Chapter Seventeen
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
H aisley’s heart stopped. She didn’t want to shut Nash down. He deserved better. She didn’t want to lie, either. But the truth? Catastrophic.
She settled for as much honesty as she dared. “You scared me.”
His face hardened. “So your sobbing confession over the phone about me being too rough, too kinky, and too?—”
“No. None of that was true. I’m sorry I lied. That wasn’t fair to you, but I didn’t know what to say. I had broken one of our rules. Remember, we made a pact on our very first night that we wouldn’t get emotionally involved. Neither of us wanted entanglements, and I…messed up.”
His breath caught. His eyes searched hers. “You cared about me?”
Haisley nodded. Maybe the adrenaline of the evening had crumbled her defenses. Maybe the power of her orgasms had wiped her out. Or maybe she should just blame Nash’s closeness and her own traitorous heart. Whatever the culprit, she couldn’t stop the tears stinging her eyes. “I was in love with you. And I knew if I stayed, it wouldn’t last. You would only break my heart so?—”
“Never,” he vowed, holding her close with all his gentle might. “I would never have hurt you. I was in love with you, too.”
Once, his confession would have sent her soaring with elation. Now it was crushingly bittersweet. If they had communicated more clearly… If she had been brave enough to tell him what was in her heart… If he had even whispered that she wasn’t alone in this aching tangle of feeling and need…
But none of that had happened, and when push had come to shove, Haisley had only seen one option: to run.
Her tears fell. “I had no idea.”
“I had no fucking idea how you felt, either.”
They’d consigned their unspoken feelings to the dark corners of their hearts, only daring to express them wordlessly during the blissful nights of mind-blowing sex.
Why was it she’d felt little fear when she’d found herself capturing photos of protests that quickly devolved into riots or rolling video of gang violence that had long gripped LA, but the thought of bleeding out the contents of her heart and baring her soul to this man had been utterly terrifying?
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, aching with how much she meant that. “I didn’t handle our breakup well. I assumed that you only wanted sex and?—”
“I was going to propose, Haisley. I bought you an engagement ring. I was waiting for the right moment.”
Haisley’s heart stopped—right before it broke. No… She couldn’t have heard that right. But she replayed his gruff whisper in her head, and…yeah, he’d said those words all right. Her chest threatened to cave in.
“Oh, my god. I…” She bit her lip, staring into his eyes, feeling both a stunning spark of hope and, at the same time, deep despair. “Oh, god…”
“If I had, what would you have said?” When tears rolled down her cheeks, he wiped them away with gentle thumbs. “Baby?”
Her first impulse was a resounding yes. All her adult life, she’d ached for love, for the comfort and gentle familiarity of her person, for him to be there for her, protect her, and bolster her. To lift her up during long days of life battering away at her spirit. To light her on fire with long nights of connection and pleasure. And for a few brief, shining months, she’d had that with Nash. Being with him then… She’d feared it was too good to be true.
Finally came that terrible day she had been proven right.
After that, could they really go back? The chances of finding happily ever after now seemed so unlikely. But that didn’t stop her foolish heart from yearning.
“I don’t know. I would have wanted…” Haisley stopped herself. Her trembling words served no purpose except to torment them both. And what good would it do them now for her to admit how much she would have loved to be his wife? “But I don’t think we would have lasted.”
“Why the hell would you think that?”
She bit back the terrible truth. It would do nothing but hurt him, and after all the pain she’d heaped on him tonight, Haisley refused to add more.
She snuffed out that little spark of hope and wrenched from his embrace. “I-I don’t want to talk about this. It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s over. It’s done. It’s?—”
“Not. I loved you.” He vaulted to his feet, his expression insistent, like he willed her to believe him. “I’m half convinced I still do.”
Her heart caught and twisted. God, how happy those words made her, even as they destroyed her. She didn’t deserve his love.
“You don’t. You missed me. I missed you so, so much while I lived in California. I went on exactly two dates in two years, and I couldn’t bring myself to let either of them touch me. I just…” Shit, she was mucking this up. “My vibrator and my memories of you got a hell of a workout. But?—”
“You haven’t had sex with anyone since me?” He sounded flabbergasted.
