10. Silas
TEN
SILAS
AGE SEVENTEEN
The leather cut was too big on me, but I knew it was pointless to say anything about it. Dirk, the president, was a tall man, built thick as a tree with faded ink all over his body. His glare landed on the patch sewn in under my name.
“That going to be a problem for my club?”
I knew which one he was talking about, but I wasn’t sure how to answer him. At only seventeen I should be a prospect, especially considering my lack of involvement with the Death Raiders since living on club property.
I had no desire to join this club, in any capacity, but this past summer took my remaining freedom, soaked it in red and painted a target on my back. A beacon of warning straight from my father, who happened to be proud as hell. The name on my cut wouldn’t have any power unless it was on a patch and people started talking about it. I knew my father had plans to force me into his club, the Destroyers.
Tactically it made more sense to hide among the ranks of a lesser evil in the Death Raiders.
I should have known my father would have contacted Dirk and told him about my new moniker .
Dirk’s silver brows came together in concern, bringing me back to his question.
“No, sir.”
“If I need your services, you’ll be at my disposal as long as Fable hasn’t requested you.”
My stomach bottomed out as I processed what this new name meant for me, and what it meant for those who had more power than me. I refused to be a pawn used to kill at will, but I was running out of options. I gave him a nod and slid my gaze to the side, seeing my mother wearing Dirk’s property patch.
Her dark hair was pulled back, so I had a clear view of her back, proudly proclaiming that she was now his property. Natty wouldn’t step foot inside the club and now my mother was dating the president. Something had happened, but I couldn’t piece together what, especially as neither my mother nor Natty would talk about it, so I searched for Dempsey.
I found him working at a local mechanic shop, still wearing his cut so he was still a part of the Death Raiders but his captain’s patch was gone.
He barely looked up from the interior of the hood when I approached him. The sound of tires being rotated and power tools echoed around us, but I made sure my voice was loud enough for him to hear me.
“What happened between you and my mother?”
Dempsey pulled a red rag out from his back pocket and let out a sigh as he moved around the car.
“Thought you hated me.”
I moved with him, shrugging. “Got over that after a while. Why is she with Dirk?”
Dempsey was clearly hurt over the situation. I could sense it in the way his shoulders were rigid, his mouth was tense, and his jaw was locked.
“All I know is I came home one day and she told me it was over. She got real emotional, cried a bunch but no matter how much I asked what the problem was, she just sobbed. Never told me. Just said we were over. I fought for her…I went to Dirk, and I fought for her, but…”
He trailed off, but he didn’t need to say anything more.
“That’s how you lost your captain’s patch? ”
He nodded, solemn and serious.
“Nearly took my life, but Sasha stepped up, started kissing him, distracted him…I don’t know why she’s with him, Silas, but I can tell you it’s not because she cares for him. Your mother hates that man with every single piece of her soul. I finally had to accept that your mother was always a survivor and this new relationship might just be part of her lasting…she’s planning something, or he’s a means to an end. Whatever it is, she’s doing it willingly.”
That didn’t fucking help ease my fears or worries even the slightest bit.
I shoved off the car and gave him a nod as I exited the garage.
That was two weeks ago, and with all the demands the club has put on me, I’ve barely had any time to see my mother or Natty. The former had essentially moved in with Dirk, leaving the house to me…well to us, but I hadn’t really been alone with Natty long enough to enjoy it.
I planned to change that tonight.
My initiation to the club was short since a few of us had pledged. The club was loud as the night went on, and I slipped out through the back door, heading home. I could see the fairy lights burning gold through my bedroom window. Natty had bought a shit ton of them over the summer and hung them all over my ceiling, along with green vines. It looked like something from a cheesy movie, but I’d never tell her to take them down, not when each light was a reminder of her.
Soft music played as I used my key to slip in through the back door. I shed my cut, leaving me in just a t-shirt, jeans, and motorcycle boots. Then ran a hand over my hair, wishing I’d showered earlier.
“Natty?”
