Chapter 16
Chapter Sixteen
But she proceeded with a new perspective.
During her near-death experience, God could have judged her right there on the spot, and if she was ever allowed into heaven, she might still face that.
But he’d said nothing about her complete lack of compassion or her limited service to others.
Instead, he’d wrapped her in love and let her choose her fate.
Yesterday, when she’d taken a walk with Lucas, she’d felt his kindness, and his presence alone made her feel that same kind of love. So as she logged on, Ava channeled that feeling and approached her job in a whole new way.
The first thing she did was send Scott Strobel an email of congratulations and let him know that she planned to come back to New York next weekend, and return to the office on the Monday.
At one time, she’d have been hard pressed to formulate even a single phrase of well wishes to the man whom, for so long, had felt like the enemy.
He’d been the one in the way of her dreams. But now, without the weight of competition, Ava felt the need to unite under a common goal and to do her best to fulfill her duties so she could find ways to create the dynamic atmosphere she had been hoping to build as partner.
The buzz of the city would be nice. Eventually, she’d have to get back to life as usual.
While she sipped her morning coffee, she scrolled through her emails, answering a few from people who’d sent her notes of concern after her accident. She opened one from Rachel Bronson that included a paragraph about how worried she’d been.
… They said your car was unrecognizable. It’s a wonder anyone lived at all.
Ava replied, thanking her for calling 911. She then filled in Rachel on how well she was recovering, and told her she’d be back next week.
Ava wasn’t quite sure how she was going to tell her mother yet. She didn’t like the idea of leaving her mom alone again. She couldn’t stay at the lake forever. She was healing surprisingly well, so there was no need to prolong her return to New York.
It really was miraculous how quickly she’d improved.
Miraculous.
Why had she been given a choice to come back in the first place?
Was there something else she needed to learn, more work she had to do?
The voice had been so strong at the beginning of her ordeal, but Ava hadn’t received a thing since that moment when she’d heard she wasn’t finished.
Was the voice quiet because she was on the right path?
Or because she’d held up her end of the bargain? What had she finished?
The problem was that she’d chosen to live to get back to her work, but now nothing was the same. She still wasn’t entirely sure what her dreams were anymore. The trajectory of her future wasn’t laid out before her now.
In college, she’d filled every free minute with internships and extracurricular training; she attended conferences, and passed out business cards with her skills and assets.
She made cold calls and asked prospective employers to have coffee or spare a few minutes to meet on the sidewalk, if that was what it took.
Before she’d even left college, she’d had a string of interviews set up.
She’d graduated on a Friday and walked into McGregor Creative the next Monday.
She’d meticulously laid out her steps. But after everything that had happened, she was in unchartered territory.
Now, Ava would choose spending the morning with Lucas in a little white church in the middle of nowhere over checking her emails.
What had happened to the all-powerful Ava St. John who’d do anything to achieve her goals?
That Ava felt like a distant memory, and she found herself scrambling to grab hold of that version of her because without it, she wasn’t sure who she was.
She couldn’t lose this job. Competition was fierce in her line of work, and positions like hers were few and far-between for someone her age.
A ping alerted her to Scott Strobel’s response. She opened it. Scott thanked her and told her he planned to restructure the department, and she’d work directly under him as his “right-hand person.” He said he looked forward to her “fresh perspective.” Did he?
She opened the attachment in his email that outlined the new structure and philosophies for what he wanted from various teams. His approach was decent, but not out of the ordinary.
The old Ava would’ve even ventured to call his suggestion boring.
Her vision would’ve knocked their socks off.
But maybe McGregor didn’t need that much change. Were her ideas too aggressive?
She sent a message back, thanking him, and then stared at the computer screen.
Would she be a success working under Scott Strobel?
Would his more traditional viewpoint end up turning her off?
In the everything-happens-for-a-reason scenario, Ava was baffled as to the purpose of the accident.
It had disrupted everything she’d worked for.
Did God have some big plan for her life, or was she supposed to flounder around, trying to figure out what was meant for her?
