Chapter 9 Kaira
KAIRA
My mind was reeling, replaying Jacob's response on a loop. More than that, it was reeling because I still boarded the ferry, not asking the questions eating at my insides.
The ferry wobbled on violent waves as we stepped onto it, the croaking of the metal increasing the further away from the shore we got. So many words lodged themselves in my throat, aching to be released, to form the questions lingering in my mind.
But none came out. Better yet, none dared to come out because I feared the answers would make me run from here, and deep down I didn't want that.
Jacob told me to sit on one of the plastic chairs as he disappeared somewhere to the front, probably to start the ferry. The cold surface of the chair seeped through my pants, making me regret my choice in clothing.
But this type of cold didn't just exist on the surface of my skin.
It dragged through my bones, wrapping itself around every single muscle, digging deep inside my heart.
My nostrils flared as the scent of fuel penetrated through the forefront of my mind, erasing the smell of an ocean almost entirely.
But I was too dazed to notice the turning of the engine.
Too lost inside my own mind to pull myself up from the chair and find Jacob to ask the questions I had.
I blamed the fog surrounding us on my inability to say anything, but as my head lifted and I looked out at the open sea, I realized we were no longer on the shore, already traveling toward the island.
"This just keeps getting weirder and weirder," I mumbled, wrapping my arms around myself as the biting cold seeped through my coat, settling behind my ribs.
I had half a mind to go up to Jacob's cabin to ask him to clarify what he meant with those words, but something told me I would get nothing but more cryptic words. It felt as if every single person I had met in the past two days was incapable of giving me straight answers, which drove me insane.
What was so difficult about answering my questions properly?
First Christian, then Macy, and now Jacob.
It was as if every single person clamped their mouth shut when I mentioned my last name or the island or my mother, and I had no fucking idea why.
Was the truth so difficult to voice or were they all just enjoying fucking with my brain?
Perhaps I was overthinking it all, but overthinking or not, I couldn't shake off the feeling I was sailing into the storm, no pun intended.
Jacob mentioned an actual storm coming through later on today and as we sailed farther, the first drops of rain reached my face, coming from the sides where the awning wasn't covering the seating area.
My eyes locked on the horizon, where the fog appeared thinner and where the first lightning bolt pierced through the darkness, illuminating the dark skies. It would seem the storm was closer than Jacob had initially thought and I just hoped it wouldn't catch us before we reached the island.
If we ever reach the island, that was.
This veil of secrecy and of weirdness kept following me since I entered Ashbourne, but it would seem a part of me didn't really want to understand everything.
If it had, I wouldn't be sitting here, trusting the man I had never seen before.
A man that hadn't asked me about my destination, leaving me with a cryptic answer.
He talked about this ferry as if it were a living thing, capable of making decisions like him and I were. I didn't know what to make of it. Not even a little bit.
"I just wanted to know more about my mom's past, dammit," I mumbled again, taking out my phone from my pocket. I wasn't surprised to see the lack of signal out here, but I was surprised to see the timing.
We've been sailing for almost an hour already, yet it felt as if mere minutes had passed since we departed from the mainland.
I must have been deeper inside my head when we left if I lost track of time so much.
The scarf I wore had proven to be pretty much useless against the biting wind swiveling around me, and I burrowed deeper into it, hoping it would provide a bit more heat at least.
The ferry wasn't built to have many people inside the cabin where the captain was, at least it didn't seem to be, looking at it from the outside.
A small window at the back of the cabin gave me a clear view of the back of Jacob's head, and I had a feeling there was no space there for me.
So I bit my lip and pulled my coat more over my legs, thankful I had decided to wear the boots instead of sneakers as was my initial plan.
The coffee I drank just before leaving the B&B sloshed inside my stomach, but it wasn't the sea sickness that was making me feel queasy.
It was the unknown I was going into. The churning in my gut worsened the farther we sailed.
No matter how many times I told myself I was doing the right thing, the anxiety didn't dissipate.