“In here!” she called from the kitchen.
I found her at the island counter cutting vegetables. Her hair was tossed up into a bun with loose pieces framing her face, which made her blow a puff of air to move it out of her eyes.
A smile crept along my face, unbidden. A piece of sunshine breaking through the storm in my chest .
“Feel like I haven’t seen you since I got back.” I settled across from her as she chopped celery.
She kept her gaze down. “Been busy.”
The sound of the music filled the dead air, the house was stuffy and warm. Sweat rolled down her neck and gathered near her hairline.
Eyeing the kitchen window, which my mother always had open, I was curious at it being closed. In fact, all the windows were closed.
“How come you’ve shut all the windows?”
She kept chopping, keeping her gaze fixed on her dinner. “Sasha isn’t here. You weren’t either.”
“So?” I wasn’t following her logic.
With a sigh, she finally set down the knife, and in a deeper tone than what was natural for her, she mocked my words. “Caelum, first rule of not dying. Don’t be a fucking idiot. Don’t make it easy for anyone to break in.”
Oh.
“Forgot about that.” I rubbed my neck, feeling like shit.
“Mom hasn’t been sleeping here for a while then? How long have you been living with this heat?” I had been on the road, and in the club…in between jobs, so I hadn’t even slept here yet.
“It’s fine.” She turned away from me and dropped the celery into a large skillet.
It wasn’t though. Natty was trying to stay safe, and she seemed more worried than normal.
“Does this have anything to do with why you won’t step foot in the club?”
Her back was to me now, so I moved away from my spot and slowly came up behind her. I only hesitated for a single heartbeat before placing my hands on her hips and pulling her into my chest.
“What aren’t you telling me?”
I was terrified she’d reject me, but her hand came over mine, warm and solid. I closed my eyes and pinned my forehead to her shoulder, breathing her in. I’d wanted this for so long, to cross this line with her. To move us from platonic friends, and proverbial foster siblings to this, where I could touch her and tell her how she seemed to exist in my bloodstream .
She had been my obsession for as long as I could remember, and this moment of finally being able to hold her without fear of her slipping through my fingers had been something I’d been waiting for.
She let out the smallest sigh and leaned into me. “It’s nothing. I’m just trying to be smart, and I’ve been working, so I’m not here that often. When I am here, I want to be aware of things. You taught me that.”
Her finger stroked my hand, and I pulled her closer, hugging her to my chest.
“I missed you.”
She turned in my arms, and I reached forward to turn off the burner. Her green eyes were bright and full of something I’d seen a million times before but could never place.
“I missed you too. Are you going to tell me what he did this time?”
This again. She always asked and I always let her take some of my burden, but this time…as the new name began circulating, a deeper shame accompanied the truth I had to share.
“Not this time, Caelum. Please just let me keep it all inside this time,” I whispered, pinning my forehead to hers.
Her hands came up, stroking my back. “Maybe we’re at the age where you can show me in a different way, not using your words. You can pour that darkness into me, Silas. I can carry it. You can have me… in every way, you always have anyway.”
Hope sparked in my chest along with a deep longing that nearly robbed me of breath.
“Are you…are you sure?” My mouth was so close to hers, so close I could smell the cinnamon on her breath, and the way she smelled like new books, sunshine…and gunpowder, “You’ve been shooting?”
She nodded. “I practice every day, just like you trained me.”
My hands disappeared into her hair, towing her closer.
“And yes, Silas.” She wet her lips, watching mine. “I am sure.”
I pulled her chin up, not letting any more time slip by and pressed my mouth to hers. Her lips were soft, silky and perfect. She moved her mouth with mine, opening for me and twisting her hands up around my neck.
Our first kiss, and I couldn’t help smiling into it. She laughed, and then her tongue came out, tracing my bottom lip .
“Give me the rest, Silas. I want all of it.”
Her whispered demand went straight to my heart, like a hammer shattering all the rock around it.
I walked with her in my arms back to my room, laying her gently on the bed.
