Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-One
ALEX
Okay, I admit it. I feel better after that shower. I might have to burn those clothes. They smell like onions.
I don’t even like or eat onions.
Walking into my living room, I find the girls sitting on chairs, on the floor, leaning against the windowsill. The coffee table has been cleaned off and is full of my favorite snacks.
Chips and salsa, cheese and crackers, cookies, brownies, and a bubbling pot of queso.
They get me.
“Have you even eaten since I dropped you off the other day?” Dani asks.
Not wanting to answer, I shrug a shoulder and plop down on the floor next to Charlie.
“Okay, talk to us,” Darby says from the phone propped up against the bowl of salsa. God, I miss my older sister. She’s been attending veterinary school in Colorado. I’m so proud of her, but I can’t wait for her to come home. “Also, you have dark circles under your eyes.”
Maybe I don’t miss her as much as I thought I did.
“If all you’re going to do this afternoon is insult me, each one of you can fuck right off.”
“We love you,” Charlie reminds me with a smile. “And you look a lot better after that shower.”
“I feel better,” I admit with a sigh. “Okay, so here’s what happened.”
I take them through everything that transpired after book club the other night, and tell them everything that happened until they showed up at my door less than an hour ago.
“I don’t understand,” Billie says with a frown, her perfect eyebrows drawn together. “What’s holding you back from moving in with them permanently and letting the lease go on this place?”
I look at each of my sisters. Darby gives me a nod.
“I …” I pause and stare down at the chip in my hand. I picked it up when I started my story, but I haven’t taken even one single bite of it. “You all know that we had a shit childhood. That’s not a secret.”
Charlie leans over and takes my hand, and Dani, who’s on the other side of me, leans her head on my shoulder.
Darby closes her eyes and swallows hard.
“So everything we have, we fought for. Holden is a damn saint. He would do anything for us, and he’s helped us so much, even in our adult lives.
But this is the first place that is just mine.
You know? Holden didn’t have to help me with a deposit.
I didn’t have to find roommates. And I know that it’s not much, and it’s fucking hot in here, but it’s all mine. So that’s one reason.”
“What are the other reasons?” Skyla asks, her voice full of support. No pity. I love that there’s no pity or judgment in this room.
“What if,” I begin, my voice quiet, “I terminate this lease, move in with them, and they decide that they can’t handle all of my fucked up baggage and I have to start over all by myself?”
The room is quiet for a moment, and then I swallow hard and keep talking.
“I’ve dated before, but it was always a dumpster fire.
Because they got sick of me being afraid of animals, or they thought they could fix me, and when it didn’t work, they lost interest, and it was over.
I know I’m a lot, you guys. I’ve worked a lot on myself with the help of a therapist, and I’m much better than I was, but I’ll never be comfortable around pets.
They saw me have a panic attack once already. ”
“How did they handle it?” Millie asks.
Thinking back on that day on the boat, I smile. “They held me and reassured me until it passed.”
“That doesn’t sound like they’re annoyed to me,” Dani says.
“You’re allowed to be a lot,” Darby reminds me. “Baby girl, if you’re too much for them, they can go find less. Take up the space you need to take up. You’re a fabulous woman.”
“And they know it,” Millie adds. “They came to see Holden last week.”
I sit up straighter, staring at my friend. “What?”
“Yep.” She nods. “They came out to the ranch and asked to speak with him privately, so I wasn’t in on the conversation, but he told me later that they wanted to be clear that they care about you, plan to be with you for as long as you’ll let them, and needed to make sure they have Holden’s blessing because they know that would be important to you. ”
Charlie dabs at the tears flowing down my cheek.
“Well, shit.” I wipe my nose with the back of my hand.
“That doesn’t sound like someone who’s sick of you and your baggage,” Skyla says.
“God, it’s really swoony,” Billie adds, making me laugh.
“Do you love them?” Dani asks.
“Yeah. And that’s the other thing. Aside from you girls and Holden, I don’t let anyone close enough to me to really feel.
Because I was told my whole life that I’m worthless, a waste of space, and although I don’t believe that, I still carry the cage around my heart because I don’t trust that anyone would truly love me back.
Not like that. And these two sexy, accomplished, amazing men?
Two of them? No, that seems impossible.”
“I think they’re two sexy, intelligent men who know exactly what they want,” Charlie says. “And you need to trust that they know themselves and each other well enough to make that decision.”
“If the worst happened, we’ll always be here to help pick up the pieces,” Skyla reminds me. “But have a little faith in those two men who have done nothing but show you that they adore you.”
There’s a knock on the door, making me frown.
“I’ve got it,” Millie says, standing and crossing to the door. When she opens it, she steps back, and I see Jake Wild again. “Jake?”
“Oh, hey, Aunt Mills.” He leans in and kisses her cheek. “I have pizza for Alex. But I can go grab more.”
He glances inside and smiles at me.
“You’re having a party and didn’t invite me?”
I laugh and stand, make my way over to them. “Sorry about that. Let me guess, the guys sent this over?”
“Yeah, they want to make sure you’re eating.”
“That’s the sweetest,” Billie says behind me.
“Tell them thanks.”
Jake nods and takes a step back. “You look better than you did yesterday. I was kind of worried about you.”