That probably made no sense to him because he’d apparently had a revolving door to his bed since she’d split, but she wanted to be as honest as she could. “No.”
He closed his eyes and heaved a pained sigh. “Fuck. Baby… If I had known…”
“I’m not naive. I realize you haven’t been alone. And I never expected… Why would I think that? I left you. You must have been angry.”
“Furious. And confused, not to mention heartbroken as fuck. What do we do now? You still have feelings for me. I fucking know that from the way you touch me. We can’t let what we have get away from us again.”
Nash wanted to fight for them. Some part of her loved that. Some part of her wanted to fight along with him. But it was futile, over before it had really begun. “I think it’s too late. This”—she gestured between them—“trying to revisit the past… It was a mistake. Now we have to work together, and these disappearing women?—”
“Have nothing to do with us. We’re giving them every bit of our effort and attention?—”
“Are we? You have Benedict’s burner phone in your pocket, and your brother should be examining it right now.”
“Don’t use that as an excuse. I’ll get the device to my brother in the morning, as soon as he wakes up. He’ll have it figured out in under an hour, I’ll bet.”
“Still, I’m sorry I derailed you. I’m sorry I messed up everything. Next time I’m overwhelmed and need comfort, and I lose my clothes and beg you, tell me no.”
“That’s never going to happen. I’m never going to say no to you, and I’m never going to give up on us. Why would you? Why are you so fucking eager to throw away what we could have if we just fucking tried?”
How the hell was she supposed to answer that without baring the worst horror of her life and fucking him up for good?
Suddenly, Haisley heard her phone trill downstairs and froze. Saved by the bell?
Unless… Was that Mila? Had the woman figured out that she’d been sneaking around the office earlier? Had she told Mr. Benedict? Was she going to be fired? Or worse, arrested?
“I need to get that.” She darted for the door.
Nash tried to haul her back. “Don’t you think our conversation is pretty fucking important?”
Yes, but she couldn’t say more. Reality threatened to destroy her again, and she didn’t know how she’d survive another heartbreak.
Haisley pulled from his grip and dashed down the stairs. When she reached her purse and fished out her phone, the caller ID flashed with Charli’s name and photo. Haisley’s gut clenched. Her friend almost never called this late unless it was important.
“Hey, Charli. You okay?” Haisley lowered herself onto the sofa in the nearby living room. When she heard Nash pad down the stairs after her, she covered her naked breasts with a nearby throw pillow self-consciously.
“No.” Her friend’s voice was thick and warbling, setting off alarm bells. “I’m s-sorry to bother you at this hour, but I didn’t know what else to do.”
“It’s okay. You can always call me.” Haisley glanced Nash’s way, finding him staring. “What’s going on? You sound upset?”
A muffled sniffle came through the line. “I d-don’t know what to do, Hais. Daniel and I… I think it might be over for good.”
Haisley’s chest constricted at the naked anguish in her friend’s voice. Charli had admitted when they’d had brunch a few days ago that she and Daniel had been having marital troubles. But divorce? After barely a year of marriage?
This was yet another reason she didn’t dare succumb to her impulse to truly try a forever something with Nash.
“Oh, honey… I’m so sorry. Tell me what happened?”
“We had lunch earlier today. I wanted to surprise him, so I told him I’d made plans for us to go away for the weekend to spend time together. Rekindle our spark. I have prepaid reservations at this cute little bed-and-breakfast about two hours away, and I splurged on some new lingerie. When I told him I packed him a bag because we needed to leave right after work and that we were going to spend the weekend together in our romantic cocoon, guess what he did?”
“He refused.”
“Worse than that. Not only did he say he wouldn’t go because he’d volunteered for overtime this weekend and the money was too good to pass up, but when he found out I’d already put everything on our credit cards, he flipped. He was seriously pissed off that I’d spent a few hundred dollars without consulting him. I pointed out that he’d volunteered for more work without consulting me, after promising that he wouldn’t.”
