Lizzie
Chapter Thirty-Six
Igasp as a massive shiver runs through me. I suspect it’s a combination of the chill in the fall night air, the conversation, and being this close to him.
Alone.
“You’re cold.” He frowns. “We should get you home and—”
“No!” A wave of embarrassment at my intense protest passes over me. “Please, not yet. I’m okay.”
Holden peers at me as if he’s studying me. He lifts his arm, an invitation to move closer to him. Though a part of me is terrified to open this door, to hope that we could really have our chance, the rest of me can’t resist, and I scoot into the offered space.
Once I tuck myself under his arm, his body relaxes, and I allow myself to melt into him. We stay like that for a while, not needing to fill the space with words.
After a few minutes, Holden speaks.
“Are you okay?” His voice is soft, yet laden with concern.
I realize that, other than being nestled into his side, I’ve not given him any significant sign of where we stand after all that he shared. I’ve not really said how the information he’s shared with me will affect what happens with us moving forward.
I pull away from him and twist my body until I can clearly see his expression. Worry etches across his face, his eyes questioning.
“It’s not as bad as I was afraid it would be. I felt scared you were going to tell me you were a womanizer, so you’ve relieved me on that front. But I don’t like how it made me feel to think about you with someone else. Which is totally hypocritical because I was with—”
Shoot. What is wrong with me? I don’t want to talk about having sex with Landon when I snuggle up with Holden. Especially not at a time that feels so raw and fragile.
“Fuuuck,” Holden says. He pushes the heels of his hands against his eyes. “I really wanted to pretend you hadn’t been with him physically. I know I have no right, but it makes me feel murderous to think of that bastard putting his hands on you.”
We can’t go down that path. We need to keep the people from our pasts there.
In a moment of uncharacteristic boldness, I climb onto his lap, straddling him. He freezes. His hands drop from his eyes, and his heated gaze focuses on me. I swallow past the lump in my throat and cup his face in my hands, staring into his eyes.
“We can’t do that—dwell on those things. We have to move forward and put the past behind us if there’s any hope we could...”
He grasps my waist with his large hands and pulls me closer until only inches separate us.
“Any hope we could what?” he asks. His breathing is shallow.
Maybe I’m not the only one who’s a bundle of nerves. I can see in his eyes that he needs my words. He needs me to choose him.
“Hope that we can forgive ourselves and each other for the hurt we both caused when we were young and give us the second chance it sounds like we both want.”
“You’re sure that’s what you want?” he asks.
I decide to be brave, and I close the distance between us and barely touch my lips to his.
“I’m sure,” I whisper against his mouth.
Then I kiss him. It only takes two light kisses from me before one of his hands is in my hair, as he catches up and kisses me back.
At first, everything is soft, tentative. But when he brushes the tip of his tongue against my mouth, I instantly open. He deepens the kiss, and all hesitation falls away.
I’m not sure how much time passes with us lost in each other, but we eventually pull apart. I instantly miss him. Young Holden was a good kisser, but kissing this more mature Holden is now one of my new favorite things.
“I already hate myself for saying this, but I probably should get you home. You need to get some rest before your first live Sugar ‘n Spice event tomorrow.”
He places a tender kiss on the side of my mouth, then on my lips.
When I feel him pull back a few inches, I tighten my grip on him—one hand on his shoulder and the other wrapped under his arm, touching his back.
“Wait,” I say.
“You okay? What’s wrong?”
He takes his hand and brushes my messy hair away from my eyes. It’s so intimate, and it’s completely him—taking care of me.
“I’m fine. But I have something to say before we go. Okay?”
He nods, but I feel him tense under my hands. I don’t want him to have anxiety about where he stands with me. I move my hands so that they’re both touching the back of his neck, my fingertips in his hair.
“I’m frightened that I’ll screw this up. Or that it’ll confuse Simon. But I’m more terrified not to try because I really want this. This version of us. I want to give us our second chance, if you do.”
“I do. I absolutely do.”
He leans in and brushes my temple with a kiss.
I slide my hands toward his face.
“Good. Because I choose you. You’ve always been my choice, and you always will be.”