Chapter Twenty-Two
Mikayla
I’m being silly. I haven’t even spoken to her. But the voicemails, the ongoing text messages… I feel off knowing that Caine spoke to her while I haven’t in months.
I look up at Caine’s worried face, knowing I have to talk about this, but I’m not exactly sure how. I don’t want to come across as dramatic or silly.
“Was it because I answered your phone?” he presses, his mouth set in a grim line as his hands clasp my shoulders. “I’m sorry about that; it was an accident.”
“Not really. I feel… just kind of weird, I guess, because I haven’t spoken to her.
And now that you have, I feel like I need to call her and get it all out.
” I am ineptly explaining how I feel, yet there are no words.
It’s not his fault. These feelings have been simmering for weeks.
“But at the same time, I don’t want to ruin our day. ”
I look up at him as he pulls me into his arms. How is it that I feel so comfortable being right here, so at peace, feeling the heat of his body against mine? It’s as though he knows what I need. And he gives it so willingly. It amazes me.
Yet, a part of my brain is screaming at me to not trust it, to remember what he said when we first met about not being boyfriend material. Yet, he told me he wanted to try with me. I don’t know what to believe.
“How about this?” Caine asks.
I stay silent as he grabs my hand and takes a few steps to the river or stream… I don’t even know what kind of body of water this is. We sit on a large boulder. My toes skim the surface.
“Call her… now. I don’t think you’re gonna feel better until you get whatever you’re feeling out of your system.”
I nod. He’s right. I’ve been known to let things fester. But it could get really ugly, and I don’t know what Caine will think of me if I yell at my mom in front of him.
I look down at my hands and consider my options.
I guess he might as well know what he’s getting into with me.
But once he does… I’ll need to figure out what the hell I’m gonna do about my car.
I need to contact the place Caine took it.
I’ll definitely need my car back if something happens and Caine wants me out.
The thought makes my chest tighten and my stomach churn.
I look over at him. I’m worried, scared actually. I don’t want him to end things. Yet I know it’s a real possibility. When he places his arm around my back and places his hand on my hip, I instantly curl into him. It’s crazy! It’s like I belong here, right here.
“Let’s call, eat some lunch, and then I’ll give you your first riding lesson,” he says. “I have the entire day planned. After we ride, we go home, shower and head out for a little road trip.”
Caine places a soft kiss on my temple, then lets go of me and stands. I take his offered hand, and we walk back to the blanket he laid out.
“Call.” He poins at my phone.
With a deep breath, I place the call and press speakerphone.
“Well, nice of you to call me back,” my mother snaps by way of greeting.
“If you want this call to go well, I’d recommend shutting down that attitude, or I’ll end this conversation before it starts.” My brows raise at Caine’s words directed at my mother. He jumps right in before I even open my mouth to speak.
He places a kiss on my cheek before grabbing a cracker and some cheese. Then he hands me my wine glass. I take a deep sip.
“Who the hell are you?” my mom huffs.
“I’m Caine, Mikayla’s boyfriend.”
“A new boyfriend? Well, you don’t waste any time.”
“Last warning,” Caine says angrily. He’s frowning, his eyes narrowed, looking at the screen, though she isn’t there.
“Mom, I don’t know what you want from me,” I say honestly. “Why are you even calling me?”
“Because I’m your mother. I’ve been worried sick not knowing where you’ve been. You run away like some spoiled teenager, all because your boyfriend cheats on you, like somehow, I’m to blame. Now I hear you have some random boyfriend you’ve met who sounds like a real winner,” she says sarcastically.
I look at Caine and quirk a brow.
“Mom, I think I have my answer,” I say quietly.
My face is as hot as fire! My eyes sting. If I don’t hang up now, I’m gonna lose it!
“Answer to what?” she barks into the phone.
“I’ll be blocking you from my phone and will be disconnecting from you entirely. I will not continue to be subjected to this.” Tears begin to fall. I look skyward and blink rapidly, trying to hold them back, but they won’t stop. The pressure in my chest is so strong I almost can’t breathe.
“You can’t seriously blame me for Cody!” she yells.
“You have to be the most selfish, self-centered gaslighter of all time. I could give two shits about Cody. You’re my mother.
You! You fucked my boyfriend, and if you say you did me a favor, I’ll laugh in your face.
You haven’t been my mother for four years.
You cheated on Dad as soon as he got sick and did nothing to help care for him.
You fucking Cody was just the last straw. I’m done!”
“Mikayla!” she yells. “I…”
Caine grabs the phone and hits the end button. I look at him, and when I meet his eyes, a loud sob rips out of my chest, and I just lose all control.
In a blink of an eye, I’m in his arms, crying like a crazy person. I cling to his shirt, my hands in fists as I let all of it out. The only sounds are the birds chirping and me bawling my eyes out.
My father.
He’s the face in my heart, and I can feel his disappointment like a heavy cloud over me. But I can’t do it! I can’t accept her the way he did. I can’t take what, in my view, is abuse!
The vitriol, the gaslighting, the lies. I just don’t have the energy for any of it. And I feel as though my father has died all over again!
Once the intensity of my emotions ebb, I really feel how close Caine is holding me, rocking me from side to side. I breathe him in.
“I’ll be okay,” I whisper.
I let his shirt go and wrap my arms around his middle.
“I’m sorry,” he says softly.
