29. Chapter 29
Chapter 29
Nate
I t’s the most miserable ride home I’ve ever had. I love riding my motorcycle. It brings me peace and makes me feel in control of my life and close to my dad. When he was alive, I would go to him with all my problems, and he’d help me work them out. I’d give just about anything to be able to go to him now with this.
Today, I go through the motions during my ride, my head filled with a sort of buzzing noise, and when I get home, I’m relieved. I eat because I have to, and the food tastes like cardboard. The image of Adalie, her heart broken—by me— haunts every second of the rest of the day. By the time I climb into bed later, I’m so angry with myself that I want to punch something. Maybe my face.
I pick up my phone and have her contact up, ready to put the call through before I stop myself. I want to hear her voice. I want to tell her I’m sorry and hadn’t meant any of what I’d said, but is that what she wants? I stare at my phone all night, debating, hoping she might call me, knowing she won’t.
By the time I get up in the morning, I haven’t slept more than a few hours, and I pull myself out of bed, my whole body feeling heavy. I drag myself to the kitchen, getting coffee ready. Taylor comes in before it’s finished, looking around the space expectantly.
“Where’s Adalie?” he asks.
I brace my arms on the counter in front of the coffee maker, willing it to brew faster. I don’t look at my brother.
“What did you do?” he asks next.
I glance at him. “Why do you assume it was something I did?”
He doesn’t bother to dignify my idiotic question with a response. Of course it was something I did. Adalie is a fucking princess. She would never do something to tear my heart out. Why is it only now that I’ve realized this?
I sigh and straighten. “We had a fight. I said some things. She doesn’t want to talk to me.” I pour two mugs of coffee, setting one in front of my brother.
“Yesterday?” he asks.
“Obviously yesterday,” I reply with a snarl.
“So, how long are you going to leave it before you apologize?” He says it like it’s the easiest thing in the world. Like I could call her up right now and she’d forgive me for being a huge asshole.
“Didn’t you hear me? She doesn’t want to talk to me. She wouldn’t even let me give her a ride home yesterday.”
“You left her in Whistler?” he asks, and I can see in his face that he wants to punch me. Fuck, if he throws one, I’ll let him. I deserve it.
I shake my head. “She said she didn’t want a ride and walked away. She called her friends, and they came back to get her. I waited until she got in the car before I left as well. I wouldn’t leave her stranded. Even if she hates me, I wouldn’t do that.”
Taylor takes a slow breath and sits on a stool, pulling his coffee toward himself. “What the fuck happened?” he asks.
So I tell him. I tell him how much of a fucking asshole I was. How I’d started talking and couldn’t seem to get the right words to come out. The way she’d looked at me before she’d walked away.
When I’m done, I’m certain Taylor is going to hit me or, at the very least, tell me off. Instead, he scrubs a hand over his face.
“You dickhead. Apologize to her. Tell her you freaked. Tell her you didn’t mean any of it. Fucking grovel if you have to. Do not let this one get away.”
I stare into the black depths of my coffee. “Maybe she’s better off if she does.”
Taylor scoffs. “Guaranteed she is. But you need her. You’re in love with her. Fix this.”
“I’m not—”
He pins me with a sharp look. “Don’t fucking lie to me, Nate. I’m your brother.”
I shut my mouth and clench my teeth.
“Don’t believe me?” he says. “Let me ask you this. Who is the last person you think about before you fall asleep?”
The answer is either Adalie or Dani, but I don’t say that out loud.
“And the first person you think about when you wake up? What about when something really awesome happens? Who is the first person you want to tell? Something awful happens. Same question. Think about the rest of your life. From this moment forward, who do you want next to you? Who do you want to see, day in, day out? That’s the person you’re in love with. You have been in love with this woman for months and not let yourself believe it.”
My heart drops from my chest to my gut. He’s right. I am in love with Adalie and never let myself think about it. Never let myself see how desperately I want her to love me back. But I’m right, too. She deserves better than me, better than a man who breaks her heart in a fit of panic. Better than a man who doesn’t know how to be what she needs.
It never would have worked between us, anyway. I’m too closed off. She’s too open. I’m a gruff dickhead with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer. She’s a stubborn wildflower, bringing vibrant colour to an otherwise drab world. It’s probably better to let her go before I hurt her even worse.
I shake my head, convinced. “I’ve never had a relationship last after a fight.”
Taylor scoffs. “That’s because you never do anything after a fight. And fine, maybe before it was because the relationship wasn’t worth saving, but this one is. This woman is. You love her, Nate. Jesus fuck, man. Get your head out of your ass.” He shakes his head, picking up his mug. “I’m going to ride to work today. I’ll see you there.”
Then he leaves the way he came in.
He’s right about a lot of things, but he’s wrong about one thing. Letting Adalie go—so I can’t hurt her again—is the only right thing I can do.
It’s Monday, so I have to drive the car to work so I can get Dani later. That’s when I realize I’ve broken more than just Adalie’s and my heart. When she doesn’t show up for the art lesson on Thursday, it’s going to break my little girl’s heart, too.