33. Waverly
CHAPTER 33
WAVERLY
Fortunate:There is something to be said about waking up in my best friend’s arms. The exact arms I can’t imagine never embracing me again.
Unfortunate:These arms around me will have to let me go. For a short time, anyhow.
I’m stuck under the weight of an elephant. Well, not really. But Roman is sleeping like the dead with his leg and arm thrown over me as if he’s afraid I’ll be gone when he wakes up.
Patrick pops in my head. How he’s alive and not sucked into a salty abyss, but instead he’s in the next town over. And although guilt should be riding heavy on my shoulders for being wrapped up in his brother’s arms, it’s not. Not at all. Since Roman has waltzed back into my life, he’s stolen the show. My life was made up of stolen moments with this dark-haired, olive-skinned man, and I was blind to it all.
My mom always told me real love was easy. Perhaps that’s why things with Patrick felt right. It was easy, so I thought it was love. But it was far from it.
Roman stirs next to me, pulling me tighter against his chest. I love waking up next to him. Or I guess in this case, partially under him. I feel safe, and dare I say, loved. Like the real kind of love. The thought of this morning ending breaks my heart a little. I know once we leave this room, it’s over. For now. He knows it, too.
I need time for myself. I need to figure out who I want myself to be, what I want to do with my life. I went from somebody’s puppet to a shell of a lost human—mainly because I lost my identity—to someone else’s woman. I never stopped to figure out what the hell I want for myself—my life. This must be over, even if it’s just for now.
How can something be over if it hasn’t even begun?
I refuse to move, so instead I allow my brain to drift into a beautiful place. Somewhere magical I’ve been before that should have changed my life forever. If only I’d let it.
“Patrick! Just once, please? It’s just right up there,” I beg as I point and stare up at a wooden swing on top of the tall grassy hill.
He pulls my hand back and shakes his head. “I don’t want to climb a hill just to sit and need to walk down again. I have training early in the morning.” Disappointment courses through me as I swallow back tears.
“I’ll go with you, Kensi!” Roman beams, as he stands next to the girl he brought on our double date to the fair. Having such an intimate moment with my boyfriend’s brother seems a little off, but the sun is starting to set, and I really want to watch it from the swing. There is something so magical about the idea of seeing something like that with someone you love. The legend says miracles are created up there. I could use a miracle, for fuck’s sake.
Patrick lets go of my hand and nods, silently giving me the go-ahead to go with his brother.
I look at Roman’s date, who’s biting into a caramel apple that’s almost as big as her face, as if Roman doesn’t exist. Roman hands her his craft beer.
“I’ll race you, Rome.” We challenge each other. That’s our thing. He keeps me young, or maybe I just never grew out of it. His gray eyes watch me playfully as he chews the inside of his cheek. I don’t know exactly what he’s thinking, but I do know one thing…when he looks at me like this, there are no shadows across my heart.
He steps up next to me and looks in my direction. “Do you really think you can beat me, Kensi?”
“I never lost against you, Rome. I don’t plan on it now,” I joke with a roll of my eyes.
“No, but I do.” He bolts, except before he does, he grabs my hand and pulls me up the steep hill with him, not stopping until we reach the top.
My hand is still in his death grip as he looks out over the horizon. I look down between us at our adjoined fingers, wondering if this is crossing some type of boundary. Of course it is, but I can’t bring myself to let go first. The feeling I get zinging through my veins when he touches me goes unmatched. Like there is a magnetism when we come in physical contact with each other. The pull I have toward him. Like every time we spend more time together, there is string being woven around us. Almost impossible to pull away from. And I’m not going to. What if up here, just for now, it’s okay.
The band down below starts playing a cover of Dave Matthews Band’s “Say Goodbye.” “ How fitting,” I think to myself. A song about being lovers tonight, and tomorrow, going back to being friends. I look up into the sky above me and laugh at the irony.
Roman must finally realize our fingers are still tangled together because seconds later he abruptly lets go of my hand and shoves his own in his pockets. I hate how it brings back a feeling like a part of me is missing—I hate it so much.
He checks his watch and his tongue darts out to wet his lips, and I watch the whole damn thing. I wonder what he tastes like. Maybe like craft beer and mint. I wonder if he’s ever wondered what kissing me would be like.
“It looks like we have about fifteen minutes until the sun sets behind the skyline. Let’s have a seat.” He sits first, steadying the worn-out wooden swing for me to sit next to him. I lower myself slowly, still confused on how I can feel so different with him than I feel around Patrick. It’s like night and day. Uptight and calm. Worthless and… Well… not worthless.
“This song…I used to play it on repeat, you know?” he admits, chuckling. Heat uncontrollably flushes my cheeks and drops to my neck. From my experience, a song on repeat is more for the lyrics.
“Oh? Why on repeat?” My voice cracks and his grin flashes briefly, dazzling against his olive skin. He gazes out to the horizon, a brazen look remaining on his handsome face.
“You know, there’s something magical about this. Being up here….” He gives me a smile that sends my pulse racing, ignoring my question. “With you,” he whispers. I’m unable to speak. I am without words. Goosebumps form over my skin at his admission.
“Waverly,” his voice throaty. “This song was on repeat because it reminds me of you. I’d give nothing more than to have one night with you.”
My mouth falls open and I turn away from him, unable to hold his gaze for fear he can read right through me. He’d see that despite being with his brother, I long for more, and Roman has my attention. My ears start ringing, increasing the fear that I’ll miss what he says next. I have to hear what he has to say next. A soft breeze trickles across my skin, forcing me to shiver—and it has nothing to do with the temperature, but everything about his words and the scent of him creeping into my soul.
His hand rests on mine as it lays face down between us.
