Chapter 20 River #2
I waited for the disappointment to hit me that I wasn’t king. It never did. Not even a twinge.
“Well, that’s something,” I said, laughing, another piece of my fake life rotting off and falling away. “Did you know that was going to happen?”
Violet shook her head, looking a little dazed. “I had no idea.”
Evelyn announced that Miller wasn’t there because he was in LA being signed by Gold Line Records, and Violet’s face paled further.
“Guess I’ll be playing your king’s own jams at the next party,” the DJ boomed into his mic. “Give it up for your king and queen, Miller Stratton and Evelyn Gonzalez!”
The crowd cheered louder, and Evelyn soaked it in. Violet looked ill.
“You okay?” I asked.
“Fine.” She managed a small smile. “It’s just been a crazy couple of days.”
“Yeah, no kidding. But for real, you look like you need some air. Or maybe a drink?”
“Water would be great.”
“On it.”
I rose to my feet, and my gaze snagged on a tall figure in black and a flash of silver.
Holden leaned against a wall in his own version of formal wear—black pants, black shirt, and a long coat that nearly brushed the ground.
His silvery hair was a disheveled mess, and he peered around with bleary, red-rimmed eyes.
My heart tried to climb out of my throat, the elation and relief expanding until I could hardly breathe.
Because I love him. Holy shit, I’m in love with him.
The truth was bright and vivid in my heart, no layers of lies or bullshit to cover it up.
I was in love with him, and for a crazy moment, I had a vision of me going to him, taking him by the hand, and leading him to the dance floor.
Letting the whole world see and proving to Holden that he deserved to be loved in broad daylight, not in secret rooms or hidden away in his guesthouse.
But he was drunk and sipping from his flask; I hadn’t seen it in his hand in months. His gaze wandered until he found me.
“Hi,” I mouthed from across the room.
He answered with a strange smile that sent a sliver of fear down my back. The same kind of wild smile I’d seen him wear at Chance’s party all those months ago when he dared Frankie Dowd to stab him in the heart.
His eyes still on me, he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and suddenly hurled the steel flask at the nearest drink table.
It struck a row of sparkling cider bottles, shattering one.
Shocked cries rang out as teachers and students looked around for the source.
Holden shoved open a side door and was gone.
Violet’s hand touched mine. “River?”
“I told him I was going to Alabama,” I said, pain ripping through me. “And that he couldn’t come with me.”
I stabbed him in the heart. Every day I hid us, another stab…
“Go,” Violet said.
I blinked and stared down at her. “What? No…”
“Go to him.”
“That’ll make me two for two in ditching you at a dance.”
She smiled. “Strike three and you’re out.”
“Violet…”
“I don’t feel so well anyway. I’m going to go.”
I felt like I was tearing down the middle. “Will you be okay? No, fuck that. I can’t leave you.”
“I’ll be fine. Go.” Violet squeezed my hand, calming me. “Don’t lose him, River.”
“I think it’s too late,” I said, Holden’s heartbroken face floating across my vision. “But thank you.”
I kissed her on the cheek and strode for the door. Then I ran.
Outside in the parking lot, I searched frantically in the falling light. Tires squealed, and I looked to see a black sedan—James’s sedan—tearing down Country Club Drive. It fishtailed slightly and then sped like a bullet down the darkened road. Holden was behind the wheel.
“Shit, God, no…”
My pulse thundered, fear and adrenaline coursing through me like fire as I raced toward my truck. I threw it in gear and tore out of the parking lot. On the drive, I hit the gas, desperate to keep up.
The sedan wove unsteadily on empty roads, thank God. Holden took the road that curved west along the coast, away from Santa Cruz. I chased him down the deserted highway, the ocean crashing out the window on my left.
I flashed my brights at him, but he didn’t slow, and my pulse was a pounding beat in my chest as he sped faster.
