Chapter 16
Chapter Sixteen
HARPER
I cannot believe that I spewed that shit in bed this morning. We’re having a great time together, and I had to let my insecurities and the baggage from Nathan the moron rear its ugly head.
And now, Blake, who didn’t deserve even one word of the comments I made, needs an explanation.
He deserves an explanation.
But this is so humiliating.
“This is the Wild family’s ranch. It’s actually the Lexingtons’ as well since they combined the properties after Millie and Holden married, making it the biggest cattle ranch in Montana,” Blake says.
He’s holding my hand as he drives down a gravel road off the highway.
When the road forks, he keeps right and soon we’re driving around a lake.
There’s a beautiful house and dock on the lake, with what looks like a large shop nearby.
“This is Chase’s house,” Blake continues. “He and Summer built it not long ago. ”
“It’s a beautiful spot,” I reply, taking it all in. It’s truly stunning, with gorgeous views of the mountains.
“Yeah, Chase chose well when he decided to build here,” Blake agrees and pulls to a stop at a little trailhead. “This is us.”
I nod and step out of the car. I didn’t bring my pack with me, but Blake has one we put snacks and water in, and once he has that strapped to his back, we set off through the woods.
“This is about a five-mile loop,” he says. “But we can turn around anytime.”
“I’ll be fine,” I assure him.
It’s an overcast spring day, but it’s not too cold, and it smells so freaking good in these trees. Pine and earth and fresh air mingle to create Mother Nature’s perfume, and I absolutely love it.
“It smells good out here,” I say, taking a deep breath.
Blake nods and takes my hand, links our fingers and brushes his thumb over the back of my knuckles.
He’s waiting. He’s being patient and sweet because that’s who Blake is.
I know he’s not Nathan. He’s absolutely nothing like that piece of shit.
So why do I get those intrusive thoughts that Blake will behave the way my ex did?
Trauma response? Maybe. It’s fucking ridiculous. One more thing to be ashamed of.
“I wish I could forget him,” I begin quietly. “Like, just give myself selective amnesia or something and erase those few years of my life from existence.”
“I think we all have moments we would use an eraser on if we could. ”
I nod and lick my lips, thinking it over. Just like always when I think about that time in my life, I start to feel nauseous, but I swallow it back and lift my chin.
I can do this.
“First of all, what I’m going to tell you is stuff that I’ve never told anyone. Not even Ava.”
“Why?”
I frown up at him, and he leans down to kiss my forehead. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, why didn’t you tell your best friend in the world what was going on, sugar?”
“Because I’m mortified. I’m so fucking embarrassed. I don’t want to tell you either, but if we’re going to make a go of this, you need to know because I have bad moments sometimes, and that’s not fair to do to you without giving you some context.”
His hand tightens, and he stops us cold.
“Should he be in jail, Harper?”
I soften and lean in to hug him. “No. He never hit me or did anything illegal.”
He relaxes a bit, kisses my head, and we start walking again.
“I met him at the hospital where I worked in Portland. He’s not in health care. He was visiting his sister, who had a baby in the NICU in a situation similar to Bryce’s.”
Blake nods, listening. His face is calm and relaxed, and his hand is firm but not too tight in mine.
He’s okay. I need Blake to be okay because, by the time I get to the end of this, I might not be .
“He seemed nice. Pretty normal. His family didn’t like me, and I know now that they wouldn’t like anyone.
Nathan—never Nate. He doesn’t do nicknames—was the golden boy.
The perfect son, the perfect everything.
So no one would ever live up to their standards for him.
Anyway, he asked me out, I said yes, and we dated for a while.
It was casual and normal, and I never even fucking suspected that he was a piece of shit. ”
“That’s not uncommon,” Blake reminds me, pushing a low-hanging branch out of my way.
“No, it’s not. He was the sweetest human being.
I’m not kidding. He never lost his temper, he doted on me, and he was understanding of my work schedule.
It was way too good to be true, but I ate it up.
When you have an early childhood full of neglect and being invisible, and a handsome, attentive man turns his attention to you , you just eat that shit up. ”
Blake nods and still seems okay, so I keep going.
“We’d been together for about a year when he proposed, and I said yes.”
That has my man stopping short and scowling down at me, his jaw tense.
“You were going to marry him.” It’s not a question, and it makes me bite my lip in apprehension.