I tip my head to the side and frown at the teenager. “Why were you worried?”
He shrugs almost self-consciously. “I guess I just know what it feels like to be extra sad. Crappy childhood, you know? But life’s pretty damn good now, and I guess I want you to be happy, too. I’ll let the guys know you got your pizza. They’re kind of freaked out.”
“I love this kid,” Dani says behind me, making Jake grin.
“Love you too, Miss Dani,” he says with a wink.
“Thanks, Jake. I’ll grab my purse and tip you.”
“Nah, they have it covered. I’m taking them for a ride.” He laughs and turns to the stairs. “I’m my father’s son.”
Jake went from foster care to being adopted by Millie’s brother, Ryan. A billionaire.
“Bye, Jake,” I call out and take the pizza over to my small desk and set it down.
“You look so much happier,” Darby says as I sit down again.
“I feel so … I don’t even know. I left them. They offered me so much, and I left because I’m scared to trust that they really love me. They’ve given me the space I asked for, while still making sure I’m taken care of. That I’m eating. That I feel … cherished.”
I wipe my nose again as more tears fall.
“And Jake just said that they’re freaked out.
They’re hurting, and they haven’t said one mean thing to me.
I don’t want to hurt them. They don’t deserve that.
I’m so done being controlled by a man who hated us with every fiber of his being.
He’s long dead, yet he still controls so many of my reactions to things. ”
I think back to the nightmare I woke up from this morning.
I’m so tired of being afraid.
“They wouldn’t leave me high and dry to fend for myself. And even if something catastrophic were to happen, I have you all. I have me.”
The others nod in agreement, and Charlie rubs her hand up and down my arm.
“I’ve been stupid,” I admit. “These guys love me, and I ran away.”
“You are not stupid,” Billie says, shaking her head. “Don’t talk about my bestie like that. You got scared, and I think that’s probably normal.”
“Now what’s going to happen?” Skyla asks.
I nibble on my lower lip. “I have to pack up the few things left in this apartment so I can go home.”
Charlie squeaks and wraps her arms around me, squeezing me, and kisses my cheek. “I’m so happy for you.”
“What if—”
“No!”
“Stop!”
“It’s going to be great!”
They all stop me in unison, making me laugh.
“Okay, you’re right. No more what-ifing myself to death.”
“Good.” Dani kisses my cheek. “Do you want help packing?”
“Nah, it won’t take long. There isn’t much left. The place comes furnished.”
“So for two months, you already had almost all of your stuff over at that house, but you still didn’t let the lease go?” Darby’s shaking her head at me.
“I’m stubborn, okay? I learned it from you.”
“Not me.” Darby holds her hands up. “We’ll blame Holden.”
“My man is incredibly stubborn. Thank God,” Millie agrees with a grin.
We all stand and put the mostly untouched food into bags so they can take it home, and I follow them to the door.
“Go home to your guys,” Dani says after kissing my cheek again. “Go live your beautiful life, sissy. We’ve earned it.”
The girls left over an hour ago. I spent some time eating the delicious pizza that my men sent over for me and taking a deep dive into my feelings, per my therapist’s recommendation throughout the years.
“Sit with your feelings, Alex. Let yourself experience them all and catalog them for yourself. Then move on to the next feeling.”
I guess when I started therapy, I wasn’t good at expressing emotion. Obviously, heavy emotions still make me panic.
As evidenced by my running out of that house the other day like it was on fire.
Because my emotions were on fire.
What it boils down to is, I love them. I’m learning to trust that love, and I need to allow myself to let them in. Fully. Completely.
That’s the only way this is going to work, and I sincerely, with every fiber of my being, want it to work.
I’ve just finished packing the last of my things when I hear the first rumble of thunder, and my pulse kicks up.
Summer thunderstorm.
Montana is famous for storms that come out of nowhere, and they’re violent. Loud.
Scary for me and my siblings.
This summer has been pretty mild when it comes to storms, and the few that we’ve had haven’t hit me terribly hard. Mostly because when they happened, I was with the guys, and their mere presence helped keep me calm. I was able to breathe through it and not cause a fuss.
But right now, I’m in this mostly empty apartment, alone, with the windows open to let the fresh air in, and oh God.
Charlie won’t stop screaming, and he tied her up far away from us so that we can’t reach her, can’t hold her and reassure her.
“Hey, baby,” Darby says with a shaky voice, “it’s just some rain. I promise, it’s not that bad. Look! We’re getting a shower outside. Isn’t that fun?”
No. No, it’s not fun, but I know she’s trying to calm our baby sister down.
It’s not working.
Charlie continues to scream, and I close my eyes, leaning my forehead against my hands, both tied to the fence post in the field.
If I just go inside my head and disappear for a while, it’ll go away.
I’m still bloody from earlier, when Dad took me out to the shed and made me watch him cut the throat of that dog. It sprayed all over me, making me shriek in horror, and then Dad punched me in the stomach to take the air out of me and make me stop.
He doesn’t like it when we show emotion. It makes him meaner.
I think he tied us out here today because I couldn’t help the scream in the shed. It’s all my fault.
Shaking, I stumble blindly into the closet in the bedroom, close the door, and hide in the corner, rocking back and forth.