19. Natty
NINETEEN
NATTY
AGE TWENTY-THREE
Winter no longer guaranteed that Silas would be home.
His required time with his father had come and gone, and for some reason he continued to return to the viper’s nest.
Being his wife didn’t guarantee that I’d see him either or have any of his time. I was subject to waiting around for him just like his best friend, Lance, and his mother Sasha. We all danced around the subject, as if the mere mention of Silas Silva was the equivalent of saying a curse or talking about the boogeyman.
The Roman was being tossed around more often than his real name anyway. This notorious tale of a man with a heart as dark as night: black and hate-filled as he tortured his victims, working as the executioner for The Destroyers. It was all just talk between drunk bikers, looking to one up each other with stories.
But at night, I’d hold his pillow to my chest and let my lungs expand with the hope that all those stories were false. Just far-fetched tales made up and exaggerated. Because my husband couldn’t withstand any more darkness in that heart of his.
Which was why I didn’t understand this need of his to return to his father…
“You look sad, Artie. It’s almost Christmas. ”
I glanced up at the man who’d just crowded the space next to me at the bar. Alec’s dark hair was slicked back, revealing his blue eyes and long lashes. He sipped from a dark bottle of beer as he assessed every inch of my face. My eyes, lips, and ears.
It was as though he was looking for what might be different about me since the last time he’d laid that confusing glare on me.
In another life, I’d toss my left hand out and boast about being married to his brother. I’d gush over being his family now and laugh about how we would spend the holidays together. In this life, no one knew I was married to Silas because he was worried it would put too big of a target on my back. One larger than the property patch he put there.
I had no ring on my finger, and no proof at all that Silas and I had actually said those vows to one another that humid summer night, nearly four years ago.
“I’m not sad, just tired.” I finally quipped back at Alec, curious why he was at this bar of all places.
I wasn’t in Pyle, which, if Silas were here, he’d likely have a meltdown over…but he was gone, again, and Christmas was in two days.
I’d begged him to stay, and he begged me to understand why he had to leave. There was also the small issue of Dirk watching my every move, and when he was able to get me alone…it wasn’t pleasant.
Alec pushed in closer, so I could hear him over the noise. “You’re not wearing your property patch.”
No, I wasn’t. But not for the reasons he assumed.
“This isn’t a biker bar…and this town isn’t Death Raider territory. I’m not trying to cause any waves by being here.”
Alec seemed to understand, which was probably why he wasn’t wearing his cut either. He’d recently pledged with the Sons of Speed, a club a few hours west of Pyle. I hadn’t seen him in a few years…but Lance had mentioned it once in front of me, which was the only way I knew anything about Alec’s life.
“Why are you here?” I volleyed back, curious now why he was so far east.
His lips quirked up while he took a long pull of his beer. “Thought I’d spend the holidays with family…my mom lives in Rose Ridge now. ”
“She does?” That surprised me…mostly because I knew nothing about his mother, or him.
He laughed, dipping his head.
“Yeah, she died last winter from an overdose. They tossed her in a grave down at the Rose Ridge cemetery, flat stone the size of a brick over the top of her grave. Might as well have kept it unmarked; it wasn’t like anyone would care enough to visit her.”
I sipped my soda water and focused on the way his eyes turned contemplative.
“Not even you?”
His face lifted. “No…not even me…thought maybe I could find someone to fuck out there, right on top of her grave as a nice Merry Christmas and fuck you to her.”
Damn.
“So, not a good relationship with her then?”
With another scoff, he shook his head while looking around.
“No, nothing like the precious Hallmark movie that Silas and his mother Sasha are living out.”
I bristled at his mocking tone. They were the two most important people in my life, and regardless of Alec’s shitty upbringing, he wasn’t about to talk shit about them in front of me.
Sliding off the stool, I set my glass down, about to leave, until Alec moved to block my path.
“Sorry…I know you’re team Silas…I didn’t mean anything by it.”
