I am what I am
-I love working with you.
-And me.
The girls mutter under their breath without taking their eyes off each other.
-Who in their right mind doesn't like blue," I murmur, remembering a rather distant past.
-To his father. Anthony's voice is a thick and accurate dagger.
-You've noticed," I reply to my dear friend who sticks to my side next to the coffee pot.
-Impossible not to see it.
I do not look away from them. To see them together is to feel the bonds of love entangled with each other.
-They are deep blue. Anthony repeats my conclusion and my expression forces me to look at him. In a second and without thinking about it, our hearts are charged with emotion.
-Do you remember?
-Who doesn't like blue? Impossible to forget. He wraps his strong hand inside mine.
Anthony was twelve when he decided to let skirts fly out of his closet. Pants are my thing , he said for sure. Around that time he decided he would no longer be anyone's little princess. Karina, Laura and I, a year younger, loved makeup. While we in the elevator reddened our lips, Anthony pulled the male clothes out of his backpack and began the transformation. We were his friends and keepers of all his secrets.
One Saturday afternoon, one of many, we fulfilled our ritual before getting off the elevator. And everything would have been perfect if it hadn't been for Carlos! The most handsome boy in the whole school. Laura, Karina and I looked at each other nervously trying to figure out which one of us would be the chosen one. Karina fidgeted nervously, Laura pinched her cheeks, and I ducked my head in fear. He and his five friends approached, but none of them looked at us. They all focused their attention on Anthony. They said nothing, they didn't need to, their mocking laughter hurt more than a thousand words.
-Don't listen to them," I said as I watched them leave as quickly as they spewed their venom.
-They envy your style," said Karina, who exuded concentrated fury.
-Envy? -The doubt reached Anthony.
-Your style is unique," Laura said hastily.
-Really?
-Of course. They would like to have your demeanor. I answered quickly. Dressed in his father's clothes, he looked at himself without quite believing it.
-The pants, the shirt and even the socks are perfect. Are they blue?
-Yes. Why?
-Who doesn't like blue! -I squealed a little too loudly as the girls shook their heads in affirmation.
It took Anthony many years to realize our lie. Far from getting angry, that day he hugged us until he drowned us in so much gratitude. The four of us made blue the color of the blind at heart or, in other words, the color of the idiots at heart.
-What did we miss?
Karina, Laura and Blake approach intrigued to see Anthony squeeze me against his chest.
-Blue and its immense combinations," I say, taking a breath over his biceps.
-It's a pity about the blindness of certain people," Laura grumbles.
-Have you noticed? -Karina speaks softly.
-It is a silent scream.
Blake positions himself next to me in confusion as he reaches out to pull me into his torso.
In the recording booth, Alba highlights the rundown of the program's themes with phosphorous pink markers. Her friend Estela is her soul mate. Wherever she goes, the other goes with her.
Without speaking, we joined them to begin to organize ourselves.
-Being with you has made me understand many things. Estela speaks, looking up at the coffee pot. Freckles bathe her whitish complexion. She is a teenager with copper curls and a honey-colored gaze not suitable for diabetics.
-What do you mean? -I stand next to him with a few blank sheets of paper.
-Enjoyment.
-Breathe," adds Alba.
-And if you don't breathe, we know what happens. I commented giving a touch of amusement to his statements.
-You can be alive without breathing. Alba wipes the smile off my face with a full face slap.
-You mean obligations?
-Those we do not choose. The ones we don't want. The ones that come tattooed in our lives," Alba clarifies.
-Tattoos are erased, removed or rewritten. It's your skin, your life, your drawing. Anthony speaks seriously.
-Not everyone gets to choose their tattoo. Estela looks at Alba who bows her head guiltily.
-Of course not," my answer causes expectation. My mother abandoned me. I had no choice. I have the abandoned tattoo on my chest.
The girls blink in confusion. It's not a topic I talk about in the hallways. I think it's the first time I've done it in front of a stranger who doesn't call himself a psychologist. Apparently I'm maturing.
-I always felt guilty. She didn't love me. She abandoned me with a leather suitcase and a colorful teddy bear. I've been struggling with my ghosts all my life, and the consequence of hers. Feeling that no one wants to be by my side. That I can't trust.
-How did you get over it? -Alba waits for me to open the chest of wisdom.
-I didn't. I dedicate myself to drawing and painting my days in the present. A new leaf every day.
-What if you are not allowed to draw it?
-What if they don't accept your colors? -Estela expanded the question.
-It's my drawing. I don't care what other people think. My friends are the only audience I care about.
-And her boyfriend," Blake expands as he holds me from behind.
-No, my boyfriend is the museum I want to live in.
I stretch my head back to kiss the air. The girls smile.
