34
VALENTINA
Nico: Mi Reina. It’s been three days. Can you please call me?
Me: Monty has approved the statement we worked up. I will release it to the media and it will probably all be gone by the time you step out onto the field Monday night.
Nico: That’s not why I want to talk. I need you. We’re both miserable, I know it. Lucy said you’ve completely shut down. We don’t have to do this alone. We’re stronger together, so why fight alone.
Me: I’m not fighting. I’m done.
Nico: Tell me you love me. I know you do.
Me: Love doesn’t exist in me, anymore. I gave you the last that I had. You’ve drained me, Nico Loving. All that’s left is the blood flowing through my veins.
Nico: Quit talking like that.
Me: I have work to do. Goodbye Nico.
Nico: Why does that sound so final?
Me: Because it is.
Nico: No it isn’t. We’ll never be done. You’re mine forever and I’ll prove it.
Nico: Te amo, mi corazón.
I spent exactly eight hours mourning Nico, then packed him up and stuck him on the shelf in a dark corner. Not him, technically, but everything that reminded me of him. Seeing it, smelling it, only made the pain grow deeper. I needed it out of sight.
Lucy said I was back to being a robot and it made her sad.
She was so happy to see life back in my eyes when Nico was around.
I told her I’m not a robot but a level headed person who lives in reality.
And the reality is I have nothing left to offer anyone.
I gave it to Nico and I don’t want it back. It’s too heavy to carry.
A week has passed and I’m no stronger than I was before.
I plaster on a professional smile and use my “customer service” voice just to get work done, but when the day is over I’m back home wallowing in anger for being so caught up in a man that I couldn’t see the truth of who he really was. I learned my lesson and never again.
My phone rings and my eyes dart around the kitchen, looking for where I placed it last. My head has been so foggy that I am in a constant state of unawareness.
My house is a mess, I can’t seem to stay focused on any one task long enough to finish, and sleep is either hard to come by or too plentiful.
I spot my phone laying on a towel next to the sink and rush to grab it before whomever is calling hangs up.
I sigh when I see Nic’s name flash on the screen and flip it over, setting it face down on the counter.
Walking out of the kitchen, I settle myself on the couch, pulling my feet snug beneath me and hiding under a blanket.
I bring the soft fabric to my nose and it smells just like him. Another item for the burn pile.
No sooner do I throw the blanket off of me does the phone begin to ring again.
I let it go until it falls silent, but the peace only lasts for a moment.
He won’t stop until I answer it. He’s stubborn and persistent and I know that I can either answer and get it over with, or sleep with earplugs because I doubt he’ll stop anytime soon.
I drag myself to the kitchen just in time for it to begin ringing for the fourth time, and answer it.
“What do you want Nico?”
“Can I come up?” His voice is thick with emotion.
“Are you here? I didn’t invite you.”
“And apparently you removed my name from the approved list.”
I go in search of something to fight off the cool chill that runs through my body and come to stand at the entrance of my closet.
“I removed you for this very reason. I didn’t want you showing up uninvited. Or at all, to be honest.” A stack of neatly folded sweatshirts sit in their cubby and I really feel like punching my fist through a wall.
When I gathered up various items that were Nic’s, I failed to go through my clothing which now contains bits and pieces of his wardrobe that I either obtained when he left it here, when I borrowed it leaving his place, or just flat out stole from him.
“Baby, please. I just need to talk to you. I…I don’t have anyone and I really need someone.” He sounds so unlike himself, sad and small.
I lean against the closet door frame and stare at myself in the large mirror at the back of the closet.
My reflection shows a tired and broken woman.
I can’t even pretend to look happy. I’m so far from the woman I was just a few short months ago, andI can’t stand to see the weary woman looking back at me.
I hear him sniff quietly and I slide down to the floor, pressing my eyes shut. “What are you talking about Nic?”
“Soba. He did something and we’re not talking. And if that wasn’t enough, Saint dropped a bomb and now I don’t know what to do.”
“And what is the problem? Or are you going to just dance around it for the next twenty minutes?” I continue to act as if I don’t really care what is currently going on because he may get the wrong idea if I show an ounce of sympathy.
