29
VALENTINA
Lucy: Muffin. I miss you.
Me: Same. Can we have lunch tomorrow?
Lucy: Say no more. Will it be liquid or actual food?
Me: Both?
Lucy: Ladies and gentleman, the reason this woman is my best girl. Hey, I meant to ask you. What earrings did you have your eye on? We sold an expensive pair this week and I’m really hoping it wasn’t the ones you wanted.
Me: Those ruby and diamond cluster earrings. I know they’re expensive, but Monty is paying me more than enough to treat myself.
Me: image attached
Lucy: Damn. I was hoping those weren’t the ones. We sold them the other day.
Me: What? Noooo. I wanted them so badly.
Lucy: I’m sorry babe. I wish I would’ve been here to put them on hold or just buy them. That cunt Janae sold them.*gag*
Me: Luce!! That’s rude.
Lucy: No it’s not. She totally is. She gave Dale head in the break room…while there were customers and sales people on the floor!
Me: Ok, yeah. She totally is. How did we get here? Your ADHD is kicking in. Did you take your medicine?
Lucy: Of course…not. Leave me alone! Chase’s dick has magical powers and I haven’t needed any other medicine than the one he shoots off in my cucucachu every night. Speaking of shooting off. How’s the dicking down going with Big Nic?
Me: What? Did Chase tell you about that? OMGosh Luce. If you say that to Nic, he’s going to think I told you. It’s weird as hell that he named it in the first place, but then he’s going to think I go around telling you about our sex life.
Lucy: WTF are you talking about? I called him Big Nic because of those thick thighs that I bet you’d be okay with getting choked out by.
Lucy: OH SHIT!! He calls his dick Big Nic?!
Me: Lucy you keep your pie hole shut. I swear woman, I will end you if you say anything. Turnabout is fair game, and Dolly Parton is still sitting in my back pocket.
Lucy: How dare you! You’re evil, and I fucking love it. Pinkie swear, no talking about big boobies or big dicks. Although now I’m quite curious. How big we talkin’? A mouthful, tonsillectomy, or joker smile?
Me: I hate myself right now.Goodbye Lucy. I love you.
“ B abe?” I startle when I hear Nic call for me, and quickly shove my phone under a kitchen towel.
‘He–” I choke and quickly clear my throat. “I’m in here.”
He turns the corner into my kitchen with a bright smile. The one that makes me melt like the Wicked Witch of the West. I knew he was coming up which is why I left the door unlocked for him. But this text with Lucy threw me off.
“Hi beautiful.” Nic walks around the kitchen bar and immediately wraps me up in his large arms and kisses me into mind numbness.
What was I saying before this?
“I missed you. I hate that we live so far away from one another.” He pouts and it’s the fucking hottest thing.
“Nico…we live twenty-five minutes apart. And you’re coming from practice which means it’s an extra five minutes at most.”
“I know, but it’s twenty minutes too much. Maybe if we just lived together–”
“Woah. No. Calm down with that shit. It hasn’t even been two months and you’re ready to pack a bag? You need to slow down. Oh my god, I can’t breathe. Move.” I try to bat him away, needing space.
Like he loves to do so much, he starts laughing his ass off, head back and eyes closed, and now I want to punch him.
“I’m–I’m joking. Damn, I love ruffling your feathers.” He slides his hands into the back pocket of my jeans and squeezes my ass like it’s a ripe peach.
“If you’re not careful, my feathers are the only thing you’ll be ruffling.”
He stops laughing and tilts his head to one side. “Huh?”
“Never mind. It sounded better in my head.” It falls silent and my phone picks just that moment to begin buzzing.
I reach behind me, slapping my hand around until I find the towel and cover it. He watches me quizzically and I smile stiffly. “It’s probably Lucy. Don’t worry about it.”
The phone buzzes again…and again, and Nic’s face switches from curiosity to worry. I hear the uneasiness slip down his throat, and my stomach fills with festering tension.
“Maybe you should check it. If it’s Lucy, she could be in trouble.”
I fist the towel and phone in my hand and nod with extreme apprehension.
His voice is thick with his feeling that I’m hiding something, and why wouldn’t it be.
Right now, I seem like the guiltiest of deplorables and refusing to answer the texts that are still coming through only perpetuates that feeling.
My bottom lip is trapped between my teeth, and I slowly pull the towel and phone across the counter. The towel is flipped off and my fingers wrap around the phone with trembling fear. Fear because the things that come out of Lucy’s mouth can make even the toughest man blush.
I keep the phone pressed close to my body and swipe it open like a guilty person. It’s going to be impossible to read or respond like this, so I give myself a little more room and find that I am correct in my assumption that it is Lucy and her unfiltered mouth.
Lucy: Wait! I wanna know!!
Lucy: Your silence is very telling.
Lucy: THAT BIG! Biiiitch. Get it, sister.
Lucy: At least tell me if he knows how to handle such a big rig. I’d be heartbroken for you if it’s all show and no blow.
Lucy: Val! Are you ignoring me? Or are you stuffed full of Big Nic and can’t talk right now? Please tell me it’s the latter.
Lucy: I’m thinking yes. You can tell me all about it later. And I want AAAALLLLLL the details. Size (in water bottle inches), girth, head (is he sporting a turtleneck or a big fat mushroom), and if he’s a toe curler. K. Love you. Bye!