-Those who love you will do so regardless of the comments. Karina holds Anthony's hand and brings it to her chest.
-And above the colors -Laura hugs him around the waist.
Anthony breaks the deep silence, but without letting go of the two friends whom he wraps around him like a hawk around its chicks.
-Do we have everything?
-I think," Blake releases me, but not before giving me a quick kiss on the lips.
He sits next to Anthony in the steering booth and looks up. He winks at me before getting down to work. The first time I saw him I was drawn to his explicit beauty, today I'm dying for his introverted beauty.
-We'll have a special program," I say enthusiastically. It will be a super program, but a little different," the girls look at me intrigued. We'll be on the air for two and a half hours listening to our audience.
-Isn't that the usual? -Estela answers confused.
-Yes. -But no.
-I'm lost. We keep quiet, don't we? -Alba trembles.
-No. I want you to be the voice of the program. Today the radio will be all yours.
-I'm leaving..." Alba turns around when Laura stops her by the elbow.
-I can't. Estela denies so hard that her head slips from her neck.
-Cowards?
-Simple survivors. Alba nods to Estela's words.
-We will be by your side at all times.
-We will all have a microphone. Karina enthusiastically completes me.
-There is no danger. Any one of us will come to your aid. It will be fun.
-I don't understand. Estela caresses the heart-shaped pendant that dances across her chest.
-It's a special program. We'll dedicate it to us and the difficulties of life. It's going to be great! -The joy is pouring out of my pores.
-I can't give advice. My life is a mess. Alba nods her head a thousand times.
-We all have our disasters. I am one myself. We don't ask for perfection. No one possesses it. Our listeners are satisfied with our sincerity.
-We will be a fraud..." Alba sobs.
-The solution does not lie in what has been overcome, but in the tears that choke us and we try to dry.
-I won't be able to.
-You are not alone. Neither of us is. We will accompany you.
They both look at each other with little abandoned cat eyes.
-Girls, our imperfection makes us valuable.
-I am. Anthony replies from the cockpit to Karina, "I mean perfect," he completes, drawing a laugh from us.
The director's thumb is raised in the air and we settle into our chairs. The music envelops us.
So pretty, it makes the sky jealous.
Whatever you wear suits you
And he doesn't fix his hair
She is criticized because she hates wearing heels
Does not like to go to parties
And he reads books for sport
I want it to appear
And to show it off to my friends as the first one
Who stole my heart
The girls dance with their butts glued to the chairs as they shake their leaves in the air. Alba adjusts her helmets, and Estela smiles at her.
Let me explain that I love you, oh
And I don't know you, I don't have you, oh
My neck, infected by the rhythm, cracks from one side to the other. My mane dances. I feel deeply optimistic.
Let me tell you that I dream of you, oh
The perfect woman for me
I raise my head. I look for him. We meet. He is happy. I am happy. My memory fills with long-awaited kisses.
-You're doing a great program! Congratulations, girls! -Anthony's voice rises above the volume of the music, which begins to gradually lower.
-Anthony has been a little deaf for an hour.
Estela's joke makes us all laugh as Alba resumes the conversation with the listener.
The program is theirs. Both have a control worthy of applause. The shyness was transformed into spectacular fluency. Watching them together is admirable.
-Maricarmen, we appreciate your story.
-You're fantastic," Estela adds to Alba's comment, "Restorer of the Prado Museum. And I didn't know that this career existed. You are a great Maricarmen!
-Thank you very much, girls. The important thing, and why I was calling, is to say that we all can do it. I did it and I am the example that you can do it. They told me I wasn't good enough. And when I finally made it, I was told I would never make a living from my career. Today I earn more than my partner, my children adore me and my profession is one of my greatest joys.
-You flood us with courage. Alba reflects hope in the timbre of her voice.
-You are also an example for old women of twenty-one like me. I comment into the microphone, capturing the laughter of my companions.
-Strength, girls! We can do it, we are not alone!
-Goodbye Maricarmen. Estela says goodbye to the listener as she watches Anthony make hand gestures. It looks like we have another call.
The girl has become the queen of communications.
-Hello?
-Hello, I'm calling to say that the program is super cool. I don't see them, but I'm sure they're great for dipping in sauce.
The girls are surprised. Laura closes her eyes and Karina bites her lip to keep from screaming. Anthony on the other side of the booth writes on a sheet of paper that he holds up high. I need a new keyboard. Now!
-Your name is? -Alba trembles at the male voice.
-I am Chechu.
-Hello Chechu," I answer, taking command of the boat, "We thank you for your insistent presence. Now if you allow us...
-You're welcome. These girls talk with a pair of balls. I like women with balls. How old are you?
-Chechu we give you the...