“Don’t talk about them in front of me. Not ever,” I warned, glaring up at him.
He gave me a solemn nod, pulling my stool out once more. The sound of billiard balls knocking together echoed from a pool table, off to the side, where there were a few guys laughing and joking together. The bar was calm for the most part, and not very busy. I liked the easy atmosphere.
“So…tell me why you’re here, all alone in rival territory, just two days before Christmas.”
I was slightly buzzed from the cranberry vodka I’d had just fifteen minutes earlier. I had to be, that was the only reason I felt compelled to tell him why I was all alone in this small town at this bar that was playing Mariah Carey Christmas ballads, on repeat.
“Silas left again. I asked him not to, because I wanted him here for Christmas…but he?—”
I stopped myself because this was Alec, his brother that had been nice to me, but overtly flirtatious.
“I’m just looking for a change of scenery is all, and I like that Rose Ridge does the big starlight parade, with the lighting of the tree. The whole town gets in on it, and it’s like a scene from that Dr. Seuss movie.”
Alec scrunched his nose. “The one with the Grinch?”
I nodded as a smile lifted my lips.
“There was snow here last year, and the whole town looked like a Christmas card.”
“So you’re going to pout here, all alone, because my brother is an idiot and is off doing our father’s bidding?”
A tiny string unfurled in my brain, like a strand of curiosity, one that would surely kill me if I tried to follow it. Just the same, I dug into it with both hands because I was starved for details.
“You know what he’s doing?”
Alec’s eyes nearly sparkled under the low lighting of the bar. He gave one slow look to the left, then leaned closer. “Other than letting you slip through his fingers?”
We were close enough that it looked like we were sharing a secret or might be lovers. I drew back while clearing my throat.
“I’m not slipping through his fingers.”
Alec’s lips twisted into a sneer. “If you were mine, you wouldn’t be here.”
“You’d tell me where I could go and couldn’t go?” I raised my brow in question.
Alec laughed into his beer. “Damn straight. You go where I know you’ll be safe.”
Silas wasn’t any different. Except he never made me feel like I couldn’t go somewhere, or that he’d be angry if I did. He just appeared like a wraith and reclaimed me, as if I was, in fact, slipping through his fingers .
“He’ll be back by Christmas. We have a tradition where every Christmas we exchange?—”
Someone laughed from behind us and started singing along with the Christmas tune that had just started playing. The bartender checked on us, seeing if we needed refills, and then Alec’s face dipped closer. “You exchange…”
“It’s stupid to anyone who hasn’t been us for the past seven years.”
His whistle echoed over the loud music and bustling bodies, making me laugh.
“Stop.”
“Seven years, damn…have you ever even been with anyone else?”
I shifted on my stool, so I was facing away from him, cradling my glass. “I’ve never needed or wanted anyone else.”
“Okay, I won’t argue with you about the semantics of only being with one person. Tell me what you exchange with him.”
“Love letters we’ve found in poetry, books, music…things that have inspired us. Each year, it’s a gift to see what the other found because it’s always something that reminds us of the other person. Last year, Silas found this beautiful poem written by someone who had observed the love Edgar Allen Poe had for his wife. The extreme lengths he’d gone to in order to have her, protect her and love her. Even in her death, you know he kept her bones under his bed for a time.”
Alec’s face soured. “That’s fucking gross.”
I shrugged, feeling a blush heat my face. “I mean it’s all gross when you think about it. He married his cousin, but in a different time, a different space where those things weren’t viewed through the same lens we’re looking through…it was considered beautiful.”
“I can see now why you and my brother are such a great match.” Alec’s gaze moved, watching a group of guys who had gotten closer, one of them had been watching me from across the room, and was now sitting beside me.
Ignoring the man at my back, I sipped my drink hoping he wouldn’t?—
“Excuse me.” There was warm breath against my neck and a hand on my shoulder.
Shit .
