Twelve
Liz
Through my window, I saw him drive up in his fancy ass BMW, fueling me with such bitter rage it surprised even me. He was a cheating ass scumbag, and I didn’t think I had ever felt such anger before. Well, maybe once before, but that was a different story.
I raced down the stairs, pushing past Elle, who was making her way to the door blindly. She had no idea that Lane was behind our front entrance.
“I got it! It’s for me!” I yelled back, hoping that she wouldn’t be too nosy and just get back to her work. She didn’t need to deal with this shit. I turned the knob, letting myself slip through the crack I created so that Lane was obscured. Closing the door behind me, I grabbed him by the arm and aggressively pulled him around to the side of the house I knew Elle wouldn’t be in.
“Beth, what the hell are you doing?” he snapped, pulling his arm out of my grip as we rounded the corner.
“What am I doing? What the hell are you doing? You have no right to show up here unannounced!”
“I have a right to see my daughter.”
“Nobody is keeping her from you. She’s the one who doesn’t want to see you!” I stepped in his path, blocking his way back to the front door. The words “I couldn’t imagine why” left my mouth with deep sarcasm.
“Probably because Elle is trash-talking me.”
Taking a step in his direction, I leveled myself with him, showing all the anger bubbling inside of me like a pot of boiling water. “Elle doesn’t talk shit about you. She’s actually a decent human being, unlike some people. Besides, even if she did, she would have a right to, after what you did.”
“You weren’t a part of our marriage, Beth! Although you might as well have been, with how often Elle spoke to you, or about you. The great Elizabeth Foster! She can do no wrong.” He shook his head, waving his hands in my face as he turned a bright red. “Elle never met my needs. She was always too busy with the farm, which she didn’t even ask me about before taking on. If it wasn’t the farm, it was Addie, and if it wasn’t Addie, it was you. I was the last on her list. So, yeah. When Mary Anne hit on me, I didn’t stop her. When she got on her knees and sucked the soul right out of me, I thanked her.”
The gasp that rang in my ears cut me like sharp glass. Elle had followed me out at some point, and neither of us had noticed. She had heard him, and I knew it hurt her deeply. Lane didn’t care as he stared at Elle without a single ounce of remorse. I lost my cool at that very moment, and on a bad but extremely strong impulse, I decked him right in the jaw.
His head turned, and he lost his balance over a rock in the garden, falling back and hitting his head. He winced as he rubbed at the spot, pulling his hand in front of his face to show his fingers dipped in blood. His eyes shot to mine, and I knew I had messed up. Lane wasn’t the kind of guy who would just walk away from this. He was the kind of rat that went to the cops and pressed charges.
Fuck me.
“Lane, stop.” Elle stepped in front of him, trying to keep him from getting to his car as he marched with a deep determination back to his BMW.
“No, Elle. I came to have a civil conversation, and your sister viciously attacked me.”
“Oh, please. Viciously? I can show you viciously!” I spouted, digging myself a deeper hole to climb out of, because whoever said that I had good decision-making skills?
“Liz, not now,” Elle reprimanded me before turning back to Lane. “What did you want to talk about?”
Elle was trying hard to keep up with Lane, who was zooming faster than light towards his all-too-fancy vehicle. With his door open, he turned on his heel to face Elle, towering over her as a form of intimidation.
“It’s too late now. Your sister needs to learn that there are consequences to her actions. You can’t keep protecting her. I’ll be back for my daughter tomorrow. She better be ready to go, Elle. I won’t ask again.” He glared her down, towering over her as he normally did.
“I’m not going with you!” Addie’s voice interrupted, seemingly coming out of nowhere. Craning my neck, I could see she had opened her bedroom window, more than likely having spotted us. Her eyes were dark, filled with rage that I had yet to see grace her face.
Addie was much like my sister, all smiles, love, and empathy. Rarely did you find either of them with a scowl or frown. Currently, I thought my sweet niece’s expression would open the earth’s crust beneath her father’s feet and swallow him whole.
Lane didn’t respond; he only stared up at his daughter, feeling equal parts frustration and surprise. He gave one final huff before he crouched down and got into his car. His car door slammed so hard it made me jump, already on edge from everything that had just occurred. My asshole of an ex-brother-in-law sped out of the driveway so fast, leaving behind a large cloud of dust to slowly fly off in the air.
My heart was crashing against my rib cage, pumping me so full of adrenaline I thought I would explode like a firework. There was so much pent-up energy, anger, and worry turning in my stomach, both causing me to want to hurl and fight. Elle’s sky-blue eyes landed on me with a fury of their own. I knew she was mad at me, because not only was I not helpful, I made her life a million times harder.
