Chapter 44
FORTY-FOUR
ETHAN
Iwanted to leave.
I wanted to crawl into the casket and hold Fox. To beg him to come back and not leave us.
I wanted to run into traffic and end everything.
Blowing out a shaky breath, I tugged at my tie. I hated ties. Fox used to tie them for me because I sucked at doing it. He wasn’t there this morning to laugh and do it for me. It was all crooked and shit.
Cole had given me a hit of sugar that took the edge off. It wasn’t enough. Nothing would ever be enough.
I looked over at Rosalie to see Jamie holding her as she continued to sob.
I wanted to hold her, too, but I couldn’t bring myself to reach for her. I was a disgusting piece of shit. She didn’t need my hands on her. Tainted. Ruined. Fucked.
FUCKED.
I was going to be a dad.
I knew I was. Celeste had fucked me so much in the underground that there was no way I didn’t knock that bitch up.
A kid. My kid. And that whore bag of a human would be its mother.
I gagged.
“E?” Enzo looked at me, his brows crinkled. “Do you need some time?”
I nodded, my stomach turning.
I had to tell Enzo that Celeste was in on this shit. That he needed to cut ties with her old man. I had no idea if he had a hand in any of it, but there was no way in hell I’d be able to get through this nightmare if I had to see him or her again.
Enzo rose and nodded for me to stand. I did so on shaky legs and walked with him to the bathroom. Once inside, I fell to my knees and heaved my guts into the toilet.
“Did we give you too much sugar?” he asked gently as he kneeled beside me with a cup of water in his hand.
I shook my head. I took the water and slurped it down. “No. D-Do you have more?”
Enzo reached wordlessly into his suit pocket and pulled out a sugar stick.
I snatched it from him, and he sparked his lighter for me. I took a deep drag off the lit stick and slumped against the wall, relishing in the high as it blanketed me.
We sat in silence for a long time before I spoke.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?” Enzo frowned at me.
“For… this.” I gestured to myself. “I’m not in a good place.”
“None of us are,” he muttered.
We were quiet again for a moment before he asked me a question.
“Fox… I-I know it was rough in the underground, but was he OK? Do you know if he was OK before he died?”
I took a deep hit and blew out the smoke.
“They raped him. Everett did it the first time. I don’t know how many other times it was done to him.
They made me watch as they tortured him.
Burned his feet. Cut him. Beat him. He was strong, though.
He didn’t give in.” I took another drag, wanting this nightmare to be over.
“Fox told me to be strong. To close my eyes. To go to my happy place, and he’d meet me there.
I made it here, to my happy place.” A tear trickled down my cheek. “Tell me why I’m not happy?”
Enzo wiped at his eyes without saying anything.
I smoked more. “It should have been me.”
“No, E. It should have been fucking Everett Church. Not you. Not Fox. Not the countless others he’s hurt.”
I let out a bitter laugh. “You’ll never catch the devil. He’s too connected. He’ll be a fucking ghost that haunts me for eternity.”
“His son. Dante. Did he hurt you?”
I shook my head. “No. I saw him one time. He came into my room and made me eat. Made me drink. Gave me meds to help the pain.”
Enzo frowned at that information.
“Really?”
“Yep.” Another drag from the sugar. “He told me to hang on. That Fox would fix it.” I let out a soft, sad laugh. “I don’t fucking know why he said that. But then again, I was pretty fucked up in there. Maybe I heard him wrong.”
Enzo studied me.
We stared at one another for a long time before I figured fuck it.
“You need to stop doing business with Vander Veer. Celeste, his daughter… she helps Everett.”
He blinked rapidly at my words. “What?”
I finished off the sugar and blew out a final puff of smoke. “Yeah. I don’t know if Vander Veer is involved. I didn’t see him down there, but she was there.”
A muscle thrummed along Enzo’s jaw, but he didn’t push me for more on the subject, and I didn’t say more.
I couldn’t. Not right now. It wasn’t the time or place.
Plus, I didn’t have the balls to admit that a girl raped me.
That I’d been hard. That I’d come inside her.
That she was likely knocked up with my kid.
I couldn’t even stomach the thought.
I’d have thrown up again if there was anything left in my guts to throw up.
“Rosalie is hurting,” I said.
“I know.”
“What are you going to do about it?”
He shrugged and looked down at his hands while he fiddled with a piece of lint.
“I love her,” I whispered.
“I know, man.” He didn’t look at me.
“Do you love her?” I ventured softly.
“I will never not love her.” His hands shook as he continued to twist the lint between his fingers.
“When are you going to tell her you’re not going to marry her?” I asked, my voice soft and shaky. I knew Lorenzo De Luca. He was backing down.
He finally looked at me, his dark eyes shiny with tears. “After the funeral. I-I don’t want to tell her right now.”
“Does Cole know?”
He shook his head. “Not really. He suspects.”
I swallowed hard. “You’re going to break it off with her, aren’t you? Break us apart?” My voice cracked.
“E… Let’s not talk about this right now. Let’s just get through this nightmare of a day. One day at a time, brother.”
“The wedding is in two weeks. You have to tell her—”
“I will! OK. I will.” He exhaled. “I love her. Don’t think I don’t, but I’m confused right now. I blame myself for this entire mess. I’m trying to work through it.”
“If you let her go, she won’t come back to us,” I rasped, tears cascading down my cheeks.
“E, come on. I think we all need some time to sort through things. Now isn’t the time to talk about it, OK? Let’s be here for Fox. Tomorrow it’s a new life. We need to focus on that.”
I said nothing as he stood. I followed him, and when I stumbled, he reached for me.
I jerked away. “Don’t. I-I don’t want to be touched.”
“Sorry,” he murmured.
He went to the door, opened it, and held it for me.
“E?”
I stopped next to him as he continued to hold the door.
“I really am sorry. For everything.” His bottom lip wobbled.
“I know,” I whispered. “Don’t cry if I don’t make it, though. Smile because I won’t hurt anymore.”
A tear slid down his cheek, and he gave me a nod.
“I’ll fight for you,” he said. “Brother. Always.”
I said nothing and walked out the door and into the hallway.
I didn’t want anyone to fight for me anymore. I wasn’t worth it.