15. Ivy
Ivy
The look on Zara’s face when Cujo starts to sing must be the exact expression of shock I had the first time I heard his voice. Josephine watches him with that awestruck gaze she always gets when he’s singing.
“Good wine, homemade cookies, and live music.” Zara smiles. “And it’s only the first night. I can’t wait to see what the rest of the weekend brings.”
“Same,” I say. “I’m super excited to see how the festival goes. And for you to see the prairie dogs. And the chipmunks!”
“As long as I don’t see any mountain lions or rattlesnakes.”
“Don’t forget about the scorpions. You don’t want to meet one of those either.”
“Shit. I forgot about those. I’m never taking my shoes off here.”
“Good plan.”
The guys put down their guitars, and Cujo says he needs to soothe his vocal cords, which just means he wants another beer. I think he mostly wants to put his arms around Josephine. He goes straight to her and wraps her up like he hasn’t seen her in days, but he’s been staring at her all night long.
Dice pretends he came over to talk to Jensen, but he’s too transparent. All he really wants to do is hit on Zara. He’s a little old for her, if you ask me, but she hasn’t asked me, and she hasn’t exactly shut him down either. I don’t know his actual age, so maybe I’m overestimating it. Maybe she doesn’t care.
She’s very intrigued that someone could actually play poker for a living. For all I know, he might be her perfect type. Dice isn’t a bad looking man, but I wouldn’t call him conventionally attractive. He’s got that weird sex appeal of celebrity chefs and aging rock stars—strong features, bold confidence, makes it clear he doesn’t give a shit how anybody else thinks he’s supposed to live.
I get it in a way, but I’ve always been more drawn to the quietly confident type. At any rate, I never would’ve put Dice and Zara together. Not that they’re together, but it’s also only the first night. When he walks off to go to the bathroom, Zara leans in and asks, “He’s really single, right?”
But she’s not asking me. She’s looking right at Jensen. “Yeah,” he says. “Divorced.”
“Hmmm,” is all she says.
Guess it’s a good thing she has her own casita after all. Of course, Dice has his own, too. I have a feeling I might not see her much after the sun goes down this weekend.
Maybe there truly is something in the air in Ivydell.
Josephine and Cujo come over to join our conversation when Dice returns. Petra follows, and then Myrna. Before long, Tawny and Leo make their way into the circle, and we’re all huddled up with conversations weaving and spinning. The Spirit Sisters mostly listen, but I can’t be sure if they’re hearing us or voices that the rest of us don’t detect. Even April contributes without agitating anyone.
Petra says the group may be smaller this year, but it has some of the best people Ivydell has ever known.
Leo declares it’s going to be the best festival they’ve ever had.
Shadow says he’s sure glad to be here for it, which strikes me as funny because Jensen has told me Shadow hates the festival.
Zara says she can’t wait to see Ivydell during the day. Dice leans down and says something meant for her ears only, but I’m standing close enough to catch something about the way he wants to see her tonight. My brain nopes out on that as quickly as possible, and I put a few more inches between us. We’re all adults, but they can keep their private talk private.
“I’m going to miss this place so much,” I say. “I’m not even gone yet, and I already can’t wait to come back.”
“Why would you come back?” April says. “Surely you could see a windfarm closer to home.”
“What?”
Everyone talks at once, rapid-fire words, obviously meant to distract me, or to drown out April’s response.
“What do you mean about a windfarm?” I ask, raising my voice.
They all stop talking and glare daggers at April.
“Why?” Myrna goes up onto the toes of her red snakeskin ankle boots to make eye contact with her. “Why!”
“Damn you, April.” Petra shakes her head.
In April’s defense, she looks genuinely stunned. But I still don’t know what the hell is happening. “Tell me what you meant.”
She looks at the floor in silence.
Jensen’s hand meets the small of my back. “This is it, Ivy. The last year for the festival.”
“Why?”
Petra closes her eyes like she’s summoning strength. When she opens them, she says, “Because none of us will be here next year. You leave next week, and over the following month, we will all do the same.”
“But why?”
Jensen moves his hand to my hip. “Because the women who own Ivydell have sold it, which was the exact right thing for them to do. It was time.”
“No! Let’s talk to them. You have to fight. Y’all did it once. And you won!”
“But we don’t want to fight anymore, doll.” Myrna’s voice is soft.
“Jensen speaks the truth, Ivy.” Alma sighs. “It was time.”
“Who are these women?”
Petra steps forward. And then Myrna. Alma and Elma fall in line next to them.
“The four of you own Ivydell?”
“Well, doll,” Myrna begins. “When we won the right to come back, someone had to start paying the taxes. It was abandoned land when Ivydell was originally settled, and it sat under the radar for nearly sixty-five years until that oil and gas company took notice. Before that, it was just a patch of worthless land nobody else cared about, but by fighting over it, we declared it had worth, so someone had to take legal ownership.”
“The four of you stepped up and took it on.” I’m in awe. It should’ve occurred to me that someone had to own Ivydell. It’s not really an autonomous magical realm in the middle of the desert. It’s land, and land has value. I understand that. But I don’t understand this.
