Chapter 52 Hi, Mama
CHAPTER 52: HI, MAMA
JACE
I pull through the gates and follow the paved drive over to where we laid my mom to rest. Her grave is situated under a large oak tree. My grandparents are buried to her left and to her right is the plot of land my dad bought for himself. It’s a harsh reminder of why I need to get this job at the center and I hate it. The thought of one day losing him, like I lost her, makes a knot form in the pit of my stomach. I park the Jeep and look over at Lacey. She’s sitting staring out the window holding the large bouquet of sunflowers we bought on the way.
I kill the ignition and she turns to look at me. “You ready?”
“I don’t know,” I answer honestly. I’m not sure what I’m doing here. I don’t know what to do. It feels like it’s been too long and the guilt of never coming before consumes every part of me. Being back on the street where I grew up made me miss her and so I thought maybe it was time to rip the Band-Aid off.
“What are you unsure about?” she asks, taking my hand in hers. Her thumb draws soft circles on the back of my hand, calming me.
“I feel guilty about never coming before. I don’t know how to do this.” She offers me a soft smile.
“We will do whatever feels right. If you want to talk to her you can, or if you want to sit in silence we can do that too.” She squeezes my hand tightly. “I’m right here and will be the whole time unless you tell me otherwise.”
I consider her words and nod my head. Tears prick the back of my eyes and I try to swallow the pain down.
“You ready?” she asks.
We both climb down from the Jeep and she walks around the front, handing me the flowers and taking my other hand in hers. We walk across the grass toward the headstone engraved with the name Anne Jackson.
“Hey, Annie, I brought someone to see you,” Lacey says, reaching down to remove some old flowers from her grave. My eyes fill with tears at her words, and I wipe them away as they fall down my face. Lacey walks back to my Jeep and puts the old flowers in the back so we can dispose of them later.
She returns, takes a seat in front of the small plot, and pats the ground, encouraging me to join her. Taking a step forward, I lay the sunflowers at the base of my mom’s headstone. “Hi, Mama.” It comes out in a whisper as I brush my hand across the top of the rough stone, close my eyes, and try to calm the tears that continue to fall.
I sit down next to Lacey on the manicured grass. She grabs my hand again and lays her head on my shoulder. We sit there for a long while, neither of us speaking. The sun is warm on my back and there’s a slight breeze. A few cars pass by with other people going to visit their lost loved ones. A squirrel hops across the lawn and the air fills with the sounds of chirping birds from the tree above.
Lacey breaks our silence. “What’s on your mind, J?”
I take a deep breath. “There is so much I wish I could tell her, but I feel ridiculous saying them to a rock and not her.”
“Why don’t you try telling me then?” She nuzzles into me and I instantly feel a little calmer. A little more comfortable with continuing to speak.
“I wish so badly we could have wandered over to the old house today after lunch with your parents. I wish I could have walked in and found her in the kitchen baking something and Dad watching TV.”
She lifts her head off my shoulder and her green eyes find mine. “I wish we could have too. What else?”
“I feel so guilty this is the first time I’ve been here since she died. I feel like a coward that I was always too scared to feel the feelings associated with coming here. I feel like the world’s worst son never taking my dad up on it.”
“You aren’t the world’s worst son,” a deep voice says. I turn to see my dad walking up behind us. A large bouquet of flowers in his hand and his eyes already a little glossy.
“Dad?” I stand quickly, brushing off the back of my shorts. I glance down at Lacey and then back over to him, wondering if she’s the reason he’s here. “How’d you know I’d be here?”
“I didn’t,” he says. “I come every Saturday to make sure she has fresh flowers.”
Lacey stands. “Hi, Mr. Jackson.”
“Hey, sweetheart.” He walks over and wraps her in a hug. “It’s so good to see you.”
“You too.”
“So, how’s my girl?” he asks, looking toward the headstone and placing his flowers next to mine.
I look over at Lacey and she’s studying my dad and I. “I think I’m going to give you two a minute. I’ll be over by the Jeep, if you need me.”
