3. Summer 19
The four of us stand on the Martin’s porch, listening to the doorbell chime. We’ve done this plenty of times before. It feels normal and comforting, and yet, it doesn’t. Everything is different. It may have been nine months since the accident, but this is our first night back at the lake since then. Rebecca isn’t going to welcome me with her usual squeal and embrace. We aren’t going to catch each other up on everything that has happened in our lives for the past nine months.
After all this time, I thought the wound had begun to heal. I thought I was okay, but as I stand on the doorstep where all my summers have begun for the past ten years, I realize I’m not okay. Every feeling that had begun to hide in the shadows while I was away is now coming right to the surface. My throat constricts. My hands begin to shake, and tears threaten my eyes.
Dani reaches out to me and grabs my hand, just as my mom grabs my other hand, and Andrew opens the door. My heart melts at the sight of him. He looks good. He looks okay. Despite losing his best friend, his twin sister, he looks okay. The thought somehow eases some of my emotions. I finally release the breath I’d been holding and subtly wipe at the corner of my eye before a tear falls.
I always stayed in touch with Rebecca and Andrew over the summer. I had different ways of communicating with each of them. When we were younger, Rebecca would call me regularly, and Andrew and I would send each other hand-written letters with book recommendations. As we grew older, calls with Rebecca turned to Facetimes, and letters to Andrew turned to texts with the occasional Facetime call. This past year, Andrew and I did not stay in touch. I sent him a few texts, but he didn’t respond. I’m not sure why, but I can only imagine the last time we saw each other changed a lot of things. I finally got the message.
Andrew smiles that easy smile of his. “Hey, guys!” He turns and shouts inside the house. “The O’Doughertys are here!”
My mom gives him a tight hug and asks how he’s been doing. I step into the house and squeeze him too, on autopilot. The warm feeling of his muscles wrapped around me feels amazing. It’s like his hug alone can piece me back together and alleviate all of my sorrow. I’ve been waiting nine months for his hug.
We walk silently through the house, all the way to outside. There’s music playing throughout the house and off the back deck. I can’t help but think how normal everything feels, even though it isn’t.
Andrew tilts his head toward the dock, wordlessly telling me to follow him. We walk to the end of the dock, and he sits down, slipping his flip-flops off, and placing his feet into the water.
He doesn’t even turn toward me. He just waits for me to follow suit. After ten years, we know each other well enough to communicate easily without words, even after not speaking for so long.
Once I’m seated next to him with my feet floating in the shockingly chilly water, he finally speaks. “How has college been?”
I hesitate. Are we just ignoring the elephant in the room? I want to know how he really is. I want to know how his family is. I want to know why he didn’t talk to me for the past nine months after everything we’ve been through. I guess we have a lot to catch up on after not talking for so long.
“It was good. I decided not to run this year, so I’ve been interning at a publishing company to make up for the scholarship money I’m losing out on. I overloaded my schedule a bit, but it helped keep me busy.” I stare down at the water, swishing my feet back and forth.
“You’re not running?” He frowns. “You love to run! What happened?”
It almost feels like old times. Almost. Except I have this feeling starting to simmer inside me because things shouldn’t be normal between us, and after a whole nine months of not even speaking to me when we should’ve been able to help each other through the aching pain of our loss, it’s not fair for him to act like things are normal. Is this anger? I’ve never been mad at Andrew before.
“Running just reminded me of Rebecca.” I pause. “Can we go to the beach and skip rocks?”
He looks at me with confusion. “Yeah, I guess. Why?”
“It was a thing Rebecca and I used to do.” I walk to the beach and pick up a stone to skip. “You know, we started running together as conditioning for soccer. Then I grew to like it, and she hated it.” I chuckle as I remember. “One morning I came and woke her up for our run, and she got so mad she threw her pillow at my face. She fell back asleep before I could even give her the pillow back.”
My smile slowly smooths out as I’m reminded of reality. My chin trembles as I hold back tears for the second time in about ten minutes. I knew it’d be hard to come back here, but I wasn’t expecting it to be this hard. All the memories are just flooding back.
“You should’ve still done it.” That’s all he says. He has a glazed-over look in his eye like maybe more thoughts and emotions are going on inside him than he’s willing to share with me right now.
“Why? It just would’ve hurt more. At least this way I’m working toward my future. I’ve always wanted to be an editor. You know that. To get my foot in the door as a freshman is amazing, unheard of.”
“Come on. This isn’t what she would’ve wanted. I know she’s my twin, but you knew her just as well as I did. She would be angry at you right now for giving up running because of her. Rebecca was like the poster child of living your life to the fullest. Do you really think you’re doing that?”
“I am living my life, Andrew! I’m working toward my future, setting myself up for success. I’d say I’m living my life pretty damn well.”
The frustration is turning from a simmer to a boil, and it’s a weird feeling, but I’d prefer this anger over the sadness or betrayal I feel. I can’t believe Andrew’s complete ignorance of me the last nine months after everything we had begun to build before the accident.
“Em, no.”
My heart swells like a balloon at the sound of his nickname for me. No one else calls me Em, and I’ve always loved it. Gosh, I’ve missed him almost as much as I’ve missed Rebecca. I want him to reach out and hold me right now. I want nothing more than to just sit in silence in his warm embrace. That would fix everything. Except it won’t. I don’t reach out to him. Instead, I whisper, “No what?”
A frown washes over his face, and he takes a deep sigh. “I mean you can’t just bury yourself in work. That’s not living. There’s so much more to life. Rebecca died trying to show us that. It was a stupid way of doing it, but don’t let that go to waste.”
I narrow my eyes at him. “Is that what you’ve been busy doing the last nine months? Living your life? Is that why you completely ignored me when I tried to reach out to you? You were too busy living as if Rebecca never existed, as if I never existed?!” I see the hurt coming across his face, but I continue. “Aren’t you sad at all that your sister is gone? How can you just move on so quickly and ignore the life you used to have?”
I regret those bitter words as soon as they’re out of my mouth. I know the answer to that question. Of course he missed her, but I can’t take the words back. I stutter, “Andrew, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”
Anger sweeps over his face for a second, and then it turns into a look of sadness. “Maybe we need to have this conversation another time when you’ve had some time to sit with everything. But you need to know losing my sister was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. She’s my twin. We shared a womb. She drove me absolutely nuts, but I still loved her. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her.” He pauses and takes a step away. “I had my reasons for keeping my distance, and when you’re ready to have an actual conversation, we can talk about them. I’m going to go see if my dad needs help with the grill.”
I want to stop him or follow him, do something to fix this moment. I just can’t. I stand there with a rock in my hand, feet rooted to the ground, watching him walk away. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. Now, not only do I have my still-healing wound from Rebecca, but I have a fresh cut from Andrew. Except, I caused this cut. This is my fault, and I have to fix it.