Shall we share?
-You?
-You've said that before. We spoke on the phone this morning. About the rent for the room. Do you remember?
-Is that you?
-It seems to be me.
-I mean... -I have my jaw by my feet looking for water or, failing that, a bottle of compressed air.
-Can I? -We both look at each other until his logic crushes my stupidity.
-Yes, of course, go ahead. I had completely forgotten.
-Thank you.
-I don't mean you, I mean, from you, but not by you. Aying...
My brow furrows as my heart begs for a little coherence. Of all the probabilities that roam the world, how many are there for this? Zero? One in a million zeros? How should I know? If mathematics had been my thing, I wouldn't be a starving journalist.
-I asked for a transfer. The first month and three more months' deposit. Everything okay?
-Perfectly." I sigh, holding on to the door so I don't fall.
-Then can I come in?
-Of course. I'm blocking the way. My stupidity is not normal. I'm Sofi. I mean Sofia. This is your house. I mean mine, and now yours too. That what's mine is yours and what's ours is everybody's. Aying...
-Blake.
-How?
-My name is Blake. Blake Blakmoon.
-Hi Blake. I'm Sofia, although everyone calls me Sofi, a common diminutive....
Stop! I move to the side to let him pass and if my nerves allow me to close my mouth.
He is much taller than me. At least two heads. And not because I'm short, it's more a question of elegance. He, however, is perfect. Determined lips, freshly ground brown eyes, intoxicating smile, cushioned arms.... Aying.
He doesn't finish crossing the threshold when he stops walking. He petrifies next to me. Shoulder to shoulder. Or rather shoulder to head. His shoulder, my head, and not because I'm a dwarf but because my father's sperm was running short.
I look behind him wondering why he has stopped. My crazy friends, oblivious to his presence, continue to admire Christian Grey in all his artistic splendor. And yes, when I say maximum splendor I mean just that. Maximum, and, splendor. I couldn't tell if his face is in awe or if he's holding back laughter. And I say I can't tell because I'm too busy flying the three steps in my living room to take the remote control away from my two brainless friends. The visitors' foreign panphiles oppose my strategy of desperate theft. That Christian Grey has got them all in a tizzy. Laura, amused as ever, dodges me and throws the gadget that ends up at Karina's feet. This one, neither slow nor lazy, far from giving it to me, throws herself head first to pick it up and start jumping as if my sofa was a trampoline.
-Give it to me," I mumble.
Karina laughs and forgets her manners to jump up and down next to me. And all this together with Laura's shouts of: Throw it to me!
Meanwhile, on the Netflix widescreen, Ana, Anastasia or whatever the protagonist's name is, is giving it her all with her legs wide open and wagging her tongue like a dog that has just had drugs shoved up its trunk.
-Don't take it off! -they chant loudly. The thick coughing in the background pulls them out of their mental stupidity to look toward the door.
-Finally," I say as I see Karina's arms slump to her sides. But since things don't always work out the first time, and luck in my life is a number that some joker erased from the bingo cards, the remote has no better idea than to run out of battery. I pound on it, but nothing. I hit it again and the volume goes up. I insult him and the bastard falls over. Anastasia's moans reach their peak. Because this Ana may be shy, but just stick the battery in the center of her hidden territory and the girl twerks like Rosalia. What modern virgins are.
My friends forget Christian Grey by focusing their leers on the visitor. If we are to be tied up and the keys thrown out of the cage.
-If I interrupt, I can come back in a more... opportune moment?
-No! That's it," I sighed as I watched the TV blacken from exhaustion. It's no wonder. That Mr. Grey is a machine.
-Are you him? Karina asks while performing a head-to-toe scan.
-His name is Blake and we are going to live together.
Karina faints and Laura is about to throw the coffee on her to revive her when I rush to clarify.
-I mean in the same house. Not in the same bed. I mean in different beds, but same bathroom. Fuck! I mean we share the bathroom and the kitchen, but not the bed. Aying ...
-My name is Blake and I'm your new roommate. For the time being," the mischievous smile in his black pupils sets my smoldering ruins ablaze again.
-I am Laura.
-And I Karina.
They don't take their eyes off him. When we meet alone, I'll kill them. Although the real fault is his. Guys like him should be banned for female coronary health issues.
-All three of you live here? I thought I understood it was just you.
-They are my friends and they were leaving. I disintegrate them with the laser of my gaze. The bastards don't move their asses from the couch.
-My room? -He asks without letting go of the bag he is carrying on his shoulder.
-Yes, this way. Excuse me.
At least my legs work better than my brain. Master Anselmo has told me that if I get nervous I should think before opening my mouth. But of course, I'm more of an enthusiastic temperament.
