Chapter 13
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
JACKSON
Ifelt like I’d been going crazy.
From the moment Tucker Legare stormed off from me outside the barn, I’d done my best to convince myself that whatever happened in the paddock had all been in my head.
There hadn’t been any attraction simmering behind his eyes as he’d been trailing his hands over my upper body.
He hadn’t stood there with a hand over my heart like he’d been taking a moment to relearn the sensation of a beating organ under his fingertips.
We hadn’t been sharing the same breath, both of us waiting for whatever was brewing between us to finally boil over.
None of it had happened. It had all been my wishful thinking, because a man like Tucker wouldn’t be interested in someone like me.
When dinner had come around, the anger still seemed to roll off him and only helped solidify those thoughts. So naturally, my brain once again focused on my job. For the second time in a week, I was finding myself worried that I would be losing my position at Juniper Grove.
This time, though, the daggers of concern that sliced through me felt so much sharper. They held more weight, because even though it’d only been a short time, I’d grown attached to this place.
The people. The land. The animals. And Tucker.
They all meant something to me, and having to give that up was going to burn more than losing any other job would have.
I was on the verge of spewing Tallie’s cooking all over the concrete with the anxiety swirling in my gut when we were in the barn.
Tucker’s stare had bore a hole through me while I tacked up the horse he’d chosen for me.
I couldn’t fault him for it—in fact, I understood it.
I’d fucked up royally, and it made sense that he would be questioning if he could still trust me around the horses after the severe lack of judgement I’d had earlier.
But the weight of that stare felt ten times heavier the longer it went on.
As we all got into the saddle and started making our way along the trail as a group, I wondered if the combined burden of my failure and Tucker’s constant watch would be too much for the bay mare below me to handle.
But Sky had meandered on, cool as a cucumber as she followed the string of her companions to a destination everyone but me already knew the way to.
I thought, maybe, when we finally made it to the cozy grove of trees with the firepit square in the middle that I might finally get a reprieve.
But the sensation under my skin hadn’t gone away.
It was such an odd thing; the feeling of eyes on you, tracking your every move.
The way it tickled at the corners of your brain, and the spacial awareness you suddenly acquired to be able to hone in directly to where those eyes were located.
Funny how it didn’t give you a single clue of how those eyes were looking at you, though.
Anger? Resignation? Disgust? Interest?
That last one had my heart rate picking up slightly.
There was a stupidly hopeful part of me that was still pushing; still stuck on the possibility of what could be with a man like Tucker.
It was that same hopeful part of me that had me looking toward the source of all this inner turmoil; just to know.
Just to finally quell the gnawing feeling inside me.
Tucker was laid out on the ground, his upper body perched against the log to his back, with his hat on his head and the embers of the fire flickering before his face like taunting interruptions.
Those whiskey colored eyes were burning bright from the flames before him, and damn if he didn’t look like every sexy cowboy ad I’d ever secretly ripped out of magazines as a teenager.
His features had their normally grumpy edge to them, but his brows were pulled together like he was trying to solve all the world’s troubles.
And I knew in an instant, this would be the image of Tucker Legare I’d hold in my mindseye for the rest of my life if I never saw him again.
Splayed out, in his element, and looking like the one thing I could never have.
It’d only been a second that I’d allowed myself to indulge—just a brief glance at him to finally confirm if he was staring daggers into me or not.
But I knew I would have continued to watch him like that until the Earth reclaimed our bodies only to leave the cracked and dusty bones we’d leave behind.
Though maybe even then, my unseeing sockets would be trained on Tucker, forever locked in this stare of longing desperation for a man I’d never have.
So, I’d turned back to Dillon to continue our conversation and resigned myself to either getting over this brewing crush or learning to live with the tug I felt for a man who wouldn’t reciprocate it.
But then Tucker had been beside us before I could blink, acting like I had no choice but to join him on this “walk”.
At first, I thought this was the moment he’d take me aside to privately pull the plug—tell me that my time at Juniper Grove had come to an end.
When I’d caught sight of a rosy flush peaking out from between his beard and jacket, slowly creeping its way up his neck, I knew this was something else entirely.
Tucker was a no-nonsense kind of man. He didn’t beat around the bush, and I knew first hand he had no issues with confronting someone. If he was going to terminate me, he wouldn’t be turning into a near babbling fool trying to come up with a cover story.
So there went my heart, pattering away in my chest again, like the damn fool that it was.
It thrummed and thrashed around in my chest as I followed his wide back through the cricket song and tall grass, and it fed silly little ideas to my brain about the romance of the moment as he let me in on another small sliver of life on this farm.
Except when it finally came down to it, it wasn’t words of whispered attraction that fell from those full lips; it was another damn apology.
“I’ll forgive you if you admit you feel it too.”
I knew my demand hadn’t been fair; it put both of us in an awkward position.
But I couldn’t just stand there pretending like I wasn’t going crazy.
