13. Where There’s Regrets.
13
Where There’s Regrets...
Phoenix “Phee” Preston - August 31st, 2025
I stare up at the ceiling as the events from last week replay over and over again. I couldn’t believe that I’d been close to death, but more importantly, I couldn’t believe that the love of my life had almost lost hers as well. I wouldn’t have been able to live if that were the case.
I should’ve followed her out and made sure she was safe instead of going back and forth with her. I could have literally avoided all this had I done what I was trained to do. I’d never been injured on the job, but I guess there’s a first time for everything.
After the others managed to get up out of the smoke-filled room, I was immediately ushered to a different ambulance than Angel, much to my dismay. On the ride to the hospital, all I could think about was getting to her and making sure that she was okay. I didn’t care that the doctors needed to set my wrist and put it in a cast. I didn ’t care that I needed to rest and take a breathing treatment because of the amount of smoke I inhaled. I didn’t care about any of that shit.
All I cared about was going to check on Angel.
Nobody would update me on her condition, and it took two days for me to be discharged from the hospital. I immediately made my way to the room where I was told she was staying. However, I was not prepared for what I walked into…
Seeing her connected to so many machines scared the shit out of me. I’m not a medical professional, so I could only believe them when they assured me she was fine. I knew that she had a history of respiratory issues from the many conversations about what to do if ever it flared up again while we were together.
My heart broke into pieces when I realized that she was unconscious. When I spoke to her doctor, he informed me that it was taking longer for her to recover because she was already burned out from before the accident. Her body was finally catching up with her and making up for all of the rest she’d missed out on.
All I could do was drop into the chair beside the bed and take her hand in mine. In my head, I fussed at her because I’d been telling her she needed to slow down. I’d been telling her that those coffees wouldn’t replace sleep. I’d been telling her that she needed to take a step back from trying to do everything by herself.
When she told me that most of her staff were out sick, I thought for sure that she was going to take a few days off, but I should’ve known better. I’ve never met a more hardworking person, and while I admire it, the fire proved that sometimes she just needed to take a minute. But as I sat there and watched her sleep peacefully, any anger I had slowly washed away.
Instead, it was replaced with that crippling anxiety I always got when I was at a hospital. Seeing her hooked up to all of those machines brought back memories that I wish I could forget, but as much as I wanted to run away, I couldn’t leave her. No matter how much the discomfort piled up in my heart, I stayed planted in that seat, day and night.
Her brothers had to practically force me to take a break, eat, and shower. I was so terrified that if I left her, she’d somehow get worse, even though the doctor said that she was past the worst of it. I was only able to calm my anxiety once she’d woken up.
I was shocked that she wanted me to leave, but I wasn’t about to do that shit. I knew exactly how she was feeling, because I felt the same. We both were affected by the events, but I refused to leave until we talked, and talked we did. We laid everything out on the table that first night and the day after. It was safe to say that we were in a better place now.
However, I hadn’t seen her in person in about two days. After learning about my anxiety surrounding hospitals, she was adamant about me taking a break away from the hospital and worrying about her. She claimed that I needed time to decompress and that she didn’t want me to be uncomfortable, but she didn’t understand that I didn’t care how uncomfortable I was as long as she was good.
“That’s not how this works, Phee,” she sighed, shaking her head. “You’re not allowed to sacrifice this much for me.”
“Sw eets...”
“I love you and I appreciate you, Phee, but I can always tell when stuff gets painful for you,” she cuts me off. “I know you want to be here for me, and I’m not stopping you, but I do want you to take a step back, regroup, and then come back. This place brings up terrible memories for you, and you’ve been here day and night since the 26 th . Please, baby, just take the weekend and go clear your mind at the cabin.”
“At the cabin?!” I had argued. “That’s two hours away, Sweets. No, come on!”
She places her hands on my shoulders and rubs lightly, a smile gracing her beautiful face, and I feel my anger dissipating. “Just three days, Phee. I know you need time to yourself, and I want you to have that. I want you to be able to just relax, okay? I promise to call you every day and answer when you call me.”
And that’s how I ended up at the cabin.
Alone and doing my best to clear my mind.
Raven had shown up yesterday with Nori, and she flashed on me for not telling her where I’d gone. I felt slightly guilty because all I’d told her was that I needed her to watch Nori for a few days. I wasn’t sure how she found out where I was, but when she walked through the door, I didn’t have time to react before she asked me to explain how I ended up in the middle of the woods while my girlfriend was still in the hospital.
So, I explained everything to her, and she sat and listened without passing judgment. To my surprise, she agreed with Angel.
