step I took.
How fucking stupid could I get? I’d been focused on the wrong thing in that cross-tie paddock.
I should have been paying attention to Rein instead of the feel of Jackson’s hard chest. The outline of his pecs, even through the jacket, had thrown me when I’d initially run my hands along the material to make sure it fit enough to retain heat.
But that split second of hesitation had allowed for me to feel the rapid pulse of his heart under it all.
His very strong, living heartbeat.
When I’d looked back up into those eyes that had gotten me in trouble before, I found myself falling into them once again.
Jackson was temptation. He was young and gorgeous.
All that manual labor had cultivated powerful muscles, and if I was being honest with myself, I’d wondered what he might look like with a little less clothing on.
And then our world had literally shifted on its axis. But what I was pissed about more than anything?
For a few moments as we fell, I was grateful.
This was an excuse to know what Jackson Arness would feel like underneath me. To know if his body would slot perfectly against mine like it did in the fantasies my brain conjured at the worst times. It was an honest to God accident that would finally give me something to quell the curiosity.
I wasn’t naive. I knew they’d been born from a place that was desperate for human touch after nearly three years of going without—even from my own hand.
My heart may not be ready to move on from the death of my husband, but my body decided it had.
But for my fucking employee? Someone eleven years younger than me?
I would have rather had Granger be the one to wake my libido, honestly.
Except it was more than that. Jackson’s bright demeanor and gentle personality were easy to get along with.
Over the past week, I’d realized where he really shined was in the silence, though.
The times when there was nothing between us except the open air and the wide acres of my family’s land, Jackson would be content to take it all in.
He’d stare out the window or prop himself against a fence line to look it over.
Like he was memorizing every tree, rock, and weed.
It wasn’t out of obligation to learn everything he could about the property he’d be living on for the next six months. The look in those hazel eyes was one full of passion and adoration. It was how people looked at something special to them.
I hadn’t wanted to admit it at first, but it kindled something warm in my chest. Jackson genuinely cared about this land, and that meant more than I could put into words as the person’s whose family legacy was tied to this dirt.
So maybe that was why before I even realized how bad the fall could be, my body had already moved to action.
The thought to protect Jackson hadn’t even been a conscious one.
I’d just cradling the back of his head and prayed it would be enough to cushion him from getting a concussion.
But it was pure adrenaline and instincts that had me scrambling to get us out from under Rein’s feet.
And then it had been nothing but rage. At myself for getting too lost in him.
At him for being someone I could be distracted by.
He walked onto this farm with his single dimple and words about wanting to stay here forever, and then he looked at me the way he did?
Like the spark that buzzed under my skin for him was the same under his?
Like he wished that if my lips couldn’t be on his then he’d want it to be his name that came from them? How fucking dare he?
My left hand throbbed as I moved Rein and Cadence from the paddock and into stalls nearby to wait till they needed to be saddled up. It was the reminder I needed, because clearly, I’d lost my head when it came to Jackson.
I was a married man, at least in mind and soul. I was his boss. He was too young for me.
Those were the things I needed to keep reminding myself.
Especially when he came back into the barn looking like his whole world had shattered.
Even more so when he wouldn’t even glance in my direction.
Definitely what should have been going through my head when he hesitated to sit in his spot at dinner.
So why did it all feel so wrong?
All throughout our meal, I could almost feel the raindrops on my shoulder from the cloud that hung over his head, and suddenly the fury that simmered inside me from before came boiling back to the surface.
He wanted to mope and pout about getting reprimanded?
He thought what happened was okay? If I wasn’t just as accountable, he would have already been packing his bags.
A hand who couldn’t stay on his feet around horses wasn’t one that would be working on my farm.
I was sure he felt every wave of emotion that rolled off me, because he finished his meal long before anyone else, and the uneasy glances being exchanged around the table were enough to indicate I wasn’t hiding anything.
