Where My Secret Hides (The Tynerston Collection: Warriors #1)

Prologue 1

Donovan

Her T-shirt is screaming at me like a beacon; a rainbow with the words ‘Love is Love’ underneath.

We’ve been meeting in the library to work on this project together for a couple of weeks, but she’s never worn anything like this before.

I’ve seen other people around campus wearing pride stuff, and we have an LGBTQ+ group, but I’ve steered clear of all of it.

That’s so much harder to do when it’s literally staring me right in the face.

I don’t remember when I first knew I was gay, I guess I’ve just always known. I do remember when I first realized I could never tell anyone and that it had to remain my secret. Visions of my father fill my mind; he never physically hurt me; my mom and older brother always got the worst of his rage.

His prison sentence was probably the best thing that could have happened, for all of us.

I wasn’t even there during the trial, my mom wanted to keep me separate from everything, but that was fine by me.

My memories of him consist of how much he hurt my mom; he doesn’t deserve the title of Father as far as I’m concerned.

“Donovan?” Beth’s voice draws me out of my thoughts.

“Yeah?” I ask.

“Where did you go? Seemed like you were off in a dream land.”

“More like a nightmare land,” I say. “I’m fine, sorry.”

“Are you sure? You don’t seem like yourself today.”

I glance at her T-shirt again, the need for someone else to know me boils up inside. It’s always there, but with years of practice I’ve learned to keep it under control. It’s like that famous quote in the Avengers movie, ‘That’s my secret, Cap. I’m always angry.’ But I’m tired, no, I’m exhausted.

Keeping this secret consumes my entire being. I carefully monitor the way I talk, the way I dress, I make sure I don’t look at a man for too long in case anyone mistakes it for attraction. I’m exhausted; I just need someone else to know.

“Can I tell you a secret?” I ask.

“A secret?” She puts her pen down and faces me, giving me her undivided attention.

“Yeah. I’ve never told anyone before, but you have to promise never to share it. It could be dangerous for me if you do.”

“This sounds intense,” she says, “we barely know each other, are you sure you want to trust me with this?”

She’s right, I don’t know her. We’ve been in the same English class since the start of the year, but this project was the first time we’ve spoken.

All I know about her is that she’s smart, she loves literature, she keeps herself to herself and she doesn’t live on campus.

She’s a redhead, like, a true redhead, with crazy curls, and the porcelain skin and green eyes to match.

And she’s wearing a ‘Love is Love’ T-shirt.

“I feel like I can,” I say, “and honestly, I just need to tell someone, anyone.”

“Okay.”

I take a deep breath, these words have never left my mouth before, only existing in my mind.

“I… I’m gay. I like guys.”

Beth smiles, and it’s a brilliant, radiant smile. “Thank you for telling me.” She leans over and places her hand on mine, giving it a squeeze. “Your secret is safe with me, I promise.”

Tears form in my eyes. Fuck, I didn’t expect to get emotional; but it’s been years of keeping this inside, and I just released it. But more importantly, the world didn’t end, I’m still here.

“Please can I give you a hug?” she asks.

I nod and we both stand as she pulls me into her arms, then without meaning to I find myself laughing.

“Sorry, this isn’t even funny, I have no idea why I’m laughing.”

“It’s okay,” she says. “It’s probably the release, if you’ve been keeping that in a long time, it’s going to feel surreal getting it out there.”

“Yeah, I’ve been building it up in my head for so long, it’s crazy, like I thought the world would implode if I told someone.”

“But it hasn’t,” she says, “and you can talk to me about it anytime.”

I’ve got no idea if I’m crying or laughing now, or some weird combination of both.

“Here.” She releases me from the hug and hands me a pack of tissues from her bag before taking her seat again.

“Never expected this to happen today,” I say, wiping my eyes.

“What was it that made you feel like you could finally tell someone?”

“Your T-shirt, it was like a foghorn blaring at me.”

She looks down and laughs. “Okay, that makes sense. I thought you were legit staring at my tits, but then you told me you’re gay. I wasn’t sure whether to take it personally or not.”

