Chapter 48
forty-eight
ROWAN
“I’m really glad you decided to come see me,” my father tells me.
He’s glad that I came here. Interesting. I wasn’t expecting any of this. I’m not sure what I was expecting. I had all the questions ready in my head. But they all disappeared when I saw him at the door.
I turn to look inside the house and see Ellie and Amy.
When I think about Ellie and how close she is to me even though she’s inside, I get this spark in my chest. This courage. I swallow down the nerves that have built up. I’m not leaving here until I have my questions answered.
“Amy, is she your wife?” I finally ask. A question I didn’t initially plan but seeing her was unexpected and went to the top of that list.
My dad lowers his eyes and then nods. When he looks up at me, he smiles and says, “We've been married for five years now.”
Five years. That’s—not a long time at all. The next question comes to me.
“How did you two meet?” I keep my facial expression neutral and my demeanor calm.
He smiles brightly at me, clearly happy that I asked that question. “I kept running into her every morning on my runs. I would take a path along the beach, and she would run past me every time. As time went on, we started greeting each other. First, a small smile, then a nod. Two weeks in, she said hello to me.”
He peers into the house. I follow his gaze, and it lands on Ellie, talking to Amy in the kitchen. She’s smiling and even laughs a little bit. I feel my lip curving into a smile, but I suddenly stop it.
“Every morning,” dad continues. “I would get excited to see her. The little interaction always had me looking forward to the next day. A month later, I asked her if she wanted to grab lunch after her run. That was that.”
“So, you run?” I ask.
He lifts his brows and then smiles. “I do. I try to run every day. It helps with my anxiety. It’s one of the reasons I run, not because I enjoy it, but it really helps with that and stress.” He puts his hand out to me and says, “Enough about me, please. I would love to hear what you’ve been up to all these years.”
I’m caught off guard by the change in conversation. I wasn’t planning to tell him anything about me. I wanted to know everything about him and why he left. I want to hear it from him . But there’s another part of me, the kid in me, that is happy he wants to know about me and what I’ve been up to.
I clear my throat before saying, “Well, I have my own business. I run a brewery back in Dove Point.”
He smiles excitedly. “That’s amazing, what’s it called? How long has it been up and running?”
“It’s called The Salty Dog. Me and a close friend co-own it. The name came from my dog, Milo.”
“Oh, wow, what kind of dog is Milo?”
“A golden retriever. I found him outside of town on the side of the road. Someone left him there with his things when he was a puppy. I took that as a sign that he needed me in his life—and I needed him in mine.”
His smile fades away when he nods, and I’m sure that story opened wounds for him. I can take the opportunity to steer the conversation in the direction I want.
“How come I wasn’t enough? Enough for you to stay. Not only for me and mom, but for Addie, too,” I ask quickly.
He lets out a heavy breath, and I can tell he’s uncomfortable. “I don’t want to blame my age because your mother is the same age as me, of course. But I’m not going to lie and say that wasn’t part of it. Everyone grows up differently. People change. Sometimes, it can be a good change or a bad change. I wasn’t the father that I wanted to be for you and your sister. I did try. I tried my hardest, but I felt like I had to grow up. Rowan, I loved your mom so much. I loved her so much that it killed me to leave you all, and I didn’t leave because I wanted to. I left to protect you and your sister. I knew that I would not be the dad you deserved to have. I was young and immature. We had you and Addie very quickly. You two are only a year apart. We were thrown into parenthood so fast.
“Your mom was the stronger one between the two of us. She is the most incredible woman that I’ve had the pleasure of knowing and getting to marry. I wasn’t there physically, but I always made sure that the three of you were always taken care of. We grew up together, as I’m sure you know. She was the first girl I’d dated, the only girl I’d dated. We were each other’s first. All I knew was her, and all she knew was me. I knew I wanted to be with her after we graduated high school.” He shakes his head before continuing, “We got married very, very young. We were still learning about ourselves, who we were, what we wanted. As time went on.” He looks down at his hands. “I started to question what I wanted. I kept convincing myself that the family I had was what I wanted. Telling myself that I was a good dad and husband. Your mom and I would have these arguments. She would need to tell me when she needed help instead of me just helping her. We made sure never to have them in front of you and Addie.
