14. Natty
FOURTEEN
NATTY
PRESENT
The smell of freshly baked bread filled my lungs, making my nerves settle and a smile stretch on my face. My apron was in its usual spot, even after all the devastation and the explosions, Red had hung it right back where it had always been.
The fabric was black, and soft as I pulled it from the hook and tied it around my waist.
“Figured you would be back in here as soon as you got home,” Red said, coming up from behind me. She set a hand on my shoulder and squeezed.
I fought back the urge to cry at how good it felt to have a place that felt like home. People who loved me like family. A place that held something as simple as an apron for me.
“Still baking bread, I see?” I felt a little strange saying it. Only a few days had passed since the explosions, my abduction and yet it felt like everything had changed. Red had been baking loaves of bread for months now, nonstop. No one really knew why, or what was behind it, but the clubhouse constantly smelled like heaven.
Red gave me a small smile, but it didn’t reach her eyes.
“I ever tell you about my kids? ”
I fell into familiar rhythm as I dusted the surface with flour and then checked the canisters to see if they’d been replaced.
Flour.
White Sugar.
Brown Sugar.
“You have never mentioned your kids to me, Red,” I mused while sifting through the smaller spices. I was in the mood to make snickerdoodles.
Red paused, wrapping one of her loaves with cellophane.
It was nearly six in the morning; no one but the two of us were awake. Silas was still asleep in my bed, and while I should have stayed there, curled into his side, there was something itching under my skin to get up and get back to my life. I had no delusions that his sudden appearance for the sake of my rescue meant he’d stick around. The last thing I wanted was to let my guard down.
“That’s because I don’t have any.”
My hands froze around the cream of tartar; my head dipped as I processed what she was trying to say.
With a heavy sigh, Red started working on a new batch of dough, her gaze on the cutting board.
“About six months ago, I woke up in the middle of the night standing outside in my nightgown. I was holding Brooks’ leather jacket as if it was a baby, and I was so angry with him that he nearly couldn’t calm me down.”
I twisted toward her; my throat dry.
A tiny piece of white hair fell from her updo as she worked out the dough, rolling it with her hands.
“I was screaming and crying for a child I never had. I was convinced I was a mother, Natty. To my very bones. I still have nightmares at night over the feelings of loss, as if I’m grieving something I never even had.”
I had no idea what that must feel like, but my heart hurt for her.
“What did you do?” I whispered, gently setting the ingredient down, fully engrossed.
“Brooks took me to the doctor; they said it was a sign of onset Alzheimer’s. When the doctor told me it would only get worse, something inside me just snapped. I knew my mother’s mother had it, and there was a chance I might get it, but to have my brain betray me into thinking I had children…to have kids that I grieved, that, in my mind, I loved. Only to realize it’s just my brain playing tricks on me…I felt betrayed in the deepest sense of the term.”
I wanted to cry from how broken she sounded. I hated how useless it felt to just stand there and listen to something so devastating. I inspected the floor, unsure of what to say, but Red filled the silence.
“It took a week for me to get out of bed, to wrap my mind around the fact that I was literally going to lose it. Then I decided to start doing something every day, so repetitive that there would be no way to forget.”
Oh no. The bread, it finally made sense.
“Red, that’s not how?—”
She looked up, her gaze on mine. “But it’s working…I feel like my mind is stronger, like my memory is going to be okay. Every day I bake bread, and it seems so simple, but it’s helping me, Natty. I stopped thinking about the incident, and instead, I have started thinking about how many people we can feed with something as simple as a loaf of bread.”
She glanced up at me then returned her focus to the dough. “I don’t need pity, honey. I just haven’t shared that with anyone, and now that you’re back…if something were to happen, or if I have an episode or…” Her voice hitched, and I moved.
Leaving the counter, I wrapped my arms around her in a tight hug.
“I’m here, Red. For anything you need, we’ve got you.”
She silently cried into my shoulder for only a few moments until she sniffed and pulled back. Then it was as if nothing happened. Her smile was back in place, her no nonsense attitude as she bumped my hip.