“No, nothing personal, I’m sure they’re great, but I was just looking at the T-shirt.”

“Damn right they’re great, haven’t had any complaints yet,” she chuckles, and it makes me laugh too, enjoying this moment of feeling lighter than I’ve ever felt in my life.

The moment settles, but in the quiet my head starts to spin, and thoughts start to spiral.

This was a bad idea… my family could find out…

the motorcycle club… my father would literally kill me…

My hands are shaking and no matter what I do they don’t seem to stop.

Until Beth’s hand gently squeezes mine again, a reminder that I’m not completely alone.

“Breathe,” she says calmly, “I know it’s hard, but try and breathe.”

She sits me down and moves her chair in front of me, before placing her hand on her chest, prompting me to do the same.

Watching her hand rise and fall helps me, and I focus on the sensation of my own hand resting against my body.

My heart is still pounding, but it’s slowing, helped by tuning into my chest rising and falling.

I’m here, I’m okay… I’m here, I’m okay…

She holds her hand out to me, and I take it again, it dawns on me that this is the first time I’ve held someone else’s hand, well, someone who isn’t my mom anyway. It seemed so natural to Beth, holding my hand after I told her, and now to calm me down. It’s reassuring, the same as her hug.

“Please can you hug me again?” I ask.

“Of course, come here.”

She stands and I step into her arms as she rests her head against my chest.

“Sorry,” I say, “I don’t mean to be a weirdo, asking for a hug when we barely know each other.”

“Well considering I know your deepest secret I think that automatically makes us best friends, and best friends hug, so you’re good.”

“Best friends, huh? I’ve never had a best friend before.”

“Hmm, I haven’t had one for years,” she says, her voice etched with sadness.

We hold each other for what feels like an age; it’s nice, comforting.

“What are you thinking about?” she asks.

I chuckle, “How I’m definitely, one hundred percent, gay.”

“The hugs not doing anything for you, huh?”

“It is in the sense that it feels nice, but as for sexual attraction, zip, nada.”

“That’s okay, I’ve got lots of men I use for sex, it will be nice to have a guy friend who’s purely platonic.”

“Best friends?” I ask.

“Best friends,” she says, “and as your new official best friend, I’m afraid the first order of business is to get to the bottom of that panic attack. I’m guessing it has something to do with the fact that you said it would be dangerous if people find out you’re gay?”

“Yeah, it’s not a nice story though, so, you don’t have to listen—”

“Excuse me, did we not just agree we’re best friends? I’ll listen to anything you want to tell me.”

“I mean, it would be good to talk about it,” I say, “but I’d rather go somewhere private. I share a dorm room though so that’s complicated.”

“We can go back to my place, but I should probably tell you a secret of my own on the way, so you know what to expect.”

“I promise I’ll keep your secret, I’m really good at it!” I chuckle.

“Come on,” she laughs, gathering up her books.

Two bus rides later and we’re in her apartment. My family isn’t rich, and we always lived in the poorer areas of Tynerston, but this…

Her apartment is in one of the dodgiest areas, as in, my brother wouldn’t even go here if he didn’t have to. I mean, I get it, what she’s been through, shit. The fact that she’s in school and making her way is amazing. But to go from Radbury Heights, where literal millionaires live, to this…

At least she’s made it cozy, and she’s adamant she’s fine and doesn’t want anyone else to interfere. And more importantly, it’s private—so maybe a bit of a safe haven for both of us now.

“I hope you don’t mind sitting on the bed,” she says, “obviously there’s no space for any other furniture.”

“It’s fine, it’s basically like a dorm room.”

She chuckles, “Yeah, a super shitty dorm room.”

We sit with our backs against the headboard and some chips and dip between us— ‘snacks for secrets’ as she said at the store.

“So come on then,” she says, “tell me what the deal is.”

“I guess it all starts with my father, Frank. He’s currently in prison for murder.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah, he was one of the founders of this motorcycle club, Lobos Aulladores,” I say, “and they used to do a lot of fucked up shit.”