My anger still fizzled and popped just under the surface while we all tacked up our horses for the ride, but it waned as I ended up at the back of the pack, watching Jackson listlessly respond to Granger as they chatted while riding on the trail.
In the dying light of the sun and with the gentle rock of a horse under me, I could admit the rage from earlier had been misdirected, and I’d taken it out on Jackson.
Sure, the discomfort I felt over realizing I was attracted to him was difficult, but what happened was an accident.
I knew that, and Jackson had already proven he knew his way around horses.
The pulsing in my hand hadn’t subsided, but it flared with a sharp wave as I gripped Poe’s reins.
I let out a low sigh as I allowed another realization wash over me.
Maybe it was the real reason my temper had gotten away with me.
There had been genuine fear of witnessing Jackson getting hurt; not just from hitting his head, but potentially something far worse.
I let my head hang back a bit, looking at the smeared colors across the sky, knowing that Poe would follow the herd toward our destination. Hopefully what I’d already planned for the evening would help lift his spirits and butter him up to accept yet another apology from me for my overreaction.
We came upon our destination not much longer, the horses continuing to follow the trail through an already open gate to a secluded pasture that had long since been flattened down.
The trees here were clustered together, creating the perfect natural alcove, which my family had used to all sorts of get-togethers. Bonfires, campouts, you name it.
As we got closer, it was obvious Jackson believed we’d chosen a sport at random with the way he was watching the other hands dismount, probably trying to figure out why.
But when Elliot shuffled his way over to the large, circular firepit, wiping away the debris that mostly kept it hidden, the excitement that radiated off him was palpable.
After everything else today, seeing that dimple again had me fighting back my own smile.
Jackson being down wasn’t natural. He was the warm glow off an early morning sunrise. He was that moment of bliss when you sunk down into a warm bath with achy muscles. He was the good in this world, and I’d tarnished it.
While we let our horses graze nearby, we gathered around the logs that surrounded the perimeter of the circle clearing. Elliot got the pit going, and Granger produced the real entertainment for the evening from a saddle bag. Graham crackers, marshmallows, and Hershey’s chocolate.
“S’mores?” That spark of life twinkled in Jackson’s eyes as his grin split his face.
“Don’t be making no jokes. Some of us here are sober, so when we all get together, we try to honor that.” Granger nodded toward Dudd who huffed.
“And I keep tellin’ y’all, ain’t no reason y’all can’t drink, too.
” He sat up straighter trying to front his indignance, but those of us who’d been around for the decision knew he appreciated the gesture.
He put on a good face, but I knew nights after the boys had been drinking were usually followed by days of Dudd making frequent calls to his sponsor.
He wasn’t quite to the point in his recovery where being around alcohol was an easy thing, but he’d get there, and all of us were more than willing to support him.
Granger nodded along, well aware. “And I keep telling you, nights off from drinking are good for all our livers.”
The haze of dusk quickly shifted into the deep blue blanket of evening as the fire crackled, and conversations broke out all around while everyone made their s’mores.
I’d shifted down to the ground, using a log to support my upper back as I took in the sight of my men.
Happy. Healthy. Bonding with the newest member whose rain cloud seemed to have floated far away.
Or that’s what I thought. As the night continued, I had a hard time pulling my eyes off Jackson. It wasn’t the normal way that my eyes tended to gravitate toward him, but something else entirely. I couldn’t shake the feeling something was still off about him, despite how happy he looked.
It wasn’t until those green-brown eyes finally caught mine over the sparks of the fire that I saw it—the hurt and devastation that stared back at me was all-consuming, and it nearly took my breath away.
I was on my feet before I even realized what I was doing, rounding the circle to gesture Jackson up. “Take a walk with me.”
It came out more like an order than a request, and the twin expressions of shock on Dillon and Jackson’s faces told me as much. I’d interrupted their conversation, but truthfully, the itch under my skin to make things right with Jackson hardly made me give a damn.