35. Chapter 35

Chapter 35

I sleep through most of the following twenty-four hours.

My nephrologist isn’t certain of what is going on with me, so they’re running some more tests. According to them, it could be something benign, or it could also be a sign of organ rejection. The worst part of it is I’m not even that worried. After everything that happened yesterday, it feels as if I’m numb and nothing else can shock me. Too many betrayals will do that to a person. I wouldn’t be surprised if my body was turning on me again, too.

The moments I’m not asleep, I stare at the wall, mind reeling. It’s a gift every time a nurse comes in to poke or prod me. The physical pain distracts me, if only for a few minutes. And then they leave, and I’m back to being alone with my thoughts in this cold hospital room I’ve spent way too much of my life in.

I never tried to put a face on my donor. When I got the call that I’d had a match a few months after Dad died, I felt infinitely grateful to the person who was giving me an organ, alive or dead, but it never occurred to me to try to find out who I’d received the kidney from, first because I literally couldn’t, but also because it didn’t matter. Sure, I asked myself some questions here and there, but I always thought the least I could do after they gave me the greatest gift was to leave them in their well-deserved anonymity. I didn’t want to know if it was a living donor, and even if I had known, I would’ve assumed it was a random match. Never would I have guessed that someone would’ve voluntarily gotten tested to see if they were a match, save for my father and my best friends, who’d all done it already.

The irony that Carter of all people was a match isn’t lost on me. The person who I thought saved me by marrying me had actually already saved my life once, for reasons I’m still not clear on, and then decided to keep me in the dark, also for reasons I cannot understand. I can’t think of a single good one.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

I twist in the direction of the door at the sound of Finn’s voice from the hallway, heart launching. I ended up texting him earlier today to let him know I was in the hospital, and when he asked if Carter was with me, I simply said that he wasn’t, and that he wouldn’t be in the future either.

I need to see Finn. He’s probably the only person who could make me feel better right now. I didn’t want to worry him with this initially, but then I thought that my kidney might be failing, and I couldn’t handle that news alone. I just couldn’t.

“I need to know she’s okay.”

My chest hollows at that rough voice, tears immediately springing to my eyes. Is it crazy that I miss him already, despite everything? That even after all I’ve learned, he’s the one I want beside me ?

Get a grip.

What is he even doing here? Hours have passed since I kicked him out of my room.

“You need to go,” Finn says, the door separating us dimming his voice.

“I’m not leaving until I know she’s okay.”

I bring my knees to my chest, wishing I wasn’t hearing this but also straining my ears so I don’t miss a word.

Finn’s voice gets lower as he says, “I told you what would happen if you hurt her.” I can almost imagine the scene, Finn in Carter’s face, the two men breathing hard.

“You can hit me. I deserve it. But I’m not leaving.” A couple of strained words ensue, but as hard as I try, I can’t hear them.

“She doesn’t want to fucking see you.” I didn’t tell Finn that, but I’m thankful he assumed so. I can’t see Carter. Not now.

“I know. I won’t force myself in. But I’m also not leaving my wife until I know she’s all right.”

I bite the inside of my cheek hard enough to draw blood.

“Your wife.” He snickers, then mutters a string of expletives I don’t all catch. Finally, he says, “Whatever.” A second later, the door to my room opens, and I only get a flash of the pain twisting Carter’s rugged features before Finn closes the door behind him.

“Lil. Shit. What happened?”

I don’t have the strength to say it out loud. It’s one thing to hear it, but another to explain the way I’ve been lied to. The way I don’t even know how to feel about this donation that both saved my life and in some way ruined the best thing I ever had .

Finn seems to understand this because he steps closer, and the second he takes me into his arms, I break down.

“Ms. DiLorenzo, I have good news.”

I jump in bed, straightening my scratchy hospital gown as Dr. Khan walks in a few hours later, his pristine white coat matching his perfect smile. The resident surgeon who operated on me two years ago obviously knows how good-looking he is, but everyone forgives him because he’s damn good at his job.