On the inside, though, I’m distraught with worry because from the sounds of his voice, I know it’s something bad.
“It’s…it’s too much. I need to see you. Please?” His voice sounds completely broken, much like my heart.
“What do you mean too much? Just tell me. I don’t have time for your games.” I climb to my feet and grab a sweatshirt from the top of the stack despite the fact that it probably smells like him.
“If you could let me up, I can explain.”
I war with myself, fighting over whether or not to let him up.
I just know that the minute he steps into my space that I become thirty percent less effective at keeping him at a distance.
Whatever it is that he is going to say seems to be detrimental, so letting him speak about in a public place isn’t ideal.
I remember a place that is a bit off the beaten path and isn’t usually frequented by many people unless they’re seeking peace and refuge. That’s the best I can give him right now.
“I’ll be down in a minute. I know a place we can go to talk.” I press end without another word and slip my feet into my fuzzy slides.
I quickly comb my fingers through my hair and pinch my cheeks to bring some color to my recently dull face.
The entire way down the elevator, I prepare myself for seeing him. Don’t touch him. Don’t smell him. Don’t look directly at his blinding smile. Show no weakness . I can’t say for sure that this little pep talk will work, but I can try my best.
The elevator slows and the bell rings. As the doors slide open I take a deep breath and step out.
The dreary weather permeates through the lobby, and the gray sky makes everything dim.
But there is one stand-out who seems unaffected.
In the middle of the lobby stands Nic, hands in pockets, a hoodie pulled up over his ball cap, and a boyish charm wafting off of him.
Goddammit Valentina . You looked right at him.
My heart beats, ba-dum ba-dum, and my hands begin to sweat. While the few days apart have made me look haggard and tired, he only looks more handsome. Even with the forlorn look.
I fist my hands and take precise and measured steps towards him.
That sexy crooked smile begins to peek, and I pray it’s not followed by my arch nemesis; the fatal lip lick.
My defenses will be weak against it. I’m already leaking like a faucet seeing him in those sweats that show the outline of his dick.
My eyes are burning from the magnitude of strength I am using to not look at what I know is there.
He pulls his hands free and then it happens. Flood waters come rushing when that pink tongue makes an appearance and swipes the corner of his mouth. Chills surge across my arms and legs, crawling up my back and neck, and I bite the inside of my cheek to hide the desire with assaulting pain.
“Hi mi Reina.” He steps forward, ready to reach for me, and I stumble back.
I’ve already broken one rule. There ain’t no way in hell that I’ll allow another.
“Hello Nico.” His face looks broken when I respond, but I have to be this way. “I know of a place that’s private. Let’s go talk there.”
The sad nod of his head kills me. I want nothing more than to pull him into my arms and kiss every inch of his beautiful face. But my stubborn heart is not about to end up hemorrhaging blood when he inevitably stomps on it again.
“Can we walk there?” He looks out the windows then says, “Never mind. It’s too cold. I’ll drive.”
Instinctively he reaches for my hand but I tuck it away, crossing my arms over my chest. We step out the doors and his car is still sitting right in front. When I look at him, he says, “I wasn’t sure if I’d need to park it. Thought it was best to keep it near for a speedy getaway.”
A smile threatens to bloom, but I force it away. As ever the gentleman, Nico opens my door and secures me inside before getting into the driver’s seat and pulling onto the street.
After a minute he asks, “Do you mind if we stop and grab a coffee? I could really use one.”
“Sure. I wouldn’t mind a hot tea.”
After making a quick stop at my favorite little coffee shop, I give him directions to my secret spot.
We pull up to a small park-like area, tucked between trees that are now barren from the late fall as it inches closer to winter.
There’s a small bench that sits in the middle of it and it’s currently unoccupied.
“We can sit there,” I point out.
“Outside? But it’s cold. You hate the cold.”
“Yes, but staying in this car with you in close proximity is not a good idea. C’mon.” Before he has a chance to slide over his hood Dukes of Hazard style, I open my door and head straight for the bench.
Fuck . It’s as cold as an eskimo’s balls. But it beats the alternative which is fogging up the windows of his car with the libidinous heat that pours from his body.
