Chapter 17 Holden #2
“I don’t know why I bought it. I wanted to get you something, so I did.”
“Why? You’re the one who called shit off, remember?”
“Because I fucking can’t stop thinking about you, okay? Every day, all day, every goddamn night. And I wanted to do something instead of just sitting around being miserable. But it was obviously a mistake. Our favorite word.” I turned to go. “Toss the book in the trash for all I care.”
“Holden…”
I whirled back around. “And yes, it’s reckless and stupid to try again, but what if we need each other? Maybe how different we are works. Maybe we fill in the missing parts for each other. Ever think of that?”
“Yeah, I’ve thought of it. Lots of times. But—”
“River?” A man’s voice called. “You back here?”
“Shit.”
River grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and dragged me around the corner. Our eyes locked for half a heartbeat, and then he slammed me up against the wall, his body pressed against me, our faces inches apart.
“How do you keep doing this to me?” he whispered, his eyes dilated and dark. “So I can’t hardly think. Every fucking time…”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I managed weakly, my limbs going slack at being in his space, breathing his air, and feeling his hard body after going so long without.
“River?” His dad wasn’t getting closer but not giving up either.
“He’s calling you,” I whispered, then widened my stance to bring River’s groin tighter to mine. Christ, he was hard and huge, and I groaned for missing every part of him.
“Shh.” He covered my mouth with a grease-smudged hand. “Don’t say a word.”
“River,” his dad called. “You down there?”
“Just taking a piss,” River croaked.
I maneuvered my mouth out from under his grasp and bit his finger, tasting the salt of his skin and the sharp bite of turpentine.
His nostrils flared, and he ground against me, almost against his will, his body responding with mindless need. “Be…right there.”
“Hurry up though. Ms. Stanlin is waiting for her paperwork.”
We both waited, eyes locked as the footsteps faded. Slowly, reluctantly, River let me go and sagged with his back to the wall beside me.
“Fuck, Holden,” he said, sounding drained. “You can’t be showing up here. Or at my house. My friends are starting to get suspicious. If it gets out about you and me, my football career is over.”
“How very dramatic.”
River shook his head. “It won’t be overt. It won’t be obvious. They’ll just fade me out slowly. Bench me at college, and I’ll go undrafted. I wish it weren’t that way, but it is. No one comes out until they’re retired. Not if they want to play.”
“You don’t want to play.”
“I do,” he said. “For my dad, I do. He’s losing Mom. It’s the only thing I can give him.”
A silence fell. My heart felt as if it were breaking and yet strangely full at the same time.
“You’re a good guy, River. Too good for the likes of me.”
I pushed off the wall and started walking. If I looked at him, at his face that was as kind as it was handsome, I’d cry.
“Holden…”
“Go on,” I said without looking back. “Ms. Stanlin needs her paperwork.”
***
James started to toss his cigarette when he saw me approach. I waved at him not to and pulled out my own Djarums. I lit mine off his, and we smoked in silence.
“Welp,” I said finally. “Can’t say I didn’t try. Tell them to put that on my gravestone, James. Hey, at least he tried.”
“Very good, sir,” he said quietly.
He took me back to the guesthouse. I’d hardly been home a minute when a text came in from River.
I shouldn’t have let you walk away.
I let out a shaky breath and sank onto the couch. My fingers trembled slightly as I typed a reply.
That’s a hell of an opener, my friend.
It’s the truth. The first true thing I’ve said in a long time. I’m sorry it took so long to say it.
That’s okay, I typed. I understand.
I don’t want you to understand, River wrote back. I want you to punch me in the face until I stop being so ducking scared all the time.
I sagged against the couch cushions and smiled to myself, imagining River in his mechanic’s uniform, his big football player body hunched over his phone. Hope and happiness rose in my chest, making me stupid.
Ducking? I typed.
There was a short pause, and then my phone lit up with River’s number.
“I don’t want to punch you in the face,” I said as I answered. “First, I’m not into that kinky shit—”
“Holden…”
“And second—”
“Will you shut up for a minute?”