“You might not be around here much longer now that your man has come for you.”
A tiny twist rooted deep in my chest. He’d only came for me because I’d been taken, not because he was finally ready for us to be together.
“I’ll be around. I’m not leaving.” I returned to my station, trying to hold in the storm of emotions battering my chest.
Red watched me with narrowed eyes.
But she didn’t say anything else, and that was one reason I loved working in the kitchen with her. She knew when to drop a subject. We worked next to one another in peace for another hour until we heard the front door of the club open, and then there were thumps on the stairs leading down to the main room.
I watched with apprehension as Silas made his way to the bar. His light eyes found mine immediately. He didn’t say anything, but I knew he was wondering why I’d left him in bed without a word. The way his gaze traveled down my apron to where my hands were dusted with flour had my face heating.
Killian and Laura walked up to the bar, then Harris and Brooks. Each of them seemed to give Silas a wide berth, which made me smirk.
He gave me one last once-over before moving around the bar and making his way into the kitchen. Red clicked her tongue, in a warning.
“No one is allowed back here?—”
Silas didn’t even give her a single glance; he just kept walking until he was directly in front of me.
Whispering in my ear, he said. “Dolemus, sed praecepta tua mihi irrumabo significant cum uxor mea hic adest, hoc modo vultus.” Sorry, but rules mean fuck to me when my wife is in here, looking like this.
My eyes fluttered shut as his hand came up to my jaw, gripping it firmly as he leaned into my space and pressed his mouth to mine.
He would have just announced to everyone that we were married, if he hadn’t whispered it. The memory of when we’d gotten married burned in my chest as more of a warning than a cherished reminder. The reality that he hadn’t even asked me. Not technically…it was me who pushed to be bound to him.
Just like always .
I tried to push those memories away as his mouth moved over mine, as his tongue pried my lips open and he claimed me in ways I hadn’t been touched in years.
Finally breaking the kiss, his forehead came to mine, his whisper coasting across my lips.
“I was hoping you’d be in bed this morning.”
My hands came up, twining through his hair, old places where I’d etched every part of Silas inside my heart ached at the feel of him. “I’m a baker, babe. I’m up before the sun. ”
He played with the straps of my apron, and whispered. “You are the sun.”
Just like that, I felt sixteen again, obsessed and head over heels for my broody foster brother.
A smile lifted my lips, as I thought up something more to say, but Killian interjected by yelling across the kitchen from his spot at the bar.
“We ever going to get to hear what happened with Fable? Can you guys press pause and clue us in?”
Silas let out a small sigh and then whispered in my ear, “Is this what having friends is like?”
I smiled and pulled his hand in mine.
“Yes, baby. This is what having friends is like, now let’s go have breakfast with them.”
We ate breakfast without anyone throwing a punch or drawing a gun, which, with Silas, I considered a big win. He didn’t have friends, or anyone in the club that was fond of him in any capacity, so I was unsure how everyone was going to receive him, but it went well.
Once we were finished, Killian was talking to Silas about something when Laura pulled my hand, dragging me toward an empty corner of the kitchen.
Her blonde hair was down, curled, and her property patch, indicating she belonged with Killian, was over her hoodie.
“Nat, are you okay?” Her eyes softened and even watered a little.
I flicked a quick glance across the room, seeing Silas watching us with a quizzical look on his face.
“I’m okay…” I said, pushing back the memory of last night’s breakdown.
Laura’s lips turned down into a frown.
“Killian is going to bring up what happened, and I refuse to let him do that if you’re not ready to talk about it. Fuck their plans and what they want to know. They can wait until you’re ready.”
I watched as her expression became so protective and it just made something in my soul ache. Instead of answering her, I stepped forward and pulled her into a hug.
“I’m not okay yet. But I will be and stopping that asshole will be a step in that direction.”
She squeezed me back. “If at any moment you need to stop, just say the word, okay?”
