Chapter 25
twenty-five
ROWAN
I think I’m going to throw up.
I still have my towel wrapped around my waist, so if I do, I think I’ll be okay.
I don’t know why I let Addie push me into asking Ellie to go out to dinner. She was relentless that day. She won the ‘annoying little sister award,’ and I told her that. She shrugged and said, I’m okay with that.
I was almost positive Ellie wasn’t going to agree to a date. Then again, I didn’t specify that this was a date. Just two friends going out to eat. That’s normal, right?
There were a lot of reasons why she could say no. So, when I asked her, I wasn’t getting my hopes up. I can’t control how Ellie feels, what she thinks, or what she will say. It’s one of the reasons I tend to keep myself distant from potential relationships. I can’t control another person, and I’m not going to be the controlling type in a relationship. That’s not me, and that’s a really shitty thing to do. I can control my life and what happens because it’s mine.
I question my worth every single day with everything. Am I good enough at my job? Does everyone enjoy the beer James and I create every day? Am I a good son, a good brother, am I worthy of everyone’s friendship, am I worthy of Ellie?
It’s exhausting to question myself every day. Addie is right. I need to stop letting our father control how I look at life. I grew up with a lot of love from everyone else, but a dad and son are supposed to have this unbreakable bond.
I wonder if he would be proud of how I’ve carried out my life. I know I shouldn’t care, but I can’t help it. He’s still my dad at the end of the day. Even if he doesn’t love me.
I place my hands on the bathroom counter and look at myself in the mirror. My stormy, sky eyes look right back at me, and I can see all the scars behind them. The memories that I’ve tried to repress. It’s hard to do that when I see my father in the mirror every day.
I break my gaze and return to reality when I hear my phone buzz on the bathroom counter next to my hand. I look down at the screen, and Addie’s photo glows toward me. I slide the green button and hit the speakerphone.
“What’s up?” I ask.
“I…” She sighs. “I just wanted to see how you’re feeling. I know I was a bit harsh on you the other day and pushed you to do this. I don’t have any regrets, but I know I could have been a bit softer with my approach.”
I let out a silent laugh and drop my head between my shoulders. My hair falls, and I can see the strands swaying in my peripheral vision. I need to get a haircut.
“It’s okay,” I reply.
I can hear relief on the other end of the line when she sighs. “Are you nervous?”
“Well, if you were to see me hovering above my bathroom sink, would you say I look nervous?”
“Ro don’t get in your head. You two are going to have a fun time.”
“I know we will.” I try to sound confident, but my facial expression says otherwise.
“Do you know what you’re going to wear?”
“What? You don’t trust my outfit choices?” I smile at the phone.
“I do. But because this is a special occasion, I want you to look your best.”
I stand up straight and grab my phone off the counter. I walk over to my closet and look at everything available to me. Flannels, plain T-shirts, graphic T-shirts, casual button-ups, and dressy button-ups.
“Did you decide where you’re taking her?”
“Yeah, I made reservations at the new Italian place,” I reply while moving around my hangers.
“Zesty Ziti? I hear that place is so good. They have this cookie skillet that’s supposed to be amazing. You should get that.”
“I’ll get it if Ellie wants it.” I pull out a shirt and hold it out. “Would you say a band T-shirt is too casual?”
“Ro, really? A band T-shirt? Ellie deserves better than that, and you know it.”
I put the hanger back and drop my hand to my side.
“Why don’t you wear the short-sleeved button-up, the navy blue one with the tiny white polka dots? Pair it with those chino pants. You know, the darkish khaki ones? It will go well with your shirt.”
I cross to my dresser, open the middle drawer, and grab my pants. For a moment, my hand hovers over the first drawer. I feel my hand clench and release. When I open it, I look down to see neatly folded stacks of socks, but I let my hand go toward the back until I hit something.
A small box.
My hand wraps around the velvety surface as I pull it out from the drawer. I set my phone down on top of the dresser while Addie continues to talk. My finger grazes around the edge, feeling the fuzz-like material against my skin.
I’m just about to open it when I hear Addie break through this trance.
“Rowan are you still there?” she asks.
I close my eyes for a moment before opening them and tucking away the jewelry box back in its place where it’s been sitting for ten years.
I clear my throat. “Yeah, sorry. You don’t think that would look too dorky?”
“Rowan, you're a dork to begin with. Plus, there’s not much to work with when it comes to your wardrobe.”
“Ouch. All right.”
“Now get dressed, do your hair, and pick up your dream girl. You’re already running late.”
“You don’t even know what time I made the reservation for.”
“It’s already six o’clock, so I can only assume your reservation is between seven-thirty and eight.”
“Creep.”
“You know you love me.”