“Well, for a minute, that was the plan. But?—”
He frames my face and kisses me hard as if he’s claiming me and reminding me that I’m his. And it feels so damn good that I lean into him and hold on.
“I don’t have to tell this story,” I whisper when he pulls away and still looks upset .
“I’m okay.” He takes a breath and kisses my forehead. “I didn’t realize you’d been engaged, and, well. Turns out I’m a jealous fucker. That’s new. Keep going.”
We continue on the trail, and I try to gather my thoughts.
“After he proposed, things went sideways pretty fast. He’d lose his temper and snap at me for things that were just stupid. He thought it was funny to make fun of me in front of his friends or family, then cover it up and kiss me, or hug me, so it looked like I was in on the joke.”
“Make fun of you how?”
“Little things, like point out that I had something in my teeth, and then laugh, or that I had a spot on my shirt. Little humiliations.”
“Death by a thousand cuts,” he murmurs, and I nod because that’s exactly what it was.
“Very much, yes. When we looked at buying a house, he insisted that it be only in his name, and that I was nowhere on the mortgage. In the end, that really worked out well for me because I could leave without any ties to him.”
Blake’s grinding his teeth now, but I keep going.
“About six months into the engagement, after we’d moved into the house, I found out he’d been fucking his secretary.
” I snort at that, then laugh out loud. “What a cliché. Then because she was mad that he’d dumped her, she texted me receipts of a bunch of other women he’d slept with and totally ratted him out.
I wish I could say that I was surprised.
Before he proposed, I would have been devastated and shocked, but after?
Not really. He was evasive about where he was in the evenings, and he became, well, a dick.
Not the man I dated the year prior. And I knew, Blake.
I just knew that it wasn’t going to work for the long haul, but I didn’t know how to put the pieces together to leave.
So I used my job as an excuse to sleep in a different bedroom because of working nights and said I didn’t want to disturb him. ”
“But you didn’t want to be there.”
“Hell no. He was never going to touch me again. I didn’t know where the hell he’d been.”
“Good girl.” He squeezes my hand in encouragement.
“I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to tell my family because they’d already done so much for me, and to admit that I’d gotten myself into that mess and ask for help just wasn’t an option for me. I did tell Ava that he’d cheated, but not about the mental abuse.”
“Expand on that part,” Blake says as we climb to the top of a hill. We pause to take in the view, and I keep talking.
“It grew into him being a jerk all the time. He would nitpick everything. What I wore, what I said. If I was home during the day, he’d come home on his lunch break to make sure I was where I said I was. Not because I was a liar?—”
“Because he was,” Blake guesses, and I nod.
“There were times when he’d lock me in a room for eight hours or more and lecture me. Yell at me. Remind me that I’m worthless, that I’m not fun, I’m horrible at my job, I’m a shitty friend. I’m despicable in bed. ”
“Fucking hell, I’m going to kill him.”
I shake my head. “He did that often. Usually if I was happy about something and he needed to remind me that I suck.”
“So why—” He stops talking and when he doesn’t go on, I do it for him.
“Why did I stay so long?” I nod and let out a breath.
“Well, that’s a good question. I knew I would not marry him.
That wasn’t going to happen. But I also had to plan how to leave.
I didn’t have family nearby. I had a couple of work friends, but no one that I was close to, and I don’t trust easily, Blake.
I don’t make friends quickly. I could have called Greg and the others, and they would have come right out to get me, no questions asked.
But I also had a job, and—” I shrug and sigh with frustration.
“I felt stuck. I felt like I made that choice, and it was my job to figure it the fuck out.”
“Okay.” Blake turns and pulls me into his arms, hugs me close and lowers his lips to my ear. “Okay, baby. I’m sorry. I just hate that you were ever made to feel anything but perfect because you are. But you’re safe now.”
“Yeah.” I blink quickly, not wanting to cry. “I am.”
“So what happened?”
“A miracle in the form of a bachelor party.”
Blake’s eyebrows wing up as we keep going on the path.
“Oh, there’s going to be a ton of huckleberries up here in a couple of months.”
He nods. “Yeah, this is a great picking spot. We can come back when they’re ripe. ”
The fact that he hasn’t already written me off is a good sign.
“I’d like that. I make a really great huckleberry lemon loaf, and I’m dying to try it gluten-free. Anyway, there was a co-ed bachelor party for one of his friends that I was expected to go to. It was in Vegas.” I wrinkle my nose, and Blake snorts.