“Used to?”

“Yeah, there’s a new leader now, so they don’t do illegal stuff anymore. My brother, Diablo, is still a member. They’re actually nice guys; I hang out there all the time.”

“But they wouldn’t like it that you’re gay?”

“No, it’s what I was thinking about earlier when I went quiet at the library, how I don’t remember when I first knew I was gay, that on some level I’ve always known. But when I first realized I had to keep it a secret, I remember that like it was yesterday.”

“You can tell me if you like, it won’t go any further than this room.”

I nod and settle down into the bed a little more.

“I was sixteen, so this was what, four years ago? We were having a family meal, and my mom was telling us about a new artist she’d found, and how much she loved his work.

As soon as my dad heard the artist was a man, he started going off on this crazy rant about what type of man would be an artist, using all sorts of horrible words to describe him. ”

“Sounds like a real asshole.”

“Yeah,” I say, “he was pretty vile. The more he talked, the more I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole. I was terrified, it felt like the words, ‘I’m gay’, were floating above my head in flashing neon, for everyone to see.”

“Your mom and brother didn’t say anything?”

“No, my mom was more scared of him than I was, he was abusive so…”

“I’m so sorry.” She reaches over and squeezes my hand again.

“I went out that night and tried to have sex with a girl.”

She chuckles at the grimace on my face. “I’m guessing it didn’t go well.”

“No, she was this girl in our neighborhood, and she was popular and pretty, and all the guys liked her. I know it was stupid, but I figured maybe she could make me straight?”

“It’s not stupid, you were scared, and you wanted to feel safe.”

“Yeah, I only got off because she had boy band posters on her wall, I stared at them the entire time.”

“Boy bands?” she asks. “So which was your type, the cute boy next door, or the bad boy with the tattoos?”

“I don’t know, I don’t let myself look at guys.”

“Ever? Not even when you’re alone?” she asks.

I shake my head. “It’s too risky, I’m scared it would be like a butterfly effect.”

“Like opening gay floodgates?”

“Exactly,” I chuckle, “giant rainbow floodgates!”

“I get that,” she says. “So now your dad is in prison, you still don’t think it would be safe?”

“No, he made sure the club had a rule in place that no gay people were allowed in or anywhere near it, and with my brother being a member, it’s too risky.”

“Are you sure your brother isn’t just an asshole too? What did you say his name was, Diablo? As in literally the devil?”

“Yeah, Diablo is… complicated. On the one hand, he’s the best brother I could ask for.

He’s protected me from Frank all my life, protected my mom too, and he’d be there in a heartbeat if I needed him, always having my back.

He’s not a bad guy, a bit too serious, and angry maybe, but honestly I can understand that after dealing with Frank since he was a kid.

“He’s different with the guys at the MC, they’re also like his brothers, and he’s more relaxed around them, especially now they’re not into all the illegal shit. But the gay thing… I think there’s too much history there, with my dad, the club, their rules…”

“Hmm, so not a complete asshole. But I’m still going to hate him a little bit for not making you feel like he’d accept you no matter who you love.”

“That’s fine, you can hate him,” I chuckle. “You should come to the clubhouse with me sometime though, maybe it will help, them seeing me with a hot girl.”

She brings her hands to her chest. “Donovan, are you asking me to be your fake girlfriend, because if so, you should know that I will absolutely be fucking other guys.”

“No,” I laugh, “you’ll be my friend, but let’s just say I’ll keep my answers vague when people ask me about you.” I look up at her with puppy dog eyes. “Please?”

“Okay, the puppy dog eyes are officially banned from our friendship; they hold too much power. But fine, I’ll come and hang out with your asshole brother and his motorcycle club friends.”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” I pull her into a hug, and she laughs as I tickle her.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so free. A few hours ago, I was alone, being eaten alive from the inside by my secret, but now I have a friend who I feel like I’ve known for ever.

And she’s cool, and open, and can help me navigate this whole thing.

For the first time there’s a sliver of light in my future, and some hope that it won’t all be completely bleak.