We separated, both of us swiping at our eyes, and then she surprised me by saying, “Pen forced Silas to hold Connor.”
My eyes rounded. “Oh my god.”
She laughed into her palm. “It was hilarious but so cute.”
“Tell me you snuck a picture.” I quickly looked over my shoulder to make sure Silas wasn’t on his way over.
Laura was watching too as she pulled her phone out. “Of course I did. I planned to show you the second you showed up.”
The fact that she had faith that I would show up moved me.
“You guys thought I’d be okay?”
Laura paused, giving me a confused look. “Girl, we had maps and security footage. We found you because of Pen. I guess her mom dated someone from Sons of Speed or something but she remembered one of the locations.”
Her phone came up, and on the screen was an image of Laura’s living room, Silas standing there in his cut, his dark jeans and black boots, staring down at Connor all bundled up in a deep green muslin blanket.
Seeing Silas holding a baby was like a live wire hitting me in the ovaries.
Holy shit.
I mentally pinned that image to dream board material because suddenly the idea of having kids with my husband wasn’t something that felt too far out of reach. The image came and went within a single second but still hit me harder than a brick.
A small cottage, the bedroom window open with the curtains shifting from the summer breeze. Silas standing there without any leather, or cut… our son held to his shoulder, while he patted his back and reciting poems and stories that he’d learned as a child in that soothing tone of his.
Laura whispered, “One of these days you’re going to have to explain your relationship to me, because if I didn’t know better I’d say he acted like you were his?—”
“You both ready?” Killian interrupted us with a gentle hand on Laura’s shoulder.
We both looked up from the phone, as if we were guilty of something. He looked down at the phone and smirked.
“She tell you about our little search party for you?”
I moved with them toward the main hall. “I heard.”
What I didn’t say was how it made me feel that they cared enough to arrange it. Or that Pen was the one who located me, or that Laura had known I’d want a photo of Silas with Connor. She had no reason to entertain me or my relationship with the man who had held her at gunpoint and threatened her life. She had done it for me.
Silas was the president of a motorcycle club.
He had people loyal to him, and I’d never begrudge him that, but these were my people.
The Stone Riders was my home, and after two years of hiding here, I had finally accepted that this was where I was meant to be.
For as long as I could remember that had always been Silas…wherever he was. I was happy to just tag along, run in his footprints, land where he’d lead. Now, I wanted my own path…even if it meant soldering that hole in my heart that he’d left me with.
I’d been bleeding out for two long years…maybe it was time to bind it, and let it scar.
We were seated in a room I’d never been in before.
The Stone Riders called it Church, their place to meet and discuss…I’d seen them disappear a thousand times into this room, but I’d never been inside it. Silas held me in his lap, his hand protectively over my stomach, almost like he was afraid I’d disappear any second.
Killian glanced at Laura briefly, who gave him a small nod.
I assumed that was their way of discussing my mental preparedness for this conversation .
“Walk us through what you heard, what was told to you.”
Killian’s voice was calm, but there was a cold edge to it. Wes had arrived with Callie, so had Penelope and Jameson. Harris was next to Pen, holding Connor. Brooks and Rune were on the end. I missed Giles. I was happy that he’d taken over his cousin’s club, now the president of the Chaos Kings, but I still missed his smiles and happy demeanor.
I watched everyone’s gaze drift over to where I sat, most of their focus fell on the man holding me, which helped me find my voice.
I rubbed my hand over the one holding my stomach and cleared my throat.
“Fable and Alec are working together…but Fable is the one with the plan, pulling the strings. Alec is his lap dog, does whatever Fable says.”
Wes glared at Killian, then peered over at Jameson as if they were all silently speaking. I ignored it and kept talking.
“From what I gathered, Fable wants Silas distracted. He was hoping my abduction would have him so distracted that he’d be able to take the Death Raiders from him. Or at least that’s the story they tried to sell me.”
“So he didn’t want to hurt you?” Penelope asked, wincing the smallest bit. “I mean that wasn’t his purpose for taking you.”