“Phee, I know how you can get when it comes to hospitals, so of course, the woman who loves you also picked up on it,” she said. “Besides, y’all do need some time apart. Neither of y’all has had time to process what happened individually . I think this break was as much for her as it was for you. Even though y’all talked about it, I’m sure you both still have some lingering feelings, am I right?”
“Yeah,” I sigh. “I’m glad she’s okay, and I feel bad for being mad at her for not listening to me, but I know she probably feels the same.
“Trust me, Phee, I get both sides of it,” she assured me. “If Senior were in the same predicament as you, I wouldn’t have been able to leave him behind either. I don’t care how dangerous it might’ve been; I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself knowing that I left him behind just to save myself. Would you have left her if the roles were reversed?”
“No, but I’m-”
“A firefighter,” she cut me off with a nod. “I know, Phoenix, but when you love someone that strong, none of that shit matters when it comes down to it. All rationality and logic are thrown out the window when it comes to protecting those you love. Was it dumb as hell for her to run back into a burning building? Hell fucking yeah! Was it equally dumb for you not to follow her out? Also, yes! But guess what? Y’all are both alive and well. Do you know the others found you so quickly because they heard her voice through the fire? Phoenix, she saved your life. I’ll forever be grateful to her because…I couldn’t live without my twin.”
She broke down, and I held her tight as I let her words sink in. She was right. I would’ve done the same thing had the roles been reversed, no matter how stupid it was. And I knew that the same was true for Angel. Neither of us would’ve stopped until the ot her was safe, and as much as that scared me, it also comforted me, and I could finally relax a bit. Maybe I did need this time away...
I sit up in bed and slowly bring myself back to the present. Even though I planned to return to Tucker tomorrow morning, I still had a few days left on the mandatory leave I was forced to take after the accident. I assured them that I was fine, but it was in the policy that I had to take at least a week off as a mental health break. I wanted to argue with them, and I did at first, but eventually, I realized they were right. I was feeling more refreshed, and my mind was clearer.
I’ve done nothing but fish and walk through the woods with Nori these past few days. Angel and I talked multiple times a day between her frequent naps and her breathing treatment. She was slowly getting better and expected to return home in a few days. I couldn’t wait to hug her and hold her again.
“Hey, Phee, you in here?”
I pull myself out of my thoughts as my head snaps toward the door. Within seconds, it opens, and Kentrell, Jed, and Emerson greet me. Nori hops off the bed and trots over to greet them, her tail wagging in excitement.
“Hey, Nori. What’s up, girl?” Emerson smiles, and he bends down to pet her.
I stand up and stretch before sitting back down on the edge of the bed, taking in the looks of my friends before me. They were all dressed in comfy clothes, making me wonder why they were here on a weekday. Emerson took a seat beside me and patted my back as the other two continued to stand.
“What ’s going on?” I ask, looking around. “Y’all missed me or something?”
“Yes and no,” Kentrell smirks. “Don’t nobody miss your bigheaded ass, but we did come to spend the day with you since we know that you miss us. ” I roll my eyes. “No, for real, we went to visit Angel, and she wanted us to come out and keep you company for a bit.”
“And to make sure you eat,” Jed asks. “You been eating, cuz?”
“Yeah, I had cereal,” I nod over to the empty bowl.
“We’ll come back to that,” Emerson shakes his head. “How you holding up, though? You know, about…well, everything.”
“I’m in a better place,” I admit with a shrug. “Yeah, there is still some guilt surrounding how I handled this whole situation, but I’m working on that. I just want to be her protector, you know? I didn’t do my role to the best of my ability, and that’s on me.”
“First of all, you gotta stop blaming yourself for what happened,” Kentrell replies. “Both of y’all do. Yes, there were mistakes made, but that’s all over now. The only thing that matters is that you two are safe, which you are.”
“But her bakery…”
“Can get fixed,” Jed interjects, waving me off. “It’s already in the process of being renovated. And your wrist will be healed in no time. Then you’ll be free to run into as many burning buildings as you want.”
“Don’t tell her that!” Emerson fusses, which drew a laugh from me.
“Thanks , but I’ve learned my lesson about that,” I tell them. I sigh. “I really should’ve just escorted her outside.”
“Yeah, you should have,” Kentrell nods. “Why didn’t you?”
I don’t say anything as I think back. The front door was a couple of feet away, and all I could think about was getting her out. I wasn’t paying attention to what was happening around me, and that’s how I missed the beam falling until I was trapped underneath it. I didn’t even register to just go with her. I missed so many steps in the protocol, and was lucky I didn’t lose my job.