He sits down next to me and I scoot over another couple of inches, needing the breathing room. Nico looks down at his coffee cup and clears his throat.
“So on the day that everything happened. You know,” I nod because I don’t need the horrible details again. “I called the guys to give Soba a heads up. I was worried how it could affect him. After I spilled my guts, he came clean about a secret of his own.”
I take a slow sip of my scalding tea to keep the words I want to screech from oozing out.
“I think I told you how the original plan was for the three of us to go to San Fran. There had been some talks with the front office and we thought it was just about done. We only needed to wait on that couch on draft night for them to call our names. But when Soba got picked by the Rage, it sent me into a tailspin and subsequently brought me here. It brought me to you so I don’t have a single complaint. ”
I start to pick at a hangnail on my thumb, yet another tactic to stay firm in my seat and not end up in his lap.
“Apparently the picks weren’t just some fluke. Soba went behind our backs, and the Rage made moves of their own to ensure they could draft him.”
“But why? I don’t understand.”
“For Scottie. He made all of these moves, potentially ruining our careers, all so he could chase a woman who didn’t even know who he was.”
“Huh? So then how did he know her?”
“Scottie was best friends with his older sister. When he was a teenager, he developed a bit of an obsession with her and that led him to screwing us all over. The Rage didn’t need two expensive receivers, but they did need a quarterback.
He saw his green light that would get him to Scottie, and left his brothers in the dust. But now it’s all supposed to be okay because he got the girl, and San Fran is willing to make some trades to take us.
But that kind of shit only happens in dreams.”
My jaw drops and I am gobsmacked. How could someone who calls himself a best friend do something so devious?
“You and Nik didn’t know?” He shakes his head and I simply can’t help it. I lay my hand on his in a comforting gesture. “I’m so sorry Nico. That’s horrible. What did Nik have to say about it?”
“I don’t know. I hung up the phone after telling him I would never play ball with him again, and haven’t answered one call or text from him since.
I feel bad for leaving Papas hanging, but between that and you not talking to me, I don’t have the energy to do anything but sit in a dark room and wish I could turn back time. ”
“But you said something about Nik, too. Does he have anything to do with the draft?” The steam from the tea warms my cold nose as it rises from the small opening in the lid.
“Papas. That’s a whole other clusterfuck.” He drops his head back against the bench, his eyes searching the sky for some type of answer.
And when he tells me what Nik did, to a degree of betrayal as Soba, I understand his reasoning for looking to the heavens. He’s begging for relief. His best friends betrayed him and he doesn't know how to handle his new reality.
I hear his voice crack and my brain kicks the stupid rules in the face and my arms wrap around his neck. He buries his head in my neck and squeezes me tight.
“In the blink of an eye, I lost everything I’ve ever known.
My best friends destroyed my trust and everything I thought I knew to be true.
But the worst of it all is losing you.” He sits up and looks deep into my eyes.
“Do you know what it feels like to live every day without the beating of your heart? I’m a zombie walking around without any purpose except to get from point A to B in one piece.
But I keep dropping parts along the way, and the only thing keeping me from falling into a dark hole is the hope that you might forgive me. ”
A thick lump forms in my throat, blocking the words I forgive you from coming out.
I’ve sat in silence for days, telling myself to quit punishing him for his actions before we were together.
But how do I know what he says is the honest truth?
Men will say anything to save themselves, and I have to do what I must to save myself.
Even if that means denying myself the happiness I so desperately want.
“I’m sorry this is all happening to you. Just give it some time. You and the Nickies will be tight as ever before.” The hope in his eyes fades, and I hate to be the one who clouds his sunshine but one of us needs to live in the present.
Nic rests his back against the bench and sags.
Our thighs touch, our hands resting next to each other, and I turn my palm face up.
Timidly, he takes it and grips it tight.
His head lays on my shoulder and we sit, silently and holding hands, wondering if this is the last time we’ll touch one another.
Leaves rattle in the cool breeze, and on my shoulder I feel a small puddle gather. I don’t look because it will break me, but I know they’re the tears of a man who feels like his world is crumbling around him.
I may not be the one who can love him right now, but I can be the one who holds him up.