26. Salem
TWENTY-SIX
SALEM
Sitting across the table from Jackson in the same diner we used to hang out at after school is surreal. It’s like a time warp, except we’re both older and at least one of us has a wall up that no one could scale. Not even Indy.
The waitress drops off our coffee and Jackson cups his mug, shifting in his seat. “Thanks for meeting.”
“Sure.” I’m not offering him one single thing to help this conversation along.
“I’m really sorry,” he says. “About all of it. I didn’t know at the time what made me react the way I did.”
“No? A strong desire not to be bullied and ostracized is a pretty valid reason.”
He exhales, still gazing down at his coffee. “That’s what I thought it was until a few years ago.”
“A few years ago?”
He nods, finally looking up. It’s kind of wild to see him now. He was kind of a geeky kid in high school—skinny, with glasses and acne—but he’s definitely matured into his looks. Still skinny with glasses, but he looks like a literature professor on casual Friday in his dad jeans and black polo shirt. His brown-blond hair was always unruly curls when we were kids, but it’s trimmed close to the scalp now, giving him a slight wave. His green eyes and tan skin always stood out.
“Several years into my marriage, I was struggling. I wasn’t happy and I should’ve been. My wife was—” He shakes his head. “—everything a guy could want. Awesome mom, caring, funny. Really pretty. Accomplished at work. We made a good team, but something was still missing for me. I didn’t know how to deal with it, so unfortunately I was looking in all the wrong places.”
I sip my coffee, completely interested now.
“After everyone went to bed at night I would sneak out and go to bars and stuff. It didn’t take me long to find myself at gay hangouts.”
I raise a brow. “Oh?”
Jackson nods. “One sloppy hookup and I knew what was wrong with my marriage. I’d made a huge mistake.”
“Shit,” I whisper. “You’re gay?”
“Yep. I wasn’t ready to accept it though. Not even close. I pushed it down and went home and did my best to be a good husband and love my wife the way she deserved.” He rubs his forehead. “And I do love her, emotionally, but it wasn’t romantic love.”
“Damn, Jackson.”
He nods with a bitter smile on his lips. “That went on for years, me denying who I am and leaning in so hard to my marriage and the life we built, but…” He twists his lips as his cheeks turn red. “After a while I found myself looking again.”
“Going out?”
“Yeah. I couldn’t resist, and it was getting out of control quickly. I decided apps were safer than trolling bars, and before I knew it, I was sneaking out almost nightly. She never suspected a thing.”
“How?”
“We had really separate nighttime routines. She went to bed early and I stayed up late, often sleeping in the den. I’d be there again in the morning where she left me, so…” He shrugs.
“What changed? You’re divorced, right?”
“I am. It came to a head one night when the guy I matched with worked with my wife.”
I swear his face goes pale, and I blanch on his behalf. “Holy fuck.”
“And not just any guy in her office. This guy worked directly in her department. He was married too. Our kids played together at the company picnic. It was our secret until it wasn’t.”
My coffee can go cold for all I care. I’m on the edge of my seat.
“He fell in love and was willing to blow up both our lives to be together. I didn’t feel that way about him, and the thought of my wife finding out in some scandalous way was too much. So I confessed.”
“Oof.”
“To say the least. Everything fell apart at that point. Rightfully so. We separated but we went to therapy, together and apart, so we could learn to co-parent together.”
“Wow.”
He nods. “Best thing to happen to me, honestly. During therapy I unpacked it all and figured out how I got to that point.” He exhales slowly. “Salem, man, the stuff we used to do was everything to me. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had some pretty complicated feelings for you. I wanted everything to stay just like it was, but you weren’t happy in the closet. I was so mad at you for that, but I get it now. It’s a terrible place to live, and you were so brave, and I was a fucking coward.”
“We were just kids, Jackson.”
“Don’t make excuses for me. You were the same age and you owned it. You faced your parents and teachers and kids at school while I slunk away. I wasn’t ready to accept it or deal with it at all. That one decision set my life on a course that ultimately imploded.”
“That sucks, but my life hasn’t been roses just because I’m out.”
“You probably can’t understand what it’s like to deny a fundamental part of who you are, but I’m not sure there’s anything worse.”
“Yeah, okay.”
He shifts forward. “Once I figured it all out, I wanted to talk to you so badly. I wanted to apologize and tell you how much it all meant to me. You were the guy, Salem. The origin of my sexuality. You were my best friend too and I fucked it all up.”