She hurt for Charli. “Oh, sweetie…”
“I organized a surprise for him, you know? A mini vacay because we’ve been working so hard, and we needed some us time. But he just lost his shit even more. Then I lost mine. He’s working so many hours. I only see him when he finally drags his ass home about nine each night. We barely speak before bed, and he’s gone before I even get up the next morning. He swears he’s just t-trying to save up enough for our dream house and eventually have kids. But at the rate we’re saving, we’ll never get there. I’ll be in menopause before he’s home enough to get me pregnant. I can’t even remember the last time we had sex.”
Charli dissolved into muffled sobs, and the sound tore at Haisley’s heart. As cynical as Haisley had always been about love and relationships, she knew how much her friend had pinned her hopes and dreams of till death do us part on Daniel.
“Breathe. Okay? Just take some deep breaths,” Haisley murmured softly. “Have you two considered marriage counseling? Maybe if a third party?—”
“Counseling?!” Charli’s voice hitched up an octave on a wild laugh. “Since our insurance is shit, that costs money, too, and he won’t part with it. He says that in five years we might be able to swing a down payment if we’re really frugal, but how can a marriage survive if I never see the man? If he invests in our bank account, but not in us? What am I going to do? I love him so much, but…but I can’t keep living like this, as his perpetual last priority!”
“You’re right. You should be his first priority—always. I’m so sorry…”
A soft curse made Haisley glance up. Nash regarded her with a concerned glance. She turned away for some privacy. Charli wouldn’t appreciate Nash knowing all her business. And the way he stared… Haisley felt too seen.
“What do I do?” Charli sniffled.
Haisley didn’t know what advice to give her friend. How could she when her own love life was spiraling out of control and falling apart? Love—the forever kind—wasn’t in the cards for her. Coming to that conclusion had been bitter as hell, but facts were facts. True devotion was for the lucky few, and she wasn’t one of them.
Last year, when Charli and Daniel had gotten hitched she’d hoped her friend would be different, but…sadly, they were like most everyone else.
Doomed.
“Help me,” Charli sobbed in her ear.
“I wish I knew what to say. I’m probably the worst person to give romantic advice. Maybe you should pack a bag and go to the bed-and-breakfast this weekend. Use the time and distance to decide what’s best for you. And if you really think it’s over, then you have to do whatever serves your heart and your happiness. Don’t let fear keep you trapped in a situation that’s only hurting you more each day.”
There was a heavy pause on the line, punctuated by Charli’s occasional hiccups and sniffling wails.
When her friend finally spoke, her voice was subdued but resigned. “You’re right. I need to think. I need to figure out what comes next. It’s just…this wasn’t how our marriage was supposed to go, you know? We were going to grow old together, gray and wrinkled like two adorable prunes spoiling all our adorable grandkids.” She exhaled a shuddering sigh. “But it doesn’t look like that will ever happen. Some happily ever after, huh?”
The bitter disappointment in Charli’s tone lanced straight through Haisley’s chest. Because she understood. Deep down, Haisley feared that shattering disillusionment—the slow, agonizing death of a dream she pinned her hopes and happiness on. If she gave into her heart’s desire to try love and forever with Nash, they’d end up destroyed, too.
Shoving aside her melancholy, she mustered a gentle tone. “Oh, sweetie. I just want to reach through the phone and hug you.”
“Thanks.”
“Don’t make any rash decisions, okay? Take the weekend. Get some space. Really think about what you want and what divorcing Daniel would mean. And I’m always here if you want to talk or vent or cry.”
“Yeah. I think you might be right. I’m going to pack a bag and head out first thing in the morning, consider my options and just…try to figure everything out over the weekend.” Another weighted pause. “Thanks. I love you, girl. You’re the best.”
“I love you, too. Chin up, okay? You’ll figure it out. Ring me if you need an ear.”
As the call ended, Haisley gripped her phone with a heavy heart.
God, how horrible for Charli… And how badly her friend’s teary heartbreak had reinforced all her own worst fears.
Nash wandered closer, his expression carefully neutral. “Is she all right?”
“Not really. You overheard?”