I shook my head. “He would have, and threatened it, but he gave me over to Alec…”
Silas’s grip tightened around my stomach.
With a shuddery breath, I tried to continue, but Wes asked, “What do you mean by gave you over to Alec, did he separate from Fable? Just trying to figure out if there are multiple locations.”
The hand moving along my spine froze and I felt Silas move so he crowded my back.
“Fable wanted me alive, out of the way…he has plans for Silas, that much I know. It’s all about him. Alec has…well he had affections for me from when we were younger. He?—”
Shit, maybe I couldn’t say it.
It was as simple as saying I was handcuffed to another human for four days and was emotionally manipulated, while being sexually assaulted .
But I couldn’t seem to say a single word.
“He treated you okay?” Laura asked quietly, tentatively while glancing at Callie and Pen.
Her words were soft, but they felt like road rash, gravel sliding under my skin, burning in a way that made me feel like I’d never be okay again.
The answer was burning in my throat, to explain what he’d done, but with everyone’s eyes on me, I couldn’t.
“Non hic Caelum.” Not here, Heaven.
I sunk into Silas’s chest and took a deep breath. Everyone in the room must have realized I wasn’t ready to talk about it because Killian spoke up.
“Was there anyone else there that you can remember?”
My eyes flew up.
“Yes.” I looked over my shoulder, trying to see Silas, but I was sitting too close. “Silas was supposed to tell you.”
Killian leaned forward, waiting for me to continue, while glancing back at Silas.
This time I adjusted myself so I could make eye contact. “You said you would tell him.”
His hand idly slid up my back, where he toyed with the ends of my hair.
“Said I would once you were settled. You’re not settled.”
I let out an exasperated sound. “Silas, I can’t be?—”
“Can you just tell me?” Killian interrupted; an angry edge set to his jaw.
“Yes, sorry. There was a woman named Rachel there…she showed me kindness and didn’t seem to be there completely of her own free will. I’d like to go back and look for her.”
The president of the Stone Riders stared at me with a bewildered expression until something in his gaze shifted. He glanced quickly over at Laura and then back at me.
“Rachel? Did she…” He paused, as if he was too nervous to continue. “Was she,” he tried again, this time his throat working—his Adam’s apple moving .
I nodded as my own emotions began to grow thick in my throat. My eyes burned and I wished there weren’t so many people in this room right now.
Killian stared, his eyes going wide until he breathed a simple, “how?”
“We didn’t get to talk much, but she tried to help me the first night I was there…she made me a little escape bag…but I wasn’t given the chance to use it.”
Laura placed her hand over Killian’s, gripping it firm as tears began welling in his eyes.
It was Wes who spoke up, ordering men around.
“Rune, get a team prepped, we’re heading back out immediately.”
Rune jumped up, along with the other members around the table, all but Wes, Jameson and Killian, and filed out of the room.
Laura waited until they were gone and cleared her throat and asked me, “Are you sure?”
I could understand her desire to protect the man she loved; she didn’t want to get his hopes up.
“I’m positive.” I glanced back over at Killian. “She has your eyes, mentioned you…said she only ever wanted you to be happy.”
Laura’s lip wobbled, her chin quivered and then she was out of her chair and throwing herself into Killian’s lap, whispering something in his ear. He buried his face in her neck as he held her to him, and he murmured something back.
It seemed the rest of us wanted to give them a moment of privacy, so we all stood and exited the room. Silas was at my back, his hand guiding me as we walked. Penelope came up next to me and wrapped her arm around mine.
“We need to catch up. Connor needs some more stuffed penises, care to teach me how to create those masterpieces?”
I broke into a laugh as Silas asked from behind me, “You knit stuffed penises?”
“Look what you’ve done, Pen, you started a rumor!” I joked, swatting her side.
