Tell me again
-Hello.
-Hello? -I answered looking for the voice. Impossible to see anything. My house is in a big blackout. I didn't know you were back.
I reach my hand toward the wall. Blake holds my wrist before reaching for the key to the light.
-I arrived a couple of hours ago. It's late, where were you?
-Dining at Laura's house.
-I missed you," the hug surprises me by wrapping around my back. The bag falls to the floor. I've missed it too.
I feel the fingers curl into the mane and pull gently towards him.
-You smell so good. The darkness does not allow me to see it. It's better this way. At this moment I am a penumbra of doubt.
His mouth is positioned over mine and the insecurities that hours ago were spinning wildly in my head, stop. His lips search for me. I allow him to find me. The warmth of his body takes over my fears. He demolishes them with the firmness of his caresses.
Dizzy in a caramel pink haze I seek in the contact of his body my foothold. His chest accepts me. I stretch my toes like a ballerina in her best ballet. And not because I'm short but because my feelings for him are the essence of concentrated love.
I need to hold on behind his neck clinging to what feels like our hopefulness. I kiss him and kiss again. Our tongues frolic nervously. I am a starving woman who has gone a lifetime without tasting the fruity taste of sincerity. Years of searching for what I didn't even know existed is right under my nose showing me that it's true. That we all have our time.
The excited body demands that I let myself go. I have never done it before. This love thing is a dangerously new drug for me. I've always known how to hide in the caution chest. One that protected with three padlocks would carry a sturdy inflatable cape ready to be used as a lifeboat when the caresses turned to lies. It may be hard to admit, but the only words I ever received from Ruben moments before... then they vanished like cheap soap bubbles. With Blake, however, my feelings enjoy sailing on a safe sea. His kisses awaken and soothe the hundreds of Sophia's inside me. The fearful, the laughing, the colorful, the lost, the lonely and the abandoned. They all float with outstretched arms in the gentle sea of requited love. I am not sure how many novels I read with gruesome endings thinking that this was my dream, not knowing that these warm and calm arms are the haven for which I would be envied by all.
His fingers cling to my waist. Possessive. Assured. I surrender. The feeling of belonging completes me. I can feel the pounding of his heart against my breasts next to mine that accompanies it with the same agitated beat. Our bodies are a perfectly synchronized clock waiting for the final big explosion.
He can't be trusted... Anthony's words echo in my head.
I deepen the kiss to silence them. I want the ghosts to go away. I need to let go without accepting that I am a broken toy of parched and forgotten glue. My hands cling to his neck and my body rubs eager to awaken the fever of his. He sighs deeply. Eternal seconds of kissing take our breath away. I dive to bite every millimeter of his incipient beard. He sighs again. But this time the palm of his hand separates us a few centimeters. Just enough to feel the cold of abandonment. I stretch my lips, refusing the emptiness that his absence provokes in me. Her body is the only refuge I have for oblivion.
-Honey," the words whisper over my mouth. I feel the dance of his lips on mine. On the radio the other afternoon, what you said to that girl," he takes a breath in an interminable pause, "was it true?
His hand rises behind the nape of my neck seeking mine to separate us completely. Without releasing my fingers he takes them straight to his chest. There where the heartbeats turn into hope.
-Can you feel it?
Ton. Ton. Ton.
Heartbeats roar behind his shirt. Emotions hit me like dark and powerful tornado whirlpools. Past, present and future unify, asking me for what no one has ever demanded of me before. Delivery.
-I...
His hand presses mine tightly on his torso. Ton. Ton. Ton.
-Do you hear it? It's thundering for you.
A caress to my frightened face along with a brief silence is what he uses before reeling with the power of his words.
-I understand that you feel this is crazy. I think so too, but I can't deny what you make me feel. You are a part of me that hurts because I don't feel you are mine yet. I am not able to think or work. When I'm not with you I feel afraid that you're not there, that you don't love me, that you don't feel... My head repeats your name day and night like a terrifying record. I told myself that I had to give you time, that I didn't want to scare you, but then, yesterday on the radio you said something that broke my patience. I need to hear you again and know it wasn't a dream. I've been thinking all day whether I've lost my mind, my hearing, or both.
My heart leaks out of my mouth. Emotions are piling up in my tears. And this time it's not sadness.
Throw yourself in and swim. The girls' words fill and burst my head. The little girl sitting on a depressive brown leather suitcase stretches out her hand saying it's time to forget. The world is divided into two groups, my grandmother used to say, the drowned and those who know how to float. Her tireless advice, her ever-ready kisses and her chocolate cakes to cry beside me were her best lessons on how to stick my head out to breathe. If today I know how to swim it was because she taught me. It was time to show her that her time with me was not wasted hours.