Alec leaned past me, invading my space. “Fuck off.”
The man behind me leaned over my shoulder, getting closer to Alec and I was just caught in the middle. Not an ideal place to be.
“Are you her boyfriend?” the guy asked, and I let out a sigh. If Silas were here that guy wouldn’t have ever walked up to me in the first place.
“Don’t have to be. I’m here talking to her, and you need to go somewhere else.”
I slid off the stool and faced the man, giving him a flat smile.
“I’m not with him, but I do have a boyfriend. I’m not interested.” It burned me not to say husband. I had a fucking husband, not a boyfriend.
I was a married woman. But I was also all alone…in a city that I didn’t belong in.
The reminder that I was being kept from Silas by this invisible line drawn by his father threaded through my breast, tugging and poking like an aimless needle.
My feet carried me out of the bar, back into the cold, and when the door closed a second time, I knew Alec had followed.
“What are you going to do if he doesn’t show up in time?”
I turned, taking in the gray sky, the clouds pregnant with snow. The ground was frozen, and our breaths clouded in front of us. Alec’s features looked crisp and sharp under the December sky.
“What do you mean?”
He stepped closer and tentatively pushed a lock of my hair off my shoulder. “If Silas doesn’t show up in time for Christmas, will you spend it alone?”
The mere notion made me feel physically sick. I hated being alone.
My mother had left the Death Raiders a year ago. No note. No goodbye. Just gone.
Sasha was my family in theory, but it was like living with a cactus. She was prickly and protective. Her only priority was Silas, and she made that clear every chance she got. If I didn’t have Silas, I had no one.
I must have waited too long to respond because Alec took a step closer until his chin was nearly at my forehead.
“Don’t spend Christmas alone, Artie. Promise me you won’t.” His whisper landed as a hot breath against my skin .
My voice cracked as I asked, “Where else would I go?”
“Find me…I’ll be here. I joked about my mom’s grave, but truthfully, it’s the only place I want to be through the holidays. A cold grave, celebrating with the only family I ever had. She was shitty to me on her best days, and deplorable on her worst, but she was my mom. She still bought me gifts on Christmas…still decorated and managed to wrangle a tree inside. It wasn’t perfect, but it was ours…and I miss it.”
He swallowed thickly. “I miss her.”
I had no idea how that felt, other than missing Silas. I’d never missed my mother…not once. I never missed my father because I never knew him.
I had missed Sasha when I was little…even now, there was a part of me that longed for her to love me the way she loved her son, but I knew she just wasn’t capable.
“If he doesn’t show, Alec, then I’ll come spend it with you. Honestly, I wish you two could spend it together, even if he does show up. You’re brothers.”
Alec’s smile was sad, and as he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, my heart seemed to break in half.
“Cain killed Abel because he was jealous of his offering.”
I didn’t know much about the Bible, but Sasha had taught us a few of the basics. I knew about Adam and Eve…the Ark, and a few other bullet points. Hateful brothers didn’t register.
“So?”
His fingers were still tangled in my hair. “So, I’d do more than murder my brother for what he has.”
It was murmured low and as soon as he said it, he took a few steps back then picked up my hand.
“Call me if you need me, Artie.” He wrote down his number with a black pen against my palm. Then stared down at me for a long moment before walking back to his bike.
I stared after him, confused.
What did Silas have that would make Alec feel so violent toward him?
Me: It’s Christmas Eve…where are you?
Silas: Ran into a complication.
Me: Will you be back tonight?
Silas:…
Me: ?? Silas…will you be back tonight?
Silas: I love you. I will call you in the morning.
Me: You promised this trip wouldn’t interfere with Christmas. You swore it to me, Silas.
Silas: I know. If I could leave, I would. I’m sorry.
I stared at my phone feeling numb.
If I understood what Silas was doing, maybe it would make me feel better, but I didn’t.
His father was a monster, and as far as I understood, he didn’t need to be working with him, or around him, or have anything to do with him.
