Chapter 33 #2
Welp. Guess I’d blasted my internal panic onto the Times Square jumbo screens.
“Sorry, I just—”
He cut me off with another gentle peck on my lips.
“You never need to explain or justify yourself to me. I know the mood isn’t always there for you and that’s fine.
It doesn’t take anything away from us. I don’t measure our relationship by how often we have sex.
I’m here because I want you in whatever shape your heart and body are in. You’re enough for me. Always.”
My chest did a weird squeeze thing, like my heart tried to flex and melt at the same time. “Thanks. I appreciate you saying that.” I hesitated; I didn’t want to make this “a thing.” But honesty mattered here, between us. “I do wanna tell you something, though.”
“Okay?”
“It’s about what you said about horniness and emotional comfort and having layers.
I know you didn’t mean it to be hurtful, but the way you said it kinda made it sound like that’s how everyone works.
Like there’s one “right” version of sexuality and mine is the glitchy off-brand model, and I’m weird for experiencing comfort and arousal separately sometimes and not having those layers. It stung a bit.”
Oliver lifted his head off my chest, brows pitching together in regret, his whole face falling with that “I messed up and hurt you” disappointment.
“I’m glad you said something instead of swallowing it to protect my feelings.
” His fingers brushed a slow stroke over my sternum, like he was soothing the exact spot the bruise lived.
“You’re right. What I said came out like a blanket statement.
I’m sorry. I never want you to feel like I’m normalizing one way of being.
You’re not weird, Luke. You’re damn special, actually.
How you’re wired is valid, and it deserves the same respect as anyone else’s wiring.
I’ll be more mindful about how I say things in the future. ”
Emotion punched me right in the solar plexus in the gentlest, sweetest way. God, I loved him. “Thank you. And for the record, I’m flattered that you’d use that video as uh, material. Truly. My brain’s just in a different gear tonight.”
“I know,” he whispered, snuggling back down into my chest, one of his legs hooking over mine. “Love you.”
I dipped my head and pressed a lingering kiss into his hair. “Love you too.”
“Y’know,” he slurred some minutes later. “I love your chest. Best pillow. You should win an award. Chest of the Year.” His lips bumped my collarbone as he tried to finish the sentence. “Trophy . . . shaped like . . . pecs.”
“Well, if I’m accepting the award, you’re presenting it to me. Though given your current level of consciousness, I’m guessing it’s gonna be short and mostly drool.”
“M’ nail it,” he mumbled, already drifting, face squished into my pec like a cat claiming its spot.
His arm tightened around my waist in one last koala-cling, like he wanted to fuse us into a single organism, then loosened as his body went slack. His nose nuzzled into the space between my pec and shoulder. A tiny hum escaped him.
“You still with me?” I whispered after a minute, even though the answer was obvious.
A faint, “With you,” came from him, more exhale than language. He nuzzled me one last time, lips brushing my skin in a sleepy, aimless kiss, and then he fully surrendered to sleep.
Lying still, I watched him enter dreams, stroking his back, hoping it would keep any nightmares away. “You’re safe, angel. You’re safe,” I whispered, mostly because I needed to hear it.
With the quiet came the ambush. Everything I’d been holding at bay to stay strong for him, every image, every helpless second came roaring back.
Vincent’s hands on him. Oliver struggling against him, that bruise I couldn’t protect him from.
And underneath it all, the memory that rewrote me, my sister’s lifeless, beaten face the last time I saw her.
The damn inside me broke. Tears came fast, unrelenting, trails streaking down my face, catching in the corners of my mouth, making my nose stuffy. My chest did that uncontrollable heaving thing it does when emotion bursts out of you.
Oliver stirred. “Luke?” My name came out groggy and sluggish.
“It’s fine, angel, go back to sleep. I’m sorry I woke you,” I managed to get out, but a tremulous audible hiccup of distress left me.
Sleep fled from his features in an instant. “What is it? Are you alright?”
I sniffed. “Fine. Just a minor leak. Seems my face came with a faulty gasket. I’ll have it all fixed by tomorrow at the latest, replaced with the deluxe no-drip version.”
“I happen to be very fond of the version in front of me,” Oliver said, pressing a kiss to my mouth. “I think perhaps we can fix it together without needing to cash in on a replacement if you tell me what rattled the machinery.”
“You know, the usual suspects. Fear showing off. Memory doing a director’s cut. I heard Vincent was at your group and my brain went full disaster cinema. I thought I might lose you. I thought you were going to be taken away from me. And I couldn’t . . .” My voice broke.
Oliver’s hand cupped my face as he kissed me again. “Shh, it’s okay now, honey. I’m here, I’m safe.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t want to make this about me after what you went through.”
“Uh-uh. You’re not doing that. I’m not letting you guilt-trip yourself for having emotions about something traumatic.
Crumple that thought up and toss it in the trash where it belongs.
We can both be hurt by the same thing and still help each other through it.
You didn’t hide from me when I fell apart.
I’m not letting you hide from me now. Let me be here for you too. ”
Taking my head, he pulled it to his chest, positioning it directly over the steady thud of his heartbeat. “Hear that? My heart beats on, and right now it’s beating for you.”
His mouth fit to mine, moving slowly and sweetly, steady and lingering.
Our lips parted just enough for a shared inhale, his breath fanning across my cheek.
“Feel that? My warmth, my breath, the way I’m holding you?
I’m here beside you. I’m safe and I’m not going anywhere.
” Another kiss. “Look at me,” he whispered, tilting my chin until our eyes met.
“See. I’m right here. You didn’t lose me. ”
His mouth met mine again, fuller this time, a promise pressed to my lips. A vow of mornings we hadn’t lived yet and a future we’d build brick by steady brick, side by side. In that kiss lived every tomorrow life would grant us.