The scenery in the dark around us gave way to farmland, and I wondered just how far Holden was going to go. But with another squeal of tires, the sedan took a hairpin left, rear wheels skidding, then righting itself again, tearing down a side road that led to the ocean.
“Fuck,” I swore as I overshot the turn. I hit the brakes and swung my truck back the way we’d come. I slowed down, feeling seconds slip out from under me, searching in the lightless dark for the same turn Holden had taken.
I found it—a small, winding road—and took it as fast as I dared. But there was nowhere to go except straight into the sea.
No fucking way…
Fear choked me, and I forced myself to calm down. The road ended in a small dirt clearing. The sedan was parked askew, as if Holden had skidded into the spot. The door was open, lights on, engine still running. Holden was a black shape with silvery hair, striding unevenly toward the water.
“Oh shit.”
I parked the truck and raced after him, my dress shoes clapping on asphalt and then sinking into sand. Twenty yards ahead of me, Holden was stripping out of his black coat, leaving it to flap darkly on the deserted beach.
I screamed his name under the sound of the crashing ocean and the wind that whipped the black water into sprays of white foam.
Holden didn’t stop but took long strides into the water. Waves crashed against him, wetting his clothes to the waist. He was soaked up to his chest when I hit the shore. I sucked in a breath and bit out a curse as the cold bit me with sharp teeth.
He stopped, letting the waves buffet him, and stood very still…then dropped into the water as if his legs had given out.
“Holden!” I screamed, struggling through the waves that lapped at my thighs and the sand that pulled at my shoes.
For a few horrifying seconds, I thought I’d lost him.
I couldn’t reach him. The tide pushed at me, keeping me from him.
Then he came back up and stood still and calm but for the shivers that racked his body.
I closed the distance between us, reached out, and gripped his shoulder to turn him to face me.
“Holden…” I said brokenly. “What are you doing?”
“What they told us to do,” he said. His face was pale, a horrible, sad smile on his lips that were blue and trembling. “When you have unwanted thoughts and feelings, you go into the water.”
A strangled cry broke loose in my chest, and I pulled him to me, wrapping my arms around him. His arms hung by his sides, and he sagged against me. Tears burned hotly down my cheeks to the cold skin of his neck.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry.”
Holden shook his head against my shoulder. “Nothing to be sorry for. It’s what I do. It’s all I know how to do.”
I pulled back and gripped him around the neck and jaw with both hands. “Listen to me. I’m going to tell them. My dad and…everyone. I’m not going to Alabama. I’m not going to play football.” I swallowed. “I’m not leaving you. I don’t want to leave you. I can’t.”
Holden’s face crumpled, and he shook his head. “No. Don’t say that. Please…don’t.”
“I’m saying it,” I said, shouting over the ocean to be heard. To make him hear me and believe. “I should have said it a long time ago.”
“River, you don’t want this. I’m a fucking mess. I—”
“Who isn’t? Some people just hide it better.
I’ve been hiding my whole life.” I gripped him tighter, holding his face in my hands.
“You’re strong. You survived something terrible, but you’re still here.
” My voice cracked. “You’re fucking brave, Holden.
You are yourself, always. I wish I were half as brave as you.
But I’m going to try. Please let me try. ”
Holden shook his head, his tears spilling over his cheeks and down to my fingers. “Don’t give everything up. Not for me.”
“I’m giving it up for me. I can’t live like this anymore. And I’m giving it up for you too.” I smiled through my tears. “You’re a pain in the ass, you know that? But it turns out I can’t fucking live without you.”
Holden stared. The hope struggling to take root in his eyes broke my heart. His hands came up, clutching my arms weakly, as if afraid to hold on too tightly.
“Is this real?” he asked.
I nodded, pressing my forehead to his. “It’s real,” I said, our lips brushing with each word. “Finally, I know what’s real.” I inhaled sharply against the swell of emotion rising in me. “I love you, Holden. That’s real. It’s the most fucking real thing I’ll ever know.”