-Are you minors? I don't care. Women, the more tender the better. Tell that to the old man who's with Yoli. I don't care. As long as I fuck the son of a bitch Richard who fucks...
-Goodbye Chechu!
Blake drops his head on the keyboard and we all gasp as the call is finally cut off.
The music begins to play, drowning out the liberating emptiness left by the loss of the last call. Someone explain to me what I did wrong in this life for my most loyal listener to be Chechu.
Anthony thanks his partner with a slap on the back and the rest of us catch our breath. Blake, meanwhile, still has his head on the desk catching his breath. We all gasp when Emma greets us on the other side. It's a girl, or more importantly, it's not Chechu.
-We hear you Emma. I let Alba and Estela take over the helm of the program. The coast is clear.
-Hi, I... I don't know where to start.
Emma falls silent and Alba begins to speak freely.
-We are among friends. Believe me, I say this from experience. Talking is as necessary as eating. Expressing ourselves is the first step to becoming free.
I raise my hands and clap soundlessly. Alba nods her thanks and the girls go up and down doing the wave.
-I'm dating a guy," she stammers on the other end.
-That's good, isn't it?
-At first, yes, I liked it, or so I think. Now I'm not sure.
-It is normal. Relationships are about getting to know each other. If the other person is not what you expected, nothing happens. Breaking up can be a hard but necessary step. True love may come later.
Estela fixes her gaze on Alba who responds with a smile before continuing. Anthony looks up at me and I drop my eyelids. We were both right. They are blue.
-I can't leave him. My father won't let me.
-Why? -Estela is confused by the story.
-My father is unemployed. He is the son of a man who offered him a job. My father is forcing me to stay with him for at least one more year. And I can't take any more of his... you know.
-You can't stay by his side. You have to think about yourself. It's your life. You draw your own pictures. Estela is indignant.
-But what about my father?
A strange shadow on the other side of the booth distracts me. Anthony closes the curtain so we can't see anything that's going on. I stand up and almost secretly warn Laura and Karina, who are startled when they see the darkness on the other side. We never use that curtain.
-Where is my daughter!
Alba's father's screams crash against the glass as soon as I poke my nose through the door. I feel like those Superball couples that the cameras focus on just as they start kissing. If I could I would kill myself right here. And that's not a metaphor. His hands come straight for my neck.
-Don't even think about it. Blake's deep voice intensifies as he stands in her way.
-I will destroy them!
-You should sit down. We need to talk.
-I want my daughter!
-She is doing an internship on our radio. And if I may say so, I must confess that she is doing fantastically well.
-Not anymore!
Mr. Ponce de Leon is about to enter the recording booth, when this time it is Anthony, who stands in his way. The man wrinkles his eyes menacingly.
-Don't be an idiot and move.
-My name is Anthony. And I'm not moving.
As Blake crosses his arms. I always thought that gesture was more for barnyard cockerels than for men with brains. Now I wouldn't be so sure. The muscles bulging underneath his shirts make the overbearing man's feet step back two shoes.
-Please, I only ask that you listen to us. When Alba contacted us she was a suffering child.
-That's a lie! My daughter has everything. She's at the top of her class. She has a prosperous future, the teachers praise her....
-And he wanted to commit suicide.
-What are you talking about? What a fucking joke this is!
-Your daughter is not happy with her life. She needs your understanding.
The man staggers. I take my chance to strike. Abandoned girls learn to hit rather than cry. Kicks in the shins, deadly screams, spitting in the air before running away.
-Alba suffers and something tells me that you know exactly why.
Anthony reaches out and presses the intercom button. Voices from the other end begin to ring in the booth. The girls' giggles intermingle with the depth of our thoughts.
-Is she here too? -The man looks saturated.
-Yes, Estela is here. Closing your eyes does not hide the problems.
-What did I do wrong? Why are they together?
Ponce de León falls into Anthony's chair. The weight of his own thoughts crush him. Clashing feelings struggle above his hardened head.
-He hasn't done anything. No one has. Feelings are the result of a profoundly unknown force. We cannot mark love with rules because it does not understand them.
-It's an aberration! -he cries, choking in his own shame. His head falls to his knees and his hands cover his ears. On the sides, metallic gray hair envelops his madness.
-Mr. Ponce de León, are you a believer?
-Of course. The answer bounces off the floor. He is devastated.
The struggle inside is a war of giants. If it weren't for Anthony's wide chair it would melt like jelly out of a refrigerator on a hot afternoon.
-I am, too," the man looks up in surprise when he hears me. Although somewhat different than you. In my beliefs, love is above all else.
-A man and a woman are the origin. Two women together is vice. What they have is not natural.
Anthony tenses up.
-My beliefs are based on feelings. Love is so wonderful that it needs no limitations. The world carries too much hate for us to march against the heart as well, don't you think?