I’m overflowing with emotions, like Mount St. Helens erupting. It’s not a slow stream of lava coming out of me. It’s an explosion of ash ripping me apart. Logic.
Where in the hell was my head when I thought calling my mother was a good idea. I have absolutely no clue what he’s apologizing for and the irrational part of my brain that’s already on high alert starts flashing alarm bells in my head.
I nod my head and let him go, moving away from him.
It’s painful. I physically ache when I remove my body from his embrace, but I won’t beg someone to want me.
And the worst part of it is that I get why he wouldn’t want to be with someone like me.
I’m a disaster. My family is broken, just tatters of what it was before my father died.
My brother and I have barely started talking again, and who knows how he’ll react now that I have done this.
We could very well go back to the way we were before, and I’ll be even more alone. I’ll have nothing.
I don’t have a job, money, or anywhere to live. I’m leeching off my brother’s kindness. I’m homeless and broken. I have nothing to offer this man.
Caine is already established. He has a career. He easily stepped into the role of managing this ranch, training riders. He was a success before, and he will continue to be because he’s got it together. He has a solid family. I’m just a fucking succubus of a human.
I force myself to stand and nod my head again.
I don’t have anything left in me. There’s no fight.
There’s only acceptance. I can’t look at him.
I can barely breathe over the fist squeezing my throat.
If I see his face, the pity, the disgust, it will take the last shreds of my soul from me and that I will not give in to.
I’m not weak. I will rebuild. I will come out of this, even if it means being alone.
I turn away from him and walk toward the clearing. My head feels heavy, but I force one foot in front of the other. All remnants of my earlier hunger is gone. The grief takes hold of my body, stealing my joy. And now I feel empty. And now Caine… just the idea of food now… I can’t.
I’ll walk back to the house, get my shit, and call an Uber. Jack will help me. I know he will. He will, even if he hates me. At least I know that much.
“Mikayla!” Caine yells out, but I don’t stop moving.
I don’t need an explanation or excuses for why he doesn’t want me. I don’t have it in me to hear him tell me that it’s him, not me, when I know the truth.
“Goddammit, Mikayla!” he yells out.
I hear rustling from behind me. I don’t know how I know, but I just do. He’s on his feet, and he’s coming toward me.
No! I won’t let him pity me. I can’t hear anymore bullshit. No more!
I move my legs faster, my feet sinking into the soft earth. I realize then that I’m not wearing my shoes. But I can’t turn around now. I can’t let him see me. And I can’t look at him.
The crunch of leaves picks up from behind me and something in me shatters, and I just sprint! My legs flying, my arms swinging with everything in me as I bolt.
The grass is like a cushion beneath my feet. I don’t need my shoes. I don’t need anything or anyone! I can do this. I just run as fast as I can, the wind lifting my hair out of my face as my feet fly away.
“Mikayla!” Caine yells again, and I can hear him running behind me. His steps are louder, heavier.
I don’t know where the speed comes from, but I pick up my pace, sprinting as hard as I ever have. My vision blurs as my eyes fill, but I don’t stop! A sob chokes out of me, but still, I don’t stop! I’ll never stop! I won’t give in. I won’t stop!
I run! And run! And run until… my feet are no longer on the ground. Somehow, I really am flying in the air. I’m still moving forward. My brain is trying to understand how my feet are no longer on the ground yet I’m moving.
And then I feel them… strong arms holding me tightly around my middle, turning me against a hard chest.
“I’m not letting you go!” Caine yells, his breath heavy. “I’m not letting you go!”
“I’m a m-mess!” I burst out, my body shaking as more sobs rack my soul.
“You’re my mess,” he says gruffly.
In his arms, we collapse onto the ground. Like a spider monkey, I wrap my body around him, my arms, my legs, and I hold him tightly. Sob after sob erupts out of me, but I can’t stop crying.
Everyone I love has left me. My dad, my brother, Rock, and my mom. Gone!
“You s-said ‘I’m sorry!’” I sputter against his neck, tears clouding my vision.
“Because you’re sad. Jesus, Mikayla. What the fuck?! I’m not dumping you because your mother’s a bitch!” he yells, grabbing my face with both his hands. “What the fuck are you thinking?”
“I don’t know!” I yell back.
Didn’t I just say I’m a mess? I know I’m not being rational.
I can’t see him through my tears. My face is a million degrees, and now I’m sweating!
“I don’t know!” I repeat, but with less conviction.
“Well, I do.” He shakes my face. “I know,” he whispers. “Get ready, sweetheart, because this—you and me, it’s happening,” he states with conviction, lightly shaking my head with each word.
“Okay.”
And he smiles at me, his baby blues sparkling.
“Okay,” he whispers, his lips grazing mine. “You’re fast!” He chuckles softly.
“Shh,” I tell him softly, allowing myself the privilege of just feeling his lips against mine.
I crave the feel of him, gliding my face from side to side. He’s real. He’s here.
When his lips part, I sigh, my heart already feeling lighter. I kiss him, my tongue tangling with his. Back and forth. His arms tighten around me. My arms wrap around his neck. All we do is kiss while he pulls me close.
“I need you,” I whisper against his mouth.
And, God, it’s true! I need his presence, his touch, his comfort and compassion. It fills me with so much joy. And my heart finally feels lighter. In this moment, right here, I feel whole again.