36. She’s better than me
36
SHE’S BETTER THAN ME
ASHER
Three days have passed me by, each one dragging me further into the life I tried running from. Three days since I left them like the coward that I am.
I couldn’t face Halle and Hunter. The thought of standing there and telling them what I pieced together, of seeing the hurt and anger etched into their faces, the pain that I had caused, is more than I can bear.
They caught the guy eventually. Halle’s words float around in my head as I step through the iron gates of the graveyard. The gravel crunches beneath my boots, and the air grows cooler the farther I go, carrying a faint mossy scent on the wind.
Weaving between the weathered headstones, the world outside seems to fade. I couldn’t bring myself to come here yesterday. Instead, I holed up in the dingy motel at the edge of town. The walls closed in as I tore apart every moment of my life. How I got here, how time after time I kept screwing it all up.
How stupid I was to think that Halle was here to save me.
A bitter scoff escapes my lips, breaking the silence. Not even my own mother could stand the sight of me when I showed up unannounced on her doorstep this morning. She pushed at me, her voice shaking with anger as she spat the words that I’d heard before: I don’t belong and never will.
Her tears fell fast and uncontrollably as she blamed me for everything. For the trouble our family went through, for her sister leaving town, unable to live with the pain of her son lying here in the ground. With one look, I knew she would never come around. There’s too much grief, too much anger and loss. Too much damage has been done.
So I begged. Begged her for the location of Aiden’s grave.
Reluctantly, she gave it to me on the promise that I find my closure and never come back, her words landing in a final blow. I wasn’t to stick around for longer than today, but I had nowhere else to go. Not a damn clue about what to do next.
God, I miss Halle. I miss my friends. I miss Sunlit Cove.
When I finally reach Aiden’s grave, my legs threaten to buckle under me, and a cold wave of doubt crawls through my mind. I’m not even sure being here will help. His headstone is simple and boring, and a sharp pang of annoyance hits me in the chest. He would have hated that. Aiden was never the type to fade into the background; he was always the loudest in the room, demanding the world to notice him.
I drop to my knees, the damp grass soaking through my jeans, my fingers grazing the cool stone as I trace his name. Aiden Evans.
Memories of our childhood claw their way to the surface, tightening around my mind. Us as kids, running through the neighborhood playing tag, racing our bikes down the street until our legs burned, and camping out on the loungeroom floor after staying up too late. I close my eyes, shaking the memories from my head, but they keep coming. We would storm the halls of high school like we owned them and show up to parties, daring the world to challenge us. From the innocence of our youth to the downfall of our adolescence. Each moment hits harder than the one before.
I fall forward, my hands gripping the edge of his headstone. The walls I’ve built over the years crumble, and rage rips through me as my throat closes, choking the scream that’s building inside me. My shoulders shake with such force that a sob breaks free, followed by another and another, blurring my vision and turning the world around me.
Shadows stretch across the uneven ground, casting long patterns from the setting sun. Hours have slipped by, and I know I should leave, but my legs feel heavy, and there’s a pounding ache settling in my forehead. Before standing, I press my hand into the cool grass, taking a moment to calm myself. Halle’s smile flashes in my mind, cutting through the darkness, and I cling to it, drawing from the strength she told me I always have.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper to him, hoping that wherever he is, he can hear. “I should have been better for you, should have pulled us out sooner.”
A rustling sound cuts through my thoughts, and my shoulders tense at the light footsteps that approach from behind me. Unhurried but deliberate, and when a stick snaps too close, I jolt, scrambling to my feet and spinning to face whoever’s there. But when my gaze lands on him, the tension drains from my body.
“Hunter.” I whisper, relief washing over me.
Without thinking, I stride up to him, closing the distance between us, throwing an arm around his back in a quick, tight hug. I pull back and look at him, and a pang of guilt twists inside me. His white shirt is wrinkled, and the dark circles under his eyes make it look like he hasn’t slept in days.
“What—” The word gets caught in my throat, my voice faltering as I take another step back.
The realization of Hunter being here, standing in front of me, hits me like a punch to the gut. If he’s here, does that mean… My eyes dart around the graveyard, searching, hoping, dreading.
“She’s not here,” Hunter says, his gaze knowing.
I force a sad smile as a war happens inside of me. A twisted mix of both relief and disappointment. I don’t want her here. Halle doesn’t need to come back to this town, to the trauma it holds for her. She deserves the peace she’s found in Sunlit Cove. But something inside me, the selfish part of me, had still hoped. Even with all this distance between us, the need to be with her remains. A quiet force tugs me toward her, calling me home. Can she feel it, too?
“What are you doing here?” I ask, this time my voice more steady.
Hunter steps forward, his gaze flicking across the rows of headstones, his shoulders stiff, like he’s uncomfortable, and I notice the clenching of his fists. Then it hits me. He’s searching for her . For his mom. I stay silent, giving him the space to figure out his next move. But when his hands relax, I know he’s given up, at least for now. He looks at me, his expression unreadable.
“You hungry?” he asks.
“I could eat.” I shrug.
Without another word, he spins on his heel and stalks toward the iron gates. With nowhere else to go and no reason to stay behind, I take one last glance at Aiden’s grave and follow Hunter, wondering why he came after me. Back to the town he swore he’d never return to.
The diner is packed. Booths overflow with groups of friends, young families, and elderly couples. It’s almost unrecognizable. If it weren’t for the nineties posters hanging all over the walls, I would think it was a different diner. Not the quiet, almost forgotten place I remember from years ago. Things have changed since I’ve been gone.