There, we shed our clothes, along with the casings of our souls, until we were completely exposed, openly surrendering to one another. I held her in my arms while I claimed fragments of her heart, fusing them with whatever was in her soul, and I absorbed it all into mine.
“Caelum,” I rasped, kissing her deeply, knowing it was a vow just as much as a plea. My lips trailed over her skin, memorizing every taste.
She was mine, and after taking all her firsts and offering her mine, I knew she would be for always.
She asked, hours later, when we were tangled together in the sheets. “Tell me why you call me it.”
“Call you what?”
I smiled, knowing what she was talking about but wanting to mess with her.
This truth, one I had realized couldn’t be more true if I were to ink it into my very marrow.
She pushed at my shoulder. “You know what.”
Caelum.
“You’re the closest I’ll ever get to heaven, to redemption or being found worthy. I look at you, and I see hope. Isn’t that all heaven is? Hope, eternity spent in the one place we can’t imagine living without? You’re that for me. You’re my religion, Natty. My place of worship and devotion. God wants nothing to do with me, but for some reason he still gave me you.”
Tears gleamed in her eyes as she stared up at me, the string of lights reflecting her emotions.
“You are good, Silas. You think you’re covered in all this darkness, but I see past that.”
With a scoff, I shook my head. “You’re the only one who ever did.”
Her warm fingers found my jaw, pulling my face back toward her. “You only need one person, Silas. I live in a world made up of two people who care for me. That’s enough. I don’t need more than that. ”
Fuck, it was hard to argue with her when she placed our lives side by side. I was never abandoned the way she was. I had never been handed to a man for payment…thankfully my mom was there and stopped anyone from hurting her. But it still happened. She had no one but us. It made me pull her closer, pressing a kiss to her shoulder.
“I want you to feel safe around here, and even come to the club for certain things.”
“Why? We’ve gone all this time without going…why change it now?”
She wasn’t going to like this, but it was too late.
“I patched in…”
She shifted so she could see me better. “As a prospect?”
I shook my head. “Dirk made an exception…I’m an official member, I have a rank.”
Natty was silent at that, so I was about to push on when she suddenly sat up. The sheets stayed in place as her golden brows dipped into her forehead.
“I want to see it…your cut…”
Something in me twisted uncomfortably. My head began shaking on instinct, but she shocked me by sliding out of bed, lightning fast, that sheet still wrapped around her.
I tried to move with her, but I fumbled out of bed, the remaining sheet catching around me, right as she walked back into the room with my leather cut.
She held it up with two hands, inspecting it.
“Wow…feels weird seeing it like this. Feeling it.”
I watched as she stroked over the patches, and my name…and my gut sank as she began tracing the letters under it.
“What is this one…The Roman?”
My mouth wouldn’t open. I couldn’t tell her.
I wouldn’t tell her.
Her head swiveled, her eyes pinning me down as she implored again, “What does it mean?”
“It’s just a nickname. Everyone gets one.”
Natty let her arms drop, as she ran her fingers over the patch one more time .
“When my property patch gets made up, I want that one on it. I want to be the property of The Roman.”
My heart flipped in my chest; a thousand fireflies released at the sight of that smile.
“What makes you think I’d patch you?” I couldn’t stop my smile as she sauntered back toward the bed.
“Novi omnia secreta tua.”
A burst of laughter left my chest. “You know all my secrets, huh?”
Her lips pressed into my sternum while she nodded.
“When you wear it, come around the club with me…it will give you protection and let everyone know you belong to me.” I pushed pieces of her hair back behind her perfect ears.
I could see she was still unsure, but after a few more lingering kisses, she relented.
“If your name is on my back, I’ll go.”
“Deal.” We fell back into the sheets and began kissing until our bodies tumbled back into a rhythm that was becoming familiar to us, two waves crashing together, creating a riptide.
The club was noisy and completely packed.
