Chapter 16 #2
“Thank you, Oliver, for your courage in speaking tonight,” Elijah said.
“And thank you to everyone who responded so vulnerably. These moments, where we recognize ourselves in each other’s fears, are vital to our healing.
I want to reiterate something I hope will settle deep in each of you: you belong here.
Not conditionally. Not tentatively. Not only when you check the ‘right’ boxes, but fully.
There’s a reason we gather in a circle. No one is in front.
No one is behind. There’s no hierarchy of pain.
We meet each other here, side by side, exactly as we are.
Your presence here is not borrowed. It is not something you must earn. It is yours.”
I didn’t speak again for the rest of the session, but I relaxed into my chair. When it ended, and people began to say their goodbyes, Talia bumped her shoulder against mine.
“So, on a scale of one to emotionally obliterated, how you holding up?”
“I think I can save hysterically crying into my chamomile tea for a later date.”
“I told you, everyone here is good people, and you crushed it. First meeting and you’re already out here causing cathartic ripples. That’s showoffy behavior right there. I respect it. Now, want to round out your debut with a smoothie? There’s a place a couple of blocks from here.”
I had hoped to make friends through this experience, but I hadn’t thought it would happen so soon.
Talia had mentioned that I’d reminded her of herself on her first night, so maybe she wanted to make sure I wasn’t alone the way she’d been in the beginning, or maybe she was just one of those effortlessly social types.
Either way, I wasn’t about to turn down the offer. “Sure. I’ll have to let my ride know.”
“Yay! Emotional soul bearing and antioxidant consumption. We are thriving today,” Talia exclaimed.
I spied Luke waiting outside the community center’s front doors. The fact that he hadn’t stayed in his car but stood there ready to greet me made my heart flip-flop with appreciation, and maybe something more I refused to acknowledge.
He straightened when he spotted me, greeting me with an irresistible smile and making it a lot harder to ignore the something more I kept trying to shove aside.
One day, I knew I’d tumble overboard on this doomed cruise down the Nile and be forced to accept my fate, but for now I’d do my best to avoid that outcome.
I made my way over to him, while Talia wandered in the opposite direction, giving us privacy.
“Hey,” he said. “How did it go?”
“Good. I didn’t think I’d talk, but I did. A little.”
“You talked?” he asked, as if I’d imparted the best news he’d heard all week.
“I did.”
“Dude, that’s awesome! I know that first step can be scary as hell, but you did it. How did it feel?”
“I shared that I’d had concerns I’d be shunned from the group because I’m a man and don’t fit the typical profile of someone being abused.
A few other people spoke up and shared how they’d also thought they didn’t belonged when they first started coming.
It was nice. The facilitator has a calm energy.
I think I’m going to like attending these sessions. ”
“I’m so proud of you, Ollie. You’ve put in no small amount of work this past month. You should be proud too.”
“I actually think I am. And I sort of made a new friend, or well, someone I think could be a friend.”
“Yeah?”
I gestured toward where Talia now stood, a good distance away, scrolling through her phone.
“Her name’s Talia. She invited me to get smoothies with her at a place within walking distance from here.
I want to go, but since you’re waiting on me, I can skip it.
I don’t want to derail your plans or take up too much of your time. ”
“And stop you from crushing your friendship goals? No way. You’re out here tryin’ to grow your social circle, I’m not about to get in the way of that.
Go forth and smoothie, and take your time.
Tonight’s about you and whatever you need.
My job is to hang back, cheer you on, and bask in the glory of your wins. ”
Elation and gratitude over his response washed through me. Luke had rescued me in a moment of crisis, as Vincent once had, but the resemblance ended there.
Where Vincent’s so-called salvation had been the opening move in a calculated game toward ownership, Luke’s help carried no hidden hooks.
He didn’t want to keep me small or dependent.
He wanted my world to grow beyond his presence, to include other people and other joys.
He nudged me toward expansiveness and celebrated the things I did for myself.
“Thank you,” I said.
“Anytime. Have fun, and text me when you’re wrapping up. I can pick both of you up from the smoothie place if you want, or meet you back here, whatever works. Just let me know.”
