Chapter 14 #2
“My mom was in town, and she was mad at me because she should’ve been planning my wedding considering how long we dated, and just to shut her up, I told her that he was getting married to someone else, so he clearly hadn’t ever really loved me.”
Flow whines louder while Declan looks down at his feet.
But I suddenly need to do this.
I need to do this because I’ve never had a chance to do it before, and despite years of evidence to the contrary, after everything Declan’s done since he got here, I think he’ll listen.
And hopefully listen well enough that I’ll be certain he can’t possibly like me anymore, which will solve the problem of me wondering if I’m starting to get a crush on my ex’s best friend, or if I just like when people like me.
“I’d popped a gummy because—well, you’ve met my mother.
When she kept insisting that he wasn’t really getting married, that he’d set the whole thing up to trick me into realizing how much I loved him and how much I wanted him back, I—I just—between the gummy and all of the reasons I needed therapy, I started to believe her, and stars know all she’d do was encourage me when I said I was going to stop his wedding, so—so that’s what I did.
I gave in to the voices telling me I needed to cause a scene, and I—well. You know the rest.”
I’m whispering so softly by the time I finish that I can barely hear myself.
“I still hear the voices,” I say. “I still hear them telling me to set fire to a trash can or to open my car door and intentionally hit someone else’s car or to flirt with a hot hockey player because it’ll be good for ratings.”
“Do you set fire to trash cans?” he murmurs.
“No.”
“Intentionally damage other people’s cars?”
“No.”
“Flirt with hot hockey players?”
“That’s why I dated Alex.”
“Ginny.”
“I’ve been in therapy since I got here. Therapy, and—and finding healthy hobbies, and I don’t do gummies anymore, and I don’t do anything for the—for the attention now, ever, even if—even if I still hear it in my head sometimes.”
Declan’s quiet.
And that’s good.
It really is.
Hopefully this—this convinces him that I’m not worth his time.
If he still likes me.
He shouldn’t like me.
I don’t want him to like me.
I didn’t want him to hate me, and now I don’t want him to like me.
I just want—I want him to go away.
Because he confuses me and I don’t like that.
I know where that goes.
But I also want him to stay.
I’m a goddamn wreck.
“Junior year, I was part of the crew that trashed the university president’s house,” Declan says.
I suck in a breath. “You—”
“Couple of my buddies took full responsibility because they didn’t want me to get kicked off of the team.”
“You don’t have to—”
“Alex dared me to streak through the quad.”
“That doesn’t hurt anyone.”
“Scared one of the English professors so badly that she had a heart attack.”
I don’t remember this, but I did a semester abroad junior year, and I wasn’t dating Alex yet then. “No.”
“Yes.”
“You can’t have a heart attack just from being scared.”
“Maybe. Maybe not. But I got credit for saving her life instead of credit for nearly killing her.”
“Please stop trying to make what I did any better,” I whisper.
“Give yourself credit for choosing to be a good person despite how your mother trained you, and I’ll stop talking.”
“We can be—friends—while you’re here, but this isn’t—we’re not—I don’t—”
Flow howls.
Not whimper-howl-whines, but howls.
Up on her feet, snout to the air, howling like she’s calling all of her fellow Bernedoodles to come save missing puppies.
Declan latches a hand onto her collar. “Hey, girl. Down. It’s okay.”
She howls again, then flops to her back on the ground in front of the steps, panting.
Declan rubs his brow. “Seriously?” he says to his dog.
“What’s wrong with her?”
“She doesn’t like it when people are upset.”
“I’m not upset.”
Flow howls again.
Declan pins me with a look as the door bursts open.
“What is that?” Cricket says.
“What are you doing to that poor dog?” Olivia demands.
“She hasn’t done that all day,” Samantha says.
“What the actual fuck?” Mabel says as Flow howls again. “Make it stop. Make it stop right now.”
Declan lifts his brows at me, like I’m supposed to fix this.
“I’m not upset,” I shriek.
Flow howls louder, and her legs flop out.
The dog is throwing a temper tantrum of the variety that I threw on that stupid TV show.
“Fine. Fine.” I rise, march down the steps, and squat next to the howling dog. “Stop that right now.”
The howl stops midstream, and Flow cocks her head to look at me.
“You’re messing up your pretty fur.”
She whimpers.
“Are you trying to make a point?”
She wiggles on the ground, on her back, until she’s pressing her body against me, all of that soft fluffy fur brushing my legs, big brown puppy dog eyes begging for forgiveness while she jerks her head like she’s trying to reach my hand.
I slide a look at Declan. “Did you give her some kind of secret hand signal?”
“Nope. She just likes you and doesn’t like you upset.”
“Why’d you upset Ginny?” Olivia asks.
“All of us want to know,” Mabel adds.
“I told you dogs suck,” Lav yells from the nearest field. I can hear the smile in her voice.
Heath’s voice carries too, softer, and even though I can’t make out his exact words, I can guess what he’s saying.
We can say suck at home, but don’t say it at school.
“Ginny was on the internet,” Declan says to my friends.
“Ginny,” Cricket gasps.
Declan smirks at me, then rises. “I’m gonna take a nap. See you all at harvest. C’mon, Flow.”
She snorts at him.
He folds his arms over his chest.
She looks away from him, peeks one eye at me, and then snorts again.
“Fine. Stay with Ginny. But if she gets tired of you, you’re coming back to the apartment, understand?” Declan says.
Flow yawns.
“Good girl.” He rubs her belly, then nods to all of us. “Enjoy dinner.”
My friends all watch me as he departs.
None of them say a word until Heath and Lavender have caught up to us and Declan has faded into the distance.
“You okay?” Mabel asks me.
I blow out a breath. “Just peeling back more layers of things I haven’t fully dealt with yet.”
And a few layers that Declan’s added.
At least harvest is happening tonight.
The sooner we get the grapes and juice fermenting, the sooner he can leave.
And then maybe I’ll get my own dog.
A dog, I can commit to.
A man—I wish I could trust myself.
Not that Declan is that man.
But he’s making me wonder if I’m missing out on part of my life.
And I don’t like it.