“Is it really going to be turned into a windfarm?”
Petra laughs. “God, how I wish your Gran was here to give her perspective on this, complete with all her wind metaphors. There were so many signs that we were doing the right thing. But somehow, when you reached out to ask if you could come and see Ivydell, I finally stopped questioning it. Knowing you were coming to see it, to experience this place Patty loved, it closed the circle for me. I knew we’d made the right decision.”
“You knew this was happening before I even came?”
“These things take time.”
I look around at these faces I’ve come to consider friends. “Did everyone know? Everyone except me?”
“Ivy.” Jensen’s tone is stern and condescending, and I hate him for it.
Spinning to step out of his reach, I turn toward him. “You knew. This whole time, you fucking lied to me.”
“I have never lied to you.”
“A lie of omission is still a lie. If you can justify that, maybe I don’t know you at all. What else would keep from me and feel totally fine about?”
The circle widens as everyone begins to step away. Cujo holds Josephine’s shoulders when she stops and refuses to move. She glares at April. “You miserable bitch. You just can’t stand for anyone to enjoy a single goddamn happy moment, can you?”
“I didn’t mean to tell her, but someone should’ve done it a long time ago. It wasn’t right to keep her in the dark.”
“Don’t you dare,” Petra warns. “Don’t you dare try to justify it. And I’ll be damned if I’ll let you stand here and make yourself out to be her friend.”
“Was anyone else ever going to tell me?”
“Of course,” Jensen says.
“I was going to come and tell you in person,” Petra says.
“Come where? To the beach? You were going to let me leave, knowing I planned to come back and visit? Let me believe I could be a part of Ivydell forever, and not tell me it was ending?”
“Oh, sweet girl,” Elma says. “You are a part of it, but no place on earth lasts forever.”
“You weren’t going to tell me before I left either.” I stare into Jensen’s eyes.
“It was Petra’s right to tell you, but I had hoped to be there.”
“You’re a coward.”
“I’m going to let that go because I know you don’t really believe that about me.”
“How am I supposed to know what to believe? This makes me question if I could ever trust you, I know that.”
His face is crestfallen. He’s hurt, but I really don’t trust him right now. My truth may have hurt him, but I’m hurt because he withheld the truth. He knows that the truth is what I came here to find. I came searching for answers. And he just let me be deceived.
Oh, damn. Zara. She didn’t drive all day for this shit. “I’m so sorry. You should stay. Enjoy it. All of it.”
I run out of the community center because I can’t take another second of the sympathetic looks beaming at me from every direction. I don’t stop until I reach my casita. Zara walks through my door five minutes later. Jensen is right behind her.
“Zara, I don’t know what to say. I feel so bad that you came all this way.”
“What do you think you’re doing?” she asks.
“I can’t stay here. I have to go.”
“The hell you do. First of all, you’ve had too much wine to drive, so that’s not happening. Second of all, you’re too emotional right now to make decisions about anything. Third of all, I’m so damn glad I was here. I’m here, Ivy.”
Tears flow down my cheeks. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”
“I know.” She hugs me tight. “But running away won’t make it better. Running never helps.”
“She’s right,” Jensen says. “Can I have a few minutes alone with—”
“Tomorrow,” Zara says, cutting him off. “You can talk to her tomorrow. I’ve got her. She’s not going to go anywhere, but you need to go.”
I won’t look at him. I’m grateful she’s telling him to go. It’s the right thing, and I hate knowing that if I look at him, I might want him to stay. How can any part of me want him right now?
“I’m staying here tonight,” she says.
“I’m so sorry, Ivy.” I can hear it in his voice. He never meant to hurt me. “But if I had it to do over again, I still wouldn’t tell you.”
I push Zara away. “Why? How could you treat me like that, knowing I’d end up hurt?”
“Do you know how many people here are hurt because Ivydell is ending? How much bigger the loss is for them than it is for you? Or for me? Those women rebuilt Ivydell. They fought for it, not just for themselves, but for everyone they knew needed this place. But it’s time for it to end. And they deserve to be able to let it go without any of us guilting them over it. You can be mad at me for as long as you need to, but don’t leave here mad at Petra. Don’t shut her out, Ivy. She’s the strongest woman I’ve ever known, but I think that might break her.”
“Just go, Jensen.”
He walks out, closing the door gently behind him. But he storms right back in before I can take my next breath.
“The reason I would keep it from you all over again is because of the way your eyes lit up when you watched snowflakes coming down. The squeal you let out when you saw your first prairie dog. Your ridiculous anticipation about seeing chipmunks. Because a meteor shower was more to you than falling debris. It was all magical in your eyes, and I told myself you deserved a little magic in your life. But the truth is, it was easy for me not to tell you. Because I desperately wanted to see the world through your eyes. And if I had it to do all over again, I’d make the same selfish choice. I’d choose to let you believe in magic every time. If that makes me a coward, then I guess I am one.”
He walks out again, but this time, he doesn’t come back.
“What an asshole,” Zara says.
“He’s the worst man I’ve ever met.”
We both laugh as I fall into her arms.