“I am sorry, Elle. He just…” words failed me as my anger coursed through me, seizing my vocal cords with the need to growl out in frustration.
“You don’t think I want to lash out? To kick him right in his sorry ass dick? I have contained myself for the sake of Addie, just like you should have for the sake of your children. What the hell are we going to do now? He won’t just let this go.”
“I’ll be fine, Elle. It’s my first offense, and I can probably play the crazed widow card or something. I will go down to the station and turn myself in so the kids don’t have to see me get arrested. Tell them I went to speak to a realtor or something. It’s going to be—”
“Don’t say it. It is not going to be fine, Liz! This is serious! For once in your life, take it seriously!” she yelled at me, lashing out with cruel words. Elle and I hadn’t fought since we were kids, barely even argued, and when we did, it was more of a spat than an argument. This felt different, and I didn’t like it one bit.
“I’ll figure it out.”
“You mean, I’ll figure it out…like I always do,” she murmured, heading back inside and leaving me in the cold October air.
“Should have hit him harder.” Lyle’s voice soothed the panic that was threatening to eat me alive.
“Lane would have milked it for an attempted murder charge.” I shook my head, heading to his pickup truck. Elle would take care of Lil and Milo while I was gone for a bit, I was sure of it. It shouldn’t be for too long. I hope…
“He deserved it. Our kids will understand.” Lyle was in the passenger seat, watching me climb in with those forest-green eyes.
“They shouldn’t have to understand. Elle is right…I can’t keep doing this shit.”
“You wouldn’t be you if you didn’t.” He smiled that playful grin he got when he was cooking something up.
“I know what you’re going to say.” I rolled my eyes, heading down Mulberry Road towards the station.
“Play it smart,” we both said in unison.
“Revenge in a different way. I know. He just looked so smug, and… and…”
“It pissed you off so much you saw red. I know, sweets.”
I sighed, pulling into the parking lot and cutting the engine. My stomach was tied in a knot, feeling like I was about to shit myself. I had visited the station before, but never for committing a crime. It was always for being out after curfew, or Mom making them believe I was running away.
Lane’s black BMW was already here, parked right in front of the main entrance. I could see him through the glass, pointing to the back of his head as he spoke to Hunter. I didn’t realize he was still working at the station, figuring he had retired. Taking a breath, I steeled myself for what was about to happen.
I hope Hunter still has a soft spot for me.
“It’s not funny!” I whined as Brian stood in front of my jail cell. My jail cell!
“I think it is.” He chuckled again, crossing his arms over his torso as he shook his head.
“Elle is pissed,” I complained, wrapping my hands around the metal bars as I pressed my forehead against them.
“As she should be.”
“I shouldn’t have lost my cool.”
“No, you shouldn’t have.”
“I don’t know what I am going to do.” I squeezed my eyes shut, my adrenaline having left me the moment they placed me inside this small box.
“Clearly,” Brian stated, obviously enjoying himself.
“Oh my God, are you going to say anything helpful?”
“Yeah,” he smiled. “You’re free to go.”
I lifted my head so fast I was surprised I didn’t get a crick in my neck. “Free to go? How?”
“I have my ways.” He winked at me, signaling to the cop to open the cell door.
I stared in shock as he slid the metal bars across, unable to comprehend what was going on. Brian grabbed my hand, pulling me from my surprise — quite literally. He guided me out of the station and toward my truck by the time my brain decided it was okay to know the English language again.
“How?”
“I told you, I have my ways. Nothing you need to worry about.”
“Brian.” I stared into his eyes, seeing the humor he found in the whole thing. He wiggled his eyebrows, and suddenly everything felt okay again. “You should have seen his face when I decked him.”
“Trust me, I wish I could have been there. But, Lizzie?”
“Yeah?”
“I only had one of these get-out-of-jail-free cards. How about we don’t get in trouble again?” He arched his brow at me, opening my door for me as he swung his arm in a gesture for me to get in.
“I’ll do my best. Thanks.”
I leaned in to kiss his cheek, catching him as he turned his head. In a way you would only see in the movies, our lips grazed over one another. A spark ignited inside of me, waking every cell in my body with a pulse of life. Our eyes met, wondering what to do next as we both waited on the other to act.
In a fuck-it kind of moment — because why stop the bad decision train now? — I leaned in, kissing him the way I had once dreamt about. His large hands landed on my hips, pulling me closer as he reciprocated my passion. The taste of strawberries exploded over my taste buds as his tongue pushed past my lips and into my mouth.
