9. Gray
9
GRAY
Lying on the couch with Ellie in my arms just feels right.
Eventually her breathing has slowed, but she surprises me when she says my name.
I rest my chin on the top of her head. “Yeah, honey.”
“Thank you. I don’t know what I’d do—”
I cut her off. “You are a survivor, Ellie. Don’t ever forget that. You can do anything.”
Her hand curls into my shirt at my waist, and I suck in a breath. Just having her this close and having her hands on me has my body reacting. “I know that, and you’re right. I am a survivor. But this, you’ve really been here for me, and even though I’m scared...”
I lean back so I can see her face, but her hands tighten on me. “No, don’t leave.”
I freeze and look at the stricken look on her face. I smooth my hand up and down her back. “Honey, I’m not going anywhere, but I have to know: What are you scared of?”
She’s conflicted, and it’s even more obvious when she shakes her head. “Forget it.”
But there’s no way I’m going to let this go. If she’s scared of something, I need to know. My stomach feels like lead wondering if she’s going to say she’s scared of me. “Talk to me. You can tell me anything. What are you scared of?”
She inhales and blows it out slowly. I don’t pressure her anymore, wanting to give her time to tell me on her own. Finally, she shakes her head. “I’m scared of this.”
She points between the two of us, and I pull back a little, not wanting to crowd her. “You’re scared of me?”
She laughs and rolls her eyes. “No, not of you. Of this. Of what’s happening between me and you.”
I shake my head because I don’t want her uncomfortable, but I don’t understand what she’s trying to say to me. “I don’t understand. Why are you scared? I wouldn’t hurt you for anything, Ellie.”
She lifts her shoulders in a shrug. “My whole life I’ve been told I’m not good enough. My parents didn’t want to deal with me...”
I start to interrupt her, and she holds her hand up. “We don’t need to sugarcoat it. It’s the truth. I was always a burden to them. I’ve never been good enough for anyone. Not Dawson—hell, I know I don’t deserve you, and then this poor baby. She or he definitely pulled the short straw to wind up with a mom like me. I can’t even work to support her.”
The tears start to flow, and I do the first thing that comes to mind. I pull her back into my arms and hold her tight. She’s sobbing, and I rub her back, wishing I could take her pain away.
It seems like forever that she cries, but in reality, I know it’s only a few minutes. When her sobs soften, I tilt her head back to look at her. I wipe my thumbs across her cheeks to dry them. Her eyes are red and swollen, but she still looks beautiful to me. “Okay, so your parents, I don’t know what their deal is, but I can’t imagine being a parent and doing what they did to you. As for Dawson, he was my best friend, and I miss him like crazy, but, hell, Ellie I don’t know how to say it but just say it. He was a player. He’d always been like that, but I thought he changed when he got with you. You can’t blame yourself for him. And well, as for the baby, this baby is going to be so loved and taken care of. He or she will never doubt how much they are loved. You’re going to be a great mom.”
I don’t mention me because I’m feeling too much. I’m ready to confess my undying love to her, and she’s not ready. She’s trying to heal from the hell she’s been through, and she doesn’t need me throwing my shit in the mix.
There’s a question in her eyes, but she doesn’t ask it. Instead, she leans her head against my chest again. We sit here like this for I don’t know how long. I continue to rub her back to soothe her all the while ignoring my attraction to her. She needs a friend right now, and I’m determined to be that. Maybe one day, when she’s ready, I’ll let her know how I feel. Until then, I’ll be whatever she needs me to be.
“Can we lie down, Gray?”
I look at the couch and wonder how we’re both going to fit on it. “You want me to move so you can stretch out? Or do you want to go lie down in the bed where you’re more comfortable?”
“Bed... but will you lie down with me?”
My dick twitches. I already know I can’t tell her no. It’s going to hurt like a son of a bitch to lie next to her and not have her, but yeah, I’ll do whatever she needs me to do. “You think that would help you sleep?”
She nods her head, and I release my hold on her. “Go ahead, I’m going to lock up and I’ll be right there.”
She stands up and walks down the hallway to the bedroom. I take my time, trying to calm my nerves. I pick up her teacup and wash it in the sink. I make sure the front door is locked and put my phone on silent and then I take my shoes and cut off and leave them in the living room.
By the time I make it to the bedroom, Ellie is already in the bed under the covers. “You okay?”
Her answer is to lift the edge of the blanket. Fuck me, she’s so enticing. I lie down next to her, and she scoots closer, laying her head on my chest and fitting her body against mine. “Is this okay?”
I put an arm around her. “Yeah. Try and rest, okay?”
She says, “Okay,” and already I can tell she’s close to sleep.
I lie here and listen to her steady breathing, wishing I could do this every day for the rest of my life.