-Young people's nonsense. You do not see beyond your disturbed noses.
-No way. I say that from experience. And believe me, I have it. When I was born instead of a kiss I received a slap. I understand the depth of love because I swam in the sewers of its absence. Mr. Ponce de Leon, they love each other. Who are we to live their lives? You are a good man, let her be herself.
The man shakes his head. But not to me, something tells me that his inner self is fighting against an indisputable truth. Taking a risk, I press the volume button so that the girls' voices can be heard loudly throughout the cabin. I cross my fingers.
The girls, concentrating on their work and with a dense curtain over the glass, are unaware of the dark presence on the other side.
-Emma," Alba's voice is so sweet that her father raises his head. You have to understand. I'm sure if you both do your part, your father will understand. He's your father. How could he not love you?
Mr. Ponce de León stiffens in his seat. I do not speak to him. We don't talk to him. Blake, Anthony and I let him listen. His gray aura cracks and crumbles at his daughter's voice.
-Sometimes parents make mistakes, it's normal, we do it too. But I'm sure he loves you and will understand you.
-You talk like that because it's not you.
Emma, on the other side, can be heard pressing a handkerchief to her nose.
-You'd be surprised," Alba observes Estela, who smiles at her like flowers do when they want to attract bees. My father is stubborn. Sometimes he thinks he knows everything, but I don't care, I know he loves me.
-And you don't mind?
-Oh yes, very much so.
-And what do you do?
-First I think of a thousand ways to kill him," the girls smile, "but then I remember how much I love him and realize that he loves me so much that he is unable to see beyond his deep protectiveness.
Alba's father lets the tears roll off his eyes, which are slipping between the grooves of his sternness.
-Not all of us are lucky enough to have a father like yours.
-Alba's father is terrific," Estela's voice takes over and the businessman's eyes widen in surprise. He's a man who loves his daughter enough to be afraid of her mistakes. He would build a world just for her. We all wish we were his daughter.
I press the mute button.
-They're good girls. Who are we to decide which love is right? -I say as I take the sound out of the booth. They love each other. Real love has no impurities.
The father cries silently. He doesn't answer. Anthony smiles at me with choked emotion. Beside him Blake kisses me with his eyes. Anthony looks to me for approval. I nod. The sound of the curtain moves slowly. Slowly the glass begins to become transparent. On the other side the girls dismiss the program. Anthony presses for advertising and music to cover our voices.
Estela is the first to raise her head and become petrified. Alba is the second to freeze. After a few seconds in which the girls finally regain their color, they approach and enter the room.
-Dad, are you crying? I didn't mean to... I swear I...
The man walked the two steps that separated them before silencing her in a tight embrace.
-I'm sorry," he repeated over and over in a deep voice.
Tears choke back. Laura, Karina and Estela watch from the doorway. Alba's arms begin to move slowly until they wrap around and clutch her father's back each second tighter than the last.
-I'm sorry too. I'm so sorry. I would never hurt you. I swear.
-No one is going to hurt my baby girl. I love you. You're all I want.
The two ask each other for forgiveness while the rest of us move our faces to secretly wipe away our tears. They take each other's hand and walk out into the street. They don't say goodbye. I don't take it badly. They are totally absorbed in each other's embrace.
-Thank you. They needed it. Estela stares at the door.
-The program is finished. We could use some refreshments. Will you join us? -I ask, trying to erase the sadness that covers her.
-I have to go back to the boarding school. Thank you," she answers without taking her eyes off the door.
-It will come back to you. You need some time to come clean with each other.
-I know," he replies ruefully.
I scratch my head looking for some clever idea to distract her when the street door opens.
-I was thinking," the announcer's thick voice peeks through the doorframe, "that maybe you'd like to join us for dinner. There's a burger joint nearby that has two Michelin stars. They say the barbecue sauce is the best in all of Madrid.
-I..." Estela is so excited that she is unable to speak. She looks at him and looks at me dumbfounded.
-I think you should go. They're the best hamburgers in all of Madrid," I say as I bring my backpack over to him. And that sauce is not to be missed.
The girl covers her lips nervously before hugging me. Alba waits for her next to her father. They are both so happy that if feelings were measured by weight the floor would crumble. Alba reaches out her hand and Estela accepts it before they get lost together in the hallway. Mr. Ponce de León lingers for a few seconds.
-Thank you.
-They deserve it. You deserve it. You are a great father.
The man left. Laura and Karina hugged Anthony who was crying like a little boy and Blake pulls me to his chest talking over my head.
-You are all I want. I'm not going to lose you. Not for anything.
It's funny how feelings make us say things that don't make sense. Blake is in one of those moments. Why would I want to leave him?