-Just like in the picture. I hope you like it. My left foot trips over my right. It's small and quite cozy.
What am I saying, I look like a Tecnocasa salesman!
-It is perfect.
And here we are again. Thinking she's smiling at me with her eyes. I'm an unstudied tutorial fool.
-Here you have a closet and a bedside table. The windows overlook the inner garden. It is bright and quiet.
-I like it," he says without looking up.
-Well, I'll leave you to unpack. Is that bag all your luggage? If I were moving I'd need a container.
He doesn't answer. His gaze sweeps over me and the furniture. I smell the air around me deeply. There is no dust and the scent is fresh. It must be his intriguing newcomer's face.
-Whatever you need, I'm outside.
-Thank you.
-To you.
-This time we got it right. Again that little look that sets the woods on fire.
-Did you remember...
-Of course.
-Chances of life," I say with rushed words.
-Casualities. Life. Yes.
-I'm afraid my whole house is probably smaller than your room at the Ritz.
-Simple and warm. I always liked the little ones.
My five foot six inches is on fire. I'm on fire. I'm on fire! Forest on fire!
-I also have an electric coffee maker. Did I just say that?!
-I love coffee.
Aying , if he's not only handsome but also sweet. Heart stop galloping. Lungs let out air. Brain wake up. Panties, stay in place. Now!
I haven't finished closing the door to his room when the two stagnant ass statues have decided to come to life and pounce on me.
-What?
-How?
-It's tremendous!
-I call dibs!
-You can't!
-Why not?
-It's mine. I could see it on his face.
-You just met him.
-And you!
-That's enough, both of you! Are you crazy? He can hear you.
I walk away from the door of her room to the opposite corner. Which in the language of my home means four slow steps or three in a hurry.
-When were you planning to drop the bomb!
-I did.
-They chanted without taking their eyes off the closed door.
-I did. When Anthony told me that a roommate from out of town needed an apartment I thought it was a good idea. After Grandma I'm very tight on expenses.
-No sorrow. We all loved grandmother To?i and we miss her very much, but that... -Karina points to the door- It's tremendous!
-Did you just say no sorrow for my grandmother's death?
-I mean, we already know the story of the granddaughter raised with the grandmother as Heidi, but now we are facing the important thing. And that's what's important!
-Heidi?
-Don't get distracted!
-He needed a house and I needed to share expenses. End of story.
-Laura's fingers point to the room.
-Let's see, we talked on the phone, he sent me his information and it sounded good to me, besides Anthony endorses him. I imagine it will only be a few months.
I will not tell you that I saw it last week next to the Ritz and I was as impressed as they were.
-Does she work for Anthony's agency? Is she a model?
-The agency is an advertising and consulting agency in new technologies. Models don't always go there. And no, I don't think so," I answer Laura. Anthony didn't say it-although he might as well. Sincerity springs amusingly from me. I can't deny the undeniable. The truth is that he's... -The door opens and the three of us are left with our lungs choking.
Blake has decided to take off his shirt, and barefoot with only jeans and a towel hanging over his shoulder.
-I would like to take a shower. I've been flying for many hours and...
-Where do you come from?
-Baltimore.
Karina fainted before she heard the answer.
-You speak perfect Spanish.
Why does Laura curl her hair with her finger when she asks?
-They taught it to me when I was a child. So the bathroom is that way?
-He said.
Did he say thank you? I think so. Or what do I know. I'm too distracted by his profident smile.
I fall on my ass on the couch. And as my luck is as wide as my buttocks, I manage to turn on the TV with my buttocks cushioned.
-I'm sorry, I meant to ask if I could use your..." Blake peeks through the bathroom door to see Christian Grey again in a more compromising position than before. Not easy considering how hard the pool table looked, though apparently for Anastasia, comfort is a no-brainer. She's got it in her blood - shampoo.
I jump up to rummage through my calves for the remote when the damn button decides to lock. Again.
A-pa-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga! -I ordered, hammering the demoniac with my finger.
Blake not only doesn't move from the bathroom door, but decides to fold his arms and fix his attention on Mr. Grey who by now should be hospitalized with an IV vitamin B1 supplement.
-I prefer natural sex.
-I think the same... -I answer reluctantly, throwing the remote control with all the bad feeling I can towards the floor.
-Good to know," he says, re-entering the bathroom and closing the door.
-What did I say? What did I say!
The girls cover their mouths. Laughter echoes throughout the room.
I plop down on the couch when the remote, now it does, decides to accept the extreme unction.
My unfortunate life. When they handed out the bag of fortune I was at the greengrocer's buying grapes.