She laughed into my shoulder. “They’re supposed to be squids according to her, but they don’t look it. Just think one day you two might have kids, and your entire nursery will look very phallic. ”
I nearly started choking at Silas picturing a nursery full of squished penises, but more than that, us having a kid. We were married; it shouldn’t feel that insane to imagine, but it did.
The silence at my back was loud enough to make the swooping in my gut feel like a failed nose dive from a plane.
Silas would never want that…he had his club, and no doubt he’d be after Fable now that he was back, just like he had been all our lives.
Penelope flicked a glance over her shoulder, obviously catching on to the awkwardness of the moment. I didn’t look, but whatever she saw had her lips pursing and her grip going slack.
“Well, when you’re free, why don’t you come over to my house and you can see Connor. We’ll go to that pond you love so much in the back.”
“Sure, sounds good.” I squeezed her hand and she walked ahead of us, exiting the club while Silas led me to the stairs, and we headed back up to my room.
Once we were inside, I walked to the sink and started rooting around for cleaning supplies. It had only been days, but I just felt so weird and out of place…like I needed to reset. Silas walked past me, heading toward my bookshelf, where he picked up one of the small plush squids I had knitted.
I assumed maybe he’d comment on the way it looked like a penis like Pen had, but he cradled it like it was precious and then he gently set it back in place and moved on to one of my framed photos. It was of Penelope, Callie, Laura and me at The Hollow. It was after Laura had sung a full set, taking the entire night for herself. Her fans requested it, and we were all so proud of her.
“I’ve been in your room several times. I’ve looked through your things, and I’ve never noticed these things.” He turned toward me, looking lost. “Not with context.”
“And what does having context help with?”
“Knowing you.”
I laughed, dropping my chin to my chest. “Silas, you know me better than anyone.”
He was in front of me when I lifted my gaze again, his eyes softening as he reached forward and tugged one of my curls until it wrapped around his finger .
“I know the old you, Natty. I don’t know this version of who you are now. You wake up before anyone else, and bake for fun, you knit tiny creatures that resemble dicks, you have friends that would die for you…”
I stepped closer to him until my forehead pressed into his chin, and his hands came around my waist.
“I still catch frogs…I just do it in Pen’s fancy pond. Much to her dismay and annoyance.”
He pressed a kiss to the side of my head. “Why does it bother her?”
“Because I force her to catch them with me…guess I don’t like doing it alone after growing up with a partner.”
He hummed and held me while the day began unfolding outside with vibrant colors of blue and gold. Silas must have opened my shades this morning because the natural light in my room was generous.
“You opened my shades this morning?” My hands came up around his neck.
Silas froze, and in the stiffness of his back and rushed breath that hit my neck, I knew.
I knew he hadn’t opened them.
I knew someone had been in my room.
More than anything, I knew Silas would be leaving me again.
We disconnected abruptly, Silas lightly shoving me behind him. His phone was out, dialing someone. Killian and Wes were off locating Rachel, so I wasn’t sure who he was reaching out to.
“Get me Garrison,” was all he muttered into his phone while walking toward the window that sat over my bed. He pocketed his phone and I stood there feeling foolish for momentarily forgetting that he had an entire club that he was still president of.
I followed closely behind Silas until my knees hit my bed, and I could see through the glass. I wouldn’t have noticed it at first, but there, stuck to the pane was a white piece of paper taped with a clear piece of tape.
Silas peeled it off and inspected it, his face growing pale as he did.
“What? What is it?” My hope was that Pen had managed to come in here and left me something sarcastic.
But he turned, face grim, and when he finally looked at me, it was with that same look of despair he had that night we were in Wes and Callie’s house. The night he’d shown up, scared for my safety. He’d called me down and I ran to him; it was the first time in two years that he’d called for me. I was in his arms, and I felt his tremors, his fear soaking into every fiber of my being. It was after Fable nailed a picture of me to his door…a door I had no knowledge of. Apparently Silas had a home somewhere, not even I knew of.
I stepped forward and plucked the note from his hand before he could deter me.
The note was written in black pen, and the words were simple but managed to erode my confidence in this thin veil of safety I assumed I had here in the club.