“She said that I needed to be home more, and that I needed to pull my weight when it came to all of us. I was a terrible father.” He takes a breath and looks at me, his eyes suddenly glossy. “I remember the day I left.” He looks up to the sky, trying to blink away the tears and face me again. “It was both of our decisions that it was for the better. I…I remember you running after me, crying for me. And it completely broke me,” he says through tears, his voice cracking. “I wanted so badly to take you with me, but I knew that I couldn’t. I knew I couldn’t because I was leaving for the exact reason I couldn’t be around. I didn’t have the mentality to take care of you. I thought parenthood would click for me, like it did for your mom, but it didn’t. Not until I was much older.” He sniffs, running his fingers under his eyes. “When you were calling out for me…I…I was clenching my fists so hard that I made my palms bleed. I dug my nails so hard into my skin because I had to stop myself from taking you with me.
“I wanted to be that role model for you. I wanted you to look up to me.” He shakes his head again. “But I couldn’t let myself do that. It wouldn’t have been fair to you. You would have just thought that your dad was a joke. I would rather you hate me than think I was a pathetic dad who couldn’t give you what you want.” He wipes another tear away. “I hated myself for years, Rowan. I thought about you and Addie day and night. I thought about how I didn’t deserve you all. I didn’t deserve your mom. I wish I had known all of that sooner. But at the same time, I’m glad. I’m glad I stayed with your mom and had you and your sister. You guys bring so much joy into your mother’s life. But I knew the best way to take care of you was from afar.”
I swallow down the urge to walk away. Seeing my dad like this, seeing him broken, and admitting that it was just as hard for him to leave me as it was for me to watch him leave. All this time, I thought it was something so simple for him. In front of me, all I see is a man who was just as broken as I was. But one thing he said had me questioning him.
“You said you took care of us. What do you mean?” My voice quivers.
He opens his mouth, shuts it, then opens it again. “I’ve said too much.”
“You’ve already said it, so tell me,” I argue.
“Maybe you should talk to your mother more. I don’t know how much she’s told you, and I’m not trying to come between you and her. That’s not my intention.” He looks at me cautiously, like he’s not trying to cause an argument.
“I’m a grown man. I’m twenty-nine. I can deal with mom after you tell me what you meant by ‘take care of us.’ Please, just tell me,” I beg, leaning forward while I rest my elbows on my knees.
He lays back in his chair, propping both of his arms on the armrests. He’s thinking, trying to decide if it’s his place, even though he’s the one that slipped up.
He puts his hands out and finally says, “You can see that I’m doing very well for myself. I don’t need to tell you that.”
He’s a drug lord. I knew it.
He angles his head while keeping his eyes on me. “No, I’m not part of some drug cartel or mob.”
I twist my face in confusion, splaying my hands outward, and then clasp them together again, wondering why he would say that. He chuckles and smiles at my reaction.
“You don’t think people wonder that? At least, people who don’t know me. I’m a private person, so people assume.” He shrugs. “It’s kind of fun.”
“So.” I pause for a moment, then continue, “What do you do for a living?”
He gives me a warm smile and says, “I’m an engineering executive at an employee-owned engineering and consulting firm.”
Shit. So, he’s a genius. And he makes a shit load of money. I don’t say anything. I just wait for him to continue.
“I’ve been helping your mom support you and your sister. It was the least I could do if I wasn’t going to be there—in your life.”
I let out a chuckle. “Yeah, that’s called child support. You kind of had no choice there.”
“Fair, but your mom didn’t ask for money or come after me for it when she found out how well I was doing. We spoke over the phone. I told her how much I would send her each month, and she wasn’t having it. Your mom can be a scary woman when she holds her ground on something, but I told her to think about you and Addie. How much it would benefit all of you. Affording school, clothes, sports, hobbies. I wanted you two to be as comfortable as you can. I wanted you two to achieve whatever it was that you wanted to do in life. Help put you through college. So, I’ve been sending her two checks a month ever since you were ten.”
I think back and realize just how much mom has given us. How she afforded all those extra things, and she didn’t seem to stress or struggle. I was on the surf team in high school, and she paid for everything. She paid for Addie’s car when she turned sixteen.