-Yes. You are totally reciprocated. So much that it makes me tremble with fear. I'm afraid to feel the way I feel. The thought that this is a whim, that tomorrow you'll discover you've made a mistake and leave me... but it's too late to deny what's already grown.
His hands wrap around my face. His forehead gently collides with mine. His mouth opens slowly. He says nothing. He moves in slow motion closer to my lips. It is a delicate touch. One that so softly concentrates the ardor of millions of volcanoes. A second and third touch are repeated. Getting closer and moving away until the fourth and the following ones, carried by the ardor they harbor begin to transform into voracious, deep, possessive... I accept them like dry grass before the rain in the middle of August. I cling to his neck looking for the stability I always envied those couples who loved each other in the park. His caresses are the security that my unbalanced heart lacks. He cements my non-existent confidence. I feel like the princess who has just been fitted with the lost crystal sandal at the ball.
Hands run down my back to my ass. The pressure glues my body completely to his. I feel his need slap between my legs. He wants me. I desire him. I swim in a dreamy sea. I surf in his mouth. The heat devours me. I can't think of anything else but us. I lose myself in the now away from useless forgetfulness. My tongue wanders through every unknown nook and cranny. I seek to banish traces that were not mine.
-Oh...
-I'm sorry," I turn away in confusion.
-No, don't stop. Please...
The taste of something salty burdens my lips.
-Did I hurt you? I never... I'm so sorry.
-Shut up and kiss me. The low, mushy words bounce against my neck. Hands clutch at my waist pulling me into the strength of his hard body.
He rested his hands against his torso to release me from his embrace. I walk the two steps away from the light switch and press.
-But what!
Blake pulls me away from the light.
-I'm fine. Come here.
The strength of his hands curls me into his warmth. Kisses down my cleavage hide his face. Gently I hold him by the sides to lift him up so I can see him.
-Kiss me.
The sound of the words are the same as those of a child whose ice cream has been taken away.
-For God's sake. You're a mess. I outline in the air each purple. I'm afraid to hurt him in the face of such a mess.
You just raised my self-esteem about thirty points.
-What happened?
I ask while with nervous steps I head towards the bathroom in search of the first aid kit.
-An unimportant discussion.
-Unimportant? The right eye is like a hard-boiled egg. Lower lip completely split. You are bleeding.
-You were so desperate to eat me," she says, bringing her tongue to the corner of her mouth and dragging the trickle of blood inward.
-Let's go. I push him towards the center of the room with the first aid kit in my hands.
-To your bed? Of course I would, although I wish to state for the record that I would do so freely. You don't need to force me to sleep with you. Blake raises our intertwined hands high as I drag him toward the couch.
-What about giving me time to feel safe?
-It was overcome at the moment that you recognized that I am totally and madly reciprocated... Ouch! That was a betrayal.
I push him down on the couch, but not fast enough. Without letting go of my hand he manages to drag me over his legs.
For our first time I would have preferred a mattress where I could spend hours with your silky skin, but seeing that you are crazy with desire, I accept the couch as a warm-up.
Blake's mouth tries to reach for me. The cobra he receives in response makes him furrow his brow. My smile. This goofy little boy side of Blake is adorable.
-I'm not in the mood for jokes," I replied, simulating the frown of an angry mother.
-Neither do I," he stretches his lips. He gets a cobra in response.
-I didn't know this side of bossy girl. Mmmm, I think I like it. You want to tie me up? I'm all yours." She raises her hands above her head like a drunk caught in a breathalyzer test.
-And I didn't know you so childish. Blake, please," I dip a cotton ball in mercurochrome and place it on the side of his swollen lip without showing that he's managed to get a huge smile out of me.
-Huich. That hurt.
-And it will hurt a lot more if you don't tell me what happened.
I hand him the absorbent cotton to hold in his hand as I walk to the kitchen to rummage in the freezer.
-Look how you've got it," I rest the package of frozen peas on the black eye. He sits me back on his lap. This will bring down the swelling.
-Are you sure? I still feel it very swollen," she answers in a deep voice, pressing upwards.
Even though his appearance is deplorable I can't fool myself, I love it! Sitting astride him and feeling his desire for me while I take care of him turns me from a shy princess into a powerful queen.
-If you move... -He throws the cotton on the floor to grab me by the hips and push me down. Oh, yeah. Right there. That's perfect.
Blake swings his legs into me. He's being silly. I can't hold back the laughter anymore.
-And to think you were such a responsible guy. Blake Blakmoon would never have guessed it from you.
-And you don't know all that's left.
His hand on my waist tries to glue me to his torso. I pull away with a smile on my lips.
-Lots of secrets? -I play along while holding the frozen peas at the base of my eye.