“Not because I don’t want to have you in my bed every night,” he chuckles. “But I feel like one night with you would be better than having to go my entire life not knowing what it’s like to be the one who gets to make you feel like the most beautiful person in the world. To tell you how painfully stunning you are. How brilliant you are…” He looks back out at the now setting sun, and I can’t bring myself to do anything but tear up. “How you’re perfect for me ,” his voice trails off. He’s at a loss for words. But so am I.
This is the place of miracles. Is he my miracle?
“Rome…I…I don’t know what to say.” And I don’t. I swallow a lump in my throat. Has there always been a thing between us? Something I’ve overlooked or chalked up to being a divine friendship. Just two people who see eye to eye, crave the same things out of life. Everything Roman wants to give me is the only things I’ve ever wanted in a man. And the man I do call mine doesn’t scrape the bare minimum of what I need in a relationship. But I can’t step out on what I have right now. Not yet. I love Patrick. Actually… “I can’t say anything right now,” comes out in a rasp. I clear the frog from my throat and continue, “Not right now.”
I stare out at the sunset with his hand still resting on mine, until I take a leap and turn my own to face upward, entangling our fingers, once again. He doesn’t look over at me, but squeezes three times. I look at him and smile while butterflies start to take flight in my stomach, but I tamp them down. It’s something I’ve grown good at over the past few years.
I don’t squeeze back. I can’t. I shouldn’t be up here. But I am. I shouldn’t be enjoying this moment, but I do.
I fight against closing my eyes because I don’t want to miss what we came here to do. But right now, just in this moment, I scoot a little closer and lay my head on his shoulder, and he presses a kiss to the crown of my head.
“I never want this night to end,” I whisper into the night sky, hoping the universe will hear my emotional plea. For a moment, I feel…light. Emotionally free from a hell I didn’t know I was in. I wish I could freeze this moment. But I can’t, and the sun slips behind the horizon, allowing the stars to have their time to shine.
“We should get back.” He stands, never letting go of my hand. We exchange one more look, our faces lit from the fair below us. I wish I could read his mind.
With every step down the hill, we grow closer to the people we came here with. With every step, I feel Roman slipping further and further away from me. Like what we spoke of on the swing was all in my imagination.
Roman wraps his arm around his girlfriend, and Patrick bumps my shoulder with his, and that was it. We went our separate ways.
The next day he left my life… and he never said goodbye .
Roman
This song will always mean something to me. Except, unlike the song, I’ll be saying goodbye tonight. Before we leave this bench. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t pretend not to be head over heels in love with her. It’s not fair to her, my brother, or myself… I have to say goodbye. If I don’t do it before we walk down this hill, I won’t do it at all. But I don’t say goodbye. Instead, I leave and don’t turn back, because we aren’t meant to have our goodbye. Not yet.
Waverly
“Waverly, baby…are you okay?” Roman’s fingers stroke my cheek as my eyes flutter open, “You’re crying?” I must have fallen back to sleep.
“It’s like the song. After all these years, we’re always saying goodbye. ” I roll onto my side and sob into his bare chest, breathing in his scent. I didn’t want that daydream to end. But it did. And now I have to bring this to an end, too. Stand on my own two feet. Not need someone to save me from myself. From my depression. I need to be better for myself. Figure all of this shit out and then I can finally fall in love. I can’t do both.
“You’re ending this, aren’t you?” Roman’s face tightens and his jaw tics.
“I…” A sob escapes me. “I…don’t know what else I can do right now, Rome.” I can’t hold it in any longer. Tears pour out of me as I fight to breathe.
“Shhhh.” He rubs the back of my head, never asking for more conversation. Never pushing but accepting our fate. “It’s not goodbye. It never is goodbye. Not yet.” His heart beats hard and fast against my face. “I’ll always be here for you.”
“What if you find someone?” I try to inhale, not caring if it sounds asinine. Being jealous of someone who doesn’t exist. I feel myself falling into an old pattern—waiting for the other shoe to drop, never allowing myself to be fully happy.
“It’s not me I’m worried about,” he rasps out. I pull back to look in his stormy eyes that are now glazed with unshed tears. “Have you seen yourself? Men are going to be lining up at your doorstep. You’re going to heal, and be the person you were always meant to be. You’ll be glowing…even more than you are now. Some man is going to sweep you off your feet. A man who has his shit together more than I do.”
I shake my head no, but we both know that the future is unpredictable. You can plan and plan and plan until you’re blue in the face, but one fleeting moment can hinder those plans and blast them into oblivion.
“I should go before this gets harder.” I force myself to roll away from him.
“Oh.” He sniffs, refusing to look me in my eyes. “I got you something. Open it when you get home.” He hands me what’s obviously a hardcover book wrapped in brown paper with my name doodled on it like graffiti. I dare to look at him, but his head is hanging with his wet cheeks on full display.
Why does the right thing to do feel so damn wrong?
I hold it to my chest, fighting back a sob, swallowing past the lump in my throat.
“Waverly. Can I ask a favor?” My head moves up and down, unable to form a coherent sentence. Tears trek down my cheeks with no end in sight. I’m quick to brush them away, but they refuse to slow. “Can I have a kiss before you go?” he asks.
We finally look into each other’s eyes filled with pain—bloodshot like we haven’t slept in weeks—sharing a silent moment filled with promises.
He pops up from the edge of the bed, and like a wave, we get pulling into a kiss with no chance of escaping, both of us in painful lust as our tears run together. A tingling sensation washes through my body as his hands urgently cup my face, deepening the kiss. In this moment, nothing else matters. No past. No future. Only a sliver of air is able to get into my lungs as we refuse to break our mouths apart. This moment will live with me forever—long after I leave this house.
This feels a lot like we’re saying goodbye.