20. Salem
TWENTY
SALEM
Blaine speaks in a muffled voice to someone in the background before sounding like he’s walking to another room. “Uh, sure. What’s up?”
Inhaling deeply before blowing the breath out, I brace myself for the answer to the question I’m about to ask.
“I need to know something, and after all this time, I think I’m ready to hear the answer.” My eyes sting with the threat of tears.
“Okay.”
“What did I do wrong? Specifically. I need to know what it was about me that drove you to do what you did.”
“Salem…”
“And don’t sugarcoat it and give me a bunch of lines about it not being me and all that other hedging bullshit. Why wasn’t I enough? Why did you cheat?”
Blaine blows out a breath. “Are you sure you want to do this?”
Even though my hands are clammy and I might vomit later, I know that if I want to stop holding back and enjoy whatever this is with Indy, I need to know what it is about me that sends men running.
“I’m sure.”
“Okay, well, first off I owe you a huge apology. No one deserves to be cheated on, and I feel like shit for it. I hurt you, and I hate that.”
Heat washes over me as I fight back tears. “Thanks.”
“As far as why it happened, the simplest answer is that I was too immature to deal with my feelings the right way.”
“Please, Blaine. Tell me what it was I did. I need to hear it.”
“Honestly? There was this energy… Desperation is the word that comes to mind. Neediness. You said a lot of stuff that scared me.”
“Scared you?”
“Yeah. You used to tell me how amazing I was and how I made you so happy and you wanted to spend all your time with me. I wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment and I didn’t even know if I could live up to your expectations.”
His words sting, but I sit and take it like being at a firing range. “Go on.”
“We agreed to take it slow, right? But you didn’t. You were all in before I could even figure shit out. I liked you, but… Salem…”
“Tell me. Please.”
“Being with you felt like being suffocated.” His tone is gentle, like he’s speaking to a child. “You made me your whole identity and it was overwhelming. There was a night between us in bed that I guess sort of pushed me over the edge. I should have ended things instead of cheating on you, but I was honestly afraid of your reaction if I tried to break up. You seemed so fragile.”
My stomach twists and my bottom lip quivers. “Fragile? What happened between us? ”
“We had just fucked and you were clingy and started to cry.”
My heart clenches as my stomach drops to the floor. I remember.
“You told me how disappointing your sex life had been and how I was helping you heal. That’s a lot for a twenty-two-year-old guy to handle. It felt like you put all your happiness on me, and I wasn’t even close to ready for that. Obviously, I didn’t handle it correctly, and then you wouldn’t talk to me afterward for me to explain myself.”
I angrily wipe away the tear that escapes. “I understand.”
“And it sucked, Salem. I hated how we fell apart. If it was now, I’d be able to handle it. I’d be ready for a commitment like that. You deserve a guy who can love you wholly.”
“You can stop now, Blaine. I don’t need you to build my confidence. I needed to know what happened because…” I exhale in a huff to get my voice to stop shaking. “Because you were the closest thing I had to a real relationship, and it blew up. I needed to know why before I tried again.”
Blaine is silent for a beat before he adds, “For what it’s worth, you didn’t do anything except trust the wrong guy with your heart. I take the blame for not being able to talk it through maturely.”
“Okay. Uh, I appreciate your honesty, and I hope I didn’t interrupt anything.”
“No. I was just watching TV with my roommate.”
“I’ll let you go.”
“Wait, Salem. Are you dating someone?”
Oof, that’s a loaded question. Am I? I don’t even know. “It’s complicated.”
“Gotcha. Are you still living in the city?”
“No. I’m back in Willow Bay for a while. You?”
“Austin. Got a job out here. ”
“Cool.” I’ve run out of things to say, and frankly, I don’t care how Blaine is spending his time these days. “Okay, well…”
“Before you go, can I ask for your forgiveness for how I handled things?”
“Sure, Blaine. I forgive you. I’m way over that part.”
“I’m glad you called. It’s been on my mind for years, but I didn’t know how to call you and fix it. It felt like opening a wound again, and I wasn’t sure if that was good or bad.”
“I get it. Thanks for talking.”
“Yeah. Take care, Salem.”
“You too.”
I end the call and fall back on my bed. Hearing his reasons fucking hurt, like daggers in my chest, but it’s what I needed to know. Blaine was the last guy I let myself be vulnerable with, the last guy I bottomed for, the last guy I trusted, and it went to shit.
Indy might be an amazing person and epic in bed, but we agreed this is a casual thing, and letting myself feel anything more than that will only lead to a repeat of every broken relationship I’ve ever had.
The worst thing I could do is catch feelings for Indy and start letting him treat me like a boyfriend, only for him to wake up one day with a clingy, needy man and freak the fuck out. So that’s it then. No more blurring the lines. We don’t shower and snuggle and sleep together. We fuck, we work together, and we keep it a hundred percent chill. That’s the only way I can make sure I don’t fall into another hot guy, great sex trap.
Guard up, feelings repressed. I got this.