We push through the busy diner, passing tables of loud conversations and laughter. At the far end, we find a quiet booth tucked into the corner. The vinyl creaks as we slide in, the table slightly sticky, and the scent of fried food and bitter coffee hangs in the air.
Hunter sits across from me, his body tense like he’s on high alert, scanning the diner and everyone in sight. Leaning back, I raise a brow at him, a silent what the fuck?
He shakes his head, dismissing my concern. Then, leaning over the table, he smacks the back of my head, his eyes narrowing on me as he sits back.
“The hell you doing, man?” he snaps.
I rub the back of my head, scowling at him. “You weren’t supposed to follow me,” I reply.
“You think, after all we’ve been through,” he lets out a humorless laugh crossing his arms over his chest, “after my sister fell in love with you, that I’d just let you run off? That I wouldn’t chase your ass down? You’re a bigger idiot than I thought.” He scoffs.
For a moment, neither of us speaks, and the silence suffocates me. The disappointment and hurt etched into his face hit me all at once, leaving a hollow ache inside my chest.
“What was I meant to do, Hunt?” I ask, my voice heavy with defeat. “Not say anything? Go on with life living with the guilt, knowing every time I look at her, look at you, I’d see the pain I caused?” My fist hits my chest, frustration simmering inside me.
“Nah, man,” I shake my head, “you guys are better off without me. She’s better than me, and deserves better.”
My chest heaves as I fight to keep my shit together, the weight of this whole situation becoming too much.
“Do you remember how Halle was when she first got to Sunlit?” he asks.
I nod, not seeing where he’s going with this.
“She was broken,” he continues, “hollow. Too skinny for her own good and jumpy as hell. She’d say sorry for everything, even things that weren’t her fault. Always worrying she was in the way or doing something wrong. She would hide away in her room, and the anxiety attacks would come in daily. She was on edge all day, all night.”
My chest tightens painfully at the thought of Halle back then—beaten down with those sad eyes and closed off to the world.
Not giving me a chance to speak, Hunter leans forward, the intensity in his gaze making me shift in my seat.
“The Halle I see now,” he pauses, pride flashing across his face, “is someone who fought back. She’s healthy, strong, carefree. She laughs, dances, and is a part of our family now. She doesn’t hide anymore. She controls her anxiety. And she sat there, after reading your letter, convincing every single one of us that you,” he points at my chest, “are a part of our family. And family doesn’t give up on each other.” He searches my face. “Do you know who I have to thank for that?”
A shaky breath escapes me as Hunter eyes me, waiting for me to say or do something. The pride swelling in my chest is all for her because she did that. No one else. Halle fought for herself, and she’s the fiercest person I’ve ever known.
“You,” he says, his voice firm. “I have you to thank.”
Disbelief clouds my thoughts. “I didn’t do anything.”
“Wake up, Asher,” he snaps, “she needs you. I need you. We all do.”
His words hit me, but they aren’t enough to shake the doubt.
“And what happens when I go back? When everyone looks at me knowing what I did? What happens then? You really want me to stick around while she figures out that I’m the one to blame?”
Hunter pinches the bridge of his nose, his jaw clenching and unclenching. “Don’t make me punch you,” he mutters with a sigh.
“You didn’t kill our mom, Asher. You didn’t do anything other than get caught up in the wrong crowd. Mom made her choice. If she didn’t buy the pills from you, it would’ve been someone else. You know that.” He leans over, his hand gripping my shoulder as his eyes search mine.
“We don’t blame you,” he says with conviction, “so stop blaming yourself. You’ve been through enough.”
I try to look away, to pull out from under his grip, but his fingers dig into my shoulder. His eyes bore into mine, holding me in place, refusing to let me go until I face the truth.
And then I see it—everything he’s been saying.
He’s right .
All these months, I’ve been telling Halle to fight, to live, to face her demons, and promising her that I’d be right there, helping her every step of the way. And yet here I am, running again when all I had to do was let her in so we could face it all together. So we could fight together.
Hunter watches me closely, and the moment it all clicks into place, he nods at me, giving my shoulder a firm tap before settling back into his seat. He picks up the menu, as casual as ever, like we didn’t just have one of the most life-altering conversations.
“She’s waiting for you,” he says simply, peeking over the menu at me with a smirk.
I press my palms to my eyes and blow out a breath.
When I look back at him, my throat tightens. “I don’t think I’ve ever thanked you,” I say, my voice thick with emotion, “for saving my life.”
“We’re brothers,” he states. “Before, now, always.”
The tension and uncertainty in the air finally lift, and for the first time in what feels like forever, a smile spreads across my face.
Hunter grins back. “Now, let’s fucking eat. All that sappy shit made me hungrier.”
Chuckling, I pick up the menu and scan over the options. My stomach growls as I wonder if their burgers are as good as the ones Halle and I had at that diner we went to.
“Boys, you look like you’re about done with the heavy stuff, so what can I get you?”
The waitress’s voice snaps me out of my thoughts, and I glance up, ready to order. But Hunter’s gasp pulls my attention. He’s staring frozen in shock.
When I look back at the waitress, she’s looking down at him with her eyes wide, like she’s been caught in headlights. Her hands shake, and before I can figure out what the hell is going on, the color drains from Hunter’s face.
His mouth hangs open like he’s seen a ghost.
She doesn’t wait for him to say anything. She spins, her blue apron fluttering, and bolts through the swinging kitchen doors.
“Hunter!” I snap my fingers in front of his face.
His eyes flick to me, and without a word, he scrambles out of the booth, tripping over his feet as he takes off, chasing after her.