“Damn, you’re sexy when you’re bossy.”
He let out a sigh that was half laugh. “Why aren’t you pissed off? I was a dick to you. You deserve better.”
I ignored that last part, even as my heart ached to hear it. “I’m not pissed. You’re doing your best.”
“I can do better.”
“What does that mean?”
“I want to see you again.”
I laid my hand on my chest. “I do too. But you still have to go to college, and I’m still leaving the country.”
“I know. Does that make this a bad idea? Or wrong?”
“A mistake?”
“Yeah,” he said, his voice low. “I don’t want to see you like how you were on Christmas. Not ever again. I…don’t want to hurt you.”
I pressed the phone tighter to my ear. “I don’t want to hurt you either.”
“So maybe we try again. Take it slow. See what happens. But…oh, Christ,” River said suddenly with a groan. “I asked Violet to prom.”
I grinned. “Of course you did.”
“You and I hadn’t spoken in months and—”
“I already knew.”
“How?”
“I have my ways. Besides, I told you. Miller and Violet are soulmates.”
River huffed a sigh. “But, Holden, as far as I know, we’re still going together. And even if not, I can’t—”
“Be seen with me in public?”
He made a pained sound.
“I’m messing with you,” I said. “I know the deal, and besides, it’s not like all my shit has suddenly vanished either. My mental baggage isn’t going to be cured by spending quality time with your huge, perfect dick.”
He coughed. “Jesus, dude.”
“Alaska is still there. I can’t promise it won’t drag me down again like it did that day.”
I waited with my breath held for River to tell me that he’d changed his mind and that my shit was too much to deal with. That I wasn’t worth it.
“Forget what I said about not wanting to see it,” River said. “I want to be there for you and…help you through whatever I can.”
I shook my head, tears stinging my eyes. “It’s a lot.”
“Let me take it,” he said. “I want to. I don’t know what’s going to happen with my mom, but when it does, it’s going to be bad. If we help carry each other’s shit, maybe it won’t all seem so damn heavy, you know? Maybe we won’t feel so…”
“Alone.”
“Yeah. Okay so…” River cleared his throat. “I guess we’ll talk soon.”
Disappointment bit at me. This is what taking it slow looks like.
“Yep. Good night, River.”
“Good night, Holden.”
We hung up, and I stared at my phone, stifling a smile to keep it from getting too big and dopey.
I want to see you again…
“Patience, grasshopper,” I told myself. “Good things come to those who wait, or some such bullshit.”
Twenty minutes later, I’d changed into pajama pants and a V-neck T-shirt and lay on the couch, flipping aimlessly through TV channels, when a knock came at my door.
“Beatriz,” I said, hauling myself up with a grin. “Are we going to make movie night a thing? Because I am here for it…”
My words died as I opened the door to River. He filled my doorway, still in his uniform and smelling like gasoline and cologne, his eyes raking me up and down.
“You’re not Beatriz.”
“I’m not staying,” he said.
“That’s…disappointing.”
He stepped closer, his eyes never leaving mine. “I never thanked you for the book.”
“That’s why you’re here? To—”
River surged forward and kissed the rest of the words off my lips. Drank them down along with my breath and my moan of surprise. His mouth took mine with possessive need that left me sagging against him.
For a few delirious moments, I drowned in River: his scent, his skin, and the taste of him—clean and minty—in my mouth.
I came to my senses enough to haul him inside, my hands making fists in his shirt.
He kicked the door shut, and I pushed him against it, kissing him back, my tongue infiltrating, sucking, tasting every corner, because now that I had him back, I couldn’t get enough of him.
River groaned and ground his hips against mine, his tongue sliding over the roof of my mouth.
“Fuck, I missed you,” he growled.
My body went loose and watery at the raw emotion that surged between his kisses.
“I missed you too.” The words breathed out of me with no bullshit, no snark. Just the truth. I missed the strong solidity of him in my life that often felt so cracked and broken.