I had never really noticed how many patched members there were, but every place I seemed to turn, there was someone new. Natty was next to me, wearing my patch with my name on her back…including my new nickname. The insignia of the reaper in the middle.
Her hair was braided, pulled over her shoulder, so everyone had a clear view of who she belonged to. Music blared, uncomfortably loud as people partied around us. Within the week since talking to Natty about doing this, she seemed to be comfortable with the idea but now that she was here, she seemed tense as if she was worried about someone finding her.
Maybe it was her mother she was concerned about.
I had to focus on our surroundings, so I just pulled her close and draped my arm over her to ensure she was safe. We joked with a few prospects our age, laughing and even playing pool. We ate some food, and Natty drank a diet coke while watching the mayhem unfold around us. She didn’t seem bothered by it, or really surprised by anything that happened, yet she was still jumpy anytime someone shouted or came up behind us.
She was tucked into my side when there was suddenly a familiar face in the crowd, his smirk so annoyingly confident that I wanted to punch it right off his mouth.
“Big brother.” Alec dipped his head, then his eyes traveled to Natty and his entire body froze. “Wow…so you two are,” he stammered, as if he were truly astonished by the fact that we were together.
Natty gripped my hand. “You seem surprised that we are.”
Alec’s eyes narrowed, but his smile grew. “Not at all…I knew it was only a matter of time. I just assumed that perhaps you’d realize what a fucking psycho my brother is and not want to touch him with a...” He snapped his fingers, as if he couldn’t remember.
Addressing me, he asked, “What’s that saying again? Wouldn’t touch it with a ten-foot cross, was that how it went?”
Natty’s gaze slid up to mine, her brows folded in. “Is he drunk?”
Alec moved closer. “I see you’re proudly wearing his new nickname on your back, he explain then how he got it?”
Fuck.
“Alec, just leave it?—”
“Well, well, well,” a new voice boomed from beside us, revealing Dirk and his inner circle. “It’s Fable’s sons…The Roman and The Wrangler.”
Fear spiraled through my chest, reeling so fast that I was afraid I was going to throw up. I wanted to push Natty behind me, shield her from what she was about to learn but something else happened then. Something that didn’t seem right. Dirk’s eyes tapered, as if he just registered who was in front of him. He stepped closer to Natty, and she quickly stepped back.
They knew each other.
How the fuck did they know each other?
“I see you’ve patched a fawn.” Dirk clicked his tongue, his fingers were out as if he were about to touch Natty’s hair. His eyes gleamed with lust, an unnatural hunger reflecting there. Alec stepped to the left, blocking Dirk’s view of Natty, as if he sensed it as well.
I spoke softly, keeping my eyes on Dirk. “Natus redi ad domum cum Alec et ibi mane, donec veniam ad te.”
Natty, go back to the house with Alec and stay there until I come for you.
She didn’t hesitate. She moved behind Alec and tugged his sleeve until he’d caught on to what I’d told her. He gave me one glance from over his shoulder before he followed her.
Dirk was about to say something as he trailed Natty’s exit, but my mother suddenly appeared. She handed Dirk a beer, and then whispered something in his ear. His hands came down, grabbing her ass roughly and pulling her closer. I looked away because I refused to watch my mother get treated like that.
Pushing through the crowd, I headed back across the club, veering for an exit. My mother’s hand was on my elbow moments later, pulling me into a small alcove.
“What in the hell do you think you’re doing?”
I remained silent, watching as her dark eyes sharpened. Her arms came down over her chest, and she took two steps closer.
“Why did you bring Natty in here, and why the fuck did you give her a patch?”
“I joined this fucking club as a way to stay out of my father’s.”
She shook her head, her jaw moving as she lowered her voice.
“That is not what I’m questioning. I am asking why you gave Natty a patch, and why she was physically in this club?”
Why was she acting like she didn’t know how I felt about Natty? She was the one who used to tell me to be careful and not to scare her off. She has always known how the two of us feel for each other.
“You always knew I was going to be with her.”
My mother clicked her tongue. “Yes, fine. I knew that, but why did you bring her into the club?”
