Chapter 48
CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT
REED
I f you’re called something enough times, you start to believe it. For me, that’s confident. Growing up as a middle child it was the only way I could ever be seen or heard, so I embodied it. It didn’t matter if I felt like I was failing or falling apart on the inside, on the outside I was a cheetah, bold and brave. But right now, my hands are shaking against the top of a wooden podium, and my breath is seeping out of me in quivering pants. I don’t know what compelled me to step up to this microphone, but I think it might have been a mistake.
It was obvious that the people who came up here before me are good with words and feelings. Take Dean’s mom, for example. Her speech poured out of her like a cup of hot cocoa, warm and comforting. She didn’t clear her throat and send a shower of static through a speaker from standing too close like me. She also spoke from the heart. Something that feels impossible for a guy who refuses to face his feelings. I would have been better off preparing something to say. But I didn’t know I’d be getting up here.
There are sixteen rows of people watching me, and had this been tenth grade debate class when I delivered an epic George Washington rebuttal, I’d have nailed it. My goal would be to make people laugh, not help people who are crying. What am I supposed to do now that I’m up here?
I have no choice but to open my mouth and speak.
“Since the day I met Dean McCafferty, he’s been a royal pain in my ass. Sorry for the language, Reverend,” I add as the man’s cheeks turn bright pink.
A collective laugh bursts in the crowd, and the built-up tension in my body relaxes.
“He was ruthless when it came to doing the right thing, cocky as hell, and a total hardball in the face of a challenge,” I continue.
More laughter, and this time, my mouth screws up into a smile. Without knowing it, these people are the ones comforting me .
“When I joined Iron Summit mid-season, I got stuck training with him on my first day. I remember thinking there’s no way this lazy noodle makes a good squad leader. He was flopped on a stump eating a turkey sandwich, watching me sweat through every layer of clothes I had on.”
Tears turn into smiles, laughter into medicine. Nerves still bounce around in my abdomen, but I stay put because there’s something I really need to say and I can’t leave this stage until I do.
“I judged him on the spot the same way a lot of people do with me. They think I’m the conceited jock or a player with women. They believe I’m Rex’s attention-seeking younger brother or Ronny’s cocky older one. They label me confident, reluctant to settle down, always chasing the next best thing. What they don’t see is the guy who wants to work hard and to be understood. The one who longs for validation from his parents, his peers, and in his love life. ”
Gosh, this is getting embarrassing, but it also feels wildly freeing to admit, so I keep going.
“Dean saw those things in me. He may not have chosen me to be on the crew initially, but he chose to mentor me once I was. He taught me how to dig a cup trench… and fell a tree.” My voice cracks as I try and fail to block the memory of him trapped beneath one. I haven’t allowed myself to picture it until now. But I need to. This is the only way forward, letting it all in.
“Most of all, he taught me how to be vulnerable.”
My lip quivers, and I swipe at a tear.
“It was the greatest gift I’ve ever been given getting to be his friend.”
I don’t know how people do this, face the onslaught of emotion. Luckily, I don’t have to do it alone. There’s a line of people I love ready to hug me as I descend the stage steps. Hailey’s first, and then my dad. Jack leans in and tells me it’s going to be okay. Coming from him, I know that has to be possible. We may not get to choose who we love and lose, but there’s no greater way forward than with these people by my side.
When the service ends, we circle his casket. It’s hard to believe it holds anything more than Kleenex with seventeen pallbearers carrying it. We transport him out of that chapel and to a shady grove of trees. It’s there, surrounded by my new family, I finally admit to myself… the fire changed me .
It was because of Dean that I let it.