20. Chapter 20
Chapter 20
Spencer
A fter dinner, Lis and I walk back across the street to Blue Vista. Daze and Sophie are going to stop in next week to talk to me and Vic about what their budget is to see if there’s anything we can do for them.
When we get back, I lead Lis into my office. Everything is quiet. I know she’s in her head about something, but I can’t figure out what.
“Are you okay?” I ask.
She freezes, lifting her eyes to search mine. “What do you mean?”
“You’re upset about something. I don’t think it’s the engagement. But you shifted your glass closer to me, so I thought you wanted me to change the subject.”
She stares at me for a long moment and I can see doubt flash across her features. “I am so happy for my sister,” she says. “I know how much she loves Sophie and how much Soph loves her. And their wedding is going to be spectacular and their life together is going to be perfect.”
“But…”
Her shoulders slump and she looks up at me with damp eyes. I want to wrap her in my arms and take away whatever she’s feeling that’s making her sad.
“But after the initial excitement wore off, I started to feel jealous. And then I felt guilty for feeling jealous. I should be able to be happy for her without anything else interfering.”
“It’s okay to feel two conflicting emotions at the same time, Lis.”
She wraps her arms around herself, and her gaze drops to the ground. “It’s not just that.”
The weight of everything that happened between us settles into the room. I want to know what she’s thinking. Is she regretting not giving us a chance? If she is, do I want her to make that decision based on what she’s feeling right now? I’d rather she come to it on her own, because she knows, like I do, that we’re right for each other.
I wonder if it matters. As long as she gets there, does it matter how she did?
All at once, I’m certain the answer is yes. I don’t want to be her choice because she’s feeling lonely. I want to be her choice because she realizes that we belong together.
I clear my throat. “Should we get to work?” I ask.
She looks back up at me, blinking, and I wonder again what she’d been thinking. What has that look of doubt still marring her expression? Then she nods.
She sits in one of my office chairs, and I move around my desk, turning my computer on. I shake myself out of the thoughts of Lis, and we focus on work. When we’re done thirty minutes later, she has a list that she leaves on Derek’s desk for the morning.
“You going to take transit home or walk?” I ask when she returns, getting my jacket on.
“I was thinking of walking. I brought your hoodie for you, but since I didn’t think I’d be here this late, I assume you’re going to make me wear it.”
I grin. “Absolutely. Come on. I’ll walk you home.”
While she pulls the sweater over her head, I catch sight of the flower tattoo on her arm.
“Why the left arm?” I ask when we’re walking along the Seawall.
“What?”
“You and Daze have your tattoos on the left arm. And her and Sophie have their matching tattoos also on the left arm. Why?”
“Because that’s the heart side.”
I nudge her shoulder with mine. “Are you just as toothachingly sweet as Daze and Sophie?”
She flips her hair behind her back, nose in the air. “I prefer to think of it as romantic.”
We walk in silence for a bit and then I ask, “So how are you feeling now?”
She gives me a small smile. “I’ll be fine.”
But her tone doesn’t match her words. She’s still in her head, still thinking about something that’s not making her happy.
“You know I’m happy to listen if you want to talk it out,” I tell her. “Sometimes just saying it out loud helps you figure out.”
She opens her mouth to say something and then closes it again. We walk in silence for a few steps before she finally says. “Did you know, I haven’t had a serious relationship since the one that got me fired?”
I glance at her in shock. “Really?”
She nods. “After it happened, I moved in with Daze. She and Sophie were already dating and the two of them helped piece me back together. I got a new job and I didn’t let myself get close to anyone. So when there were some layoffs, it was easy for them to let me go.”
“Fuck.”
She shrugs. “It’s fine. I understood it was more about needing fewer employees than me actually being bad at the job. And they gave me an excellent reference letter. So I got my last job and I had to figure out how to be friendly without being too friendly. I worked there for three years and made my way up through the ranks until I was second in command. I knew I could never go further there. The head of the kitchen is also the owner.”