Why? Why is she like this? Why, of all the people in Houston to become best friends with, did this nut job have to be assigned to me.
“Lucy knows about Big Nic, huh. Be sure to tell her I’m one of those liter size bottles.”
I click my phone, turning the screen black, and smack his chest. “Quit eavesdropping! You’re invading my privacy. And really? A liter? Don’t you think that’s pushing a bit much, buddy.”
His eyes alight with gall and his jaw drops. My waist is immediately gripped tight in his hands and I’m lifted into the air, my butt landing with a plop on the counter.
“I can’t believe you just said that. Do you need me to remind you of how you cried, oh Nic. You’re so big I can feel you everywhere. ”
“I did not say that!” I laugh as he digs his fingers into my sides and tickles me.
When he stops and pushes his way between my legs and wraps his arms around me. “Well, it sounded like that.”
My cheeks ache with the amount of smiling and laughing I’ve been doing lately.
Usually they only get a work out when Lucy is around.
Nic has this way of making me forget that I’m supposed to be immune to men’s charm.
I’ve always been an expert at maintaining my bullshit meter in full working order, but he has shattered that in a matter of moments.
He runs his fingers gently through my hair and pushes it behind my ear. A wake of goosebumps washes over me with his touch, and it’s just another reminder that there is no way I can stop this freight train headed straight for me.
“I have something for you.” Nic reaches into his pocket, producing a familiar looking deep blue velvet box.
I stare at it sitting in the palm of his hands, and the blood rushes from my face to my toes.
I have to slam my hands to the counter to keep me from falling over.
This man is constantly full of surprises so the concept that within that box lies a round piece of metal with a shiny diamond on it is not a far off notion.
“Before you freak out, can you please just open it?”
My breathing turns shallow as I take it from him, but my fingers are too petrified to take the final step .
I look up at him and he encourages me to keep going.
I close one eye as I pry it open, and the lid creaks like hinges on an old door in a scary movie.
When I’ve opened the mouth of the dragon, instead of fire I find a treasure. With a gasp, I stare awestruck.
“The earrings.” The ones Lucy just told me were sold. The ones I had my heart set on.
Nic looks at me like a very proud man, seeing how joy fills me. “Lucy said these are the ones that made your eyes light up. And as beautiful as they were in store, I knew they’d be even more beautiful set amongst the brightest jewel in the galaxy.”
The tears that have laid dormant for years finally decided to break the levee and flood down my cheeks. Words fail me because the man that I was told –in the words of Monty– liked to wag his wiener all over the free world is now calling me a jewel in his galaxy. Like… c’mon .
“I hope the tears mean you like them.” I can tell he’s anxious with my lack of verbal response, so I throw my arms around him and tell him with my kiss.
My salty tears coat our lips and our tongues dance a waltz of lovers. Me…in love…with a man who makes my nerves crawl up my spine and burst out of my head.
Queue tire screech.
Wait…in love? That’s not what this is. AT ALL! It’s just amazing sex. That’s it. I love the sex we’re having and the orgasms have clouded my brain.
My rational brain re-engages and I come back down to Earth.
“Thank you Nico. I love them. They are the exact ones I’ve been wanting.” I swipe away at my tears, but he sweetly brushes away my hand and takes over drying duties. “How did you know about them?
“A loud Lucy dodo bird told me that they recently became your object of desire. So, I thought, why not give my object of desire hers.”
Ugh!! Can he just stop already?
He brings his thumb to his mouth and licks away the tears he has stolen. “Why did you do that? There’s a towel right here, you weirdo.”
With a slow shake of his head, he says something that knocks my brain off its rocker. “I want your smiles, your laughs, your looks that tell me I’ve pushed you to the edge of your sanity, and your tears. Good or bad, I want to be the one that carries them for you.”
Here’s where I would insert that gif of the woman melting and sliding out of her chair because literally, I’m smashed.
I grind my teeth because I will not cry again. Once every few years is more than sufficient.
“No more crying, beautiful. Let’s do something fun. Go brush those pickle chips off your breath and grab some comfy shoes.”
“What? I don’t–that’s crazy. I don’t even like those.” The pulse in my neck throbs. If there were a lie detector hooked up to me right now, it would definitely be blaring alarms.
He gives me that one brow arched look and steps over to my trash can. Lifting the lid, he reaches in, roots around, and pulls out an empty bag. The evidence sits in my face and he acts like he just solved the greatest mystery of all time.
“Babe. It’s okay. They’re amazing. Just admit it and move on.” He drops the bag back into the trash and crosses his arms over his chest.
I jump off the counter and mirror his stance, though I am much less imposing in mine.
We have a silent stare down, waiting for the other to break.
Normally I am the champ of strong wills.
People don’t challenge me because they know they simply cannot win.
But of course, this jerk has to completely ruin everything I’ve built up.
With a sigh, I drop my hands and concede. “Fine. I like them. I don’t want to, but those things are addicting and I can’t stop.”
He throws his head back in riotous laughter, and it’s a sound more glorious than that of me counting my shoes and purses.
“Let’s go Ms. Pickle.” He takes my hand and drags me to my bathroom where I continue to pout now that he’s discovered my secret.
My sour mood doesn’t last too long because Nic finds a way to boost me right up. Let’s just say we both had to brush away the evidence.
Jesus, where is this cheesy shit coming from? Nic has, once again, orgasmed me into stupidity.