Chapter 22 #2
“You’d be amazed how far people will go to bury the truth from themselves. But you’re right, that’s never been your way. You’ve always been open to possibilities and met yourself head-on, even when it’s something you weren’t prepared for.
“This definitely blindsided me. I didn’t realize this thing with Oliver meant anything more until seven nights ago when I had to look at it.”
“So, now that you see it, what are you going to do about it?”
“That’s the part that has me all twisty tied. I don’t wanna mess up and ruin the great thing we do have. I don’t wanna offer him something I can’t quite fulfill. You know my messed-up track record with sex.”
“I know that not everyone you’ve been with could meet you where you needed to be met.
But given everything Oliver’s lived through, emotional closeness isn’t just something he values, it’s something he needs too.
In a different way, but the overlap is there.
Maybe where your relationships fell apart before won’t matter with him. ”
“Maybe, but that’s just one concern.”
“What’s another?”
“I took him in to give him a safe place. No strings. No pressure. If I go and try to make it more, what does that do? Would he feel like he owed me something? Would that make me less of a safe person for him, less trustworthy? That’s the last thing I ever want.”
“Luke, you’re not some predator lurking behind kindness, waiting for a moment of weakness to strike. You’re a man who’s cared deeply for someone who needed you, and somewhere along the way, that care deepened into something else. Doesn’t mean you’re unsafe.”
“Uh, hello! I just admitted to you that I jacked off to thoughts of him, without his consent, while he remains unaware. That seems pretty predatory to me.”
“Wanting someone isn’t predatory. Fantasizing about them isn’t predatory.
Jerking off to them in the privacy of your own brain, newsflash, still not predatory.
Touching him without consent? Crossing boundaries?
That’s predatory. You haven’t done that.
You’ve done the extremely normal and harmless thing of realizing you might be into someone, and oh no, having sexual thoughts about them. ”
“It just seems wrong. He’s been through so much. He trusts me. I’ve seen what happens when trust gets weaponized.”
“And that’s the difference,” Ezra said. “You’re aware of the power dynamics.
You’re asking yourself if your attraction could hurt him.
That’s not what predators do. Predators don’t sit in diners at three a.m. with their best friend dissecting their moral compass over a jumbo stack of pancakes and hash browns. ”
“I dunno. Intentions don’t change the optics. He still needs time and the right to define his life on his own terms and not filtered through someone else’s wants.”
“Oliver’s not glass. He’s endured more than most people can comprehend. He may still be learning how to breathe in his newfound freedom, but he’s also learning to choose, to trust, to claim his life and what he wants instead of letting others define it for him.”
Reaching across the table, he placed his hand over mine.
“Don’t rob him of that. Don’t decide for him what he can or can’t handle, especially not under the guise of protection.
That’s fear dressed up as virtue and you’re better than that.
If you want him to live on his own terms, then you have to let him, without assumptions, without limiting his freedom when it includes you.
“So, what? You think I should tell him?”
“I think you should explore what you want. Removing all the obstacles and perceived issues, would you want to be in a relationship with him?”
“I think I would, yeah, but I don’t want to ruin—”
“Ah, ah, what did I say?”
“Don’t consider the obstacles and issues. But Ez, I have to. If I make a wrong move here, I could lose what we already have. And I’d rather have his friendship than nothing at all. I mean fuck, I didn’t even realize I wanted him like that until a week ago, so it’s not like it’s not doable.”
“You could also be throwing away something significant. These aren’t feelings you have often, are you prepared to let that slip away?”
“If it meant the continuation of our friendship, yes, I would. I can deal without the other stuff, but not having him as a friend? I can’t do that.”
“Alright, have it your way. Guess I better be prepared with the hose, because here you are doing what you do and setting yourself on fire for the sake of someone else.”
“You’re not going to need it. This is fine. Oliver is a great friend. My best, next to you. I will be fulfilled if that’s all he ever is.”
“It seems I can’t change your mind, your adamant selflessness is already running this show.”
“I get it, you think I’m wrong.”
“I think you’re limiting yourself and it’s only going to make you unhappy, or worse, hurt you, and I don’t want to see that happen.”
“And I don’t want to see that little scrunchy thing your face does when you’re upset.
