Chapter 49 Ethan
FORTY-NINE
ETHAN
Ifinished bagging more drugs in the basement several days after Enzo told me and Cole about some coin Fox had. Enzo had looked at me like I knew something.
I didn’t know shit about a coin.
He didn’t press me on it, but I knew it was a matter of time before he was up my ass, asking questions.
I lit up a sugar stick and took a deep drag. The pain meds they’d given me in the hospital had stirred some of my demons a little bit too much, and I’d been getting far too wasted on sugar lately. It was helping me, though, so I wasn’t about to stop. It kept me numb. It kept me from losing my shit.
And most of all, getting fucking blitzed made my nightmares so muddled that I wasn’t waking up screaming every night since going so heavy on the drugs.
What I needed to do was perfect the one that made it easier to control people.
In my mind, I’d capture Everett Church and make him torture himself and eat any parts that fell off him.
I’d been dabbling the last few days, trying to make the one I had a bit better.
I wasn’t brave enough to try it, though, mostly because I was sure it would send me spiraling back to the underground with the shit they doped me with.
I hadn’t seen Rosalie much. I made sure to avoid her. Whenever I saw her, I got sick to my stomach, the ugly memories of Celeste riding me flashing through my mind.
I needed to tell Enzo and Cole, but the timing never seemed right.
I missed my sweetheart something fierce, but shit just wasn’t the same with me anymore.
The burden of my secret was tearing me apart inside.
It didn’t help that any sort of human contact made me completely lose my shit.
I couldn’t even look at my dick without vomiting.
It was all scarred to fuck and ugly. I didn’t want Rosalie to see me like that.
To know what happened to me. To know that I’d been balls deep inside some whore who was likely knocked up with my kid.
A soft knock sounded on the door to my sugar cave, dragging me from my awful thoughts before I could panic some more.
“Come in,” I muttered, not bothering to look up.
Enzo and Cole stepped into the room, closing the door behind them.
“You’ve been down here a lot lately,” Enzo commented.
“Drugs don’t make themselves,” I mumbled, finally looking at him as he took a seat next to Cole across from me in one of the chairs surrounding the table I was at.
“How are you feeling?” Cole asked.
“Don’t worry about me. Worry about Rosalie,” I said, looking at a point over Cole’s head. I knew they were pretty much ignoring her. At least Enzo was. Cole was still trying.
“We are worrying about her, but E, man, we’re worried about you too,” Cole continued.
“Well, don’t. I’m not worth it. I’m fine. I’ll be fine. Always am.”
Silence descended over the room again.
“E… I need to know. Fox didn’t tell you about the coin?” Enzo finally broke the silence.
I sighed. “I don’t know shit about a coin. He didn’t tell me anything. I swear it.” I finally looked at Enzo. “If he had a coin, he didn’t tell me. I never saw him with one, not in the u-underground, not at surface level. Never.”
Enzo studied me for a moment before nodding and sighing. “There’s more I want to talk about, E.”
I ground my teeth, knowing that was the case.
“I don’t want to relive anything,” I whispered.
“And I don’t want you to, but Vander Veer. You said Celeste was in the underground,” he continued gently.
My breath hitched at her name.
“E, man, this is important,” Cole murmured, sitting forward. “If she had anything to do with Fox’s death, we need to know.”
“I-I don’t know if she did,” I whispered, my legs bouncing. I twitched, my heart pounding hard.
“E, come on,” Enzo coaxed, his voice low. “Focus, brother.”
I tried to relax my breathing, but I was really struggling. I needed to say it, though. I had to. For me. For Fox. For my family. It all needed to be aired out.
My hands twitched as I continued to breathe heavily. Enzo and Cole didn’t push. They waited.
Fuck, they always waited for me.
“I fucked her,” I choked out, the ugly truth tumbling off my lips in stuttered gasps. “I fucked Celeste.”
The room was silent with my confession, so I continued.
“It was forced on me. They tied me down and-and she rode me. They promised to let Fox go if I did it. I-I was trying to save him. I-I fucked her. S-She’s pregnant.
I know she is. That was the entire reason for it.
She wanted my baby. I-I gave in. I did it.
I came inside her so many fucking times.
I failed. I failed Fox. I-I couldn’t save him.
I ruined our lives. Our family. I was so drugged up.
” I wept softly. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.
Don’t hate me. Please don’t fucking hate me.
I hate myself enough already. It should have been me.
Not Fox. Never Fox.” Tears flooded my cheeks as I admitted my sins.
Enzo moved forward and kneeled in front of me as I turned in my seat. He didn’t touch me. He simply stared into my eyes.
“Celeste raped you?”
I nodded miserably. “I begged for it to stop. I did. I didn’t want it.
I wanted to save Fox, but I-I-I would never…
I’d never fuck another woman. Rosalie…my sweetheart.
I love her. I love her so fucking much. I can’t stand to be touched because I’m disgusting.
I’m so fucking disgusting.” My voice cracked, my tears coming faster.
“I don’t want her to know. Please. Fuck, Enzo.
Don’t tell her. Please don’t fucking tell her what I did. ”
“Ethan, you did nothing wrong,” Enzo said fiercely. “Do you hear me? You’re a victim. A fucking victim. Celeste will pay for what she’s done.”
“Don’t tell Rosalie. Please,” I continued through my tears. “She-She can’t know. Please. I’m fucking begging you—”
“We won’t tell her,” Cole said, coming to kneel next to Enzo. “Promise, brother.”
He reached for me. I tensed, my nausea churning deep inside my guts at the thought of being touched. But I wanted a damn hug. I needed it.
Carefully, he wrapped his arms around me. I relaxed against him, sobbing into his neck. Enzo put his arms around us, holding us tightly as Cole vowed to make everyone involved pay.
“I don’t want her with my kid,” I rasped. “I fucking don’t. I don’t want a kid with her. S-She’s going to tell Rosalie. I know she will. It’ll ruin every-everything.”
“It’s OK. We’ll work it out,” Enzo murmured, holding us tighter. “I’ll handle it.”
“Don’t tell Rosalie…”
“Never, E. I’ll never tell. I’ll fix it,” Enzo said in a voice that sent shivers down my spine.
He pulled away from us. I clung to Cole for a moment longer before releasing him. He backed away and wiped at his eyes.
“I’m going to do some really bad things,” Enzo said in a rough voice. “Some things that are going to hurt. Are you in?”
I looked to Cole, who visibly swallowed.
“I’m always in,” Cole said, a muscle thrumming along his jaw.
“Me too,” I whispered, hoping I wouldn’t regret my words.
But fuck it. It was too late ten years ago when I met the horsemen. There was no going back now.
“I-I’m in,” I confirmed.