Chapter Twenty-One
Iswung my feet back and forth in the open air, looking out at the mixture of forest and private royal gardens I could see from the balcony of mine and Byn’s room.
I’d hopped up on to the railing that enclosed the balcony and sat with my feet dangling in the open air.
I knew if I somehow managed to fall, it’d be as easy as one wingbeat to pause my descent.
If anything, sitting there was relaxing.
The wind was blowing softly, which brought the sweet scent of the flowers below up to my nose.
For the first time in a while, I smiled—despite being alone.
It was easy to smile around those I cared about. It was when I was alone that the thoughts attempted to eat me alive.
And that was why I’d come out here. I’d needed to get out of bed, even if it was simply to rest on the balcony.
I didn’t want to fall back into the funk I’d found myself in after Father’s… demise.
Just as I had closed my eyes to enjoy the feeling of the wind sliding between my feathers, I felt a small disturbance in the shadows at the edge of the balcony.
In all our traveling to and from the North, I’d learned how to stay connected to my zirilium without using too much energy. With how much we had needed to rely on shadow wielding, it felt almost natural to stay connected to it now.
And those skills I had learned were exactly why I was able to pick up on the change in energy nearby.
“You can come out, you know. It’s just me here right now,” I said without looking over, my feet still gently swinging.
I made an effort to lift my wings and tuck them in, rather than having them splayed out behind me.
I was still only comfortable letting my wings touch the ground around Byn.
Old habits were difficult to shake, I supposed.
After a beat of hesitation, the shadow slinked out of its hiding spot and curled in on itself near me. Then, from out of it, stepped my sister.
“You’re aware that you could always knock, correct?” I asked jokingly.
She stood next to me, her arms resting on the railing I sat on.
Her freshly cut hair sat a width above her shoulders instead of brushing her skin as it had before.
And instead of a cloak and all-black attire, she actually wore some color today.
Her pants were still black, but her top was a dainty, royal purple blouse with half sleeves that touched her elbows.
The royal purple was broken up in a pattern of black flowers, and I realized they were velvet.
Sometimes I forgot her grandparents were nobles.
Our grandparents.
Stars, I hadn’t even seen them outside of meetings since I learned Matea existed.
Another thing to add to my list of things to do—and my list of anxieties.
“What are you thinking about?” Matea asked gently, and I realized she’d been observing me.
At the question, I chuckled under my breath.
“I’m trying not to think at all, if we’re being honest.”
“That doesn’t mean you’ve been successful at it,” she countered.
With that response, my smile faltered.
I turned to look back out at the world below as I told her, “You’re right.”
Matea stayed silent, looking at the trees and flowers with me—giving me the space and time I needed to decide to let her in or not.
“Honestly?” I sighed. “So much has occurred over the past handful of months, with so little time to process it all. My entire life and what I thought my future would be shifted right before my eyes. I discovered hidden secrets about myself, my family, and the war. Not to mention I feel like I’m grieving a brother that’s still alive, while also grieving a father that was never there—who I saw to his end.
Do I even deserve to grieve them? And Stars, Father isn’t even here anymore, and his influence still reigns strong, especially over Dimitri.
Now, I’m stuck with the consequences of the choices that Father made, and that my twin is continuing to make. ”
After a beat of silence, I added quietly, “It all just… begins to feel heavy, after a while, is all.”
Slowly, Matea released a breath, letting what I’d said hang in the air between us.
“And here I thought I had problems,” she said.
I couldn’t stop the small up-turn of my lips at her ability to cope with humor.
“That does sound really heavy, Viva. But I think sometimes you need to remember that you aren’t alone anymore.
You’ve lost a lot, but you’ve gained even more than what you had.
Yes, you left behind a corrupt family, but you made a loving one for yourself here, in this very castle.
That’s something to hold on to—and to utilize.
” She gently nudged me with her shoulder.
“And don’t you dare forget that you have me now, too.
And if you’d give them a chance, you have our grandparents as well.
I know they’d love to get to know you in a deeper way than you simply being their queen. ”
She paused before adding, “That’s part of why I came here today, actually.”
Turning to her, I watched as she pulled a small slip of paper out of her pocket and slid it across the railing to me.
“Nan and Pops—Billie and Geoff, I mean—would be honored if you accompanied us for dinner later tonight. Don’t say no just yet! You have all day to consider it.”
I unfolded the paper to peer at the contents, which turned out to be an address that I could only imagine was the Ashford’s estate.
Folding it in on itself again, I tucked it away.
“What was the other part? Of why you came?” I asked curiously, trying to avoid giving her an answer right away.
At that, Matea looked slightly sheepish as her eyes darted around before she answered. “I just wanted to check in on my… my little sister.”
A smile crept its way onto my face as I listened to her, but I knew she wouldn’t want me to make a big fuss over this—even if I was beaming on the inside.
“If you’ll have me, that is,” she added when I didn’t respond instantly.
“I always wanted a sister. I thought I’d found that with Aurora, but… well, you see how that’s going.” I met her gaze. “It would be an honor to be considered an Ashford, you know.”
“You already are one.” Matea wrapped an arm around my shoulders and squeezed me into her side. Though the contact was brief, I relished in the affection she did show.
“Where is your Robyn, by the way?” she asked, pulling her arm back to her own side.
“He’s with some of the others, preparing for the journey and mapping the route out for the Ocrein Isles.”
Matea raised her brows. “Were you not invited?”
“I’m always welcome.” I shook my head. “But I needed some time to myself this morning.”