“Sounds good. I’ll let you know,” I said before walking over to Talia.
She waited until we were on the main street and then said, “Not to be that girl, but damn. When you said ‘my ride,’ I didn’t realize we were talking sexually blessed transportation.”
“Talia!”
“Hey, I’m appreciating the view. I have eyes. I’m using them. You didn’t warn me you were being picked up by a man who looks like he squats feelings, speaks fluent warm voice, and is easy on the eyes. He’s like a walking emotional support fantasy.”
“He is, but it’s not . . . we’re not like that. He’s my . . . he’s just . . . Luke.”
“Uh-huh. ‘Just Luke’ carries the same energy of people insisting they’re ‘just friends’ with someone while secretly dreaming about them.”
“Okay, fine. I’m maybe, possibly, only slightly, developing a bit of a crush.” So much for refusing to admit your feelings.
“Only slightly? Babe, you sighed his name just now, a rom-com trailer-level sigh.”
“Maybe, but I’ve been trying to stuff down these feelings and pretend they don’t exist.”
“Mm, I see, so your feelings are like Bruno. We don’t talk about them.”
“Bruno?” I asked, baffled.
“So my Encanto reference is lost on you. Don’t mind me, I live off theater and movie quotes. We’ll fix your ignorance soon enough. In the meantime, how’s this whole ignoring-your-feelings strategy going for you?”
I groaned. “Waning with every passing day. Luke truly sees me and gives me the freedom to be myself. And you’ve seen him, he’s sexy as hell and doesn’t even realize it.
He jokes about being big and intimidating, but his strength never comes with ego.
He makes me want to believe in people again, and when he holds me, I don’t want to be anywhere else. ”
Alright then. Not only was I admitting the disaster of my feelings, but I’d also decided to go all in. Still, I couldn’t deny how good it felt to unload all those pent-up thoughts.
“I can’t say I blame you. If I had that to come home to every day, I’d have already taken up permanent residence in swoon city, with nightly getaways booked straight to pound town.”
“Yes, well, even if I wanted to, pound town lies far beyond the impassable Sea of Heterosexuality. I’m firmly marooned on the desolate shores of Hopelessville, population me.”
“Poo, that certainly affects some things. Lucky for you, forbidden love is my specialty. I’m the punk fairy godmother of romantic disasters. I live for this.”
“I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I’m still recovering from all the wounds my ex inflicted. I can’t be falling for someone. That’s insane.”
“It’s not insane, it’s human. Wanting to be safe and cherished isn’t a betrayal of your healing, it’s part of it. But I get it. Timing’s a cruel little trickster, and residual trauma has this way of muddying the waters. You know what I think?”
“Nope, but I suspect you’re about to tell me.”
“Right you are! We are best friends in the making, I can feel it. I think it doesn’t have to be anything.
You’re allowed to have a little flutter in your chest when someone sees you.
You’re allowed to want gentleness. Crushes aren’t contracts.
They’re just sparks. Sparks that remind you of what’s possible.
You don’t owe them anything except honesty with yourself—and me of course, you have to keep me appraised of this saga. ”
“Well, I’m not sure what you’re expecting, but what you’re going to get is likely an endless string of tragic pining.”
“Don’t worry, I was forged in the fires of tragic pining.
We’re twin souls, forever entwined in a doomed tango of unfulfilled longing.
But the romantic in me is always rooting for the moment when the pining is returned and the heartbreak becomes harmony.
Give me the cinematic moment where the beloved finally sees what’s been there all along. ”
“You better prepare yourself for a letdown. What you’re more likely to get is me gushing over the incomprehensibly sweet thing he does that leaves me vaporized, while he remains oblivious to the impact.”
“That sounds suspiciously like there are stories. Or perhaps a whole series?”
“It’s become my daily existence. A never-ending highlight reel of moments.”
“Alright, I need deets. Let’s order our smoothies and then you can tell me. By the way, it’s my treat. Order whatever you want with any additions. The sky’s the smoothie limit.”
“Thank you. I’ll cover next time,” I said.