He shrugged apologetically. “Hard not to. And I hate to hear she’s contemplating divorce. He’s not putting her first?”
Haisley shook her head. “He’s too busy working and saving. I know those are supposed to be virtues, but not when you don’t spend any time with your spouse. Unfortunately, they wouldn’t be the first couple to split up because they both wanted different things…”
When she realized what she’d said, she squirmed in her chair. But Nash didn’t notice. Or he didn’t seem to care that she’d brought up the very issue that had torn them apart.
Then again, how could he understand?
Not going down that rabbit hole now…
“Anyway, this older guy I know online lost his wife or something, I think,” she went on. “He told me recently that he’d sacrifice anything for just another ten minutes with her. I know Daniel means well and he’s trying to do right by Charli, but she’s a flesh-and-blood woman with a soft heart and needs…and he’s just never there. I think about what my friend, Jasper, said, and I wonder if Daniel will wake up one day when he’s older and alone and realize how badly he screwed up.”
Nash didn’t hesitate. “Yes.”
Haisley held her breath as a weighted pause hung between them. His stare drilled into her. She swallowed.
Oh, god. It felt like he was talking about her. About them.
“You really believe that?” she breathed.
“I know it. And if he gives up, he’s an idiot.” Nash sat beside her, still naked as the day he was born. “And let me be clear, Haisley. I’m not stupid.”
Her mouth suddenly felt like the Sahara, and her heart was beating wildly in her chest. “Nash, don’t do this…”
“Why not?”
“Look around. Except for the lucky few like Matt and Madison, love doesn’t usually last.”
“Lucky? Maybe it lasts for the people willing to work hard for it and learn to communicate and compromise. My brother and Laila are wildly in love still. But it took a lot of shit to get there. She had to figure out how to trust him. He had to be patient. And when she ran away to solve her problems alone, he had to show her that he’d be there for her. Then he had to forgive her for nearly ripping them apart. It wasn’t easy, but they both wanted their relationship to work. They were both willing to put their all into it.”
Maybe that was true. Maybe she’d been too afraid to try. Hell, she still was. But if he wasn’t jaded by love, if he’d grown up with a fabulously supportive family and never had his heart broken, why hadn’t he put his all into their relationship two years ago?
Did it matter? He was all but declaring he would now.
God, she felt battered and confused and needed some time to think.
Haisley stood. “I’m going to shower. Unless there’s some big break in the case, I’ll see you Monday. Good night.”
Except for the lucky few, love doesn’t really last …
As Haisley made her way up the stairs, those words stabbed Nash in the chest. The sadness etched on her beautiful face twisted the blade even deeper.
That’s what she truly believed? Was that her despondence over her friend’s situation talking? Or had she always felt that way? Was that why she’d sworn to him the first night they’d ever spent together that she wasn’t interested in any sort of commitment or future? The reason she hadn’t been willing to even see what they could have together? And why she wasn’t willing to try now? Nash guessed yes.
He had his work cut out for him.
“Wait.” He followed her up the stairs and caught her just outside her bedroom door, clasping his fingers around her wrist and tugging her against his body before brushing a strand of fiery hair from her face. “You okay, baby?”
Haisley shrugged. “I’ll be better tomorrow. Just worried about Charli and those missing women and…”
That wasn’t all, but Nash didn’t dare call BS. Or tell her again that he loved her. She wasn’t in the frame of mind to hear either.
All he could do was show her.
“Because you’re a good friend and a good person. You’ve had a lot going on and everything tonight has been a lot.”
“Too much,” she agreed.
“Let me take some of that off your shoulders.”
“Oh, you don’t have to?—”
Nash didn’t let her finish. He just lifted her into his arms and headed into her bedroom.
She gasped, surprise flickering across her face. “What are you doing?”
“You need to relax and de-stress. I’m going to give you a bath.”
Haisley sputtered. “Y-you don’t have to?—”
“I want to.” No doubt she was stunned because he’d always been sexually attentive, but never this sweet or romantic. Never reverent. He saw now that had been a big mistake—one he wouldn’t make again.
“Why?”
