37. Chapter 37
Chapter 37
I don’t know if I’m making a mistake.
My body sure feels like it. As I stand in front of Carter’s apartment, I can’t help the nausea threatening to make me barf at even the thought of what I’m about to do. But I have to push through it. I’m tired of hurting.
Another week has passed, and even though Nana told me to call him and give him a chance to explain himself, I haven’t been able to. He texted, offered to talk, to come to me, but I couldn’t agree. Every time, it felt like a kick to the face, mostly because I wanted to sweep everything under the rug and just forget. Go back to the way things were. But that would mean returning to a time when I was blind to all that had been hidden from me, and I can’t do that, even if I wanted to. However, I also can’t stay in this limbo, where every glimpse of the life I had a few weeks ago almost brings me to my knees. I just can’t.
So this morning, I used all the courage I had left in me and texted him, asking if I could come by this afternoon. He answered not a minute later.
Carter: Yes, please .
And so here I am, shaking like a leaf as I stare at the door, wondering yet again how we’ve come to this.
I lift a hand to knock, but before I can, the door opens, showing me a flustered Carter that sends my heart spiraling out of my chest. The scent of his cologne, of his skin, of him, hits me at the same time I notice his long-sleeved checkered shirt and combed hair, and mist clouds my eyes.
Those damn tears need to stop.
“Hi,” he says, voice breathy. His hyper-aware gaze scans me from head to toe, then shifts back to my face, where we collide in a silent exchange that, in a second, makes me rethink my decision. I look away first.
“Come in,” he says, almost tripping over his own feet as he moves to give me space to step inside. I don’t look around. I don’t want to see pieces of him that’ll make this even harder. I’m too weak for this, and I know it won’t take much for me to break and run into his arms, just so I can feel his warmth once more.
He lied to you for the entirety of your relationship. I need to repeat that sentence again and again in my head as Carter leads me to the living room, where he points at the seat next to his on the couch. I sit on the coffee table facing him instead and pretend not to notice the homemade cookies that have been set on the table.
“Thanks for agreeing to this,” I say, hands in my lap.
“Don’t,” he says, scooting closer so his knees almost bump with mine. “This isn’t some formal thing. It’s just me.”
Which is precisely the problem here. I need to be formal because if I’m not, emotions will tangle my thoughts, and I won’t go through with my plan.
I don’t even acknowledge his request. My voice is shaky as I say, “I’ve thought long about it, and I think this is the best decision for us moving forward.” I zip my parka down and reach for the inner pocket.
“Lili, what…”
His words die in his mouth when I hand him the folded stack of papers. Even his body freezes as he stares at the documents, not opening them. “W-what is this?”
I swallow one time. Another. “Divorce papers.”
His gaze lifts from the documents to me, and for all the uncertainty about him and his intentions, I know the pain in his expression can’t be faked.
I’m not faring that much better myself. The feeling in my chest makes me feel like I won’t survive this, but I know I have to push through. If I remain married to this man I fell for, I’ll only keep missing him, and the agony will be prolonged, endless. I’ll never stop thinking of the way he makes me feel, still now, like there isn’t enough room in this world to hold all the feelings I have for him. And then I’ll never get over him, and I need to get over him.
“No.” He shakes his head, dropping the papers beside him. “No, baby, don’t do this.” His hands reach for mine, and even though I move them away, he still grazes my skin, lighting me on fire. I clutch my hands into fists, wishing I could turn all my senses off so I wouldn’t smell him, wouldn’t feel him or hear the sound of his voice that made me feel safe so many times before.
“We both fulfilled our parts of the deal,” I trudge on, eyes closed. “It doesn’t matter if the end comes earlier than planned.”
“Yes, it fucking does!”
I flinch. He’s making this even harder than it already is. I’ve given him everything, and I’m emptied out. “The album got the recognition it deserved. The band’s now much bigger than I am.” My voice is level, but it cracks as I say, “What more do you want from me?”
He stands. “You! Goddammit, I want you.”
Apparently, I wasn’t all dried out because another tear succeeds in slipping away. I turn so I can wipe it away without him seeing.
When I turn back, he’s right there, on his knees, eyes level with mine. “Lilianne, honey, look at me. I know I should’ve been honest from the start. I know. But it didn’t feel like it was my truth to share when Frank had spent his entire life keeping it a secret, and—”
At the sound of my father’s name, I get up. “What about once we found the pamphlets?” The venom in my words is dried out by my bone-deep fatigue. “You couldn’t tell me then?”
“I tried.” He releases a heavy breath. “I swear I did, but you’d just learned this huge truth, and it felt cruel to drop another bomb on you.” He goes to reach for me but stops himself when he catches my flinch. I hate that I worry about the hurt in his eyes. “You were in shock, and even when I tried to explain, you wouldn’t hear it. And then the longer we went, the harder it got to get the truth out, and I didn’t know what I should say, and—”
“You gave me a fucking organ , Carter.”
“I know! I know I did. And I’m sorry for not telling you. It wasn’t right. But…” He drags a heavy hand through his mussed hair, breathing deeply. “But I knew telling you the truth would be the end, and I couldn’t handle losing you.” His eyes brim under the dim lights. “Not when I’d fallen for you.”
“Don’t say that.” I take a step back.
“Why? Didn’t you say you wanted the truth?”
I pull away, more and more, until my back is against the front door.
“Well, here it is. I never planned to fall for you. In fact, I tried my goddamn hardest not to the second I learned who you were. I hid, and I isolated, and I forced myself not to look at you or listen to your laugh. But, honey, you’re impossible not to love.”
I shake my head, another tear spilling as he walks closer, slowly, carefully. He’s ending me with each step, with each inhale.
“I can’t, Carter.” I’m not even sure what I’m saying no to at this point. I just know this has hurt too much, and I’ve borne too much pain in my life to voluntarily risk myself once more.
He pauses in his tracks, staring at me like I’m a wild animal, and I take the opportunity to do just what he fears.
I run.