I was starting to get a headache. With a heavy sigh, I said, “Why don’t you cut the shit, and just tell me what the fuck is going on?”
She paused, staring at the spot behind my head as if she was trying to decide the right way to say her peace.
“You can’t afford to be distracted, Silas. You know I love Natty. I adore her, but the things Fable is asking you to do…don’t make her a target, Son. Just focus on training. Use this club as a means to gain allies, and a wall of sorts to stand behind while you learn.”
I didn’t want to do this with her right now.
I was happy.
For the first time in such a long fucking time, I was waking up with a smile on my face. Natty’s presence, in my bed, next to my heart each day, was like waking up with a clean soul. It was addictive, and something I refused to live without. I wasn’t good enough to spare her from becoming a target.
“You need to let this go…for years you’ve pushed it, but you’re pushing too hard.” I went to move past her, but she gently grabbed me by the shoulders.
“Son, I love you. But I know your father, and whatever horrors you’ve seen so far is nothing compared to what he will turn you into. You have to keep your head clear, you only have one more year where he’ll continue to take you, if that. Now that you’re patched here with his permission, it may be Dirk who pulls the strings.”
I scowled, feeling exasperated. “Then it’s a good thing I have you pulling Dirk’s, isn’t it?”
Her face twisted with malice, and I instantly felt like shit. My mother did things with a purpose behind them. The very fact that she was with Dirk meant she likely had an end game; whatever it was, I trusted her with it.
“Dirk will only be distracted for a few months, maybe a year if I’m extra vigilant…he’ll move on and he will notice what you’re doing or what you aren’t doing. Do not bring attention to Natty, and if you can help it, stay in the shadows, stay in the background for as long as you can.”
That darkness appeared to seep back in. A web of evil I couldn’t seem to outrun.
My mother seemed to know I was done. She moved to the side, keeping her arms folded in tight. I made my way out through the back and moved to the house, coming in through the garden. The first thing that set me on edge was the laughter.
I could hear Natty’s sweet giggle from outside the gate, which meant she had the windows open. So, she felt safe with Alec…and confident enough that he’d keep her protected.
My boots padded softly in the dirt, soundlessly so neither of them knew I was near the window. I stopped short when I heard Alec speak up.
“Seriously though, you aren’t the least bit curious where his new nickname came from?”
Natty let out an exaggerated sigh. I could see her through the window, balancing on her forearms, while Alec sat on a stool, both of them picking at a pan of French fries between them.
“He’ll tell me eventually.”
Alec scoffed, dipping his fry in sauce. “I don’t think he will.”
My gut twisted because he was right. I’d never tell her how I had earned the title, The Roman.
Natty paused, toying with the ketchup bottle.
“Do you really think it will make that big of a difference to me?”
My stupid brother leaned closer, touching the leather cut still on her shoulders. “You’re wearing his patch, so yeah…figured you were the kind of person who would care about something like this.”
“Fine, tell me.” Natty gave up, stretching while letting go of the bottle and pushing her hands through her hair.
I could go in and interrupt, stop Alec from telling her, but some dark and twisted part of me wanted him to do the dirty work. I wanted to watch her face when she learned what sort of monster I truly was. I wanted her to face it and test that eternal sunshine that seemed to be setting in her chest.
Alec leaned in, arms folded on the counter.
I held my breath.
“Silas was given the nickname, The Roman, because of how he chose to torture our father’s enemies. We were each given a choice…a gun to the back of the head, a hammer to the eye, a carving project with knives…”
Natty went very still, but softly asked, “Which did you choose?”
My brother seemed caught off guard by her question, but he answered just the same.
“Gun to the head. The only form that wasn’t torture. ”
He wasn’t explaining the other piece to that…how he’d put that gun to the head of our target’s families. It was torture in the worst way imaginable.
“And Silas?” Natty asked, her voice so sweet and light, it felt like an angel was sitting there with a demon, discussing the loss of souls.
