Chapter Thirty-Six #2
“And if at any time you need to push some of that fear my way, I’ll happily take it from you. But come early morning, do not let your emotions rule you any longer. It’ll only mess with the control you have over your zirilium. Let it all out now, so that you’re ready by the morning,” Byn reasoned.
Then he paused, allowing me space to express myself if I so pleased.
But I didn’t want to talk.
I wanted him to feel.
So instead, I reached up on the tips of my toes and kissed him deeply.
The action wasn’t only a melding of our lips and bodies as we melted into each other, but it was also me opening the doorway between the very fibers that made up who we were. Usually, that doorway was cracked just enough for us to reach through, or for emotions to slip between us.
But this time, I reached inward and threw it wide open.
And with that connection solidified between us, I let him in completely.
And he engulfed every bit of me.
The greens of him bled into the blues and purples of me, creating multiple different shades and patterns in response. I let him feel all of me—the stress, the fear, the longing, the regret. Everything I’d been holding onto for months—it was his to feel, too.
The stress of failing and, therefore, disappointing those I held dear.
The fear of making the wrong call and risking everything we’d worked for.
The longing for a brother and friend I wasn’t sure I could save anymore.
The regret at taking a life—even though I knew Father had acted horrendously, I still couldn’t help but wonder what I could have done differently.
All of these and more, I let Byn in the same way he swept into my mouth, tasting each part of me the same way he reached through that open doorway and touched every part of my very soul.
And as he did, I could feel his emotions, too, as they mixed with mine where our cores met.
He was proud of me and was confident in my abilities.
Yes, he was anxious—he didn’t want to lose anybody else—but it didn’t seem to be eating him alive like it had just mere months ago.
The negative feelings within him had their space, yes, but they were outshined by the positive ones.
The joy at being with me, the comfort of having a solid plan in place, the peace of believing the Stars were on our side.
All of this and more seemed to radiate from him to me, until I finally felt all of that, too.
We were going to be alright.
I was going to be alright.
And as we slowly broke apart, retreating into ourselves as that doorway went from being wide open to cracked, like it had always been, I decided on something.
My fear would not conquer me any longer.
***
Byn and I rode back together on Atlas, who seemed to need no guidance in where we were headed, despite the sky still being dark above us. I’d ran much farther than I thought, directly toward the edges of the forest—in the opposite direction from where Neokell awaited us.
As we approached the middle of camp, we came upon a large crowd of soldiers surrounding Quinn and Caelia. It seemed the general was wrapping up a speech she was giving to them.
“—and that is why we’re here today. It isn’t just about your duty and serving the crown—it’s about doing what’s right for our people. And I mean all of our people!” Quinn yelled out, raising her sword into the air with the last sentence. “Now, everybody get to their positions!”
As the soldiers began to disperse, Byn slid down from Atlas’s back and shook hands with each one he could reach.
He offered soft words of encouragement, praise, or thanks, greeting nearly every one of them by name.
At least, the names of the Southern soldiers.
He didn’t seem to know many of the names of the Ocrein Isle soldiers, though he still made an effort.
They’d never gotten to go home since the Battle of Shadows, and I wished to the Stars they knew how much we appreciated them.
As they passed me next, I placed my fist over my heart, making eye contact with whom I could and nodding my appreciation and well wishes.
The energy in the air felt charged—the same way it did before a lightning strike hit. Everybody seemed nervous, but also a tad excited.
Because after today, we’d be one step closer to having peace across our realm.
I was sure of it.
The soldiers trickled out of the center of camp, heading west toward Neokell—and the encampments—to take their places hidden in the forest.
After most of them had dispersed, I caught Matea approaching Atlas—who sniffed the top of her head once and huffed before letting her get closer.
“You ready to do this?” she asked, now standing at Atlas’s side and peering up at me, her arms crossed over her chest.
“I am,” I responded, my voice coming out firm.
Matea just barely raised an eyebrow, letting me know she noticed the shift within me, but she must have decided not to mention it.
“Don’t forget who you are while you’re out there, alright?” she said. “And remember that we’ll be right on the other side of the wall, ready to pounce. You might feel alone, but you’ve got an entire army behind you, Viva.”
She dipped her head, though there was no sarcasm behind the act—just respect and… love. I could see it in her eyes as she met my gaze again.
I smiled at the realization, but before I could comment on it, a voice rung out.
“Dawn is quickly approaching!” Caelia called out, looking up toward the sky, which had lightened just a shade.
If we started running late, it would put our entire plan at risk.
At that single sentence, I realized there wouldn’t be a big goodbye like last time.
Chess and Ezra seemed to have already departed to set up small infirmary stations out at the thinner parts of the forest, and Teagan had been assigned to keep an eye on the outside of the main gate.
Matea was already slinking away in her shadow form, having said all she needed to say a moment ago.
Quinn and Caelia had followed their soldiers out of camp—leaving only Rayven, Laurence, Byn, and me in the middle of the camp.
Rayven was sticking close to Byn as they both strapped on a few extra daggers.
Though I knew I wasn’t seeing things when Rayven’s worried eyes caught on Matea as her shadow slipped into the forest, in the direction of the army.
Laurence, though, approached Atlas’s side as Matea had, Eden’s reigns in his hand.
At the sight of the duo, I slipped down from the giant wolf’s side and threw my arms around Eden’s neck.
“I miss you,” I told her, to which she let out a soft chirp sound in return. We’d been so busy as of late that Laurence had spent more time with my griffin than I had.
Turning to Laurence next, I smiled at the older male. “You got everything you need?” I asked him.
“Do you?” he questioned—ever worried about me instead of himself.
“I’ve got all I need.” I nodded, patting the pocket on my ribs where two vials and the cloth were being held.
He nodded firmly, then hesitated. He was looking at me not only with concern etched into his features, but also pride.
Before he could get emotional on me, I pulled him into a tight embrace—one he returned strongly.
“You be safe out there, alright?” His voice was lower than usual, heavy with the emotion he was holding back.
“You too, Laurence,” I said, patting him on the back twice before releasing him.
I knew I should be as anxiety-filled and nervous as everybody else seemed to be, but I couldn’t find those emotions in me anymore. If they were still in there somewhere, they’d quieted down in favor of a different feeling.
Hope.
“I’ll see you on the other side of this,” I said to the older male, patting him on the shoulder before he dipped his head once and departed, likely heading to his position.
I reached a hand out to Atlas, gently resting it along his side and grounding myself in the moment.
I needed to be entirely present.
“Are you ready for this, Avi?” I heard Byn ask from above.
Looking up to where my husband awaited me on Atlas’s back, I realized he and I were the only two fae left there.
His hand was extended to me, and I noticed he was wearing an extra ring today—one with his family’s crest engraved on it. As though he wanted to carry a piece of them with him.
The time had come.
Taking a deep breath, I nodded.
“I’m ready,” I confirmed as I slipped my hand into his.