Chapter 38
CHAPTER
THIRTY-EIGHT
I woke a few hours later cocooned in warmth.
My eyes shot open and I stared at the pale silver markings on Asher’s chest. His arm was slung over my hip, hand beneath my shirt, fingers splayed wide across my back.
Soft black waves spilled across his face, fluttering with his breath.
As I watched him sleep, fragments of the night ricocheted across my mind.
His mouth on mine.
His hands on my waist.
His fingers gripping my hips.
Each image flashed like a lightning strike until I had to push away the panic with slow breaths.
Carefully, in incremental movements, I slid out from beneath his arm and froze beside the bed, watching for any indication he’d woken.
Though his hand splayed out across the sheets where I’d been and his brow furrowed, he slept.
I slid on a pair of trousers and grabbed my boots while I padded to the door.
I winced at the hiss of it opening and closing.
Maker, what had I done?
Not wanting to run into any of the crew, I darted down the halls until I made it to the observatory we’d practiced in.
The expanse of space spilled out before me, distant planets dancing across the glass, bright green and blue gas vibrating around the small star system.
I pressed my palm to the window and watched the progression of one moon around its planet.
From here it appeared tiny; even the planet looked like I could have held it in the palm of my hand.
But it was home to hundreds of thousands of beings with their own lives and stories and heartaches.
It made me feel so small. Maybe that was what I needed while my mind raced and my blood thrummed through my veins and the memory of Asher’s lips on my skin was too much to bear.
I couldn’t decide who I was betraying anymore—my people, Lunastra, or myself.
Or maybe it was all three. The right thing would be to ensure it never happened again, to finish the job and get the stone and return to the Daskquah as quickly as I could.
But the thought of running from him made my stomach twist and my chest give a hollow pang.
It also shocked me that I wasn’t upset to know all this time Asher had a universal key and he’d been able to access my room any time he wanted.
No, it only reinforced the confusion I felt when I thought of the male and all the masks he wore.
Leaning forward, I pressed my forehead to the glass, rolling it back and forth.
Over the beating of my heart, I barely caught the door opening, but I didn’t need to look to know who it was.
Not with their heavy steps or their quiet breaths.
When his hand slid up my back I didn’t even jump, only squeezed my eyes shut and tried to build a wall between my heart and the comfort his touch brought.
“You left,” he breathed.
I didn’t answer. Beneath my palm the glass fogged and my fingertips slipped over the condensation. But his touch was gentle as he brushed my tangled hair to the side before curling a hand around my shoulder and turning me.
“Why did you leave?” Sleep-mussed and shirtless, he leaned down enough to look me in the eyes, his flicking back and forth across my face.
There was too much to say and yet I couldn’t find the right words as I looked back at him, my mouth opening and closing.
Soon, I knew, I would have to ask the question that would damn us both.
The hollow pang in my chest spread wider until I wanted to double over with it, until my vision blurred and a soft, low groan echoed in the back of my throat.
Somehow my hand landed on his chest and he covered it with his, thumb stroking against the back of my palm while the corner of his mouth tugged down. Whatever was there on my face made his entire body tighten as his other hand slid into the back of my hair and he tugged me into his arms.
I went willingly, throat burning. The last time I’d been held this way had been the day of my climbing.
My mother had taken me aside before the descent and spoken words I could barely remember now about duty and responsibility.
But I remembered she’d told me she loved me and I’d been so nervous I hadn’t said it back.
“Do you regret it?” he murmured, fingers gliding through my hair and pulling apart the tangles.
There were so many things I regretted in my life, but I couldn’t find it in myself to regret last night. Not with how my body had come alive under his touch in a way I hadn’t thought possible, not with the way I’d fallen asleep in his arms.
“No,” I finally answered. But I wished I did. It would make things so much easier if it had merely been a lapse in judgment, if we could have blamed it on lagneia, like the night on Louxuria.
Asher’s body relaxed at my words and he pressed his mouth to the top of my head before he took a deep breath, like he was committing my scent to memory. “I need to get dressed before we meet with the rest of the crew to discuss the plan for tonight.”
I stiffened. Would we attempt to grab the stone again so soon?
“I know…but it’s best we do this quickly before Charlis has a chance to install more security protocols around the satellite or enact his own plans. Once this is done”—he pulled back to look at me, thumb brushing the curve of my cheekbone—“we can discuss what’s next.”
What’s next… What was next was my betrayal, taking the stone and hightailing it back to Lunastra.
Watching the warmth in his eyes harden and ice over into the mask I’d first seen.
But I tamped the thoughts down, smoothing over the fear of the mission and uncertainty of what I would be expected to do.
“Don’t worry, j’ska mahsi, you won’t be alone. I’ll be with you the whole time.”
And that was what I worried about.