You took my sons’ hearts.
One lost his hand.
The other seems to have lost his mind.
You owe me a legacy…
I haven’t decided if I just want to end you by carving out your heart or fuck you and fill your womb with another heir.
Either way, you’re mine.
See you soon, daughter.
I dropped the note and took a step back; my lungs felt tight, and I couldn’t seem to get in enough air.
“Natty.” Silas stepped forward, but I withdrew.
How did I get air?
Silas was speaking again, but I couldn’t hear him.
“He was in my room.” I was on the floor, my knees up and leaning against something hard. Arms came around me, holding me tight. Lips pressed into my hair .
“I will find him.” Silas rocked me, but all I could see was that note, and Fable’s eyes when he struck that table with the knife back when he’d taken me and began demanding answers about my name. Of course he had known the whole time. He wanted me to confirm it, and then use it against me.
Silas was still speaking, something soothing, but his words didn’t penetrate the panic clawing through my chest cavity. It was so intense, and it burned.
“He’s going to find me, Silas. He knows where I sleep. He’s been in here.”
My space. My safe place.
Where was I supposed to go? What was I supposed to do?
A white cottage with a fenced-in backyard, a patch of green grass.
“I know, baby, but this is still the safest place for you. I’ll tell Killian, and he’ll reinforce the club. I’ll send Death Raiders to fix this. You’ll be protected at all times.”
Something in my brain was misfiring because his words should be bringing me comfort, but there was a rope untethering, one knot at a time. Wasn’t this what people did with panicked animals? They spoke softly, promising a better future, while they removed anything that had once connected them.
“No, it…I don’t want that, I want you.” My words were rushed, my eyes closed as I continued to breathe.
Silas didn’t speak; he just continued to hold me.
“They’ll be the best of the best, Caelum. I’ll be back…but I have to find him. I have to.”
No. Don’t leave me. Don’t go. Not again.
I wanted to say it, to beg it, but somewhere deep down refused to give him those words. Not when he’d take them and bottle them, only to do what he saw was best in the end. I used to think it was the war always brewing in his blood that kept us apart, but now I saw it for what it was.
A vendetta with his father…and what was the absolute worst part of this, was I didn’t even blame him. Not after seeing all the ways Silas had changed throughout the years from Fable’s training.
Revenge would always come first, and while I understood this specific time, it had to do with me, it was still the same score to settle from years back.
It burned that Alec was right, and while Silas may see it as protecting me, I wouldn’t survive another two years of him trying to keep me safe from a distance. This would be our end, and we’d never even really had a beginning.
“Please don’t go,” I managed to whisper with my voice cracking.
His hand moved to the side of my face, tilting it back, and right as I opened my mouth to continue pleading, his lips were on mine.
He moved savagely, kissing me like he used to when he’d leave me after we’d turned eighteen. I tried to pull away, but he held me firm.
“I’m not leaving you. I’m here.” His hand moved to my chest, over my heaving breasts. “I’m always in here.”
His lips returned to mine, sensual, slow and violent all at once. I moved with him, lost in his taste and his familiar touch.
“Silas.” A sob finally broke free from my chest. “Don’t go.”
We stayed like that, rocking back and forth in each other’s arms. But eventually it came to an end with a firm knock against my door.
Silas broke away first, holding my face in his palms. “Natty, the man on the other side of that door is named Garrison. I trust him with your life, which you know means I trust him with my own. He is going to sweep your room every time you enter it and go with you wherever you go.”
I was already shaking my head, a fresh tear dripping down the tip of my nose.
“I’ll come with you. Just take me with you this time.”
His stare softened, his dark hair cutting over his forehead, his pale blue eyes searching my gaze for something…I had no idea what.
“I have to find him, and in order to do that I have to hurt a lot of people.”
I gripped his arm to stop him from retreating then let out a strained breath.
“I want to be your partner, Silas. I don’t need to be kept in a tower while you go fight all our enemies. Let me just stand with you. I’m?—”
My voice broke off, as worry and panic edged into my throat .