She nodded her understanding, then straightened so she was no longer leaning against the balcony railing.
“Think about dinner, alright?” Matea took a step back toward the shadows.
“I will,” I promised her, just before she dissipated into darkness before my eyes.
And just like that, I was once again left to tend to my own thoughts.
***
A new weight on the edge of the couch I was lounging on stirred me from my dozing. I almost panicked until I felt Byn reaching out through our connection. He felt calm, content—even joyous.
I cracked my eyes open to see him sitting next to me on the edge of the cushion.
I must’ve slipped into a light slumber while I was soaking up the sun above. If the position of the sun in the sky was any indication, I’d only been out for roughly an hour.
“Hey there, my gorgeous wife,” he murmured, then leaned down to kiss the top of my head.
Pulling myself out of my sleepy haze, I sat up abruptly. “How did the meeting go?” I asked as I rubbed the sleep from my eyes.
Instead of answering right away, he repositioned himself on the couch so he was lying next to me, instead of sitting nearby.
There was more than enough room to stay side by side, but before I knew it, we had melted into each other.
I rested my head against his chest, my pointed ear listening to his heart beating strong.
Our legs intertwined, and his arms held me like I might slip through his fingers at any moment.
I draped an arm over his waist and slid my hand up his shirt, softly running my hand up and down his back in soothing motions.
To anybody else, we probably looked like we didn’t have a care in the world. But when I reached inwards, towards Byn, I could feel the anxieties that troubled him—and to get there, I had to pass my own.
After some moments of allowing him to relax after what I could tell was a stressful meeting, he finally answered in Nolvym.
“The route to the Isles has been laid—down to where we shall camp each night. But we have to leave as soon as we feasibly can. We can’t wait for even our fastest corvids to fly there and back with a message, simply hoping for the best. Plus, we can negotiate better in person.
We’ll just have to hope that they decide to greet us with open arms.” He sighed.
“That’s… not very reassuring. What did Callum and Caelia say about it?” I asked, also responding in the dead language that rolled off our tongues with ease.
“Callum will stand with us against his parents. He’s their heir, so he holds some weight with them. But from what I remember, they’re stubborn fae, Avi. Even with Caelia, who is allotting to follow her brother into whatever he does, I’m not sure we have enough to offer them.”
With that, the air felt heavier.
Not having enough to offer them simply wasn’t a choice.
“Who is going on the journey?” I asked, running a nail up and down his spine. I watched as small chills rose across his skin at the contact.
“I was thinking the same ones who went on the scouting missions with us, but that isn’t final yet. Obviously, Callum and Caelia must go, but I’m unsure about the rest of the Valwain just yet.”
“How is Ezra?” I asked quietly, trying to soften the blow while switching back to the modern language.
I could feel the guilt radiating from him at the thought of his best friend. His brother.
“He could be better, but he’s doing as well as can be expected.
It’s going to take time for him to put muscle back on, and he’s resting a lot, but he’s mostly just happy to be back with Quinn.
Surprisingly, she allowed Rayven to watch over him for the evening.
She’s behind on her duties since Ezra’s return, but at least she seems to know she can only put them off for so long.
” His eyes drifted to the distance, as if thinking.
“He’s started asking what he missed while he was gone, and what kind of trouble we’ve been getting into since he was here last. Quinn hasn’t allowed anybody to fill him in, though. She says he needs more time.”
“Hmm,” I hummed, contemplating what he’d said as he ran a finger up and down my side, pushing my shirt up slightly with each pass to make more contact with my skin.
“How are you, my love?” he asked, raising his hand to cup my face gently, tilting my head up to look at him.
“I’ve had worse days. But…”
He raised an eyebrow, but waited patiently for me to gather myself.
“Matea visited earlier. She invited me to dinner with… our grandparents. Tonight.”
Byn’s eyes widened slightly. “What will you do?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I’ve lost all the family I’ve ever known, in one way or another. Now I seem to have another chance—but what if I end up losing them, too?” I met his gaze once again as I asked, “What do you think?”
His emotions felt warm yet sad at the same time. A lot of love was there, but the sting of grief and regret hung heavy over it.
“If I had gotten the chance to get to know my extended family—the fae who raised and loved my own parents—I’d have done so in a heartbeat.
Because I imagine it would be like getting to know my parents all over again.
” His lips tilted up into a sad smile as I could see him imagining that exact scenario.
“Love doesn’t always have to hurt. If you have an opportunity here to learn that, you should take it. ”
I slowly let out a shaky breath.
“You might be right. Despite what Matea believes, it’s been a decade and a half since anybody has seen my mother. There’s no guarantee we’ll find her among the others we rescue. This… could be my only chance.”
He nodded his agreement, and I could feel his pride in me.
“You know, I do have some time to spare before I have to go check on everybody over at the den this afternoon,” Byn said, slowly reaching an arm behind me and stroking the inside of my wing.
I bit my lip to stop the sound that tried to escape my lips, but I couldn’t stop the way my toes curled at the contact.
A second later, his nose was gently nuzzling into the side of my neck, then his lips met the soft skin there, and I melted.
As we spent the rest of the late morning in each other’s company, we shared kisses, our skin met, and our emotions flowed freely between our bound souls.
Just as I was coming down from the high of being with Byn, I couldn’t help but think that despite not knowing what I’d been getting myself into with our tattoos, our souls didn’t meet by happenstance.
Because being in my husband’s arms, our bodies and souls bound as one?
That was exactly where I was meant to be.