His eyes burned with an intensity I could see even in the moonlight, and I just couldn’t take the whiplash again.
Because that look was the same one he’d had in that paddock only a few hours before.
Except Tucker was stuck—an immoveable object determined to frustrate and fascinate me all at the same time, and he seemed desperate to keep us both standing still as he held me with the hand that bore his dead husband’s ring.
“I’m a married man,” he said it so simply, like the fact should have been obvious, and maybe it was to Tucker.
But what did you say to that? How could you argue against something so fundamental to another person without completely tearing apart their belief system?
I didn’t want that for Tucker. His love and devotion to Raleigh was something beautiful.
“This and that are two different things.” I tried to reason.
“But they’re not.” Tucker countered, eyes narrowing. “I stood on an altar and made a promise to another man.”
“I know, and believe me, I’m not trying to disrespect the commitment you have to Raleigh, I just—”
“Just what, Jackson?” Tucker cut me off, something blazing behind those whiskey eyes that looked an awful lot like bitterness. “Because it sounds like to me you’re wanting me to admit something that would go against those vows.”
My eyes bounced back and forth between those twin burning flames, trying to find the words to properly describe how wonderful it was to me that Tucker loved so wholly; how I could never ask him to put aside his love for Raleigh, because it was just another piece of him.
I wanted to cherish that part of him just as badly as he did, but I couldn’t do it if he wouldn’t let me.
Instead, I dragged my gaze down to his hand still clinging to my arm like it was the last lifeline before he was forever lost in the sea of his misery—to the band that had been exchanged with so much love it permanently etched itself into Tucker’s soul.
“Do you think he would have wanted this for you?” I found myself asking.
“What?” For a brief second, Tucker’s grasp on my arm loosened marginally in his confusion and I held my breath wondering if that was the straw to break this camel’s back. But the pressure returned, and I couldn’t explain the relief that flooded through me.
“Do you think Raleigh would have wanted this for you?” I repeated. “I’m genuinely asking, Tucker, because I didn’t know the man. But you did. So tell me, what kind of life would Raleigh have wanted for you?”
The muscle in Tucker’s jaw jumped as he stared me down, the only sound between us was his heavy breathing and the cricket chirps.
I thought maybe we’d once again be stuck, locked in this stare off of past and future till the literal sun came up, but then Tucker spoke.
It was low, angry, but the pain rang clear in his words.
“He would’ve wanted to be alive, working this land and these horses by my side.”
“That’s not what I asked you.”
“I don’t know! Okay? I don’t know because I can’t think about a world without Raleigh in it because it feels like my heart is being ripped from my chest. Is that what you want to hear?
That I can’t picture my future anymore because it means picturing a world where the best man I know is six feet under?
That every day feels like an endless rerun of the one before it because time hasn’t moved forward since he died?
” Tucker’s voice broke, choking on the emotion seeping out of him. “Until you.”
Something inside me surged forward at that and before I could register it, I was launching myself toward him.
My intention wasn’t to do more than finally hold him against me, but maybe he thought I was trying to make a move on him in his vulnerable state, because he used his free hand to push back at my shoulder.
But I wouldn’t be stopped. I couldn’t be.
Not when he’d admitted I fit somewhere in the equation of his life.
The problem was, he still had hold of my arm, so the combination of my determination and his opposition caused us to stumble around like a newly born foal learning to walk, and we likely would have once again found ourselves flat on our asses had there not been a fence nearby.
His push and my pull caused a twisting motion that had us fumbling till my back hit against the wooden slats of the fence.
Using the momentum in my favor, though, I tugged Tucker’s body against mine.
“Hey, hey.” I soothed, as he thrashed like some wild animal trying to evade capture. “You’re safe. You’re okay.”
It took a second for him to realize that all I wanted was to hold him, and that I wouldn’t be going for more without him initiating it, but once he did, I felt him relax.
He shifted to let me hold up some of his weight, as he buried his face against my neck.
The coarse hairs of his beard scraped against the sensitive skin there, making me shiver, but I didn’t pull away.
Whatever he needed, however he needed it, I would give it to him.
He could take anything, because I’d willingly offer it all.
Tucker’s hat must have fallen off in the shuffle because I was able to press my cheek against his temple.
I let the hand on his back slowly slide up until it met with the soft hairs at the base of his neck, gently running my fingers up and down through them.
We stood there for a few heartbeats, me playing with his hair while he tried to calm his breathing, before Tucker’s shoulders began to quake.
Instinctually, I pulled him tighter against me, not minding the dampness that started to seep into my shirt below the jacket he lent me.
Closing my eyes, my hand continued to sift through the surprisingly silky strands of his hair, trying to pass along wordless comfort as he poured out his pain.
Selfishly, I wanted it to be three years worth of tears.
Because then maybe when Tucker lifted his head and looked at me, it would be with red-rimmed eyes that were looking to the future. But I knew they wouldn’t be.