I know the main priority is always to get the civilians to safety first. I messed that up when I didn’t immediately take her to safety, and in turn, I got hurt, and everything fell apart. My mood shifts again, and I feel like shit. Damn, I’d just gotten out of this funk, and now I was back again.
“Hey,” Emerson calls, and I look over at him. “Stop beating yourself up about it. It was only a minute in time. Things could’ve been worse, but they weren’t. Remember that.”
I nod, and Kentrell motions for me to stand. I do, but look at him skeptically. He doesn’t say anything as he and the others lead me out to the living room, where I’m shocked to see a plethora of food.
I don’t hesitate as I sit down on one of the sofas. Emerson passes me a plate and cutlery before taking a seat beside me. We devour the food as we catch up with one another. They let me know that Uncle Sol had called in temporary firefighters from the city to work today, just so they could come to check on me. I appreciated that even if I didn’ t admit it.
Once all the food was gone, we decided to head out to do a bit of fishing. Much like Angel, they were confused about why I didn’t keep the fish instead of tossing them back. I took the time to explain to them everything as I had explained to her, and although Kentrell and Jed still thought it was strange, Emerson understood.
“We all need a hobby to keep our minds off stressful situations and anxiety-inducing thoughts,” he nodded as he looked out over the lake. “Mine is skating.”
“Skating?” I asked, genuinely shocked. He nodded before turning to me with a smile. “Since when?”
“Well, I’ve always loved skating since I was younger,” he admitted. “The rink in my hometown was like a safe haven for queer kids like me. It was one of the few things that brought joy to my depressing ass life, especially after I came out to my parents, and they disowned me on the spot. The owners at the rink never treated me differently because I was trans or pan. They never treated any of us any differently and constantly supported us. They’re the ones that told me about Tucker.”
“Really?”
“Yeah,” he nods with a smile. “Honestly, at first, I thought it was a myth. A progressive small town where queer Black and Brown folks are the majority? That was some shit you read in fiction books. So, imagine my surprise when I finally moved here after graduating from college and realized how real it was. I love it here. However, it would be even better if y’all had a rink so I wouldn’t have to drive an hour to s kate.”
He laughs, and I join in because he was right. Although this town had a lot going for it, we still didn’t have as many entertainment venues as they did in the big city or the next town. If we wanted to play mini golf or skate or see a movie that wasn’t at the local drive-in, we had to travel to do so. I mean, Tucker was still a fairly new town, just making fifty-five this year. We had a ways to go, but we were getting there.
“Well, I’m glad you found your way down here,” I assure him with a smile.
“Right, because now I don’t have to suffer alone whenever Jed’s tone-deaf ass tries to hold a tune,” Kentrell jokes, causing Jed to roll his eyes.
“Aye, y’all stay playing with me, but I could’ve very well been a popular K-Pop idol by now had my parents moved back to Korea when I was in high school,” he argues, but we all fall out laughing.
“Man, they would’ve cut your ass as soon as you hit the first note,” I tease. “K-Pop idol, my ass.”
“Man, whatever. Y’all don’t see the vision,” he grumbles, waving him off. He sighs deeply before turning to me. “Phee, how long until the action happens?”
“You can’t rush fishing, Jed,” I chuckle, shaking my head. “It’s all about patience, my friend.”
“Did Angel like this when you brought her out here that one time?” He asks me skeptically. All I could do was smile and nod at the memory.
“Oh, sh e loved it,” I chuckled. “I mean, at first she was hesitant, but she loved learning about the things that I enjoy, and we ended up having a great time.”
“That woman really loves you,” Emerson smiles. “Y’all were really made for each other.”
“Yeah,” I say, smiling to myself. “That’s my soul, and...”
My heart beats wildly against my chest as that craving starts to build up in my chest. It turned into an ache, and I knew that I’d spent too long away from the love of my life. I look around as they’re all waiting for me to continue. The more I think about it, the more I realize that it was time for me to head back. Fuck waiting until tomorrow.
“And it’s time for this little retreat to end,” I say, standing. “Come on, let’s go.”
“Wait, what about the fish?” Kentrell asks as I begin to reel in my line. They all follow suit.
“Honestly, fuck them fish. I miss my girlfriend, and now I’m anxious to see her, so let’s go. Fuck a break.”
They laugh and take turns teasing me as we head back to the shore. I pack all of my things and make sure all of the lights and appliances are turned off or unplugged. After locking up, I toss my bag into my truck and usher Nori into the passenger seat. My stomach was doing flips as we rode back toward Tucker.
I couldn’t wait to see my Angel.
My Sweets.