She couldn’t figure it out? Maybe she was too raw or overwhelmed. But rather than leaving her to handle all her feelings alone, he needed her to see that she could count on him.
“Do I need a reason to make you feel good? To take care of you?”
Slowly, she shook her head. “That sounds…nice, but?—”
“Then it’s settled.”
Naked, he carried her across the room and into the attached ensuite. Gently, he set her on her feet and turned on the bath, adjusting the temperature of the water. He found her bath oil, then added a splash of the lavender scent to her tub until it was a relaxing haven.
As gestures went, it wasn’t a lot. But he wanted—needed—to show Haisley that he wasn’t just her booty call and that love wasn’t just for the lucky few. What they had was real, precious, and worth fighting for.
He hoped like fuck he could convince her of that.
Nash turned to find her watching him prepare her bath, shoulders hunched, arms crossed over her chest. She looked small and vulnerable. Chastened and lost. Damn it, his Haisley was full of life and big personality. She should never be this withdrawn or less than ecstatically happy.
He needed to figure out exactly how he’d fucked up and fix it.
Without a word, he scooped her into his arms again and lowered her tense form into the steaming bath. As the water enveloped her, she slowly sank against the back of the tub with a sigh that told him she liked what he’d done.
Bolstered, Nash grabbed a washcloth, then knelt beside the tub and began to tenderly wash her.
Haisley’s eyes fluttered closed, her tension visibly melting. “You don’t have to do this.”
“You already said that. I want to.”
She had more objections; they were all over her face. But she didn’t voice them, and he didn’t say anything else. Instead, Nash massaged shampoo into her scalp, marveling at the silky strands slipping through his fingers. He loved the quiet intimacy and the way she let him cherish her. Why hadn’t he treated her like a queen before?
He took his time, working the lather through her hair with gentle, circular motions. His fingers traced the curve of her neck, kneading away the tension he found there. A soft moan escaped Haisley’s lips, sending a shaft of answering satisfaction through him.
“Feel good?”
She hummed, relaxing into his touch and giving herself over in a way that wasn’t sexual, but still required her trust. “Heavenly.”
Nash smiled as he cupped water in his hands and rinsed her hair with meticulous care. Once he’d washed away all the suds, he reached for a fluffy towel.
“Ready to get out?”
Haisley nodded, allowing him to help her stand and wrap her in the towel’s warm embrace. He couldn’t resist pressing a soft kiss to her forehead, his lips lingering as he breathed in the scent of her—lavender and something uniquely Haisley—committing it to memory.
Back in the bedroom, he grabbed a soft, worn nightgown from the hook on the back of her door and helped her into it. As the fabric settled around her curves, Nash’s breath caught. God, she looked insanely beautiful. He felt intensely protective and possessive. And he’d never been more determined to fight for her.
Still, he knew better than to push Haisley before she was ready to be moved.
“Tea?” he asked, desperate to prolong their time together.
“If you don’t mind.” Haisley sounded surprised by his offer. “That would be nice.”
Wanting everything to be perfect for Haisley, Nash settled her into the bed and created a cozy nest of pillows and soft blankets before he headed downstairs to turn on the kettle.
While he waited for the water to boil, he couldn’t help but reflect on the past two years—the longing, the regret, the countless nights he’d lain awake missing her warmth beside him.
Now he knew why. Or at least he thought so, but he couldn’t shake the notion that Haisley hadn’t told him everything. If he wanted the truth—and he did—he had to proceed carefully.
Once the kettle whistled, he poured the water over the tea bags he’d scrounged from her cabinet, then returned to her bedroom with two steaming mugs. As he handed hers over, their fingers brushed in the exchange. She pulled back, pretending the contact was no big deal, like their touch didn’t have the potential to start another fire between them. Like her refusing his touch now wasn’t personal.
He ignored the stab of pain and settled in beside her. The herbal aroma wafted between them, comforting and homey.
As they sipped their tea in pensive silence, Nash found her free hand and intertwined their fingers. Thankfully, she didn’t try to pull away. So he rubbed soothing circles on her skin with his thumb, hoping his touch conveyed everything she wasn’t ready to hear.