Shall we pivot into the fun part of this conversation?
Like how ’bout you tell me what my best friend—my gay best friend—thinks about how his straight best friend is .
. . surprise, not as straight as advertised. Plot twist of the century, am I right?”
“Did you miss the part where I told you it doesn’t surprise me?”
“I mean, yeah, but I thought you meant in a reflective, philosophical, given your aceness perhaps this was inevitable kind of way.”
“Please, Micah and I called you being into Oliver after our last get-together.”
“Hang on. You seriously both knew?”
“Luke, you sweet cinnamon roll. I’ve told you before, while you are incredibly attuned to the sexual chemistry and attraction in others, when it comes to yourself, your perception packs a suitcase and flees the country. Micah and I saw this train heading toward the station weeks ago.”
“Why didn’t either of you say anything?”
“You needed to see it for yourself. Also, per queer law, we are strictly forbidden from interfering with a baby-bi awakening before it’s fully incubated.
Early meddling can stunt development or cause premature label panic and increase risk of closet hiding.
Best to let the little bisexual emerge naturally. ”
“Right, I’m sure that’s a real rule.”
“As real as the sacred rite of first pride and the annual summoning of Lady Gaga. I don’t make the rules, but as a long-term gay with his identity properly laminated and filed, I am required to enforce them.”
“What I’m hearing is, I have a lot to learn.”
“Mountains. But lucky for you, you have me, your self-appointed gay mentor through this technicolor metamorphosis. So, now that you find yourself on the other side of the proverbial fence, any gay wisdom you’d like me to impart?”
“Gay wisdom, huh? What specifically are you offering? A comprehensive orientation package, or a deluxe starter kit with glitter accents?”
“I think you’re a bit beyond the orientation package. You, my friend, are currently enrolled in Advanced Accidental Gay Pining, and I daresay you’re top of the class.”
“Pining implies I’m standing on a balcony in a billowy shirt, clutching my chest, sighing dramatically at the moon, and whispering his name to the stars. I’m not that guy.”
“So you didn’t open this heartfelt confessional by admitting to having dick dreams about the man you live with.”
“Okay, maybe there’s some light pining. An understated, gentlemanly sort, accompanied by strings and a piano, possibly rain.”
“Mm. Tell me, Luke, how gentlemanly are you while you’re moaning his name into your pillow with your fist wrapped around your—”
“Alright! I came here for emotional support, not to be roasted on a spit.”
“And I’ve given you both. That’s called versatility. You’ll need to get acquainted with the concept if you’re dipping your toes into the pool of attraction to men.”
“Okay then, what’s the first pearl of gay wisdom?”
“I’ll start with this. Consider it your own personal gay fortune cookie. If a man makes your chest ache and your pants tight, maybe stop fighting it and kiss him already.”
I barked out a laugh too loud for the quiet corner of the diner, drawing a brief glance from a passing server. “That’s it? That’s your divine gay proverb?”
“I thought it apt. I could embroider it on a pillow for you, in cursive, with a border of hearts and a unicorn in a mesh crop top.”
“You forgot the rainbow fringe.”
“Damn. You’re right. Rookie mistake. But look at you, already thinking in terms of aesthetic and gay camp.
One more name to add to the ever-growing tally of souls converted by the gay agenda.
It’s taken over a decade of relentless work, but at long last, my efforts to wear you down have finally borne glittery fruit. ”
“Well, if it took you over ten years, the superiors within the gay agenda alliance shouldn’t be promoting you to field agent anytime soon.”
“No, see, that’s all part of the strategy. We can’t have too many people coming out all at once. Too suspicious. The long game is what we’re going for. Steady, realized over time, naturally, so no one recognizes the manipulation behind the scenes.”
“Right, so it’s your influence that’s brought this on.”
“Now you’re getting it. I am one hundred percent responsible for this newfound attraction, it has nothing to do with your wiring whatsoever.”
“I’ll let you believe that for now, but if I do bring this up with Oliver, I’m letting him take the credit.”
“Does that mean you’re going to listen to reason and tell him how you feel?”
“Undecided. I still don’t know how I want to approach this. But I will say you’ve given me a lot to think about.”