The next morning I busy myself in the office, working on finishing the spreadsheet I created with Lowen’s final choices. I’ve been practicing my cool, very relaxed approach to dealing with Indy, but when his deep voice reverberates in the hallway, my stomach does stupid little flips. Fucking hell.
All I can think about is his sexy gaze when he was sucking me off, or the way his strong hands expertly moved around my body, or the way his voice dipped when he called me sweet thing. Another voice joins his, and I relax slightly, knowing Kit is with him and I won’t be alone.
The office door opens, and Indy’s eyes settle on me. A slight twitch pulls at his lips as if he was going to smile but decided against it.
“Morning,” he says, his voice gruff and lacking emotion.
“Hey, Salem,” Kit says.
“Hi, guys.”
I return my attention to the computer screen, acting very busy even though Indy’s presence in the room is distracting. The scent of his cologne and sandalwood bodywash reaches me, and my cock twitches. Ugh.
Kit grabs the only other chair in the room, a metal folding one, and sits backward on it, scooting it loudly across the wood floor to the desk and stopping beside me.
“Yes?”
He’s grinning like he knows a secret I don’t. I look up at Indy, who’s leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. His big, muscular, tattooed arms. Sigh.
“Do you know anyone at the university?” Kit asks. “Anyone who could spread the word about a grand opening?”
I twist my lips. “I don’t think so, but I’m happy to do some research and see if I can find a contact.”
“That’d be ace,” Kit says. “We were talking this morning about offering an opening weekend discount. College kids love that shit. ”
“Definitely. I’ll see what I can do.” I scribble it down in my notebook.
Both men linger for a second before Kit abruptly pushes his chair back and darts out of the room, leaving me alone with Indy. Great.
Indy kicks the door closed with his foot, still leaning against the wall. Unless I’m imagining it, the temperature in here just went up ten degrees. I shift in my seat, uncomfortable under his hungry gaze.
“Can I help you?” I ask with the most detached tone I can summon.
“We good?”
“Of course. Why wouldn’t we be?”
He shrugs. “You left kind of abruptly last night. Just checking in.” He pushes off the wall, crossing the small space and placing his hands on the desk, leaning close to me. “Do you need to talk about anything?”
I shake my head slowly, fighting the pull of his eyes. Jesus, Indy is sex personified. “Totally fine.”
“Good.” He closes the space between us, brushing his lips against mine in a way-too-brief but sexy as hell move. “I have something to say though.”
I nod, bracing myself for what might come next. Can he tell how desperate and gross I am? Have I not been hiding it enough?
“I’m sorry I came on so strong,” he says, instantly confusing me.
“What?”
“I admit there’s something about you that makes me a little greedy and possessive, but we both know what this is, right?”
I blink several times, trying to make sense of his words. Greedy and possessive?
“I like spending time with you,” Indy continues. “I definitely like touching you. I want to keep doing that, but I promise to keep it chill from now on.”
“Uh…”
“If I’m honest, the way you taste, smell, kiss…” He clears his throat. “You’re hot as fuck, Salem, and more than a little addictive.”
“I am?”
Indy nods, finally letting that stupid, sexy smirk take over. “You are. I lost my head for a second just trying to hoard more of your attention.”
I have no idea what to say to all this.
“So, if you’re still down, we can hook up, but we’ll keep it to that. Friends, coworkers, with benefits. Whaddaya say?”
This is what I want. More Indy without all the baggage and hangups being brought to the surface. “Yeah. Good. That works.”
Indy slides his hand to the back of my neck, squeezing gently, and my breath catches in my throat. He searches my eyes for a second before pulling our mouths together in a steamy kiss that has every wounded, broken part of me clamoring with need.
The kiss lingers, neither of us moving to break it. Indy’s mouth is warm, his lips soft and plush, and I give in to my urges and gently bite down on the bottom one. Indy moans before flicking his tongue out and deepening the kiss again.
It takes all the strength I have not to climb across this desk and beg him to fuck me, deeply, filling me completely and erasing every fucked-up experience prior to this.
And that’s exactly why I need to put my guard back up, and fast. Gently, I end the kiss, exhaling slowly as I adjust my dick pressing against the seam of my jeans.
“Christ,” Indy whispers. “Your mouth. ”
I push on his chest to put distance between us, but smile to soften the action. “I have work to do, boss.”
Indy stands, a sexy grin on his face as he very obviously squeezes his bulge. “Yeah.” He heads to the door. “I’ll, um, see you later?”
“Have a good day, Indy.”
“You too, Salem.” He winks and leaves the room.
As soon as he’s gone, I slump in my seat and exhale. Fucking hell, that man is like a cauldron of sex and desire, and I want to jump in and swim to my demise.
He’s sorry that he was greedy? At least I played it cooler than I felt last night. Not spending the night was the right call.
We’re back on track now. Sex and coworkers. I’ll work on my shit in the background and never forget that Indy is just for fun. All of this is meaningless in the grand scheme of things. This job and the friendships I’m building are more important than my sex life, so as soon as it’s not fun anymore, it’s over. No hurt feelings, no lingering bullshit. Indy’s on the same page.
Now, if I can just learn to ignore that little ping of sadness inside that still wishes this was so much more…