“Thanks.” Haisley turned to him, her smile soft yet strained. “This is really kind of you.”
It was hardly a declaration of love, but Haisley wasn’t pushing him away. She was accepting his comfort and care. It was another small crack in the walls she’d built around her heart.
He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “You don’t believe me yet, but I’m always here for you, no matter what.”
She tensed, but didn’t argue or push back. He wished like hell he knew what she was thinking.
“Talk to me, baby.”
“Like I said, tonight was just a lot.”
The break-in? The sex? Their honest, raw conversation? The news Charli had dumped on her?
Probably all of it.
“I understand. Just relax.”
Together, they sat in sharp silence, broken only by the occasional clink of mugs and their steady breathing. Nash wished she’d share her thoughts and feelings, but he had to be patient. At least she hadn’t shoved him out her door.
Long minutes later, she rested her head on his shoulder. He reveled in the softness of her skin, the way she fit perfectly in the crook of his arm. Being here with her almost felt like coming home after a long, arduous journey.
As Haisley finished her tea, Nash noticed her eyelids growing heavy. He took the mug from her hands and set it aside. “Tired?”
She stifled a yawn. “Exhausted.”
“Lie down.” He guided her deeper into the sheets and helped her settle her head on her pillow. “Get some sleep.”
“You don’t have to stay.”
“Are you throwing me out?”
Haisley hesitated. “No.”
“Then I’m not budging. I’ll watch over you all night and make sure you rest,” he swore. “Close your eyes and go to sleep.” Maybe she’d be refreshed and ready to talk tomorrow.
With a drowsy little nod, she sighed and closed her eyes. Nash tucked the blankets around her, making sure she was cocooned in warmth.
Moments later, her breathing evened out. She might not appreciate this, but he padded to his pants and whipped out his phone, snapping a picture of her to remember this moment. Who knew if or when Haisley would ever be this soft and sweet with him again?
He brushed his lips across her temple, then straightened. “G’night.”
As he turned away, Haisley stirred and reached out, her hand finding his in the dim light. “Thank you.”
The vulnerability in her voice clenched his heart. “For what?”
Nash knew he shouldn’t push her to explain, but his every uncertainty about Haisley sat under the surface of his skin, rubbing him raw.
“For just…being here. For taking care of me.”
The moment he set his phone down and slid into bed, Haisley curled into him, her head pillowed on his chest. He melted into a fucking puddle. She might not want to admit it, but she didn’t merely want him. Tonight, she’d needed him. And Nash was so damn glad he’d been here for her.
He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closer. He stroked her back in long, soothing motions, feeling her relax further with each passing moment.
“There’s no place I’d rather be and no one I’d rather be with.”
As Haisley’s breathing evened out, Nash lay awake, savoring every second she let him hold her. He thought about her earlier words, about love being for the lucky few. He had to prove that it wasn’t about luck at all. It was about choice, commitment, and cherishing each other through the good times and bad.
He would choose her every single day until she believed that.
Nash allowed his mind to wander, imagining a future where moments like this weren’t rare or tinged with uncertainty. He pictured lazy Sunday mornings, cooking breakfast together in comfortable silence. Holidays spent with their friends, Haisley’s laughter ringing out as they exchanged gifts. Quiet nights curled up on the couch, her feet in his lap as they discussed their days. And children—their laughter, their tantrums, their joys and triumphs he and Haisley could share as their parents until they were grown and started families of their own. Then he wanted to share the golden, twilight years with her in quiet harmony: traveling, working crosswords, reflecting on their lives together.
He wanted the mundane and the extraordinary, the challenges and the in-betweens with her. Only her. He wanted to be the one she turned to when the world became too much, the shoulder she cried on, the arms that held her through every storm.
Nash tightened his embrace, burying his face in Haisley’s damp, fragrant hair. As he breathed her in, he made a silent vow. He would prove to Haisley that love wasn’t just for the lucky few. It was for them. All she needed to do was open her eyes and trust her heart.
And he’d be there, waiting patiently, for as long as it took.