I was a very deprived woman at the moment, feeling too damn hot and bothered from his kiss alone. A moan I tried to hold back slipped through, muffled by his lips against my own. My fingers tangled in his dark hair as he continued to explore my mouth, pulling him closer. My pelvis was against his, bending me backwards as our mouths pushed me back.
The sound of a car door slamming in the distance yanked me back to reality…away from Brian. I struggled to catch my breath, feeling as if my very soul had been pulled from me. My stomach turned, completely consumed by guilt. It hadn't even been a year yet, and I had already kissed someone. Brian and I blinked at one another as we came to our senses, pushing back whatever lingering feelings our past teenage selves left in us.
“Lizzie,” he started, but I held my hand up to stop him.
“I can't do this right now, Brian.” I shook my head, trying to forget how good his lips felt against mine, something I once fantasized about when I was fifteen.
“I know.” He nodded. “Get home safe. And tell Milo I will see him tomorrow in class.” He backed away, giving me the space I was asking for. I was grateful for his respectfulness, but also felt disappointed he didn't try a little harder.
With the disastrous week we had had, I had all but forgotten about Milo's class project. I swear, I am turning into a shit mother.
I nodded, climbing into Lyle's pickup truck with my stomach in my ass. Seated in his seat after kissing someone else. It felt wrong. It felt disgusting.
“Eh, it was hot,” Lyle commented, something I knew he would never say in real life.
“You really are a figment of my imagination.”
Pulling the gear shift down to reverse, I pulled out of my parking spot, seeing Brian slip his helmet over his head as he strode to his motorcycle. Trying to fight off the attraction I still felt for him was like hell on Earth. There’s no way I can do this.
The entire drive home, I could still feel Brian’s lips on me, his tongue in my mouth, and the sopping mess between my legs. The feeling quickly left as I pulled into the driveway, seeing Elle in her favorite spot. She didn’t look as relaxed as she normally would on the porch swing, still visibly upset at me. Everything that was said this morning came rushing back, and part of me wondered if I really was the cause of Elle’s failed marriage.
I jumped out of the truck, landing rather roughly on the small bit of gravel we put so that the cars wouldn’t get stuck in the mud when it rained. I kicked at one rock in particular as I walked toward my doom. Elle could scold like no other, again having had experience since she was a teenager. Mom only ever yelled at me and called me names when I did something. It was Elle who would scold me, make me feel bad about what I did, and actually teach me something.
She was more my mother than my mother.
“I’m sorry, Elle,” I quickly blurted, hoping to ease some of that anger in her. She sighed, patting the cushion beside her for me to sit. I felt like a teenager again, bowing my head in regret as I took my seat.
“I know you are, Lizzie. I’m sorry I lashed out at you. I was just so stressed. We didn’t know what was going to happen. You always think that everything is going to turn out okay. It’s that blind optimism that gets you into a lot of trouble. But it is also what I admire about you most. I wish I could be that way more.” She stared at the stars the entire time she spoke, almost as if she wished she could be one of them, shining against the night sky.
“Elle, you don’t want to be anything like me. A lot of the time, I wish I could be more like you. You make it all look so easy, so flawless. You run a whole farm, take care of a child by yourself, and still manage to have the house spotless. It’s you who keeps things going. You’re the one who knows all the appointments, who has everyone’s socials memorized along with all their medical histories. I can never even remember what side of the family has diabetes.”
“It’s Dad’s,” she mumbled, always having to remind me.
“See?” I gestured to her, trying to make her feel better. “Elle?”
Her blue eyes met my gaze as her hair swayed in sync when she turned her head to face me. She hummed in response, waiting for me to continue.
“Did I ruin your marriage?” I shouldn’t have asked, but I couldn’t help it. It was gnawing at me, and I needed to know if one of the most important people in my life blamed me for something so big.
“Of course not!” She furrowed her brow. “I did that all on my own, Liz.”
I gave her an equally perplexed expression with my brows, wanting her to elaborate. To me, she had always been this wonderful woman. A perfect mom, wife, sister…everything. “What do you mean?”
With a deep breath, and her gaze back to its favorite spot, she began. “What he said this morning was true. I never realized it, but as I sat here all day with those words in my head, I see now that he was right. He was last on my list of priorities. I took him for granted, and clearly he wasn’t happy with that.”
“That doesn’t matter. You didn’t end the marriage, he did.”
“I mean, yeah. He shouldn’t have cheated, but I should have worked on this relationship with him. I knew we weren’t in a good place when I left to help you, but rather than ask him to come with me, I made him stay and take care of the farm he despised.” Her head hung, staring at her fingers as she picked at her nails, something I hadn't seen her do since she was ten and got in trouble for stealing money from Mom to buy us ice cream from the ice cream truck that drove down Brian's street every Saturday morning.