She takes a breath and I have a feeling we’re coming to the heart of what she’s been thinking about for the last few hours.
“After I was fired, when I thought about dating again, I just couldn’t. It was all tied so closely to what had happened. I’d felt like I was on a good path and then it was suddenly ripped away. I figured it was better to focus on one thing at a time so I focused on my career. And I don’t regret that.” She says it like she’s trying to decide if the statement is true. “I know I’ll have it all one day, the whole future that I want. For now, I guess I’m just a little envious that Daze found her person so young. She was only 22 when they met.”
“Practically still a baby.”
She nudges me this time and we walk in silence for a few steps. I figure it’s time to change the subject.
“How do you think your parents are going to react to the news?”
She laughs. “I actually hadn’t thought of that, but it’s quite a perk for me. Mom and Dad are going to be so overjoyed about the wedding, they’re going to stop bugging me about relationships and grandbabies for a while. Well. Maybe a date for the wedding. But the grandbabies part? They are going to be all in, begging Sophie and Daze to get to work.”
I smile at her sudden lightheartedness. “Do they plan to have kids right away?”
“I don’t think so. I know Daze wanted to be married. But I think Sophie wants to be married for a year at least.”
“I’ve actually been thinking about what you asked when we went on that hike a few weeks ago,” I say. “About what my dream is. I know what it is, if you’re interested.”
“Of course I am.”
I swallow. She’d been open and vulnerable with me. I could be the same with her. “You know my father and I aren’t close.”
“I believe you’ve used the term estranged, before.”
I nod. “Yeah. Well, he wasn’t an easy man to grow up with. And I guess I’ve always kind of wanted to prove him wrong. To show him… no, to show myself that it can be possible to be successful at business and family life. I want a wife. Family. Kids. That’s what I’m missing.”
“Yeah?”
I nod, trying to look as nonchalant as possible despite my racing heart.
“Yeah. I guess I’ve always known it was something I wanted, but I just haven’t really thought about what that means.”
“And now?”
I glance aside at her, but she’s not looking at me.
“Well, now, I need to buy a place. I figure the first step is to remove Vic as my safety net and then figure it out.” I don’t tell her that I want her to be that wife, that I want her to be the mother of my kids. Especially since I’ve never even asked her if she wants kids. Which, now that I’m thinking about it, I really want to ask. It would be weird though. Right?
She sighs and answers the question I haven’t asked. “A husband and kids. It’s such a pretty dream.”
“You want those things too?” I ask.
“Yeah. I mean, getting married isn’t as important to me as it is to Daze. But then, it’s never been illegal for me to marry a man. And I definitely want a kid one day. Maybe two.”
I nod. “I want at least two.”
She smiles up at me. “So we agree on two, then.”
“Would you want to wait a bit? After you’re married? Like Daze and Sophie.”
“I don’t know. I think it’ll depend on the guy and our relationship. Maybe a little on how old I am. I don’t want to have kids past thirty-five. I know I can, and lots of people do, it’s just not for me.”
“You still have lots of time.”
“Do I? I’m twenty-eight, Spencer. And I’m not in a relationship at all. I still need to meet someone, fall in love, decide to get married, get married, and then have kids. I don’t want to rush any of that just because my biological clock is ticking.”
Something inside me eases and I realize she’s just laid to rest the fear that I’d had earlier about her wanting me only because I’m here and she’s lonely. Lis is not the kind of person who would enter a relationship that way. If she does, she’ll do it consciously. Once she make a decision, she goes all in, just like I do. Except I usually make my decisions fast with little thought and all instinct. Lis takes her time. Time I’m willing to give her.
I grab her hand, tugging her to a stop. “You don’t need to rush anything. You could meet the person of your dreams tomorrow.” Or a month ago. “Worrying about it won’t help you.”
She sighs and steps closer to me. I immediately wrap her in a hug, giving her the comfort she needs. I take the opportunity to kiss her head because that’s the only way I can kiss her right now.