Chapter Four #2
After a while, the conversation circled back to Callie’s work at the clinic, and how she was faring after Jamie O’Sullivan’s death and his father’s misplaced blame.
“I don’t think I’ll ever be fully over it, but I don’t know that I need to be,” Callie said thoughtfully.
“My mentor told me over and over to never let the wins go to our heads or the losses go to our heart, but we need to remember the lessons for all of them.”
“What did she mean by not letting losses go to your heart?” Ellie couldn’t imagine losing a patient and not feeling deeply for them.
“She essentially meant not to get too prideful about any outcome, but to recognize God was ultimately in control. We could do our very best and still lose a patient. If we allowed the losses to define us, it would paralyze us with indecision the next time we were faced with such a case. Of course, the losses will always break your heart, but they don’t have to define you as a person or as a physician. ”
“That’s so wise,” Louisa said softly.
“In my home growing up,” Ellie admitted as she picked at a loose thread on her dress.
“Accomplishements were the only measure of a man - or woman, I suppose. I guess it would be quite freeing to define yourself otherwise.” Mama had never done anything but made her feel loved as she was, but Ellie’s formative years had been spent without her influence.
It was hard, harder than she’d ever realized at the time as she watched the Sutton children play freely and use their imaginations.
Compassion clouded Louisa’s gaze. “How old were you when your mother passed away?”
“I was twelve. It was the worst time of my life.” With Mama, she’d at least felt like she had someone in the world who loved her. Once she’d passed, the only person left in the world she could turn to was Miss Lutken, and even then she was only there until she finished school.
“I’m so sorry,” Louisa breathed. “Did she fall ill?”
Swallowing, Ellie shook her head. “No, Grandfather told me she’d gone to one of the mines on business for him, and there’d been a terrible accident. She was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time.” She tried to keep the emotion from her voice, but she knew she didn’t manage very well.
Louisa simply gazed in sympathy and horror, but Callie narrowed her eyes. “You don’t believe him.” Of course, she’d picked up on Ellie’s skepticism. Callie saw everything.
“He never let her anywhere near his business, and he had couriers and others who worked for him to carry messages. I never believed him, but I didn’t have any recourse. After so many years, I have to find peace with never knowing.”
Callie and Louisa both approached her then, wrapping their arms around her in the same way Mama always had before she died.
“You might be the strongest woman I’ve ever known, Ellie Cartwright,” Callie said as she pulled back from their trio.
“The fact you’ve not let it all make you bitter and angry is a miracle. ”
“I guess the Lord was working in my heart long before I knew more than a few simple Bible stories,” Ellie replied. “As a child, I never really understood who I was praying to, but I always asked Him for friends like you two.”
Louisa wiped her cheek with an embroidered white handkerchief. “Now you have us, and you’ll not be getting rid of us.”
Micah stepped out of the livery where he’d been talking with Hal to find Isaac dismounting his horse.
“What are you doing here?” With him in town already due to taking the girls, Jacob at the clinic, and now Isaac - Abe was the only Sutton brother left at the ranch.
They had ranch hands to keep things going, and it was a slower time of year, but there were still miles of fence line to put up and unending chores to do. “Everything all right?”
“Cecily and Liza were experimenting with some baked goods for Christmas and didn’t realize how much flour and sugar they’d run through.
I know Louisa’s planning on tomorrow being a baking day, so I figured I’d come get her stocked up.
” Isaac shrugged, but Micah could hardly recognize the man who only months ago had only managed to crack a smile for his children.
It must be true what they say - the love of a good woman will crack even the toughest cowboys.
“I’m glad they’re having a good time.” There was a time Cecily had needed to take on such a caregiver role for the other children due to the brothers’ work on the ranch she’d missed out on the silliness of childhood.
Along with the difficulty she’d faced after her mother’s untimely death after she’d made it to the Sutton ranch or with her father leaving them high and dry, she deserved to get into a little mischief.
“I know,” Isaac said as he gazed off into the clearing in the distance.
“I thank the Lord everyday Louisa’s here to lighten their load, Cecily especially, and I’ll buy as much flour as I need to since she loves baking and cooking so much.
” It was true, Cecily had always enjoyed being in the kitchen, but baking had become her hobby now she had the time to pursue it.
Micah’s belt may be a little tighter, but he couldn’t complain about the result.
“Louisa’s been teaching her some of her mother’s recipes they sell at their general store, so she’s been practicing. ”
Louisa’s family were planning to come to town for Christmas and would arrive in a few days. Louisa was giddy with excitement, as she was as close to her family as the Suttons were to each other. “I’m glad you two have each other, and I’m glad she’s in the children's lives.”
Isaac studied him for a moment, his eyes darting down to the clinic and back again.
“You interested in something like that for yourself?” His expression held no judgement, maybe a little understandable caution.
“I know Ellie trusts you, but are you visiting her so often because you feel guilty or is there more to it?”
“Would you accept it if I said I wasn’t sure?
” He wasn’t. Initially, Micah’s desire to protect Ellie and visiting her so much had been rooted in the guilt he felt about leaving her in the woods rather than trying harder to convince her to come back with him, but now he didn’t know how he felt.
“The guilt is how it started,” he admitted.
Letting the rest hang in the air felt far more vulnerable than he was used to - the quiet cowboy who preferred the company of cattle to people.
Somehow, though, Ellie didn’t drain his energy the way everyone else did.
Her easy smile and gentle laugh despite all she’d been through was a little like the first spring sunshine on his face after a cold winter.
Isaac didn’t speak for a moment, and Micah had to admit his normal respect for his brother’s tendency to think before he spoke suddenly sent a swirling in his gut.
“I understand how that feels, and I don’t reckon any of us are all that familiar with it.
I guess the only thing to do is to ask the Lord to guide you and go as slow as you possibly can.
It’ll be a while before she’s ready for anything more than friendship if she ever gets there at all.
We don’t even know her long term plans.”
“She doesn’t either,” Micah agreed. The thought of her leaving made his insides even more twisted up, but there wasn’t anything he could do about it.
Isaac was right, and he’d cut his arm off before he broke the fragile trust she’d placed in him by doing something foolish.
“I’ll try and pray about it.” He smirked, remembering the time not so long ago when Isaac was convinced the Lord didn’t care about the happenings of their day to day lives.
“You reckon God’s listening to this one? ”
Isaac moved forward and wrapped an arm around his brother’s shoulders before turning him in the direction of the clinic. “Micah, let me tell you a story about a man named Moses…”