Chapter 26
Elizabeth
I frantically wipe the paint from my hands as my phone rings. Once they’re clean enough to not destroy it, I reach for it and see Donovan’s photo filling the screen, before answering and putting him straight on speaker phone.
“Hey,” I say, placing the phone on the top step of the ladder. “How are you doing?”
“Not too bad, you?”
“Not too bad.”
He chuckles down the phone. “How are you really doing?”
“Shit,” I laugh, “I feel like shit… you?”
“Same.”
I pick up the roller and continue to paint the wall I’d started.
“What’s that weird squelching noise?” he asks, and I can practically see the grossed-out expression on his face.
“I’m trying to distract myself by decorating Slim’s spare room.”
“Hmm, and how’s that working out for you? ”
“Oh great, I’m not at all thinking about how the man I fell in love with turned out to be a bigoted asshole, and that even though I know I should hate him, I can’t because I love him and I miss him so much it hurts… yeah, decorating is really helping.”
“Wow, you weren’t lying, you really have resorted to pure sarcasm to stop yourself from crying.”
“Yeah,” I say, “not sure it’s working though. Anyway, what are you up to?”
“Promise you won’t judge me if I tell you?”
“You know I won’t.”
He sighs. “I’m hiding under the bleachers watching the football practice.”
“Hmm, and how’s that working out for you?” I ask.
“Oh great,” he chuckles, “I’m not at all thinking about how my coming out fucked up both of our relationships with my brother, and then the icing on the cake is losing my own relationship too… Huh… you might be onto something with this sarcasm thing.”
“Donovan,” I say gently, my heart breaking for him all over again. “You can’t blame yourself for what happened with Angel and I. Knowing what I do now, it would never have worked out. Better that it’s ended now instead of further down the line.”
“But if I’d have never come out—”
“I’m glad you came out,” I interrupt, “I love you and I want the best for you. And the best is being able to live openly and loving who you want, and you know, fucking lots of hot guys.” I pause to enjoy the sound of him laughing; we both need this.
“I know it’s too soon, but one day, I want to hear all the dirty details of your hot gay sex. ”
He laughs some more. “Not yet, but one day, I promise. I reckon you’ll be proud of me. ”
“Ooh I will? How exciting! You know, I was so used to telling you stories about the guys I hooked up with at Platinum; it was weird not telling you about Angel…”
“Considering that he’s my brother, it would’ve been weird for me if you had. I’m not particularly thrilled about the idea of hearing what type of lay he is.”
“Hmm, true…” I pause, not sure if I want to tell him the next part or not, but I figure I need to talk to someone about it… “I went to Platinum a few days ago.”
“Yeah?” he asks.
“Mm-hmm.”
“And?”
“I met someone; we went back to his hotel, but I couldn’t do it. His driver ended up taking me back to Slim’s.”
My eyes water, and I pray the tears don’t fall, I’ve cried enough already.
“It does seem a bit soon,” he says, “why did you go in the first place?”
“I overheard Slim and Pretty Boy talking on the phone, they went to meet another club, and Angel… well… you know…”
I can’t bring myself to say it.
“He hooked up with someone else?” he asks.
“Yeah, it sounded like he had a threesome.”
Tears roll down my cheeks and I don’t even bother trying to stop them. I throw the roller in the paint tray and slide to the floor with my phone.
“Fucking asshole,” I hear Donovan mutter through the phone.
“It’s like, it was all I could picture in my head. I felt so angry, the last two months clearly meant nothing to him. I guess… I just wanted to prove it was the same for me. But it wasn’t… it isn’t. ”
“Shit, Beth. I’m so sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize,” I say, “I just… I love him, and I fucking miss him, but I hate that I miss him.”
“Beth,” he says softly, “I know we’re best friends, and we’ll always be best friends—you’re my family. But I don’t want you to miss out on him because of me.”
I sigh. “I already said it’s not because of you. Yes, I hate what he did to you; but even if you weren’t a factor, I can’t be with someone who has those views. I should have never let it get that far with him; I knew the club rule, and I shouldn’t have ignored it. And…”
“And what?”
“Nothing,” I say, not able to bring myself to admit the other reason I can’t be with him anymore, that’s still too painful to think about.
We both sit quietly, letting it all sink in; it’s actually reassuring in itself to hear his soft breathing down the phone.
“Do the rest of the club know about me?” he asks.
“I don’t think so, no one’s said anything about it to me anyway.”