River turned us so that it was my back against the door, and then he was stripping me out of my shirt. His hands roamed my chest with brazen audacity. One hand slid down to my erection that strained against my pants and rubbed me over the material.
“Can I?” he asked between our raw, biting kisses.
I nodded, heart pounding. “By all means…”
His hand slipped beneath the waistband. Warm, rough skin slid over me and then tightened in a hard squeeze. My head fell back against the door as the blood pulsed in my cock, swelling and filling River’s hand.
“I want to give you more than this,” River said, his eyes soft and dark on mine while he stroked me with agonizing slowness. “Okay?”
I nodded, my heart breaking that he wanted me to have his firsts. Every nerve ending was raw and awake, wanting his touch that was new to me too. Everything River did and said was a revelation of reverence and consideration.
He sucked my lower lip and then pressed a deep kiss over my mouth before dropping to his knees.
“Oh fuck,” I whimpered as his mouth began a slow journey down my naked torso, leaving hot, wet licks on my skin. “And you’re still in your mechanic uniform. This is how every fantasy starts. Or maybe porn…”
“Stop talking,” River ordered and bit my stomach, causing my hips to buck.
In the next moment, I lost my ability to talk, to think, to breathe as River, with deliberate slowness, took me into his mouth for the first time.
My head fell back, my mouth open, sucking at air as his tongue tasted and licked the length of me.
He took me deep, then released, over and over, stroking me with one hand, adding layers of sensation on top of sensation.
The world receded until there was nothing left but my cock in his wet, hot mouth and the hungry sounds he made deep in his chest as he took me.
“This is to say thanks for a book?” I managed as his tongue licked and swirled. “What happens if I buy you an entire bookstore?”
River’s answer was to take me harder until I clutched at the door, at his shoulders, needing to anchor myself to the earth. I found a handful of his thick, dark hair and held on while he brought me closer and closer to the brink. The heat of his mouth warmed every part of me.
“Ah God,” I groaned. “River… I’m going to come.”
His hand squeezed tighter, and he drew me into his mouth deeper, guiding my release to the back of his throat where he swallowed. The sensation on my tip lit a fuse that burned immediately down the length of me, igniting my release in a white-hot explosion. Starbursts flashed behind my closed lids.
“Jesus Christ…” I breathed, but River didn’t stop. He took everything with slow, deliberate sweeps of his tongue and long, deep sucks until I was completely drained.
I slumped against the wall, hardly able to stand, while River put me back in my pants and got to his feet. He grinned a little at my dazed expression, his teeth grazing his lower lip.
“Was it…okay?” he asked, though the cocky bastard already knew the answer.
A thousand lewd jokes rose up in response, but I only nodded and pulled him to me. Kissed him slowly, tasting him and myself. The mixture of both of us on his tongue was more potent than any shot of vodka.
He smiled against my lips. “Careful. That wasn’t very casual.”
“That ship has sailed,” I said, searching for signs of regret or shame. “Do we need to talk about what just happened?”
“Nope.”
“Okay. Just checking in since you’re new to this. At least I think you are. Hard to tell.”
“I just did what I thought you’d like,” River said. “But look at you, being considerate.”
“It happens.”
“I know it does. More often than you think.” He smiled softly, almost shyly. Happiness exuded from every facet of his beautiful face. “I have to go. My mom got some good news from the doctor the other day. I told her I’d be home for dinner.”
I nodded, and the enormity of River in that moment overwhelmed me. His innate goodness, his bravery, his ungodly sexiness…all of him coming together.
And he’s mine. For a little while.
“Go,” I said, hauling myself off the door, though I wouldn’t have been surprised if my flesh had melted to the wood. “Enjoy.”
River started to leave, then took me by the nape and pulled me to him for a final kiss. A deep, delving kiss that left no part of my mouth untouched. Then he released me and stepped out into the night.
I shut the door, feeling drunk. The best kind of drunk. River infused me in every pore, his kiss leaving me stupid with happy euphoria.
Leaving me with a piece of himself so that I wasn’t alone.