Bitterness crept into my heart, choking out all sense. The small tree in Sasha’s living room was decorated with a string of popcorn, a few recovered bulbs from a bag at Goodwill, and a string of half working lights. There were no gifts under it.
No other decorations were around the house, and I hadn’t seen or heard from Sasha in a week. When I’d driven back to Pyle two days ago, Dirk had arrived as well. So far, I had been lucky that he hadn’t walked over and demanded to see me. Usually he found a way to torture me, especially if Sasha was gone .
I wasn’t eager to run into him again, and the longer Silas was gone, the higher the chance was that I would.
The loneliness and fear dug at my core. The silence in the house crept into that void in my soul, and I couldn’t stand it. I jumped up, grabbed my coat and left the house.
Rose Ridge was only a twenty-minute drive, and the entire ride over, I justified my actions with the idea that I was spending time with my husband’s family.
Once I had parked in the asphalt lot of the grocery store, I pulled up my phone and called Alec.
He answered on the third ring.
“Hello?”
“Alec…it’s me, Natty.”
He paused, then let out a small chuckle. “You coming to see me for Christmas, Artie?”
I hated that fucking nickname.
“You offered, didn’t you?” I snapped, feeling torn and annoyed with myself. Why couldn’t I just be strong and spend tonight alone. I could hide from Dirk. But the idea of hiding in the wardrobe on Christmas wasn’t appealing.
“Just texted you the address.”
I hung up, took a shuddery breath and began navigating toward the house. It was a simple cabin on the river, with smoke coming out of a brick chimney. The sky was white, flakes of snow blew against my face as I slammed the car door shut and trudged up the rickety steps.
The door opened before I could knock, and Alec stepped aside, welcoming me in.
The house was warm, so I shed my jacket and shoes. The foyer was miniscule and quickly led to where a round table sat with two chairs. Off to the side was an L-shaped kitchen, with linoleum along the floors and Formica counters. The living room had green shag carpeting and two armchairs that faced a large hearth with a roaring fire inside.
Alec wore white socks, threadbare jeans and a simple white shirt. His hair was wet from a recent shower, and his face was freshly shaven. His smile was familiar and stretched along his firm jawline. I hated how noticeable the changes in his face and body definition were from the last time I’d seen him those few years ago. The other day, with his hoodie on, his muscular form was hidden and I had flat out ignored his jawline.
Now, under the fire light, and the pain radiating from my thatched heart, I noticed.
And it made me sick because I wasn’t attracted to Alec, but I was aware of how he looked at me. I didn’t want to lead him on, and I didn’t want this to look or feel like something was happening here that wasn’t actually happening.
Alec pulled out a bottle of whiskey, two tumblers and a deck of cards.
“Poker?”
I took the filled glass and sipped. “War.”
It began to snow in fat, chunky flakes. The fire crackled from behind me, and the tumbler of whiskey was cold under my hand. It made me want to toss the entire fucking thing in the fire just to watch it burn.
Silas hadn’t called me or texted.
I watched with fear as the clock wound down, leaving no room for Silas to redeem himself. Christmas had arrived and a sob worked itself up my chest, ugly and full of hurt.
Full of anger and confusion over why I was losing the man I loved to a monster that had ruined his childhood. I had been there for Silas. I had been the one to help him, to love him. To stand by him, and yet I was being pushed away.
It was Christmas, and I was alone.
Alec’s arms came around me, and as he pulled me tight into his chest, my fingers clung to his forearms. I realized too late, and after I was far too exhausted that we had moved to the bed. But the broken part of me didn’t care. I hoped Silas would somehow walk in and be hurt by what he saw. It was as far as I was willing to go. I would never kiss another man, or have sex with them…but being held by one. To Silas, it would be the same as anything else.
My sobs echoed through the room until I finally fell asleep in the arms of my husband’s brother…and quite possibly his greatest enemy.