Tracks
-It was the last school. Alba needs me and I couldn't do anything. I walk down the sidewalk with my soul on the floor.
-You tried. That says a lot about you.
-I loved her...
-And I love you. I understand that you want to give your all for her, but the radio and your attitude are already so much more than the attention those girls will ever get. You've suffered abandonment and you're willing to not abandon them even though you don't know them. And for that I adore you.
-Without you I wouldn't even have been able to try. I stroked her soft chin.
I feel like a cared for and loved child. Many may not be able to understand me, I don't judge them, but my situation is not everyone's situation. Not having a family, I often act like a crumpled piece of paper blown by the wind trying to find a place to belong. Blake has arms in which I feel safe from the gales of loneliness.
-Sofia... -My name on her lips tinkles hundreds of notes I've never heard before. Pride, affection, desire, passion...
-Madam!
Shrieks force us to turn our heads back. A young girl with a notebook held high runs toward us.
-Ma'am," she repeats as she bends at the knees for air.
-Are you talking to me?
The little girl in the blue skirt and white shirt straightens up. She wipes her left shoe on her right sock while moving her body as if she was about to pee.
-Yes," she said, trying to sound confident, even her freckles turned vermillion. I heard the mother superior tell you that you don't know her, but I know her. You're looking for Alba. She spent a weekend with us.
-Are you sure?
-Yes, he called his program from my room.
-Why didn't the mother superior say anything? -Blake is curious.
-She doesn't know her. You see sir, Alba does not belong to this school. The girls and we participated in a get-together to exchange study methods. Alba and I became close friends.
-Can you tell me where he lives?
-I don't know," he answers, biting the nail of his little finger.
-And your last name?
-I don't know either.
-I imagine the school would know," I instantly regret my tone of voice. I'm a little nervous.
-Oh, I know that one. She belongs to the North Wind Institute. If you find her, could you give her this? It's her diary," she says, holding out a hardcover notebook. She left it in my room. I imagine she'll want it back.
-Of course," I replied, picking it up.
The little girl runs back to the school entrance. The huge wooden door opens slowly, revealing three girls who, just as short, are struggling to open the heavy gate. Once the fugitive crossed the threshold, the door closed, leaving the cloister totally closed and impenetrable.
-We got it. Blake is excited.
-It seems so.
I keep looking at the school gate.
-Honey, are you all right?
-Yes.
-Can you tell me why the hell you're not moving? I'm starting to worry.
After a few seconds of complete inertia I turn to face him.
-He called me ma'am. Ma'am. Me! I look down at my T-shirt and my gold Converse, which are anything but formal.
Blake bursts out laughing and hugs me by the shoulders.
-It's no big deal, he called me sir.
-That's because you're boring.
-Miss, you just signed your death warrant," his arms squeeze me and I let myself be wrapped in his warmth. I imagine you're too shocked to hear what I have to say.
-What? -I look up and get a kiss on the lips before I hear the answer.
-The boarding school you mentioned is the same as Mariam's.
-No!
-Yes. And although the director is strict and bitter, I can try.
I cling to his neck and this time I'm the one who steals a deep, suggestive kiss.
-May I? -I ask as I get into the car, looking at the radio.
-Yes, but on one condition, don't ask again. We are a couple. You don't need to ask permission to do anything in my car. It's all yours.
I'm choking. It always happens to me when the heat of shame catches up with me. One moment I am loose and uninhibited, and the next I am with that fire that burns me to the point of words.
-Listen. I lean against the backrest. I move my torso from side to side. I love this song. It's Reik and Maluma. Do you like them?
-I am not a musician.
-Nonsense. Listen.
I lend you my eyes
For you to see how beautiful you are, mmm.
I lend you my hands
For you to touch the clouds if you want oh, oh.
I lend you my fingers to remember...
Blake gives me the funniest look as he steps forward before I can yell at him .
-I'm staring at the road," he says, looking straight ahead. I swear. I didn't look at you. Little word.
-Small word?
-From the baby Jesus.
We both laughed.
I sing until I see the wallet leaning against the dashboard. I mustn't do it. She's nobody. She has a picture of a redhead with tits . Laura's words echo loud and steady in my head. Surely she's the agency's beet head. Hot flashes rage up my neck. Could it be her?
-Why so quiet?
-Hey, nothing. You would have one euro. I'd like to stop and buy a bottle of water, I'm dying of thirst and I don't have any loose change.
-Sure," he says, slowing down at a corner in front of a candy store. He looks around for a place to park. I can't stop.
-Never mind," I say, ashamed of my stupid plan.
-You go downstairs, I'll go around while you shop. Take my wallet," he says, reaching out to pick it up from the dashboard and hand it to me.
As soon as it stops I jump out of the car with my heart hammering in my conscience. I feel like a thief about to be caught. This is not right, this is not right... I repeat to myself as I enter the store and open my wallet with nervous fingers. I search and rummage. Again and again. Two visas, a MasterCard, some cards from I don't know what and a photo of Mariam from many years ago. I can tell her apart because she has the same bright smile and the same green eyes. I dump everything on the counter just in case the busty redhead is stuck in some hiding place in the leather.
-Are you going to buy something?
-Mm yes, a water.
-In the fridge," he says, pointing next to me.
-Yes, of course, how silly. I hadn't seen her.
-One euro," he says impolitely.
-The small wallet has some loose bills in it. I pick up a coin and pay. I pick up all the cards and put them in place. Nothing. The busty one is gone, so why do I feel so bad? I walk out the door just as Blake appears. He pulls up, and I hop in as fast as I can so as not to disrupt traffic. I sit down, leaving my wallet back on the dashboard.
-Did you find what you were looking for?
-No. I mean yes. Thank you," I answer nervously, raising the bottle.
-You don't drink?
-How?
-You were thirsty, but you didn't open it.
I don't answer. I have never done this. I have never gone through anyone's wallet. I shouldn't have. I feel terrible.
-Blake I...
-I threw it away.
-How?
-The photo your friend saw. I threw it away. I wasn't interested in carrying it in my wallet.
I close my eyes in shame. If this were a matrix I would erase the last few minutes of my pitiful life.
-I'm sorry. I don't... I'm sorry.
The silence of our words is mixed with the music of the radio. Right now I'd kick it off, but it doesn't feel right. This is not the time to add another stupid thing to my list of favorites.
We arrive home and he magically manages to park right across the street. I'm about to open the door when his words stop me.
-When I learned of Ruben's existence," he says, shaking his head to look at my seat, "the first thing I did was to look for his picture on the Internet.
-You did that? -Why?
-Curiosity. Anger. Both. And you? Why were you looking for that photo?
-I wanted to know if it was her. The one from the agency.
-Yes. That was Dana.
I bow my head. Confirmation bothers me deep, deep inside.
He brings his hand closer and rests it on mine. I look at them as I lose myself in my suffering feelings.
-Can we forget about Dana and Ruben? I need to make love to you urgently.
I smile half-heartedly.
-Sofia," he says, squeezing my hands tightly, "you know that, don't you?
-What is it? -I dare to look at his face. His gaze shines with the intensity of thousands of night stars.
-That I love you.
Blake stretches his torso toward me. I move closer to him. I am so happy that a salty tear escapes me mingling with the sweetness of his declared kiss.