I was able to get a scholarship for college, but she still took care of all my books, the laptop I needed, and my dorm room. And then Addie when she went to school. It didn’t click until now that mom wouldn’t have been able to afford that, especially when she was just a florist. You don’t pay attention to that stuff as a kid.
I swallow down the tears that try to well-up in my eyes. I try to distract myself from those emotions as much as possible. I rub my hand on my jaw, the stubble gently scratching my palm, and then run my hand through my hair.
“Rowan, I’ve waited years to apologize to you. I want to apologize to your sister. I would love to have you two back in my life.”
“Why didn’t you ever come to us? Why did you wait until one of us went to you?” I ask harshly.
“Trust me, there were many times that your mother and I talked about it. We both didn’t know when the right time would be. As the years went on.” He shrugs. “I thought maybe it was best to leave you and your sister alone. As long as you two were happy, then I was happy.”
“But I wasn’t happy. Dad, when you left, I thought you hated me. I questioned myself every day. I wondered what I did wrong to make you leave. I would tell myself I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t the son you wanted, so you left.”
His shoulders fall. “Rowan.” He looks away, cursing at himself, and then back to me. “I am so sorry that I put you through that. I’m going to regret how I went about things for the rest of my life. I was a coward. I will never forgive myself for putting you through that.” He puts a hand on his chest. “From what your mom has told me; you sound like an amazing son who treats your mother so well. I’m so proud of you for the things you’ve accomplished in your life, and I hope that you will allow me to now be part of that.
“I want to be part of the milestones you still need to accomplish. I want to meet the person you want to marry. I want to find out if I have the privilege of being a grandpa. I want to meet Milo, tour your brewery, and catch up on everything that I’ve missed out on. But that’s only if you will let me. I will not make you do anything you don’t want to do.”
I let myself go and let the tears fall from my eyes. The man I thought didn’t love me, appreciate me, or want me—it was the complete opposite. He thought about me every day, just like I thought about him every day. He was and is proud of me. I’m not the fuck up I thought I was. He’s proud of me. Me.
I place my elbows on my knees again, covering my face and hiding my emotions. I’m so wrapped up in it, none of this feels real, not until I feel a hand on my shoulder. A strong grip that holds on to me. I look down, noticing my dad's Vans. And I can’t control the laughter that bubbles out of me.
I suddenly feel his hand lift off my shoulder and I’m sure I’ve startled him. I pull myself back up and look at him. The confusion knits his brows together.
“Your shoes,” I say weakly and point to them.
He looks down, lifting on foot before setting it back down. “My shoes?”
“Are those your favorite or something?”
“Uh, yeah. I’ve worn them ever since I was a kid. I would skateboard with my friends through town. We would try to find the highest hill possible, and I always had my Vans. I’ve broken many boards.”
A smile tugs on my lips, and I continue to laugh. I hear his laugh, and when I hear it close, we have the same laugh. I always thought my laugh was silly and a little bit annoying but knowing it’s something else I share with my dad; I don’t find it really annoying anymore.
“Can I show you something?” he asks.
I sit up straighter and say, “Sure.”
He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out his brown leather wallet. Is he going to show me all the hundred-dollar bills he keeps in it? When he opens it, he pulls something out from a small pocket and shows it to me.
A small boy with his two front teeth missing. His hair is disheveled while wearing his Power Rangers pajamas, and his arms are wrapped around a young girl with thick, wild hair. Both give the biggest smile they possibly can.
“I’ve had that in my wallet for about twenty-three years. Any time I would buy a new wallet; it would go into that one. I always keep it with me.” He looks down at the photo, smiling.
I think about Addie and what she would think about all of this. Would she roll her eyes at this gesture? Probably not, since she would most likely not give him the time of day to begin with.
I look at my dad, his eyes beaming with pride.
He puts his hand back on my shoulder and says, “I would love to have you two back in my life if you let me. Be a part of me and Amy and your stepsiblings.”
That gets my attention quickly, and I look up at him. Stepsiblings? I didn’t notice any photos, family photos. Then again, everything stunned me. I don’t even remember stepping into the house.
He gives me a bright smile, and I look into his glossy eyes. I can feel my head starting to pound by the amount of crying I’ve just done. I can have my dad back. I can start over with him. Of course, I’m still weary and wonder if he will leave again. But I need to try, and I know he will too.