“All part of my brilliant plan to get us to keep hanging out,” Talia said with a wink.
We approached the counter, a chalkboard menu listing an abundance of flavor combinations. Scanning the selections, my eyes caught on one with a blend of blueberries, banana, lavender, honey, and almond milk.
“I think I’ll go with this one,” I said, pointing.
“I’ve had that one before, an excellent choice. I’m getting the one with acai and passionfruit.”
The whir of the blenders rose to a steady roar, swallowing the small talk around us. As the person behind the counter poured the creamy, dark-violet smoothie into a fancy Mason jar with a handle and the company logo stamped across the glass I licked my lips, eager for a taste.
“Alright, give it to me,” Talia said as we sat down. “What’s he done lately to devastate you in the best possible way?”
“This happened a few days ago. Work had been hell. When Luke got home I started venting to him. And then, mid-sentence, I broke. I remembered how my ex used to respond to those moments—having a bad day was grounds for punishment. I kind of lost it. I couldn’t stop thinking Luke would snap, even though deep down I know he never would. ”
“Ah, yes. That’s what I like to call trauma glitter.
It clings to you, even when you think you’ve scrubbed every surface clean.
You find it in your hair, on your lips, shimmering behind your eyes.
You’re sitting there thinking, ‘I haven’t touched any glitter.
Where the fuck did this come from?’ And the answer is always the same, it never left. ”
“That’s an apt analogy.”
“So, what happened?”
“He comforted me and got me to calm down. But the part that wrecked me came the next morning when I walked to my desk—I work from home—and there, sitting on my keyboard, he’d placed a fuzzy plush lion.
Tucked in its paws he’d left a folded note.
It said, ‘Sometimes you gotta roar. Roar loudly, and without apologies. Don’t let the world drown out your strength, your courage, or your voice. ’”
“Awww! That’s so sweet. Is this man for real?”
“I’ve been asking myself the same question every day since I moved in. He does things like that constantly, without ever asking for anything in return. It’s like he genuinely enjoys being able to do things for me.” That kind of care still felt foregin.
“Well, now I comprehend the depth of your affliction, oh smitten kitten. Or perhaps I should say, smitten lion.”
“Right? How am I supposed to not be leveled by that kind of emotional sniper fire? It’s like he’s taken a masterclass in unintentional romantic sabotage.”
“Classic himbo behavior, I’m well versed. My cousin’s boyfriend is the same. Strong bod, strong jaw, stronger morals, and zero clue he’s melting hearts simply by existing.”
“That’s Luke in a nutshell. Gentle, emotionally fluent, and clueless when it comes to this particular kind of attention, like it doesn’t register with him that people might be into him, which if I’m honest, only adds to his appeal.”
“If you asked me, I’d say this is a good thing. A beautiful thing. You’re letting yourself feel again, more than fear or survival or guilt. It means something in you is waking up.”
“I suppose it’s just hard to trust, or to trust myself. Like, what if I’m reading everything wrong? What if I’m latching on like an emotional leech to the first person who’s given me safety?”
“Channeling my inner Elijah here, I think that’s a natural fear. When you’ve lived through trauma and abuse you learn not to trust yourself. It’s not foolproof, probably not even psychologically approved, but here’s my litmus test. What is it you like about Luke?”
“He’s balanced. He can be goofy one minute and serious the next. He’s funny, in this dorky, goofy, kind of way. He’s so kind-hearted it makes you want to cry. He’s open-minded and nonjudgmental and he doesn’t subscribe to any of that toxic masculinity bullshit,” I finished.
“My take? That’s not just a trauma response, it’s a genuine crush.
You’re not attracted to him only because he’s safe, you admire who he is.
Those are personal traits you’re responding to.
You can value the refuge he gives you and want more.
Someone like you or me is bound to question whether feelings born in safety are real.
But they are. In fact, I’d argue that safety is the foundation love should be built on. ”
“I guess I never thought of it like that.”
“Stick around, there’s more where that came from.”
“Thank you for approaching me tonight. I’m glad I met you.”
“Hey, people like us, we have to stick together, am I right?”
“Right.”