-A few. Tonight we can start with a few. Try to stand up with me on top.
-Don't even dream about it," I say, pressing down with all my weight, "I know exactly what you're doing.
-I didn't mean to hide it.
Again he tries to get up. This time I stop him by pressing down a little viciously on the bag of peas.
-Oh!
-What happened?
-A fight. I don't see why so much insistence.
-Did they try to rob you?
-No.
-So?
-Can't we forget it?
-No.
-I went to Barcelona to arrange something about a project.
-Does the agency have a branch in Barcelona?
-It is the parent company. The headquarters are Barcelona, Madrid and Baltimore.
I hand him the peas, stand up with the excuse of tidying up the cotton balls and closing the mercurochrome bottle.
He's a wealthy young man who has all the girls he wants. Anthony's voice resurfaces in my head.
-Is everything all right?
I stop in the middle of the room hugging the used cotton balls.
-And why did a meeting end in fisticuffs?
-Discrepancy of opinions.
-Blake, I'm not kidding.
-The CEO wants something I want and I will not allow him to have it. End of explanation.
-Can't you throw him out?
-No.
-You said you were a shareholder.
-My uncle owns an important part of it. It is a very complex situation to explain.
-Either that or I'm a big idiot because I swear I don't understand anything you're saying.
I turn to leave the room. Ruben made me eat so many lies that I am allergic to his sourdough and all its derivatives. Whenever I can, and my reason allows me to, I avoid consuming them.
He holds me by the elbow.
-I'm being sincere. I swear. It's just that there are things I can't tell you.
That hurt.
-You can trust me," I continue without looking him in the face. It's important to us that you do. You can't wait for me to turn myself in while you do whatever you want.
He lets go of my arm.
-Since my parents died, my uncle has been in charge of managing the family business. And our lives. When I came of age I filed for custody of Mariam. She and I disappeared from his life. With the agency, however, the situation is somewhat more complex. My mother left a last will and testament that he refuses to honor.
-And that's why you were beaten?
-I will always protect what I love. Although for different reasons, I was also an abandoned young man who learned to defend himself with his own strength. When I have something of mine it is mine alone. I don't care what gets in the way or how long it takes me to get it. It is and will be mine.
He tucks my hair behind my ear when I talk.
-How old were you when you lost them?
-To my parents? Fifteen.
-And your uncle raised you?
-Raising is not the word," he tries to make a grimace with his mouth, but the pain does not allow it. Let's say he knew how to place us so as not to bother us.
-That's why you took over Mariam's tutoring.
-The first day I came of age, I called a lawyer. She needed me.
-You are very handsome...
-Liar. A few minutes ago you said I was a walking disaster.
-A few minutes ago I only saw what you were showing.
-And now?
-Now I see a much more interesting interior than those wonderful eyes inside that cute little face.
He drops his healthy eyelid at the touch of my fingertips. My finger runs up and down his temple as he catches it to bring it to his lips.
-If I asked you something, would you do it?
I hold him by the waist and he does the same with me.
-Anything but sleeping with you.
-And why is that? I thought we had reached officer level.
-How?
-Yes, with that " I totally and madly reciprocate , you know. He tries to wink, but only succeeds in making a painful grimace. Would you say it again?
-Blake...
-Today I need it more than ever. I swear.
-The fight wasn't about hiring me or anything to do with me? Because I swear to you...
-Forget what happened. Let's be us. Please. I need to hear you say that you're as much in love with me as I am with you.
I sigh, close my eyes, and breathe again. My heart is an uncontrolled drum that I deliver into his hands.
-Blake Blakmoon, you've won me over. I'm crazy about your bones.
Acknowledging feelings is like carrying a backpack of stones for years and never letting go. The feeling of freedom is embarrassing, but very appealing. He kisses me before holding me tightly against his torso.
-We're two official freaks.
-Officers?
-Officers. Basically it means that if anyone tries to get in between us I'll break his face.
-Come on, officer, your face is too big to be smashed again. I'll get a paracetamol for the pain and you go straight to rest.
-I'll take it if you say yes to what I'm going to ask.
-Look, you have arrived with orders. Let's see, tell us what it's about.
-A very simple one. You. I know it's late and you're tired, but... would you like to stay next to me on the couch?
I just fainted, died of love and came back to life.
Don't fall in love with him. Anthony echoes in my head again.
Too late dear friend. I'm officially your bonehead officially.
-I'll get the paracetamol and come back.
Blake sits up and stretches his arms out waiting for me. I go to get the medicine with a smile coloring my hopes. Months ago I would have sworn that making love without sex was an impossibility. Tonight sleeping next to Blake on the couch I discovered my huge mistake.