She had to be able to thrive under Scott, but their styles were very different.
If she wasn’t inspired, with nowhere to go but her current position, would she lose steam?
She opened up the search engine on her mom’s laptop and typed: What job should I do with marketing experience when I don’t know what I want?
A few career quizzes came up, along with articles containing lists of tasks. She scrolled through them, butnone of the options hit the mark: update your resume, take courses, build your portfolio …
She clicked off the screen and closed the laptop.
What had gotten her into marketing in the first place? It was her love of numbers and how she got to build creative elements that made people feel things. She loved the thrill of assigning a scale to how well she could make a person emote with her ad copy. But what was the underlying motivation?
She didn’t want to admit it, but she knew what it probably was: control. Ava had a deep-seated need for control. And right now, she’d lost it.
She opened the laptop again and searched: Why do people need to be in control?
She scrolled through the answers. Controlling upbringing?
That wasn’t her. A need to feel better than someone else?
That wasn’t it either. The third reason, however, stopped her: traumatic past experiences.
She’d latched on to this need to be a success when her dad died.
It was as if, without him to support her, she’d gone into overdrive.
Had she been given a second chance to manage her unresolved feelings over her dad?
Suddenly, like a ton of bricks, it hit her: That was why she hadn’t seen him—because she’d never have chosen to come back if he’d been there.
She’d have left it all behind and stayed with him, but maybe she needed to find out who she really was without him.
Also, her mom would have lost both the people she loved.
And Ava wouldn’t have ever spent time with her mother the way she had in the last few weeks.
She’d missed out on so many opportunities over the years to be close to her mom. Now, it was as if her dad had stepped out of the way so she and her mom could be together, uninterrupted.
A tear slid down her cheek. It was true she missed her dad incredibly.
But now Ava understood that she was meant to be here—if only for her mother.
But was there more? What about Ava? She had to get home to New York and figure it out.
That city had built her, and she had to believe it would do it again.
She closed the laptop once more and went into the kitchen. Her mother was awake.
“Good morning,” Martha said, tightening the belt of her bathrobe. “It’s cold, but it’s supposed to warm up.”
“I haven’t been outside yet,” Ava said. “I was in your office, sending a few emails.”
Her mother poured herself a glass of orange juice. “Want to come to the porch with me?”
“Sure.”
They went out front and sat in the rocking chairs. The birds sang in the trees, and the wind that had arrived with the cooler weather tinkled the windchime hanging at the end of the porch.
Her mother yawned. “I’ve been so tired the last few days. I haven’t slept very well at all.”
“How come?”
“Having you home has made me miss your dad. It’s brought me to tears a few times.” She stared out at the tree line. “I toss and turn all night, going over our moments together, wishing he could see the things he’s missing.”
Ava knew her mom had been upset a few times. So that had been the reason.
“Dad could fix everything. He’d know just what to tell us both.”
Her mother nodded.
“Do you think he can see us from where he is?” Ava asked.
Her mother shrugged. “I have no idea. I look around for signs. But I never get a single thing. I’m met with silence.”
Ava rocked in her chair, scanning the trees, the sky, the edge of the property, looking for him. “I wonder if we can get closer to Dad in the chapel down the road. Maybe we’ll feel him.”
“Maybe.”
“Lucas and I are going to church today at ten. Wanna come?”
“You’re going to the one down the road?”
“Yep.”
“Whose idea was that?” her mother asked.
“Mine. I’m hoping I’ll be inspired by something today, and maybe I’ll figure out where to go from here.”
“You believe the little white church will give you your life’s plan?”
“That’s the hope.”
“I think your direction is up to you and God—you can find those answers anywhere.”
“Well, God told me to live out the rest of my life. If he wants me to do that, I need him to help me figure out how, so I’m heading over to his house to ask.”
Her mother offered a knowing smile.
“Want to go with us?”
Her mom sighed. “I think I’ll sit out by the lake instead. That’s been my church for years now.”