I watch as she walks away.
“I’m glad you’re here, kid,” my dad says.
“Me too.” A sob breaks free. The tears begin to fall and I can’t stop them. There’s no use. “I’m so sorry, Dad.”
He wraps me in a hug and holds me while I cry, like he did when I was a kid. “You don’t need to apologize,” he assures me.
“But I do.” I take a step back. “You’ve asked me to come here with you so many times and I never did. I’ve been so absent despite having the apartment. You were right at the hike. I’ve been running. Running from losing Lacey and then when we lost Mom, I ran from that too. I don’t know how to do this. How to be vulnerable. How to feel these feelings.”
“You’re doing it now though and that’s what matters,” he assures me. He takes a seat in the grass. “Sit with me?”
I sit down next to him and he pats me on the back. “You know, after she died, I came up here every day for the first year. The pain of losing her was overwhelming and coming here and talking to her put me at ease. Sometimes I would sit here and cry. Beg her to come back to me. Other days, I would tell her about you. She would have been so proud of you, Jace.”
I let his words settle. My heart clenches. “I miss her so much. After my trip to Vancouver, I actually dialed her number, wanting so bad to tell her about the family of wolves we had photographed. It rang a couple times before I realized she wouldn’t be picking up. She couldn’t. She was gone.”
“I saved a couple voicemails, and on the hard days it helps to listen to them. What made you want to come today?” he asks.
“Lacey.”
“It’s good to see y’all are friends again.”
“We’re more than that. We’re giving it another shot.”
“Mom would’ve loved to hear that.”
“I think so too.”
“You know, on your mom’s first birthday after she died, I came up here expecting to be alone, but I wasn’t. When I got here, Lacey was here.”
I turn and look behind me. She is leaning against my Jeep, her blonde hair blowing in the slight breeze. She seems lost in her thoughts, and for a second, I wonder what’s on her mind. “She mentioned she had come before.”
“She was singing your mom “Happy Birthday” and had brought cupcakes,” he chuckles again. I laugh at the thought of my girl throwing my mom a birthday party.
“Lacey,” I call, gesturing for her to come over.
“What are you two laughing about?” she asks, walking toward us.
“I was telling Jace about the birthday party you threw Annie here.” My dad’s face breaks out in a wide grin and hers turns a deep shade of pink.
“You’re amazing,” I say as she sits down next to me. I grab her hand and bring it to my mouth, planting a kiss on the back of it.
“Annie was special and she deserved to be celebrated.” She smiles.
I see a flash of red in my periphery, and when I look up, a cardinal is perched on the top of the headstone. I smile. “You know, some people say cardinals are lost loved ones visiting us,” I say, pointing to the bird.
“They definitely are.” Lacey smiles.
The three of us sit there for the next hour, sharing stories about my mom. With every memory shared, I feel my shoulders relax and a little more at peace.
“Alright, you two, I’m gonna head out,” my dad says, standing. “Lacey, please tell your parents I said hello. It’s always so good to see you, sweetheart.” We stand to meet him, and he hugs us both.
“Jace, I’m so proud of you, Son. I know today was hard for you. If you ever need to talk, you know I’m here for you.” His words hit me straight in the heart.
“I love you, honey,” he says looking back towards the stone. The cardinal is still perched there and I smile at the thought that it could be my mom.
I wrap my arm around Lacey’s shoulders and pull her tight into my side. “Thank you for coming with me,” I say.
“Always, J. You don’t have to do this stuff alone.” I lean down and press a kiss to the top of her head. I check my watch and realize it’s beginning to get late.
“You ready to head home? I know you have the girls coming over.”
“I could cancel. I know it’s been an emotional day,” she offers.
“No, I could use some time to myself to process it all. You hang with the girls and we can do something tomorrow.”
Her mouth falls a little, but she nods her head. “Okay.” We both say our goodbyes to my mom and for the first time in five years, I feel a little lighter. Hand in hand, we head back to my Jeep and I drive her home.