“I am sorry, Elle.” I rested my head on her shoulder, taking one of her hands in my own. She deserved the world. She deserved a man who would put her above the rest. She deserved a Lyle.
“Don't feel sorry for me, Liz. This one’s on me and Lane. We could have made it work if we both would have put in the effort. It's nothing compared to what you're going through.”
“That doesn't matter, Elle, and you know it. It's comparing apples to oranges. You loved him, and he hurt you. It's still heartache, just a different kind than my own. But a broken heart hurts all the same.” I wanted to be better already. I needed to have a day when this heartache wasn't suffocating me.
I need to breathe.
“I guess it does. Liz?”
“Yeah, Elle?”
“Do you think you're ever going to be able to get over this? To get over losing Lyle.”
“Brian kissed me,” I blurted, yelling out the first thing that came to mind to avoid the question I couldn't even answer myself.
“Wh-what?” She threw her hand over her chest, pulling her head back in surprise.
“He got me out of jail and I don't know. We just kind of kissed in the parking lot.” I looked away, feeling the heat rise in my chest and across my cheeks. I was embarrassed, which was so not like me.
“Oh my gosh! You're red, Liz!” She poked my cheek with a giggle before scooting closer to me again. “How was it?” she whispered, leaning in as if I was about to tell her a juicy secret.
“Honestly?” She nodded her head, eagerly waiting on the details. “It was…God. It was insane. You know that I have loved Brian for a long time.”
“Duh. You wouldn't ever shut up about him, and then it went from hearing about Brian all the time to hearing about Lyle. You were a broken record.”
“Shut up.” I playfully pushed her shoulder, rolling my eyes at her. “Well, let's say it felt better than I could have ever imagined. But Elle…I feel so guilty over it. I feel sick to my stomach when I think about it.”
“Don't.” She placed her hands on my shoulders, trying to catch my eyes as I stared at the white wood of the swing beneath me. “You shouldn't feel guilty, Liz. Your life isn't over just because his is. It's changed, and it hurts. It's not what you pictured, but it's not over. You can't be a spinster. That's not you — at all. So…Stop. Feeling. Guilty.” She shook my shoulders as she spoke each word, shaking me so hard my head was moving back and forth like a whip.
“It's hard not to when Lyle hasn't even been six feet under for a whole year.”
“No, but does that really matter? There's no minimum time requirement for grief. Nowhere does it say that you have to grieve for more than a certain time before you can move on. It's not right.” She squeezed my shoulders, holding my gaze so she knew I was listening.
“But—”
“Nope! No buts. You did nothing wrong. You are doing nothing wrong. Don't let guilt keep you from being happy.”
I nodded, but there was no way I could do as she said. This guilt was going to eat away at me until I would say it was okay. Right now it wasn't. Right now I felt like a bitch for kissing the man I'd always loved, when the man I loved for twenty years hadn't even been gone that long.
Would this make it seem as if he didn't mean anything to me? It would be so far from the truth. Lyle was my life, my world, my everything for twenty years. He made sure to make me smile at least once a day, even when I was determined not to. He brought all the joy of the world to my doorstep, and life just didn't seem capable of being that happy again.
But when I looked at Brian, part of me thought maybe it could be. Maybe Brian and I were always meant to be. We had missed our chance, but maybe now was the time? Yet thinking that only made me feel worse, as if I was trying to say Lyle needed to die for Brian and I to have our chance.
That's not right. No. Lyle meant more than that.
“It's hard not to feel that way, Elle.”
“Why?”
“Because. Lyle meant everything to me and I feel like I would be dishonoring him or something, by moving on so fast.”
“Oh, please. We both knew Lyle. He always wanted you to be happy. If he could tell you something after death, you and I both know it would be for you to live your life the way you want, as the Liz we know. The one not held back by other’s thoughts. Be the girl he fell in love with, because she wasn't afraid to be herself. Decide how you feel, not how you think others will feel when they see what's happening between you and Brian. You never gave a crap about what other people thought of you before, why start now?”
Elle grabbed my hands and squeezed them tight, hurting my fingers in the process. “Ow! You beech!” I pulled my hand away, shaking my fingers out as she smirked at me. I just rolled my eyes, feeling my lips tug into a reluctant smile.
“You know I'm right. Get out of your head, Liz. Be you.”
I had buried the old me with Lyle. I wasn’t so sure she was alive anymore. Can I bring her back from the dead? Can I be her again?