Alec’s lips twisted to the side. “Silas chose to crucify his victims. He thought that up all on his own, and our father completely loved it.”
Hating myself wasn’t enough, I knew I didn’t deserve Natty but like fuck was I going to share her with anyone else. I left my perch near the window and opened the back door, alerting them both to my presence.
Alec’s gaze stayed on Natty as I entered, but hers immediately jumped to me, her gaze prodding and searching me for any damage. I saw relief flitter through her gaze when she realized I was fine.
“Get the fuck out,” I said to my brother while slipping out of my boots and cut.
He laughed, shaking his head. “How about, ‘thank you, Alec, for watching over my friend.’”
Natty watched the interaction between us, her eyes shrewd and calculating.
Turning toward him, I smiled showing my teeth. “That patch on her back make it seem like she’s just my friend? She’s mine, and I think you fucking know that. She has been since we were kids, and I won’t thank you for doing something I knew you’d enjoy.”
His gaze moved to Natty’s briefly before he stood from his stool.
“Till next time, Artemis.” He gave her a salute and then left through the front door.
“I hate that nickname.” She exhaled and then gave me a smile. “You were by the window listening.”
I kept my face expressionless as I flicked off the light for the kitchen and we moved into the bedroom. We still had the twin we were both squeezing on, but it was perfect. She was perfect.
She shut the door and slipped out of her clothes, pulling on one of my t-shirts.
“So tell me then.”
“Tell you what?” I stretched out, wearing just my boxers, while I stared at the ceiling. The lights were off, so just the fragments of light from outside filtered in. She crawled in next to me, so I began stroking her back. I tried to imagine us in a different life. One where I’d snuck into Natty’s window, her loving family asleep but protective of her. Her going to high school like a normal seventeen-year-old. Me following her through the halls, obsessed with her. Her dad warning me off. Her mom loving me, sneaking me dinner before Natty’s dad came home from work.
I gave the ceiling a sad smile.
Her fingers brushed over my neck. “Tell me why you chose crucifixion. I know you, Silas. There’s a reason you chose it.”
“What if I chose it because I’m sick and twisted inside?”
She hummed, caressing my jaw. “Perhaps, but I think there’s something else.”
It was a waste of our time pretending, so I filled my chest with air and then let it all out, praying she’d still want me once I spilled my truth.
“I didn’t want them to die. The gun to the head would have killed them faster, but they’d still die. The knives would have only been allowed if they’d passed from the blood loss. Every option my father presented ended in death. I thought of something, anything that would be so outrageous that my father would leave it alone. I couldn’t imagine how badly it would hurt to be nailed to a piece of wood, but in the end, after I came back and let them down, they’d still have their lives. I should have known my father better…after the first few that I’d done, he’d patted me on the back. I walked away, setting a timer on my phone for when I could circle back, but he called me back to finish it.”
It was a cruel joke.
A fucking test.
But Fable had been so thrilled, so fucking excited.
“My father loved the new tactic so much, he started giving me more people to target. I began crucifying my father’s enemies, and in doing so, I became The Roman.”
A tear from Natty’s cheek slid against my chest as she whispered, “Tantum tenebris.”
So much darkness.
I felt my own eyes begin to burn as the reality of how my life had changed, set in. How I’d been forced to become a murderer. An executioner. Now I had this perfectly pure person next to me, and she was seeing all of it. One day there would be someone better, someone whole, and they would show her that this life we lived was fucked up.
Her body moved closer, her hand wrapping around mine until she was pulling it up to her lips. “You belong to me, Silas Silva. No matter what you do, no matter how he tries to indoctrinate you with his darkness, at your core, you’re pure light. I’ll be here reminding you of that for as long as you want me.”
A tear slipped down the side of my face as I tried to swallow past the lump in my throat.
Eventually I was able to say the only thing I could think of.
“Forever, Caelum. I’ll want you for that long, and then longer when the devil demands my soul.”
She kissed my chest. “He can’t have what belongs to me.”