Chapter 20 #2
My body vibrated as this normally sunshine man turned nearly feral in his desire.
The force of his need was powerful, and I took a step backward to keep us from getting unbalanced, but Jackson just kept pushing.
He steered me into the neighboring stall, holding me against him as if he couldn’t bear any space between us.
The shavings, while soft and hardly an obstacle when walking forward, were difficult to maneuver as I shuffled my way backward, all while still kissing as if oxygen wasn’t a necessity either of us needed.
Every inch of me was thrumming and wound too tight to the point I was ready to combust when we finally hit the far wall, my fingers quickly working to pop open the button of his pants.
His hot breath fanned against my lips when he let out a soft gasp as I slid my hand inside his boxers and scraped blunt nails through the coarse curls at the base of his cock.
“’S cold,” he hissed, shifting to nip and suck at my earlobe while I fished him out of his underwear.
“Sorry,” I whispered a little lamely, too focused on the blistering heat radiating off the beautiful dick I was holding.
Fuck me, he might have the prettiest dick I’d ever seen.
He was cut, the head of his cock a deep pink that shifted to softer shade that traveled all the way to the base.
My mouth watered at the sight while my heart tripped over itself inside my chest.
“It’s okay.” His gravely tone crooned in my ear. “I like having your hands on me—even if they are a little cold.” Jackson let out a soft huff of laughter that sent shivers down my spine and spurred me into action.
I brought my hand back up to my mouth, spitting into it before coating his erection and giving him a few slow tugs.
One of his moved from my hip up to my neck, shifting my jaw so he could attack my mouth again.
I felt the other come down to palm at my crotch, and I grunted into his mouth as a sinking pit opened inside my stomach.
Too many thoughts were swirling through my head, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t reach that cliff edge.
I wanted to free fall. To go back to the place Jackson brought me to before, so I could maybe find the pleasure in this painful ride.
For a moment, I tried to let go and just feel.
His tongue dominated but tasted so sweet against my own.
The silky skin of his shaft and the weight of it in my hand.
They’re so different from him. It’s all so different. He doesn’t even smell like him anymore.
The shattered pieces inside my chest rattled around at the thoughts, and I had to bite back the sob that wanted to escape.
It wasn’t fair. None of it was fair. I shouldn’t be thinking of someone else while stroking Jackson’s dick.
I shouldn’t be kissing him like he was the reason I woke in the dead of night.
Raleigh shouldn’t be dead.
“Fuck me.” It came out gruff and ragged, and Jackson’s lips left mine immediately.
I almost wanted to chase them, to take back the words that pulled him from me, but as we stood there trying to catch our breath, I knew what Jackson was doing as those assessing eyes roamed over my face.
He was waiting for me to back out. To pretend like those two little bombs hadn’t gone off between us.
But God wasn’t here to absolve me of my sins, and I was going to hell anyway.
“You want that?” Jackson asked after a moment. “You’d want me to fuck you?”
“You don’t want to?”
He shook his head. “I want you however I can have you. I just wasn’t expecting…” His eyes roamed over my body. “It just caught me off guard, that’s all.”
Something sick slithered along my skin, the slow glide of it feeding this seed of doubt inside my belly that pleaded with me, but I wanted this. I needed this.
“Great.” I nodded. “I assume you’ve got a condom?”
Jackson blinked at me and opened his mouth, but I cut him off.
“It’s fine if you don’t. In fact, let’s just skip it.
” The words tumbled from me in a rush. My heart slammed against my chest, a cold chill coming over me.
I quickly flipped around, not trusting I could maintain my poker face, and undid my pants.
Shimming them down under my ass, I planted my hands on the wall and bent forward slightly.
Long, agonizing seconds passed as I tried to regulate my breathing while waiting for Jackson.
Blood roared in my ears and bile rose high in my throat.
But then I felt him there, calloused hands scraping around the tender skin of my exposed hips.
He draped his body overtop of me, the extra weight comforting and jarring all at the same time.
I squeezed my eyes shut, my breath stuttering in my lungs.
Something inside me was rebelling, screaming and crying for me to stop before things got too far, but the ugly, sinister pieces deep down were running this show.
His warm breath fanned against the back of my neck, and before I could even react, one of his hands moved from my hip, and—
“You’re not even hard.” He sounded hoarse, almost as broken as me.
I swallowed back the sour taste in my mouth, forcing the words out as steady as I could manage. “It’s fine. I’ll get there. Keep going.”
“I—”
“Just fuck me, Jackson,” I practically barked.
Touch me. You aren’t him; you’ll never be him. Fill me up and make me forget. I’ll never be able to forget.
I spread my legs a little wider, trying to press back against him, but in an instant, the weight over my back was gone, and he was tugging my pants up.
My eyes flew open, whipping my head around to look at him. “What? You don’t want it now?”
Jackson’s face was passive, but I couldn’t miss the near pained expression in those green-brown eyes as he stared back at me. “Not like this.” He shook his head, tucking himself away, a distinct lack of a bulge in his pants when he was done. “Not like this,” he repeated a little more firmly.
“What the fuck? All that talk about wanting me however you could get me was just that, huh? Just talk?”
A muscle in that pristine jaw ticked, and he lifted his head a little higher. “I’m not going to force myself onto someone who obviously isn’t ready.”
Anger and shame roiled inside me, mixing and curdling, venom spitting from my lips as I whirled around fully. “Does it really fucking matter? Who the fuck are you to decide if I’m ready or not, anyway? If I say I’m ready, then I am.”
He shook his head. “This feels… different. I don’t know what it is, but…” Jackson ran a hand into his hair, sucking in a breath. “I want you, Tucker. I want you so bad I don’t know how to contain it sometimes. But I also care for you, and I care too much to do whatever the fuck this is.”
Something behind my ribs felt like it was tearing apart, and I had the crazy thought that maybe this was finally the moment my heart ripped itself out.
When Jackson looked back up at me, I must have been making a face, because his fell, and he reached out toward me.
Instinctually, I pressed myself back against the wall.
I couldn’t let him touch me when I was this broken, this sharp, this close to shattering to dust.
“Shit. Fuck. I’m sorry.” He pulled his hand away immediately, shoving it back into his hair and gripping the strands so tight I knew it had to hurt. “I really don’t want to hurt you.”
After a few more seconds, he swallowed hard, and his voice was so small when he said, “I should go.”
I watched his back as he walked from the stall, and when he didn’t look back at me before completely leaving my sight, I thought this might be where it finally ended for me.
My eyes burned, anger and tension and so much more I couldn’t even begin to understand welling inside me.
The wood of the wall dug into my back as I slid down it, the rough burn hardly registering through everything else I was feeling till I hit the ground unceremoniously.
Hot tears started to slide down my cheeks, and I buried my face into my hands.
I didn’t deserve Jackson Arness. He could do so much better than me. Maybe I’d finally proven that to him tonight.