If anything, it only grew, clawing through my throat as I stared at the empty seat opposite of me, praying this entire trip wasn't a mistake.
I had often caught myself overthinking, doubting just because people told me things I thought were correct, or relevant to what I was doing.
I did that many times in my early career and while I learned how to let go of those thoughts, I felt them crippling me now, making me question more than once if this choice I made was something I needed to do or simply something I wanted to do, because I wanted to run away from my reality.
My therapist didn't need to be here to tell me I was still avoiding reality, because ever since I boarded the plane for Portland, I stopped thinking about that night almost a year ago.
I stopped thinking about my loneliness, and I stopped thinking about the hollowness swallowing me from the inside out. But one step at a time.
Breathe in and breathe out.
My teeth clamped down on my lower lip and I forced myself to look up as the first rays of sunshine broke through the clouds above, clearing the fog we've been traveling through.
Gone was the impending storm in the distance and as I rubbed my eyes, I thought I was seeing things again.
I must have been, because in the middle of the ocean, not too far from us, the shores of an island stood tall.
The cliffs were dark, black as night, and the closer we came the more I could see the beach spanning just underneath the cliffs, broken in places where the sea had decided to enter the island through the caves embedded into it. Black sand covered the entire area we passed.
The same type of black sand I kept seeing in my dreams.
The same fucking cliffs I kept falling off of.
"Holy shit," I whispered as I sat up, uncaring about the wind. Uncaring about the fact that if the ferry hit a higher wave, I might fall overboard.
My fingers wrapped around the fence placed around the deck of the ferry, gripping with a force I didn't know I had, ignoring the cold biting into my skin.
The sun suddenly disappeared, leaving us with the gray clouds covering the skies, turning almost black not too far from the island.
My heart hammered in my chest, slamming against my ribs with a punishing force as the boat slowed down and as Jacob started leading it toward the wooden pier attached to the island, where the cliffs went lower, as if they created a gate, an entrance to the island.
I was mesmerized by the mountaintops peeking through from the other side of the island and the coniferous trees lined on top of the cliffs, covered in frost. The cawing of crows reached me as we started approaching the wooden pier, and the closer we got the more my heart hammered.
Could this be it? My mom's island. The one that didn't exist on any of the maps. The one that haunted her so badly she buried it in ink.
The waves slammed against the ferry, forcing me to grip the railing harder as I almost lost my footing, but I didn't dare sit down.
I didn't dare look away from the black sand and the sea forcing its way into the visible caves from this side.
The part of me that had somehow died with my parents had awakened again, and instead of feeling scared, I felt alive.
I felt awake.
It was like… Like coming home.
My mom often spoke of places that might feel like home even though we had never set foot onto their soil and this island. Just looking at it, it felt like home. I had no idea if it was because my ancestors used to live here or because it made me feel closer to my mom and even my dad.
I was meant to be here, I could feel that deep in my heart. Deep in my soul, especially as all the anxiety I felt before had completely disappeared, leaving me filled with awe. Awe at the sight in front of me.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Jacob's voice came from behind me, and unlike the last time, I didn't jump. I slowly turned around, feeling myself smiling. That's when I also felt them, the tears rolling down my cheeks.
My trembling hand lifted, touching my cold cheek and the wetness that had appeared there. "I'm sorry," I croaked. "I don't know why I'm crying." But my soul knew maybe even before my mind could catch up.
This is what I was looking for, a thought came, followed by the calmness I shouldn't be feeling after a sleepless night and so many secrets surrounding me.
"It's okay," Jacob said, instead of mocking me. "Many feel the same way when they come back." This time I didn't question his weird choice of words. Instead I had accepted them, because it did feel like I was coming back. Like my soul knew this was everything I ever wanted.
All the worries, all the fears, all my grief, it ceased to exist as Jacob maneuvered the ferry toward the docks, exiting before me to tie the ropes. Even the cold that had bothered me while we sailed had stopped biting through my skin.