The anger and bitterness I’ve carried since sophomore year of high school is already fading. “I was hurt, Jackson. More than hurt. Destroyed.”
His eyes turn glossy. “I know.”
“It made it so hard to trust people, and I’ve never had a close friend since. I keep people at arm’s length. Not entirely because of what happened with us, but that started it. The way people treated me at school, in town…” I shrug. “It felt wrong to exist. I kind of get why you went the route you did. Everyone wants to fit in.”
“I guess so. Have you been in love before?”
I scoff. “No, not love. Something like it, but never the real thing. Just attaching to men who made me feel special until they didn’t. If it makes you feel any better, it’s hard out there. A lot of men are just in it for themselves, and they don’t give a fuck about the person they’re with.”
“What do you mean?”
“Sex, Jackson. Dating. New Onyx has a huge hookup culture. Everyone wants to get laid, but no one wants to connect. If I had a dollar for every one-sided, disappointing hookup, I’d have a lot of fucking dollars.”
His brow creases. “Oh.”
“It’s turned me into…” My words trail off as I search my brain. How do I describe what I’ve become?
“Into what?”
Shrugging, I lean back. “I guess a guy who’s too afraid to try again. I won’t let anyone get close enough to hurt me, and I refuse to be vulnerable in the bedroom. I don’t even bottom anymore even though I love it.”
“Because…?”
“Because of too many selfish, cold lovers. Too many men who’d bust and leave and couldn’t have cared less if I was satisfied. Too many men who treated me like a sex toy, who manhandled me like an inanimate object. Too many men who acted decent until they got what they wanted. Too many men who discarded me the minute I caught feelings.”
My mood darkens as memories flit through my mind, but they come to a screeching stop on Indy.
“There’s this guy,” I continue. “I guess I’m seeing him. We swore we’d keep it casual and light and end it as friends when it wasn’t exciting anymore.”
“And?”
“It’s still exciting. He’s the kind of man I could’ve only dreamed of before, but he’s just like me emotionally. He’s not a relationship person, and we’ve managed to keep it almost exclusively sexual.”
“Almost? ”
“We work together, so we interact that way too. He’s just…” I huff a laugh. “You saw him the day we bumped into you outside.”
“Oooh, yeah. He’s hot.”
“Understatement. He’s sexy and funny and interesting too. But I know the minute I try to let my guard down is when he’ll disappoint me, and I can’t take that chance with him. There’s too much at stake.”
Jackson nods. “Understandable, but it sucks a little, yeah?”
“It does, but I’d rather have him this way than not at all. I’d rather feel good when I look at him or hear his name than feel sad.”
“I get it. My heart breaks a little every time I have to interact with my ex-wife.”
“You said the divorce is rough?”
“It is. We do pretty good in front of the kids, but she’s still pissed at me. She’s humiliated and she doesn’t want to be here anymore. My lawyer told me I’d likely lose in court so I should let her move and figure out visitation later when things have settled more.”
“Colorado?”
“Yeah, her family lives there. She doesn’t want to see people who knew us both anymore.”
“Sorry, man.”
“It’s my fault. I can’t make it right with her, and I honestly don’t expect to make it right with you either, but I at least wanted you to know why and that I’m so fucking sorry I abandoned you when you needed a friend the most.”
My eyes sting with emotion so I blink it back quickly. “I appreciate it. I agreed to talk to you hoping maybe you’d say something that would help me let it all go, and I think you did. I know how hard it is to accept being different from everyone else, but I hope you’re learning that it’s worth it in the long run.”
“Not yet, but I’ll hold on to that.”
After coffee, I walk back to the bar, consumed by my thoughts. I feel lighter now, which is good, but a little sad in some ways too. Indy really is a fantastic guy, and that fact only scares me into keeping things as light as possible.
His jealousy is like catnip to me, making me wish for things that aren’t real, but I know deep down it doesn’t mean anything at all. He’s just territorial. I shake my shoulders out as I walk inside, putting my walls back up, ready to do what I do. I’ll get my work done and tonight Indy will come over, make me come so hard I have an out of body experience, and we’ll do this on repeat until one of us decides we’re done. Something inside me hopes that moment is a very long time from now.
Indy looks up from the bar and smiles at me, his whole face lighting up, and my chest flutters.
“Did it go okay?” he asks, rubbing my back once I reach him.
“Yeah, it was helpful.”
He nods, searching my eyes, and I’d swear he wants to say something but he’s holding back. I guess that makes two of us.
The only thing that matters to me right now is holding on to him as long as I can. This feeling is too damn good to fuck it up.