“Everything looks great,” he says.

“W-what?”

“All your labs look good.” He takes a seat at the edge of my bed. “We looked, but there’s no sign of rejection. That kidney isn’t going anywhere.”

The breath that fills my lungs feels like the first one I’ve taken in days.

“Your blood pressure was all over the place from your medication, so we adjusted that, and you were probably fighting some kind of viral infection that worsened everything, but I’m not worried about you.”

I should probably be crying right now, but I think I’ve used up all my tears for the next year. Instead of being ecstatic or overwhelmed with relief, the only thing I find to say is, “Can I go?”

“Go? Now? ”

I nod. “Thank you, Doctor, for everything, but if I just have a virus, I want to go home.” I sound depleted, even to my ears.

He looks down at his watch. “But it’s almost midnight.”

“Please?”

He must sense that I need this because he says, “All right. Let me go sign your discharge papers and get those IVs out, and then you’ll be all set.”

I thank him again, then dress back into the clothes I walked in with, although I’d almost rather stay in my hospital gown. The last time I wore those jeans, I was snuggled against Carter, feeling like he was my fortress in a hurricane. All those moments are tainted now. Which were real, and which were lies? Were they all lies? I almost can’t believe that, but my judgment clearly isn’t something I can rely on.

The moment a nurse comes in and removes my IV, I grab my things and leave the room.

And stop in my tracks the second I see Carter’s long body bent in an awkward seating position on the hallway floor, facing my door.

Immediately, he jumps to his feet, and I barely recognize him from how tired he looks. His hair is a mess, tangled locks falling over his forehead. Deep blue circles underline his eyes, and his hoodie is wrinkled and twisted around his body.

He opens his mouth, but no words come out, and he only stares at me as if wanting to make sure I’m truly there .

I swallow, hugging my bag closer to me. “I’m going home. Everything’s fine.” He looks distraught enough that I know some part of him does care, and I can give him that small mercy, at least.

It’s as if Carter’s entire being crumbles under my very eyes. His head drops between his shoulders, and he rakes his fingers through his hair as he lets out the longest, deepest sigh.

“You should go home too,” I say, fighting with everything in me to keep myself collected.

A muscle ticks in his cheek. “Which home?”

I want to have him come back with me. I want it so bad it physically hurts. But I’m also not a complete idiot. Asking him to come home would be burying my head in the sand.

“Yours.”

The back of his hand moves roughly against his mouth as he gazes left and right, looking like a lost man hoping to find answers somewhere.

I can’t stand here any longer. I hold my breath as I pass him.

“Can we at least talk before? Please?” His footsteps behind me are loud through the calm hospital hallway. “You need to know the full of it. You need to know I—”

“A little late for that, isn’t it?” I keep walking.

“I fucked up. I really did. But if you just let me—”

I jolt the second his fingers touch my hand, pulling away with a spin so I’m facing him. Nurses look up from where they’re writing notes in their station. We’re starting to make a scene, but it’s the least of my concerns. The only real problem in my life right now is the man standing three feet away, looking devastated and shredding my heart into a thousand pieces.

“I need space.” My hands have started trembling, so I tighten them at my sides, then squeeze my eyes shut. “Just looking at you hurts.”

He curses, then releases a shaky breath. “All right. I’ll give you space.” His shoes squeak against the linoleum floors as he takes one step back, then another. “But the second you feel ready to talk about this, I’m right here.”

I keep my eyes closed. It feels silly, but it’s the only protection I have against him right now. The only thing that keeps me from unraveling. My emotions are a boiling tin can threatening to explode. Anger and pain swallow me from all sides, toward Carter who betrayed me, and toward my father’s lies, and toward my mother who left, and toward the life that just can’t give me a fucking break.

I don’t move, and eventually, he starts moving. His scent fills me before his body heat, like an aura, beckons me to come closer. His breath is warm against my cheek as he says, “But just so you know, it was real. All of it.”

When I open my eyes, he’s gone, and I don’t feel even slightly better.

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