“I’m tired, Silas. I’m so tired of being alone of being left…just,” I squeezed my eyes shut, “please just don’t leave.”
Silas was quiet, and it gave me hope that he was considering what I’d said.
Minutes passed, our fingers threaded together, each second building my confidence that he’d stay.
“I’m not ripping you from the only home you’ve ever had to hunt him. If I do then he wins. I will not let him win, Natty.”
I released his shoulders and stepped away from him.
Silas stood behind me, regarding me warily.
“I’ll be back to see you, I just have?—”
“Don’t bother.” I moved to the window to look outside, desperately trying to hold in a scream.
He stayed behind me, silent and stoic.
I laughed, staring down at the backyard. “How ironic that one of you locked me away, desperate to keep me and the other doesn’t seem to want me at all.”
“Don’t fucking say that. You know it’s not like that. I’ll go and come back to you.”
There was a buzzing happening in my ears as old memories tore at my mind with invisible claws. I was staring at nothing when I heard Silas shout.
“Are you listening, did you hear what I said, Natty?”
I spun around, tears gathering again.
His jaw clenched, “Did you hear what I said? I’ll be back, Garrison and Lance will be watching you. You’ll be safe. I need to keep you safe.”
“Right. Just like you had to let me stay safe after I was traded to this club.” I don’t know why I said it. The situation was out of his control, and I hadn’t told him the devastating truth of what had happened but a part of me was still bitter that I had to take that truth and swallow it as if it were a shard of glass.
Silas glared, as though I were now one of his enemies. He’d never looked at me like that before. “I couldn’t simply walk back in here and take you back…it would have started a war.”
Another laugh tumbled from my mouth as tears traced a path down my face. “You waged nothing but war over your father all our lives. You were designed to start them, endure them and end them. Regardless of that, if you were waiting to avoid an incident with The Stone Riders and The Death Raiders, you could have when you became president months ago. Once you killed Dirk, you could have made the decision to come for me. You had the manpower and the numbers….but you never did.”
Silas moved toward the door, and I felt like something was separating from my body as I watched him go. I couldn’t do it again. I wouldn’t.
“If you walk out that door, we’re over.” I whispered loud enough for him to hear me, painfully aware that I was about to break my own heart.
Silas didn’t bend to anyone’s will, including mine.
The silence in the room grew uncomfortable. My hope had grown long, tattered wings like something from the deep. A dark place made up of broken dreams and loneliness. I held my breath, waiting…
“Tu meus es sol, luna mea. Vitam meam. Revertar ad te.” You are my sun, my moon. My life. I will come back for you.
With that, the door opened and closed on a whisper.
I spun around, my eyes watering as I stared at the floor. A familiar ache unfurling in my core. I knew Silas had men outside my door, keeping me safe but it didn’t erase old trauma.
With a shaky breath, I walked over to my closet and turned on the light. There, under a false floorboard, I stared at my past. Photos of a younger Silas holding a frog bigger than his head. An image of him writing in a journal, testing his ability to write poetry because he’d grown addicted to it. My eyes trailed over the two hand guns, boxes of ammo and letters I’d gathered throughout the span of time I’d been separated from Silas.
My fingers trailed gingerly and ever so carefully over the leather jacket with the Grim Reaper stitched into the back. Printed in white, circular text:
Property of Silas Silva
The Roman
Options were never set before me, they’d always been taken. Removed. I was merely shoved into a corner, a tower, some place to be kept safe. My mouth sealed to prevent a war, while ignoring the battle that raged in my heart.
I broke when I arrived in this club. Repaired only by kindness, friendship, independence, and this great hope that I’d be back with Silas. I was tired.
So tired.
Releasing a pent-up breath, I brought my knees under my chin and sat alone in my room, staring at the floor that held pieces of a life I no longer recognized. Clarity finally came in the form of a plan. A decision.
It was time I took my life back into my own hands.