“You think my brother is too ashamed of me to tell them, or is he trying to protect me?”
I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding.
“Honestly, I have no fucking clue what’s running through his head… maybe I never did.”
“I’m sure that’s not the case; you can’t just discard the last two mo—oh shit!”
“What?” I ask, worried something bad has happened to one of the football players.
“Nothing, I’m uh… I’m just getting another call through; can I call you over the weekend? ”
“Yeah—”
I barely answer before he’s hung up; I let my phone drop to the floor beside me and glance up at the half-painted wall.
“I guess it’s just you and me,” I mutter, picking up the roller, hoping that it works as a distraction this time.
Diablo
The fact that he even answered my call is a miracle in itself, but to also suggest that he catch the early morning train to come and see me in person, that was way beyond my expectations for sure.
This is something I need to say in person; I’d offered to go and see him at Winbrook, but I understand why he doesn’t want me there, especially not knowing what I have to say.
I’m waiting impatiently in Miguel’s living room; his train should have arrived by now and I know it doesn’t take long to get a taxi.
“Mijo,” Mom says, nodding at my leg which I only just notice is shaking up and down.
“Sorry, I’m nervous.”
“I know, but he’s your brother, he’ll understand.”
I love that she’s confident, but shit, I’m not sure he will. After the way I spoke to him, the way I just left, I’m not sure he’ll want to understand. And even if he does, I’m not sure he’ll forgive me, I sure as hell don’t deserve it.
The doorbell rings and I jump up before Miguel even has a chance to move.
“Hey,” I say, happy to see Donovan standing there.
“Hey.” He looks at me warily and I step aside to let him in.
“Thanks for coming,” I say.
He just nods as he detours to hug Mom and Miguel.
They exchange hushed words and they’re all smiling at each other.
I remember Elizabeth mentioning that him coming out to them went well; and after the talking to my mom gave me last night, I know she’s angry that my reaction was any different.
After Mom lets him go, he turns to face me.
“You wanted to talk?” he asks.
“Yeah, shall we go sit outside?”
He doesn’t reply, instead walking past me and down the corridor. Mom gives me a hopeful look and Miguel just nods. I grab a couple of beers from the fridge on my way through and sit on the lounger opposite him.
“Here,” I say, offering him a beer.
“What do you want?” he asks, taking the bottle.
“To apologize, I was an asshole.”
He scoffs. “You’ve got that right.”
“Yeah. Look, I know there’s no excuse for the way I acted. It all just came as such a shock. I never in a million years would’ve thought that you might… you know.”
“If you can’t even say the fucking word, what are we doing here?”
“You’re right, you’re right,” I say, “it just never even crossed my mind that you might be gay. Honestly, I was probably too busy being subconsciously jealous thinking you were with Elizabeth to even notice anything.”
“The only reason I never corrected you is because I was terrified of you finding out the truth,” he says, “it was easier to just let you believe she was my girlfriend.”
“I know, I get that now. And knowing that you’ve lived for so long feeling terrified of me, scared of me knowing who you really are.
Shit, Donovan, I’m so sorry I made you feel that way.
” I sigh. “I know it’s all on me, I let Frank get into my head about the club years ago—the rules he made, his priorities, his views of the world and how other people should live their lives.
No matter how much I hated him, I let myself become just like him.
All this time I thought I was protecting you, but you were just as scared of me as you were of him. ”
“I mean, you’re not completely like him,” he says, “in a lot of ways you’re better than him.”
“Am I?” I ask, feeling very strongly that the answer is no.
“Yeah, granted, you’ve been a piece of shit about this, but otherwise, you’ve always looked out for me. Protected Mom and I from him countless times… you are better than him, Diablo.”
“Hmm, there is some more that I’ve got to tell you, and that might change your opinion of me.”
“Go on,” he says, trying to keep his voice neutral but I can tell he’s nervous.
I tell him about Diablos Rojos reaching out, about Frank manipulating everyone to get us back into illegal shit again, about the deal I made with him when he got sent inside and how it makes this shit with Diablos Rojos really fucking complicated…
“Fuck.” He lets his head fall into his hands.
I nod. “Yeah.”
“I can’t believe you’re just telling me this now.”
“I wasn’t gonna tell you at all, but Mom found out and told me that if I didn’t, she’d make sure I regretted it.”
He laughs. “Wow, all the shit you took from Frank, but Mom just threatens you and you’ll do anything for her.”